Kyle Schwarber? Must we go through this again?

It's that time of year: Chestnuts roasting, stockings hung, kiddies on their phones, and the Yanks and Cubs are once again stuck in the chimney, discussing Kyle Schwarber. Something about the 240 pounder known as "Hulk" continually lures Cooperstown Cashman into talks with Cubs honcho Jeffrey Theo Epstein, prompting the Gammonites of Gotham to suggest a big turkey dinner is cooking.

If you have nothing better to do on a snowy day, I suppose it's worth wondering how many HRs the lefty-hitting Schwarber might pound in Yankee Stadium. Last year he hit 38, which sounds impressive, until you realize that 57 (fifty-seven) players last year clubbed at least 30. (Good grief, Gardy hit 28.) Also, there's Schwarber's 156 strikeouts, .250 average, and statistical presence as THE worst fielding OF in the NL. Finally, let's note that the last Yankee named "Kyle" was Mr. Farnsworth himself, making the name a tradition worth ending.

Listen: I try to sit out debates on trade rumors. For starters, who cares? They're starch. They're ether. They're movies starring Pauly Shore. Secondly, any trade acquisition could be favorable, depending on what we give up. If Brigadoon Refnsyder re-emerges from the Netherworld, and we skip him like a flat stone to Brother Theo for Schwarber, I'd say, "Well played, State Farm!" (Or if the Cubs took Giancarlo, straight up? Now that would be interesting.) But these rumors - as rumored -  have Miguel "DiMaggio" Andujar heading to Chicago for a guy who, at just 28, is an injury magnet, a concrete statue in the field, and - following his breakout year - a scud cow being shopped at the market.  

Clearly, the Death Star can use a LH bat. But it's worth noting that we just jettisoned Sir Didi Gregorius and Greg Bird, both of whom fit better than a full-time DH. To trade Andujar - who can play 3B - for another homer/strikeout lug nut.. yeesh. The Yankees need a LH bat that hits .290 - not another late-stage Jason Giambi. When I think about Schwarb, I picture a hobbling, post-steroids Giambino, always gunning for the RF porch - his average plummeting to .210, his strikeouts rising to 200, and his most recognizable feature being the sad slog back to Torre's pines after leaving a runner in scoring position.

In terms of LH bats, I don't know who is out there. But Cashman does. The Yankees do need somebody more than Gardy (who will be 37) and the comedy team of Tauchman and Ford (who both remain untested.) Kyle Schwarber? Sorry. I'd bang on the chimney until someone lets me out.