That's how Canada's own Barenaked Ladies once described it.
Dangerous times...
Case in point, the formerly respected Blue Jays, apparently doomed to forever missing out in the AL East.
This week, in the middle of a game, their TV broadcast team ginned up a conspiracy theory worthy of Alex Jones on a Chilean toad-lick. Aaron Judge glanced toward the Yankee dugout, and Buck Martinez - with 74 years of hallucinations under his belt - turned it into Hunter Biden's laptop on Easter Island (if not Epstein Island.) Somebody had to be doing something illegal... how else could anyone explain Judge's HR off of that legendary untouchable hurler, Jay Jackson?
Well, if you win by the nutjob, be prepared to lose by it. That's what happened this week. The crazed, hate-filled Jays went "Shut up, Fat Boy!" bonkers, rattling their cages and needlessly pissing off the Yankee captain - also the game's greatest slugger. In a rare moment of juju justice, they got what they deserve: A game four punch out, courtesy of Judge and the jury.
So goes a pre-Memorial Day confrontation that, in most Mays, would have barely caused a bubble. Weird, eh? how "critical" these games seemed? Now, in the rearview mirror, with its stupid accusations, Canada can fry in its own grease. They can yell and scream all they want; fuck them and their oil pipelines. Hey, are the Crash Test Dummies touring?
Dangerous times...
Wait: Here's a name I never expected to SpellCheck again: Ben Rortvedt. After two years bumping around Quick Care Clinics and homeless camps, Benny Biceps has finally cracked the Yankee roster. At last, a catcher who bats left-handed. Shades of Matt Nokes!
Rortvedt came as a lug nut in the disaster movie of two winters ago when Gary Sanchez and Jackie Donaldson traded destinies. I won't go into the details, other than to say both teams seemed to lose. Rortvedt - a former 2nd round draft pick, from Wisconsin, now 25 - just couldn't stay healthy. Some of it was certifiable bad luck - a shoulder aneurism - but now he's here, after - of course - another injury, this time to Jose Trevino. (While Gary might be headed to the Mets: Yikes.)
On the farms, over 49 at bats, Rortvedt was hitting .327 with 3 HRs. In a brief fling with Minnesota, he'd been a .169 hitter. But hey, he's eight years younger than Higgy, if you're scoring at home. So, let's see what we got. Trevino is a beloved Yankee. But it's nice to have a young guy, eh?
Dangerous times...
Finally, there are reports that Jackie Donaldson's unanticipated return has been postponed due to an injury sustained while assembling a toy for his daughter. I love this. In fact, I speak for father's everywhere in saying this is an under-reported public safety carnage: Dad self-mutalizations while building the Malibu Barbie Dream House. Apparently, Donaldson cut himself and will need extra time to heal. Shades of Graig Nettles' lawn mower, and Henry Cotto's Q-tip!
Dangerous times, eh? Wait... now that is a story worthy of the Jays investigative reporter broadcast team. Follow the money, Buck! Is that John Durham guy looking for work? Where's Geraldo when you need him? How about a probe into Donaldson's paper cut. This could bring down the Yankee empire. Have at it, Canada.
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23 comments:
You are in top form my friend, top form.
That read like a freight train that is heading full steam into the station so you'd better get the fuck out of the way.
To use a baseball analogy, today's post is Pete Rose and the rest of the world is Ray Fosse.
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A few thoughts...
Did anyone else see Boone, eyes bulging, eating with both hands? He was was scarfing something. Next thing you know he was yelling at a Blue Jay coach to "Sit down and shut the fuck up."
I don't know what he was eating but they should keep a bucket of it in the dugout.
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I don't know exactly how Donaldson hurt himself but I'm sure he blamed someone else.
Actually, I suspect that his subconscious mind will continue to create mishaps. Anything to avoid facing both the Yankee Stadium crowd and fastballs over 94 MPH.
That's right. I said 94 MPH. So basically, any pitcher.
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Volpe's HR. The kid makes his own moments. Notice that at lead off he struggled because he was pressing. Same with the pinch hit. But put him where he can relax and good things happen. Eventually he will be able to rise to all occasions.The kid is a gamer.
Is it me or did it look like after Volpe's HR everyone in the dugout was ecstatic except Gleyber? I could be reading into it but I sense that Gleyber knows Volpe is destined for 2B and he's destined for Palookaville.
Extra funny post, El Duque! As Rockwell would sing "It always feels like somebody's watching me. Oh what a mess, who's watching me now...the IRS?"
I don't know what home run call Sterling would use for Rortvedt, but I'd bet there would be some reference to Michael Jackson's " Ben". The rat song.
Ben Ruh-roh arrives and Sanchez gets called up by the Mets.
It's hard to imagine two more disappointing call-ups by NY teams, that will result in disappointing performances. Who will be the first to be sent down or cut? Benny or Gary?
We should start a pool. I bet on Gary.
Donations of toys requiring assembly can be sent to Jackie Donaldson, c/o New York Yankees, 1 E 161 St., NY, NY 10451.
Donaldson Daughter
Donaldson’s Daughter
Donaldsdaughterson
Donaldsdaughter
It’s all really confusing. I’d be cutting myself too.
I do like Big Ben Goes Pen, though.
That could be the one.
Nice piece of journalism here, E.D.
And Doug - you’ve inspired me to go back at take a look at Boone’s bulge-binging. Can’t wait.
JM sending toys requiring assembly is a brilliant idea. Very funny.
@ Doug K., BaBoone was recently scratched during a werewolf attack. He now has to carry around a pocketful of beef jerky at all times. Otherwise, he'd risk the legal consequences of ripping someone's face off.
Didn't the "Best of the Bad" guys, Lee Van Cleef, also claim that he accidentally cut off the top third of his right middle finger whilst preparing a tree house for his daughter?
(Confession: I first typed "while" but changed that to "whilst". Because I like "whilst".)
You can plainly see Van Cleef's missing tip of the middle finger in the triangle showdown finale of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
So yesterday, back to home run derby again! Home run or nothing team. Absolutely cannot score unless they hit a home run. Well, they did score one run without a homer. It's a microcosm of their season. Four runs total, and three came on homers. That's 75% of their runs scored on home runs. Not that that in itself is bad. Especially if they hit a ton of homers.
But I expect that, if they make it to the playoffs, and if they run into the Tampons or the ASS-stros, those home runs will dry up mighty quick. It doesn't take any kind of clairvoyance. We've seen that movie what feels like dozens of times already.
Volpe is a little guy with a big swing. Sort of a mini-Judge. I don't expect him to be a high average hitter, with that swing. Maybe if they tweaked it, they could raise his average and on base percentage. Or maybe just leave him alone for the whole year and see how he does. He will hit home runs.
Hammer, Sir. He will also steal bases. Difficult to do whilst you're doing your home run trot but . . . the steals will come.
Encourage all to switch over to Reds TV broadcast for a few innings this weekend. John Sadak, native New Yorker and one time radio voice of the RailRiders, does play-by-play for Cincinnatti. He's great. No Rickie, but at least a reprieve from Shackil.
Let me say that the new schedule format wherein every team has to play every other team sucks. Would you rather see the Yanks play the Red Sox or the Padres? I like the new rule changes promoting faster games and more base running, but this scheduling is indicative of the overall tone-deafness of MLB.
Publius, I will do just that. -John
Donaldson hurting himself right as he is about to be activated reminds me of those soldiers that shoot themselves in the meaty part of the leg to avoid being sent to the front. Now, I am not saying he did that, though maybe he did. How would I know. And maybe some people ARE saying that (not me). Those same people may be saying "Oh, for sure he did that to himself" and "He's just scared of facing the Yankee fans" and also "What a chickenshit". And truth be told, in my experience, many of those people are good, decent god-fearing people - family men. They wouldn't go around besmirching the good name of Mr. Josh Donaldson unless they had good reason to do so.
Not me, though. I don't know either way. I am just asking the questions. Such as, "Did Donaldson purposefully hurt himself to avoid repeated strikeouts and GIDPs?" and "Who takes time off work for what is, essentially, a paper cut?" and also "Who the hell does this fucker thinks he is?". Inquiring minds want to know. I think journalists should earn their keep and ask him directly, just to make sure.
@ AA, "He will also steal bases. Difficult to do whilst you're doing your home run trot...."
I saw that! Always good for a laugh! You're a riot!!!
Word is that Aaron Boone has just ordered a truckload of beef jerky from Walmart. According to unnamed sources, half the load will be "extra chewy" for Boone. And half will be "extra juicy" for Domingo German.
Word is also out that Boone ordered a very large supply of Nair hair remover from Victoria's Beauty Supply in uptown Manhattan. When is the next full moon? Don't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.
@ Carl, I LOVE that song, purrfect for Halloween. My favorite part is:
When I'm in the shower
I'm afraid to wash my hair
Cuz if I open my eyes
I find someone standing there
People say I'm crazy
Just a little touched
But maybe showers remind me
I'm PSYCHO too much
We are EN FUEGO for those Redlegs!
Brilliant post, Peerless Leader—and line of the week, JM! Yes, send Donaldson more toys!!
Frankly, I think the guy is too oblivious to how bad he is to do this on purpose. But yet another case of ballplayer cluelessness. Good luck getting your boss to buy that excuse, even if you're not making $26 mill a year.
But...just as well. Right now, Donnie Boy should be about 5th on the 3B depth chart. The more time away, the better.
The starting lineup for YOUR New York Yankees!!!
1. Jake Bauers (L) LF
2. Aaron Judge (R) RF
3. Anthony Rizzo (L) 1B
4. Gleyber Torres (R) 2B
5. Willie Calhoun (L) DH
6. Anthony Volpe (R) SS
7. O. Cabrera (S) 3B
8. K. Higashioka (R) C
9. Aaron Hicks (S) CF
Thanks to the clues Doug K provided, I was able to use advanced detection techniques to determine exactly where Boone's binge-bulging moment was in last night's game.
Sure enough, our trusted and beloved bumbling, bubble-blowing, seed spitting, peach-pitted brainiac of a manager was double fisting seeds into his gaping pie hole.
And although his eyes were somewhat bulging, amazingly they were still somehow squinted and quivering in anger.
My final analysis: Toronto's manager and coaches were having a fun time pushing KaBoonie's buttons. Poking the Boonie Bear.
They were enjoying enraging our man-child manager.
When YES cut from B00ne angrily f-bombing away to the BJ's dugout, two of the coaches were enjoying a giggle, while others were doing their best to maintain their composure.
I also learned that Michael Kay isn't that skilled a lip reader and David Cone, who'd normally be all over a moment like that, didn't speak a word.
Please never mention Mat Nokes again.
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