On a nightly basis, the Yankees will find new ways to torture him, without telltale bruises that can ruin a court appearance. They'll break him behind the master interrogator, Michael Kay, who relentlessly keeps repeating his trigger, Marathon Man-style question:
Do the Yankees have a rally in their bones?
Yes or no... do the Yankees have a rally in their bones?
Answer me, do the Yankees have a rally in their bones?
Damn, I just peed myself. After the third question, I'd spill.
Not only that, but when the Yankees have a lead, I believe Kay should unveil a new soul-crushing question:
Do the Yankees have a debacle in their bones?
Yesterday - as we all know - they certainly did. In the fifth, with their ace on the mound - baseball's best pitcher this year - and a six (6)-run lead, did anyone NOT feel the ground beginning to quiver? It's in their bones.
The '23 Yankees were built to win in '22. Have Aaron Judge hit 62 and Carlos Rodon challenge for the Cy, and this team wins 95 games.
Unfortunately, it's '23, and we face lineups timed for this calendar year. The Yankees have gone from an "I Don't Believe This Shit" April to an "Are You Fucking Kidding Me?" May.
When a team starts finding amazing new ways to lose, it has found its artistic voice. And when management has no solution other than to plead for patience, well, when do the NFL camps open?
It's not even Mothers Day, and the Cashmand Fitzgerald is already charting a course toward the wild card - and not necessarily home field advantage. For now, our path to October means winning 85 games, snagging the last slot, and fielding the Four Horsemen of the Yankeepocalypse: Cole-Cortez-Rodon-Severino. Trouble is, nobody expects that foursome to ever exist in the real world; one will always be hurt.
And now, even if our ace leads by six, nothing is certain.
Tonight, it's Oakland, baseball's worst team. In a normal reality, this should be our cupcake, a three-game sweep, blowouts all. So why do we sense a looming disaster?
I think it's the answer to Kay's unasked question:
Yes, the Yankees have a debacle in their bones.
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Hey! We have Anthony "Little Tony" Volpe! The face and the future of the NY Yankees!
It's sad when I'm more interested in the minor league recap, on Pinstripe Alley, than I'm in what the F'ing major league team does.
If the "Brain" trust really thinks that Yankee fans will be thrilled if the team makes the WC round, then are delusional. This isn't KC, Pittsburg or Detroit. This is the Fucking Yankees, it's WS or bust and with Ca$hman at the helm you can pretty much guarantee bust!
Just bought a ticket to the Derailriders Wednesday morning game. Supposed to be Setback Sevvy's first rehab start (don't want to miss the grabbing of the gonad and removal from the game) and I'm reading that the Princess doesn't want to have to stay in Scranton Tuesday night and so wants the start pushed back to Thursday. Doesn't want to stay in Scranton...Princess pitched 120 innings in 4+ years, made $55M, $460,000/inning over those 4+ seasons but he doesn't want to spend a night at the Scranton Hampton. Eesh.
Take the chance anyway. 11AM start with a front row ticket next to the Derailers dugout so at the very least I should be able to confirm whether or not Borschtveddt is a real person.
Yankees Offense
.230/.300/.384 (.684 OPS)
Athletics Offense
.230/.310/.375 (.685 OPS)
One of these teams has a $295 million payroll and the other team is actively trying to lose games.
Maybe we can lose a game to Sears and another to Waldichuck. You know, just to rub it in.
Just a few days ago, El Duque and I previously dissected the various types of Yankee-Tampon losses. Lo and behold, Type 3 of the disease popped up yesterday. It's a one celled protozoan specimen well known to the medical community as Buffooniendo Babooniasis Colectus Tamponitis. It only occurs in nature when the Yankees play the Tampons. Ladies and Gentlemen, this disease is characterized by the following symptoms: Yankees take a big lead against Tampons; Yankees have Cole on the mound; Boone leaves Cole in too long; Torres makes an error; in a big spot, late in the game, the Tampons blow the roof off of Cole in one disastrous inning; and finally Yankees end up losing in extra innings.
Type 3 of the disease is not generally considered contagious, but it can cause other side effects such as a general malaise, feeling of impending doom, loss of confidence due to the fact that the team could not bank a sure win with its ace on the mound and a 6-0 lead halfway through the game.
We experts urge precautions when watching Yankee baseball, such as abstinence from this shit show, taking long and frequent breaks while watching or listening on tv or radio, and the use of a paper bag covering your face and head if attending the games. And don't be afraid to contact a medical professional if you are feeling sick. And do check in frequently to IIHIIFII ... caught at the wall for emotional support. Your mental health is everything.
Zach, that shows that we can tank if we want to without being obvious about it.
The 1966 Yankees were 15-20 after 35 games. We're getting in the ballpark.
The Gilligan Hat Standings
Bauers 1
Cole 1
Remember, you have to be a player to qualify because, lets face it Boone and The Brain get ALL the hats.
On behalf of everyone here, I would like to welcome you to our humble chapeau.
Worse loses to come. Bad teams find many ways to lose.
Each team's longest winning streak this year:
13 - Rays
8 - Braves, Red Sox
7 - Orioles, Pirates
6 - Blue Jays, Brewers, Dodgers
5 - Angels, Giants, Mets, Reds, Tigers
4 - Astros, Cubs, Diamondbacks, Guardians, Mariners, Marlins, Phillies, Rangers, Rockies, Twins
3 - Nationals, Padres, White Sox
2 - Athletics, Cardinals, Royals, Yankees
Not a pleasant prospect at all...
"Sears and Waldichuck"
Well done, Doug
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