The Meeting

Recently Hal, Brian, and Arron Boone met to discuss the state and future direction of the Yankees. I was able to acquire a transcript of a portion of that meeting.

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Hal: Brian. Aaron. Have a seat. As you both are well aware the team is in terrible shape, and it is starting to affect the bottom line. This can’t continue.

Boone:  I’ve already cleaned out my desk sir and have been working on what I’m going to say at the press conference. Something along the lines of, "While I had a few good pitching changes and lineups and was close to turning it around…"

Hal: No.

Boone: The rest of my life is still in front of me?  

Brian:  No.

Boone: I fucked up?

Brian:  No. You’re not getting fired.

Boone: I’m not?

Hal: No. I don’t care if we win or lose. I said, the losing is starting to affect our bottom line. Actually, you are perfect for what comes next.

Boone: For what comes next...

Brian: We’re going to monetize the losing Aaron. Make it our brand.

Hal: Having an insurance company as our uniform patch is just the first step. It gets people into disaster consciousness. They need to understand that watching the Yankees is a depressing, sad, tragic experience.

We’ve been softening the fans up for a while. Commercials about people who need kidneys, fifty eight year old women with brain tumors whose babies died from brain tumors spending millions of dollars to have more babies that will die of brain tumors. That sort of thing.

Boone: Why?

Brian: Because if we get our customers to embrace hopelessness, to embrace losing, we will eventually be able to reduce our payroll to next to nothing.  

Hal: Our only star will be Starr Insurance. And they pay us!

Brian: And, just like Starr insurance we’re getting you ready for the next disaster. It’s a lot easier than trying to fix it. I mean GMing is really hard. Who stays? Who goes? Reading those medical reports. It’s just not me. 

Hal:  In the interim we’ve come up with a number of ways to monetize

Boone: The losing?

Hal: The losing money.

Brian: We’ve made a number a deals. For example, we make a lot of errors in the field.

Boone: Well, you told me we have to play our Gold Glove 3B in left and our best 2B at short. And the guy at 1B is actually a Left… actually, I’m not sure what he is.

Brian: Exactly! That’s by design. Listen to this new radio copy. 

Suzyn: “and Gleyber boots that one. That’s his third bad play and if you are tired of bad plays than go see Back to The Future: The Musical at the Wintergarden Theater.  Go see Back to The Future. The Musical… Unless you’re chicken! “

Brian: Or this one…

John Sterling: Well, it’s the fifth inning and it’s still a no hitter and “no hitter” is a good thing at Levy and Valducci Marriage Counseling. The therapists at Levy and Valducci remind you that, “You no hitter." Levy and Valducci… Use your words.

Brian:  We even have public service announcements.

Suzyn: “Well that’s the 10^th Yankee to strike out. So, it’s time for our 10K report. There’s a 10K Walk to Cure Alzheimer’s this Sunday in Central Park…”

Brain: We’re also considering “This Day in Strike History" brought to you by Pipe Fitters Union Local 545. Who remind you, "There's nothing better than laying pipe!"

Hal: So, Aaron. Are we good?

Boone: No, we stink!

They all laugh

Brian: Oh, and Aaron, tonight… Rortvedt leads off.