Dammit, Boston, you really got me. You got me good. Square in the old cabbage purse. Straight outa Plattsburgh. Never saw it coming. Jollygood show.
El Chapo, the Water Cannon, the Fenway Forehead-Flow., the Redsock River, the Puddle of Pawtucket, the Beantown Bucketeer, the Massachusetts Melter, the man who blew a billion saves... to Boston. Mercy, please, mercy.
Remember: You can't spell "Aroldis" without "old."
No judgement here. All's fair in a blood feud, right? A master stroke, old sport. Or as they say at the club, Yahtzee!
I'm trying to think of a juju counter-move, something we can do to offset this ridiculous historical moment in what was once the game's fiercest rivalry. The Yankees vs. the Redsocks. Remember that? Back when those games mattered? Now, we're a notch above Hobo Boxing. Can we arrange another fight with Donnie Osmond? Wait... I got it! Instead of Cashman scaling the wall in Connecticut this month, have him fight Theo Epstein! It'll be Paul v Tyson, all over again. Netflix needs something...
Damn. I can't get over this. Boston has Aroldis. Dear God, spare me the indignity of smirking. Boston has the Chapster. The Chappisimo. The Chap Man.
Am I dead? Could it be that, in my hospice-drug delirium, the juju gods are rerunning the worst Yankee trades in recent memory: Frankie Montas to the Mets, Aroldis to Boston and - soon - of course, Juan Soto to Toronto, to be replaced by some horrible Cashman trade - any Cashman trade - followed by the even-more terrifying promise from Honest Hal: "We're not done!"
Yep, Boston, ol' buddy ol' pal... this time, you did it. You got me good. You just signed a month of nightmares - from Rafael Devers, Nelson Cruz, Jose Altuve, Mike Brosseau, the cast of Glee.
But but BUT... after long and hard consideration, I do have one suggestion for the Yankees, as a counter-move of sorts. No, it has nothing to do with Ben Affleck's latest squeeze, or Big Papi's horrible schmoozing with A-Rod on those Fox postgame panels. It fact, it's rather simple.
Sign Nathan Eovaldi.
I'm serious. He's a free agent. We had him ten years ago, at age 25. Shoulda kept him. Cashman botched it. (Surprise!) He's exactly what Chapman proved not to be: A gamer. Yeah, he's at a career twilight. Last year, for Texas, he threw 170 innings. Does anyone NOT think he'd have been our world series game 2 starter? Give him a three year deal. He's a Verlander, a Scherzer. He'll go until 40.
Yep, Boston really got us. And the big gut-punch - Soto - is yet to come. But maybe, just maybe, we can salvage this season. Sign Eovaldi!
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7 comments:
El Chapo, the Water Cannon, the Fenway Forehead-Flow., the Redsock River, the Puddle of Pawtucket, the Beantown Bucketeer, the Massachusetts Melter
Well, I love that dirty water.
Oh, Boston, you're my home, oh, yeah.
I'll take Nate. Letting him go was stupid from the get-go.
Better still - shoot Damon and Ellsbury up with some of that there Elon 3000 year old time travelin’ alien AI juice and bring them back. That’ll show those MassHolios a thing or two!
Aroldis...I mean Rolaids...might as well sell them in Fenway...
Brilliant, Duque! Loved "a cut above hobo boxing."!
And amazing how there are some pitchers—Armando Benitez springs to mind—who GMs just won't give up on.
The above comment was removed by the author because of multiple annoying iPhone autocorrected annoyances which the author failed to pick up prior to the publishing touch. The author (still lowercase) is pining for the days of previewing one's prose prior to clicking it into the world by gentling hacking it from its umbilicus. The original message praised E.D. for his wonderful open today. Although now faded into the wrinkled, sagging jowls of their once young face, the author stated that E.D.'s clever word smithing brought a happy smile to their coffee-stained morning.
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