Giants announce Schoen-Daboll Farewell Tour, LA is burning, Canada is the 51st state, and the Yankees still need pitching. Welcome to 2025.

Just eight days into 2025, it's obvious...

This is the Beginning of the End. Of time. Of democracy. Of the world. Of the Yankee bullpen. 

Soon, somebody - not us - will sign Roki Sasaki. Brace for impact. It might be the Mets. It might be the Dodgers. For the Yankees, it will signify Doomsday, or Mayday, or Boxing Day. (New American holiday, if we annex Canada?)  Whatever. The signs are clear: 2025 will be nuts. Five observations on the looming Yankeeocalypse.

1. The NY Giants will continue to be run by the architect of last year's shit show: Owner John Mara. He'll keep Cain and Able Schoen and Daboll, because - basically - Mara has no choice. He signed off on every bad decision they made. And this year, they'll run everything by him, once again, for his approval. It's human nature. They have only one person to appease - the owner. Thus, we'll relive 2024. 

I say, stop pretending. Let Mara call the plays. The Giants need a QB? Mara must have a grandchild with nothing better to do. Soon, it will be Oct. 15, the Giants will be 1-6, and the "FIRE DABOLL" banners will be flying over Jersey. Does Mara have a secret stake in the skywriting business?

2. Hollywood is burning, and it has nothing to do with the Golden Globes. Last night, from his LA perch overlooking the ocean, Alphonso said he's breathing smoke and watching clouds to the north, not far. He says he's not worried: Where he lives, there are no trees, only asphalt and concrete. Still, I'm reminded of a John Mellencamp song that goes, "It aint the end of the world, but you can see it from here." Fingers crossed for you, Fonzy. Stay wet. 

3. According to the Internet, the Yankees are shopping Marcus Stroman, seeking to escape his $18 million salary. I get it that Stroman was a botch in 2024. But mark my words: One hour after he gets dealt for a used-brake pad, some Yank pitcher will tweak his elbow, and we'll be back to starting Ian Hamilton every 5th day, which will drain the bullpen, which will crush the rotation, which will push Cashman into a bad trade, which will spark the June collapse that has become a new Yankee tradition. The Yankees need pitching, pitching, pitching. Ugh, as if we'll ever learn?

4. Can't deny it: I'm jacked over making Canada our 51st. For starters, we get Justin Bieber, the Guess Who, the Trailer Park Boys, Ken (from Barbie) and Austin Powers. We absorb the entire NHL, which guarantees Olympic gold. We merge Toronto and Buffalo - Buffalonto - and level Manitoba for strip malls. The Canadians never found Bigfoot. We'll get him. Bonus: Pamela Anderson! Forget the tar sands pipeline. The Avril Lavigne/Shania Twain celebrity pipeline. 

5. I know what you're thinking: What about Greenland? I say, wait for the price to drop. If Denmark thinks we're made of money, they'll want Juan Soto-level cash, plus an opt-out clause in 2030. I say, offer a trade: the Outer Banks of North Carolina, straight up, and maybe throw in a few barrier islands in the Gulf of America. They'll soon be underwater, anyway. So, do the Daines have anything else we might want? I'm looking at the list of famous Greenlanders, and it's not moving the needle. Stuck on Naja Abelsen, an artist. Damn. Maybe a soccer goalie? Draft picks? Too many guys named Thorkell. This could be tricky.