Aw, who knows? Maybe Goldswinger has another big year in him. Whatever happens, though, he'll always be one furious Zolio Almonte uppercut away from the two-month gonadal tweak that defines most 37-year-old comebacks. Welcome to NY, Sir. Disregard those names carved into the shower wall. Don't look at the record books for the last 15 years. Maybe you'll buck the odds. Maybe... maybe... um... I just thought of another name... John Mayberry...
Nope. Let's push out a moment of joy for the New York Football Giants, who hope to end 2024 as they did 2023 - beating a listless, playoff-bound Eagles team in a game that only holds meaning to the lost, desperate souls who gamble on such effluent-spiced affairs.
With luck, the Giants can finish the season on a two-game win streak (2!) which will solidify momentum heading into 2025 effectively crush their chances to draft one of the top two QBs next year. They'll finish at 4-13, a record that achieves the impossible: It actually sugarcoats the depth of their mediocrity.
To this, I cry, "Magnificent! Sirs, I salute you! The Yankees, the Mets, even the ghastly Jets - they cannot touch your ability to suck the hopeful oxygen from the Northeast, if not the entire Eastern Seaboard. You are the gold standard for incompetence!" And today, Yank fans should recognize that:
1. Bad as he is, Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner is still not as awful an owner as the DNA combination of John Mara and Steve Tisch, two nepo babies of self-entitlement who, together, turned a once-glorious franchise into Rutgers. I am serious here: Compared to these Bozos, Hal and his human clipboard, Brian Cashman, look like Vince Lombardi and John Wooden. The Giants have delivered one of NYC's great meltdowns, on a par with the Dolans, Rich Kotite, the Spiderman musical, and Abe Beam.
2. Bad as they are, the comedy team of Cashman & Boone is still not as awful as the butcher buffoons of Buffalo, Schoen and Daboll. The Yankees, at least, regularly reach the postseason, though it's pretty well carved out for them by an expanded playoff system, which borders on Little League participation trophies. Still, the NFL has its own system of rewarding bad teams - something the Giants still manage to overcome, year after year. They are truly, in an Olympian manner, "special."
3. And this weekend, the juju gods will savor a special belly laugh: Saquon Barkley won't play against his old team. Chicken. Nope. He'll rest for the playoffs, a decision that perfectly sweetens his vengeance upon Big Blue. Not only did Saquon prove them to be idiots for letting him go - they let him walk to the Eagles, one of their bitterest rivals. And this weekend, he will sit on his splendored butt and watch the Giants happily shoot next year in the balls.
Is there a Yankee moral here? What happens when you let an arch-enemy outbid you for a truly great player? Jeepers. I can't imagine that happening to the Yankees, right? As for that rising chorus of Gammonites and thunder-clappers, who now speak the clown car courtier message - that, considering his price tag, the Death Barge is better off without Juan Soto, well, I suggest you watch on Sunday and celebrate the money saved by the Giants for letting Barkley go. Hmm. Lemme see. Oh, yes. It allowed them to keep Daniel Jones... Magnificent! And good luck to Mr. Goldeneye.
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10 comments:
Hey, how about that Drew Lock? He's giving Y.A. Tittle a run for his money. You betcha.
I'm really looking forward to next season. Wonder what stupid plays Daboll will be calling next September? Man, it's hard to wait.
The only thing worse than a bad owner is 2 bad owners, and the Giants got ‘em.
Oh yeah, they’ll beat a redacted Eagles squad Sunday, which will give Mara/Tisch enough coverage to not have to fire anyone. Sounds like a scheme hatched by our own Cashmanian Devil.
I, too, was caught in the grip of an NFL over-indulgence problem. Could not stop hitting that bottle of Jets poison for decades. Then, with the help of God and NFL-Anonymous, I no longer waste my time on that particular industry. I'm a free man...aside from Hal's shackles...
Shoen is pennywise and pound-foolish GM. It was brilliant to nickel and dime the guy representing 70% of your offensive yards from scrimmage. Too many of his draft choices have ended up as total busts. Dabol has a habit of poor clock management in games, which bites them in the ass in most close ones. His undisciplined players cause numerous penalties in critical situations, often in tight games. You rarely see an illegal formation penalty, but the Giants had 2 in one quarter this year. And you have to look at his noticeable roster decision flubs to see he's no Vince Lombardi. Or Jim Fassel. Or Ray Handley. And ownership is totally oblivious and perhaps a bit racist. They've never drafted a black quarterback because they want them all to look like Phil Simms or Eli Manning. Hence, we got Daniel Jones.
LOVE "Cashmanian Devil," 999! And bitty: thank you for having the courage to come clean and tell us about your Jets addiction. I'm still at zero days free of the New York Yankees, but I'm hoping and praying!
As for Paul Goldschmidt, he kept saying at his press conference, "No excuses," about his terrible 2024 season.
Oh, Paul. Poor, dear Paul. Of course there's an excuse. It's the biggest one of all, the one that will get us all, eventually. It's called time.
Yeah, Paul Goldschmidt: "The new Rizzo! Except right-handed! And two years older! And a worse fielder! And never has won a ring..."
Oh, I could go on all day. I won't.
Well said as always.
While watching them win last week was a very confusing experience to say the least, this week doesn't matter as much. Although it would be great if they manage to lose.
Because they won against the Colts they can't draft low enough to get a top two QB and I wouldn't touch Sanders anyway.
The best thing that could happen is Dallas gives up a boatload of picks to draft #1, hires Neon Deon as Head Coach and drafts his son. This will cripple them in future drafts and insure that they remain a clown show full of drama and no titles for another decade.
Drafting 4-9 will force the Giants to fill a hole on the DL, at CB, or continue to try to build an O line. They will have excellent players available at that spot.
Then take Jaxon Dart (or Milroe if still around) in round two and go from there.
As to the Giant front office... you left out the Mara who is I believe the Head of Scouting or its equivalent, Chris Mara. Nepotism's finest, and a person with WAY too much say in personnel and who keeps flying in under the radar.
Like Brian he is "family" and can't be fired except he doesn't have the quotation marks around family, making it even harder.
And for the record... the Eagles are now my most disliked team in all of sports and Saquan Barkley is a pussy.
You can tell him that. Say, "Doug K. says that if you don't play on Sunday against the Giants it's because you are afraid of them and are a pussy."
Maybe it will be like when someone calls Marty McFly a chicken and he'll go off for 200 Yds. and single handedly beat them.
At least Goldschmidt was truthful and somewhat forthcoming during the chatter after the presser when he said his favorite film of 2024 was My Old Ass. It made me all misty…
It sounds like Goldschmidt has not come to grips with his inevitable declining skills. That will make next year extra special dreadful for him and all of us as he tries to be they player he was 10 years ago. It will make his decline sadder and more embarrassing. I'd feel bad for him, but he's a Yankee and very handsomely paid.
Fuck HAL and CashBrain.
winWinny - did yah accidentally forget to include Boone?
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