The Internet is a toilet clogged with trades that won't happen. (Example: Yanks getting Luis Arraez.) The lone free agent worth signing, Roki Sasaki, will be a Dodger. Come March, we'll be touting the comeback of DJ LeMahieu - statistically, one of MLB's worst players last year - or revisit the Oswald/Oswaldo fantasy continuum. Yep. This is the doldrums. And then, suddenly, out of nowhere... GREENLAND!
Until yesterday, I never pondered it. Now, holy crap! Forget Sasaki or Alex Bregman. Let's fuckin' buy Greenland!
Hear me out. If the Dodgers can afford Sasaki, America surely has the extra cash for a new summer home. I understand that you may have questions...
a) How much do we pay? I'm thinking Juan Soto-level money. We get Elon, Bezos, Stevie Cohen, Rupert Murdoch, the Apple guy, the Google guy, and that dead casino guy's widow to each kick in $100 billion, and we use the Dodgers' system of deferring payments until 2050, when Greenland is the last country above water. It'll be a steal.
b) Who do we pay? Me, for starters. For the creative spadework. A big cash bundle to the Danish Royal Family. The rest goes into bribes.
c) Do we also get their culture, too? Nope. They keep their holidays, rituals, soups, alcoholic beverages, uncomfortable shoes, blouses, TV game shows and celebrities.
d) Wait... who are their celebrities? Good question. Through old school research, I managed to find a Wikipedia list of famous Greenlanders. Here it is. Before you click, a warning: It's not Stallone's Olympian roster in Expendables III. The only name I flashed on is Henrik Lund, a lyricist and painter who died in 1948. And I might have mixed him up with somebody else.
e) What will happen to their celebrities? Hey, don't get hung up on this. We're not talking about re-education camps. No famous people will get disappeared. In fact, if we compare Greenland (Pop: 57,000) with - say - Utica, NY, (Pop: 65,000) here's the battle of A-list celebrities:
Utica
Annette Funicello, ex-Mouseketeer/teen star
Dick Clark, host of Rockin' New Years Eve w/ Ryan Seacrest
Mark Lemke, ex-Braves SS
Greenland
Henrik Lund, see above
Nukaaka Coster-Waldau, actress, 1990 Miss Greenland
f) Wait... considering their lack of big celebrities, wouldn't we be overpaying? Honestly? You nailed it. We'll be doing them a favor. Fame-wise, they can't even beat Utica, and let's remember that Lemke wasn't much of a hitter. But to show that we're nice guys, we cut each certified Greenlander a check for, say, $10,000!
g) Where will all the Greenlanders go? Utica. Over one big weekend, we switch the entire populations of Utica and Greenland, a 120,000 person transaction. The new Greenlanders - formerly Uticans - get unlimited land access and a few remaining glaciers. The ex-Greenlanders, now upstate New Yorkers, get to experience summer. Everybody's happy.
h) What about those few who won't comply? We'll sprinkle them throughout Canada - our 51st state! -and down to Panama, which will be run by Gov. Mariano Rivera. And if the Greenlanders balk, we sweeten the pot by throwing in Elmira, but that's our final offer.
i) Okay, I'm sold. But what about the Yankee infield? Lemke. He's 59. I think he can still go to his left.
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9 comments:
What about Coeymans? There are 7200 souls there itching to get out, preferably to Greenland. If you need a bigger population package, throw in Ravena and Selkirk.
I didn't know those great luminaries came from Utica. Dick, Annette (notice the careful use of a comma there), and Lemke. Anybody from Cherry Valley we should know about?
The water. That's the key. On a rapidly warming planet—expect that to accelerate after Jan. 20th—they have tons of nice, ice-cold fresh water.
Really, it matters. Brooklyn would still be an independent city today, if only it had had its own water supply.
What about the N-95 dancers? (NEVER to be confused with the I-95 dancers)
They're going to do something stupid at 3B, aren't they? In the game of AYGHAB's, 1-5 are pretty solid, but 6-9 are uncertain-to-low. I don't see them winning a World Series like that. Even if they manage to sign Sasaki (yeah, right . . . he looooooves LA--he loves it!), the vaunted pitching stiff is going to kill itself trying to preserve 2021-esque one-run leads. Dammit, Hal--give me one more good AYGHAB!
@ Pocono...Here's another game to play. It's called Boone bingo.
https://www.facebook.com/share/15cMGRKCok/
Correction: The game is Boone Bullshit Bingo. Didn't mean to short change Aaron.
What about Denny Terrio and the Solid Gold Dancers?
I say trade Texas for Greenland and we throw in Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg and Donald, Jr. Hal Steinbrenner and the entire Yankee front office, to sweeten the deal, minus their wealth and companies, of course.
But if that's not enough, happy to trade all the above guys and Texas for a six pack of cheap beer and 'future considerations.'
they're fine - no doubt about it. but the N-95 dancers are smokin' hot
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