Boswell - the Kevin Baker of 1985 - described the game's "wonderful lack of seriousness" this way:
"The game's best player, Babe Ruth, was a Rabelaisian fat man, and its most loved manager, Casey Stengel, spoke gibberish. In this lazy sport, only the pitcher pours sweat. Then he takes three days off.”
Yeap, that's baseball. That's our heroin. Once upon a time, as toddlers, we thought the Yankees would always deliver for us. They'd be our secret pot of gold, our way to see the world like a millionaire. Other teams fretted over money. The Yankees only worried about winning. Then a generation turned, the cities turned to rust and - welp - here we are.
But but BUT... get out your abacus, slide rule and Ouija board, because it's almost time for the annual IT IS HIGH Sayer of Sooth contest. Beginning Monday, we will accept your predictions on the number of regular season victories the '25 Yankees will tally. (You will have until Wednesday at 6 p.m. Eastern.)
Last year, rock star and Yankee savant Gary Frenay - (whose 1980s band the Flashcubes is in the Power Pop Hall of Fame) - won by predicting 94 victories, the Yankee win total, on the button. Parson Tom took the first tie-breaker category, predicting that Carlos Rodon would win 16 games. (He did. You can look it up.) Carl J. Weitz and Above Average's Cat took the 2nd tie-breaker, predicting Juan Soto's He Who Shall Not Be Named's HR total, at 41.
This year's contest might include a prize - we're working on it. How about a slightly charred Tesla Cyber-Truck! Something...
We haven't yet decided the two tie-breakers. Any ideas? I'm thinking...
The Martian's HR total? (Or batting average?)
Aaron Judge's HRs. (Always the bellwether stat.)
Goldschmidt and Bellinger, combined HRs? (Or too complicated?)
Ben Rice batting average? Anthony Volpe, stolen bases? Or how about Giancarlo Stanton's number of ABs? (Might produce a big tie, at zero.)
Listen, this whole team is one massive question mark. You say Rice is having a great spring? So did Greg Bird, year after year. You say Jasson Dominguez looks like a masher? Every team in baseball has one. (But ours is the only one in history nicknamed for another planet.)
Come Monday, it will be time to go full Nostradamus on 2025 A week from now - (that bogus Dodgers game in Japan doesn't count) - time will begin anew. From then on, God save us, because there's no turning back.
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17 comments:
Let's see...with the injuries...and Cashman...and Boone (who's an idiot)...
Nope. Forget it. We're doomed.
Gonna be a tough year to predict. Especially since you can't predict baseball, Suzyn.
I was thinking about Rodon’s exact weight on July 4th (also King-George’s birthday).
How can we find out and know for sure, you ask? HELL, THAT’S EASY !
We’ll have HOSS go to the game, attending again in the Lobster Tail Suite.
When no one is looking he’ll grab about a dozen tails, slip into the men’s room, quick change into a stadium attendant’s uniform, stash the tails into a starched apron and, uh….you know….like…..make his way into the pre-game club house, set up a tray table just far enough away from Carlos where he has to stand up and take a couple of steps over to grab the lobster tails off of the table-clothed setting that Hoss had placed down on top of the table just before proclaiming, “MR RODON, YOUR LOBSTER TAILS, JUST LIKE YOU LIKE ‘EM!” and placing a self-recording digital scale on the ground right in front of Carlos as he stands up and steps on top of to help himself to those tasty LTs!
Easy Peasy- Lemon Squeezy!
can we just go over/under on manager’s for the season?
Who knew it could be so simple?
I'll vote for the Tesla as the prize, but only if Elon is strapped into the driver's seat.
And if Agent Hoss can't complete the weight task, I'll gladly try the same with Cashman. I'll pose as a window washer when he rappels down Landmark Square. We just have to wait until December.
How about how many blown saves by the bullpen? Or how many Yankee hitters (with at least 100 AB) hit over .250?
How many times boone will utter “It’s all right in front of us”
I don't like putting my predictions in ahead of time. I prefer to go back and edit that after the season ends.
I'm thinking which date will Judge go on the IL.
Number of starts by Schmidt? Stroman win total? BK Rice at bats? I don't know, I'm bad at this shit.
And whoever wins the incinerated Cyberdumpster with Elon strapped in, would you mind my stopping by maybe Thanksgiving week to spit in what's left of the corpse's hair? I'll bring a bottle of Glenmorangie.
Total runs. Team BA. Pitching staff ERA.
"Every team in baseball has one. (But ours is the only one in history nicknamed for another planet.")
What about Hank Greenburg? His nickname was "The Big Ju" which I'm guessing was short for Jupiter.
As to the contest...
Boone Ejections?
Jassonic errors?
Total number of times the commentariat requests that Cashman be fired?
Doug, I like your Cashman idea, but whoever is in charge of keeping the tally would have to greatly expand their computer's memory and hard drive capacity.
Thank you, Peerless Leader. I am very honored to be compared to Tom Boswell in any way, shape, or form.
How about the most pitchers used to start games for the season?
And does anyone know what the team record for using the most starting pitchers in a single season?
JM, AA, I am on it. Though I doubt if Rodon will need any help.
Ah, what a sad, cursed year we are looking at! ED, I came in at a different moment, when the Yankees were in last place (1966), and it didn't seem like they'd ever get much better.
They did improve, and then came George and the money, and while he was insufferable much of the time, I thought our future was sure with those awesome teams around the turn of the century.
But what can you say? It's almost as hard not to wreck something precious, as it is to create it in the first place. George chased away those who served him best. And then came HAL, the automaton, traumatized by all the years with daddy, who just wanted a cash cow for his own. And so he made the proudest franchise in sports no more than that.
Cashman is a fool, but we should never forget that he is HAL's fool. And as long as HAL is on the scene, we will remain in the wilderness, watching the Red Sox and the Dodgers swap dynasties, on through the 21st century.
Hoss, I think you're giving George way too much credit. If it weren't for his suspension, none of the magic of the late 90s happens. George was an asshat who knew nothing about everything.
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