Yankeetorial: The brain trust celebrates freedom of expression, freedom of thought

Yesterday, Brian Cashman announced that our supreme Yank brassers seriously pondered re-signing Carl Pavano, the "Bronx Buttocks" of IT IS HIGH's award-winning Yankeeography series. Immediately, sore-faced bloggers condemned the idea, claiming it smacked of JavierVazquezism.

Those fools are freedom-hating communists.

Dagnabbit, let's celebrate open intellectual discourse. The Yank front office/Montisorri School is ramping up creativity by letting execs play drums, build Leggo towns and perform skits, such as "Why Not Sign Carl Pavano?" To build a Yankee dynasty, we must not clamp down on free thought. We must endorse it, welcome it, build upon it.

What if Joba Chamberlain starts? What if Robbie Cano bats third? What if Brett Gardner leads-off? Whoaaaaaa, blow my farrr-eeeekin mind? What if we go to spring training and let the absolute best pitcher nail down the fourth and fifth starters slots -- regardless of age? Farrrrrrrrrr out. Pass me another joint, Hank. What if we don't automatically set the pitching staff according to who gets paid the most money! Yahahahaha, I must be trippin' man, this is toooooooooooooo much.

Hey, I got a idea. Let's rappel down buildings! Jeet wants too much money? Let's rip on him in print! See what happens. Quick, gimmie more crayons. I'm drawing a bridge to Mariano.

Sing it, brothers and sisters: Yankee Stadium is a Thought-Police-Free Zone. Nobody workin' on Maggie's farm. Nobody pickin' cotton for The Man! This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. Jesus is coming. We are celebrating freedom of expression. Freedom of thought, freedom to be... you 'n me!

Bits Of Canseco Business

I have a Google News Alert for "Canseco." Just in case. Today, it looked like this:

But the interesting part is that Google News Alerts, like all pieces of Gmail, come with a column of ads tailored to the content of your message. Correspond about Batman -- as I do -- and you'll get ads for a comics shop or some super-hero movie. Subscribe to updates about Yankee great Jose Canseco and these are the ads:

Scientific Pie Chart Showing Yankee Deliberations on Signing Carl Pavano

For The Good Times: Thank You Marcus Thames

Don't look so sad, I know it's over
But life goes on and this old world will keep on turning
Let's just be glad we had some time to spend together
There's no need to watch the bridges that we're burning
.............
For the Good times
I'll get along, you'll find another
And I'll be here if you should find you ever need me
Don't say a word about tomorrow or forever
There'll be time enough for sadness when you leave me.

You did your job well and it was appreciated. If only you could field. If only we had the leeway to carry just your clutch bat. We should have never traded you in 2002 for that bum Ruben Siesta. May you give your best to Donnie Baseball.

Andruw Jones Climbed Into His Limo

Come all you yank fans if you wanna hear the story about a recent OF addition
Andruw Jones was the players name
on 34 yr legs long since he won his fame
Boras called Andruw bout half past four
Andruw kissed his wife at the unemployment door
He climbed in the limo with his contract in his hand
Said this is the trip to the Promised Land
Andruw Jones climbed in the limo
Andruw Jones' contract in his hand
Andruw Jones leanin' out the window
taking a trip to the Promised Land

one old pal feels this is a bad move:

Andruw Jones this year, Nick Johnson last year.  What is this, ’90s nostalgia?  We don’t have to debate Tim  Raines going to the Hall of Fame—next year, Cashman will sign him for the Yanks.
I love, too, the description of Jones’s 19 homers and a .230 average in 107 games as evidence of “still being productive.”  Riiight. 
This is silly—the foolishness of paying (relatively) small amount for nothing, instead of a little more for something.
The Yanks could’ve signed Vlad Guerrerro as a DH and sometime fourth OF and got considerably more than they’ll get from Andruw, if they wanted to make a marginal pickup. 
Or they could have gone big-time, and signed either Crawford or Werth, thereby making Gardner into a much more capable No. 4 OF than Jones can possibly be in 2011.
Instead, they pick up a guy who reached his (apparently) natural peak in 2000, and his PED peak in 2005, and who has been in rapid and dramatic decline since 2007. 
A guy who is, incidentally, a strikeout and double-play machine (in those mere 107 games, incidentally, he had 73 Ks and 15 DPs).
I don’t get it.  Are they eager to see him try to pass Mantle on the all-time strikeout list next season?  Are they still impressed by those 2 HR off Pettitte in Game 1 of the 1996 Series?
And if this is the best they can do...maybe they SHOULD go get Carlos Beltran.

Joba's New Role?

As suggested by El Duque

Fans cheer, people die

Mad scientists have uncovered an amazing new fact.

Sports fans drink.

Eight percent of the drivers leaving sporting events are liquored-up, barfing,

highway-weaving couriers of death and destruction.

Lead researcher Darin Erickson of the University of Minnesota points out that, if the 8 percent finding holds for the whole crowd, at the conclusion of an NFL game some 5,000 people over the limit could spill out into the streets and potentially behind the wheel. Remember, these results apply to those willing to be tested. So the true percentage of uncooperative inebriates may be higher.

Next, the scientists should study whether inebriation increases after wins or losses.

10 Options for Joba Chamberlain

1. Become starting pitcher.

2. Stay in bullpen as "Bridge to Soriano."

3. Demand trade to Nats.*

4. Demand answers from God.

5. Return home, launch meth lab.

6. Stay in bullpen, launch meth lab.

7. "Jersey Shore" 2012.

8. Pro wrestling.

9. Fukkit, just go drinking.

10. Fukkit, just pitch.

*Get it? Gnats? That's quality funny, right there. You won't get that at River Avenue.

John's new song: the Thames, they are a-changing

As for our need for a RH outfielder, it's Andruw or Boo-Hoo

Youkilis Comes To Aid Of Fair Minka

Even the hated Kevin can be a mensch at times.

Driving That Ball, High Off The Wall

Driving that ball, high off the wall,
Andruw Jones we hope you still got your speed.
No Trouble ahead?, leave your troubles behind,
And you know that notion just crossed my mind.

Your old engine can it make it on time?
Hears hoping you'll fit on our nine
Arrive at the stadium at march thirty one
With that great bat and glove our season is won

Youkilis photographed stealing from Walmart?

That's how I call it.

Hair is obviously fake.

Letter to the Editor: "Attending a Yankees game is a dream for me..."

January 10, 2011 Monday
Syracuse Post-Standard

To the Editor:

Maybe Peter Cappuccilli and former Gov. David Paterson should know how the other half lives.

First, Cappuccilli: I had to scrape to serve guests pizza and wings at my daughter's backyard wedding. Second, I don't know why you're being honored with "record-breaking fair attendance." We'll never know; you gave thousands of tickets away.

And for Paterson, I have never been to a Yankees game, let alone entertain several friends at one. Attending a New York Yankees game is a dream for me.

Shame on both of you. In addition to fines and criminal charges, "community service" at a Salvation Army store would do you guys some good.

Suzette West
Syracuse

Scientific Pie Chart Showing Things that excite Bostonians in 2011

Will El Duque Be Able To Use His High Leg Kick This Year?

If it wasn't for Redsocks having greatest team in history, this would be shaping up as a crappy year for Boston sports

Is is me, or do the Patriots suddenly look like the 2002 Yankees -- a former dynasy now seemingly destined to always lose the big one.

The poor Boston Devil Dogs website hasn't yet recovered. As of this morning, it was still running the pre-Sunday page calling the Jets a "Dead Team Talking."

When you saw the headlines this morning, did you wonder if we were always this way?

10 "controversial" jokes John Sterling would have told, if he hosted the Golden Globes

1. It's a shame Lindsay Lohan can't make it tonight, but at least we know she safe in rehab. Keep your family safe and secure with New York Life.

2. The Yankees are looking everywhere for arms. I hear Zsa Zsa Gabor's might soon be available.

3. Too bad nobody saw "The Tourist," with Angelina Jolie. An A-Bomb.. from A-Jol!

4. I loved "Megamind." Why didn't Hank Steinbrenner get nominated for the starring role?

5. In "Burlesque," it sure was a treat to see Cher, who's now undergone more surgeries than Damaso Marte.

6. In "Black Swan," what a surprise to see Wynona Ryder dance ballet.  We knew she had light fingers; who knew she had light toes?

7. The Yankees next year will hold Mel Gibson Day at the stadium. The first 500 female fans get punched in the jaw.

8. I loved "The Fighter." You're on the Mark, Wahlberg!

9. Next year, Charlie Sheen will bring snack cakes for the seventh inning of Yankee broadcasts. Charlie's currently living with Little Debbie.

10. Of course, 2010 was the year Hollywood finally made a movie about Javier Vazquez. Jonah Hex.

BONUS. Thuuuuuuuuugh winner... Colin Firth... takes firth place!

Belicheat Eats Crow (Feet)

Will the Gods of JuJu seek revenge on the Yankees for this? Would that we see a summer 2011 version of this with Youkilis snacking on a blue and white variety.

Death of a Yankee fan

The last line breaks our hearts. From the memorial of Army Spc. Jorge E. Villacis, killed recently in Afghanistan.


Jorge Villacis' buddy, Juan Rivadeneira, was killed in November in Afghanistan. Still, Villacis told his family not to worry, The Sun Sentinel newspaper reported.

"I have to go back and finish the job. And then I'll be home," he told his family, according to his sister Jessica Geribon.

They hoped he'd be back to play catch with a football with his nieces and nephews, and root for his favorite baseball team, the New York Yankees. But less than a month after Rivadeneira, Villacis lost his life, too.

The 24-year-old from Sunrise, Fla., was one of six Fort Campbell soldiers killed by a suicide bomber Dec. 12 in Kandahar province, Afghanistan. Friends and family fondly recalled Villacis in an online memorial.

"I will have to find someone else to bother about the Yankees losing in the playoff till we meet again and can continue our battles on your wonderful YANKEES," wrote Dario Sanchez of Miami.

R.I.P., Jorge Villacis.