It just needs to be said: With a name like Didi Gregorius, this guy better be good

Didi Gregorius - the first Knighted Yankee since Sir Sidney Ponson - could turn out to be the most easily mocked name in New York sports history. Even more than Joe Don Looney.

Yes, I'm talking about old-fashioned, schoolyard-bully, name-calling.

By the way, I'm not proud of this. It doesn't take a lot to sit at home in your underwear and - while sipping from warm cans of PBR - regress back to the monkey bars and cafeteria food-fights of fourth grade, and try to think up hurtful names for a young man who has never yet even donned a Yankee uniform. Frankly, this is shameful and degrading. I only offer it as the latest sign - as if anyone needed one - that the looming Yankee apocalypse will wreak havoc upon the collective mental health of the team's fan base. If this franchise is going to be as bad as I think it could be... for as long as I think it might be... well, somebody, please: Shoot me.

That said, if this fellow turns out to be a turkey, the Yankiverse can certainly supply the gravy.
Think about it:

Dodo Gregorius.

Dum Dum Gregorius.

Doody Gregorius.

Didi Inglorious

D-Grade

Muff Diddy 

DD Gherkin

Duh-Duh

Dido

Dear God, 

You gave us 27 World Championships,

and for that, we thank You.

But if You truly care, 

You will not let this player fail...

Our annual holiday classic: John Sterling's "The Night Before Christmas"

Where is your mighty snow god now, Buffalo? Mwahahahaha....

The Golden Snowball race, indicating inches
of snowfall this winter, as of Friday at 10 a.m.

They said it was over...

Oh, yes.

They said the Golden Snowball was theirs, that the pennant had been clinched, and that it was time to plan their victory parade along the Canyon of Beef-on-Wick.

Not so fast, Buffalo.

There happens to be a city down the Thruway - 10 or so lost exits to the East - that's been waiting for the right moment to get good and plowed. Your early 12-inch advantage in snowfall accumulation just vanished as quickly as a 5-run Yankee lead with Preston Claiborne on the mound.

Syracuse has fumed since losing the Golden Snowball last winter, our first defeat in memory. Ever since, we've been counting the days to get hammered and chanting our collective mantra:

WE ARE EDWARD SNOWDEN!

Watch the skies, Buffalo... Hey, Mom and Dad, do you see what I see? That yellow thing up there... Is it the Golden Snowball? No... it's just the sun. Drat.

And we're not seeing it in Syracuse. Mwaahahahahahaha....

It's that time of year

Time to start celebrating The Master's melodic sounds of the season.

Shaughnny explodes over Boston's reminder of "Babe and Pudge:" The loss of Jon Lester

Dan Shaugnessy - the columnist who invented the Curse of the Bambino, the one who shares Randy Levine's hair stylist - raises hell about the Redsock "strategic buffoonery" in letting Jon Lester go out the door.

Writhe, Boston, writhe.

Yankee post-meetings victory cry: We still haven't done anything incredibly, super-humanly stupid

This week, the Winter Meetings came and went, and - aside from new jokes about "rectal hydration" - not much changed. The Evil Empire looked like a third-place team coming in - (Thank you, Toronto and Tampa) - and it looks like a third-place team now.

But instead of carping about our failure to add some new dinosaur to the ark - (The loudest ho-hum in Yankee history will follow news that we re-signed Chase Headley) - let's celebrate the facts that:

a) It's still mid-December.
b) Boston didn't sign Jon Lester.
c) All we lost was Antoan Richardson.
d) Yankee beat-writers are actually more credible than Rolling Stone.
d) The team hasn't done anything incredibly, awesomely stupid.

Not yet, anyway.

By "incredibly, awesomely stupid," I'm referring to the kind of trades that putrefied the 1980s - the Drabek-Rhoden or the Buhner-Phelps - the impulse deal that shrieks incompetence from the moment it's announced. Frankly, I feared Thrift Shop Hal Steinbrenner would be genetically drawn into trading the next Millennium for Troy Tulowitksi - an aging SS with bad hips and Colorado-enhanced batting numbers. Well, it didn't happen. Not yet, anyway. We can argue about Didi Gregorius vs Shane Greene until opening day, but the truth is, we dealt a 26-year old for a 24-year old. Overnight, we didn't wrinkle like Dorian Gray's complexion, and I'll take that as a victory.

Last December, the Yanks "won" the Winter Meetings. They signed three big name walruses. The victory party lasted about a week. Then folks started questioning why we'd give Carlos Beltran a three-year deal, and then we let Robby Cano walk out the door. Ever since, it's been a painful, gradual downhill descent.

Two years out of the playoffs, and counting...

And we look like a third-place team.

Well... the possibility exists that we did do something incredibly, super-humanly stupid: We exchanged a stopper (Andrew Miller) who's never pitched in NYC for one (David Robertson) who excelled. Time will tell. Boston seems to have "won" the 2014 Winter Meetings. Funny things happen when Boston starts celebrating with snow still on the ground. Anybody want to make a Carl Crawford joke about rectal hydration?*

*(If you think about it, rectal hydration is not only a method of enhanced interrogation, but of enhanced irrigation.)

"Paul was abused by several people at the Yankees organization. He was verbally abused by homophobes, physically abused by a particular player, sexually abused by three players, and morally abused by management who intentionally falsely accused him of grand theft with no evidence since he was innocent."

A gay former Yankee clubhouse employee has written a book. I guess the title sums it up.

Somebody's gotta skip the Christmas cookies this year!

Jeet can eat all he wants.

But no goodies for Alex.

Yanks announce "CIA Day," featuring beer, soda and "Rectal Hydration"

Stand up, Yankee fans! Or maybe you'd rather sit.

The Evil Empire will become the "Medieval Empire" for one day next summer, Yankee President Randy Levine announced today. Fans are urged - and in some cases, required - to attend "CIA Day" at Yankee Stadium, to be held on a date that currently remains classified.

The first 500 fans will receive 60 hours of continuous lightless and freezing isolation. Meanwhile, in pregame ceremonies, former Vice President Dick Cheney will throw out the first nail gun.

On this special day, bar menus at the Yankee Hard Rock Cafe and Five Star Steakhouse will include Rectal Hydrations, and beer vendors will perform water-boarding on thirsty fans.

Buy your tickets now... or the terrorists won.

You know how Eskimos are supposed to have 50 words for snow? Big deal. Syracusans have 51

OK, here goes: 

1. Avalanche 
2. Black ice
3. Blizzard
4. Canadian Express
5. Champagne powder
6. Chowder
7. Closing the Thruway
8. Coming Down
9. Crystals
10. Crud
11. Crust
12. Drifts
13. Dusting
14. Flakes
15. Flurries
16. Freezing rain
17. Frost
18, Frozen water
19. Good-packing
20. Glacier
21. Glaze
22. Granular
23. Graupel
24. Hail
25. Hailstones
26. Hard pack
27. Hoarfrost
28. Ice
29. Ice-flow
30. Icicles
31. Lake Effect
32. Loose granular
33. Old Man Winter
34. Piles
35. Powder
36. Packed powder
37. Pellets
38. Polar Express
39. Polar Vortex 
40. Siberian Express
41. Skiing weather
42. Sleet
43. Slosh
44. Slush
45. Snow
46. Snowfall
47. Squalls
48. Whiteout
49. White stuff
50. Winter Storm Advisory
51. F**K THIS S**T! 

Ruthless and Ruth-less: Was Jeter's farewell tour the last gasp of Yankee loyalty to their players?

For the last two years, the Yankees have done little more than launch farewell tours and hand out plaques to their icons of the '90s. Our pitching was mediocre, the hitting worse, and the brain trust was always first to note that it would NOT blame all those injuries - which is, of course, the spin doctor's way to blame all those injuries.

But today, passengers on the NY Titanic face a brand new revelation, one that I didn't see coming:

The Evil Empire - which always had a secret heart of gold when it came to longtime Yankees - is done with tearful farewells. Hal Steinbrenner may share many of his dad's traits, but loyalty to the work horses is not one of them.

Thus, yesterday, David Robertson told reporters that he was "not surprised" that the Yankees failed to make him an offer. He knew the deal. They had signed Andrew Miller for $4 million less, plus received a draft pick. They had moved on.

Listen: I cannot blame Brian Cashman for making this move. (Cash claims the Yankees feigned interested in Robertson out of loyalty, so he could run up the bidding.) From a strictly business standpoint, the Yankees saved a few bucks, which can go somewhere else - the wide-open drain in RF, for example. And who knows what they'll do with the draft pick? (Alphonso will say they'll squander it, and maybe so, but nothing deflates us more than a June draft when our first pick comes in the third round.) Dumping Robertson was business, end of story.

This is far different than last year's fiasco with Robby Cano, mostly because it was Cano who threw loyalty out the window, choosing a meaningless extra year on a ridiculous contract over the fans, the city and the franchise that raised him from a pup. We shouldn't blame Cano for wanting the gold. I understand it. But I will always, always, hold a grudge. I hope he plays 10 years and never sees the light of a post-season.

Alas, that may be our fate.

Listen: There is absolutely no point in trying to assess the Yankees' winter, thus far. Everything can change in a moment. But Cashman has made one point crystal clear: The farewell tours are done. There are no ties to the old teams. From now on, the Yankees will be ruthless - and Catfish-less and Reggie-less, too. Which means they better win.

Cashman's Genius At Play Again

Brian Cashman is the only " baseball person" in America, who didn't get the " force " of a bullpen that lined up as follows

9th - David Robertson
8th  -Miller or Bettances
7th  -Bettances or Miller

A force such as this in the bullpen simply means that even our crappy starters and middle relief pitchers only have to, alone or in combination, deliver 6 innings of respectable baseball to keep the Yankees in games.

Maybe what Brian knows, but won't reveal, is that his intended Yankee line-up will rarely deliver as many as 2 runs per game and, therefore, " keeping the Yankees in the game" doesn't really matter.  I hope this is the case because, if not, then Cashman is even more useless as a GM than I imagined.

So now, the whole 2015 team-rebuilding approach belly flops.  We all know that Miller and Bettances aren't perfect, so the Yankees now need 7 innings to get to them, and of what use are they when our opponents blow the game open in the 7th inning?

If we are down by 5 runs at the end of 7 innings, will we ever see either Bettances or Miller?  We could go the entire season without one meaningful moment for these two.

So let's turn to the good news.  What came out of all this chicanery is that we get an " oreo" pick from the loss of Robertson.  How much is that worth?  The nearly $50 million that was paid to Robertson by the White Sox or, rather, that the Yankees chose not to pay him?

I think; maybe 50 cents.

Brian Cashman , and his team of incompetent, ignorant dolts who scout talent, and recommend our draft pick selections, have zero chance of identifying a ballplayer who can become a star in our system.
Year after year, easily for a decade now, they have produced miserable results.  I am serious when I say that the Yankees would have more talent in their minor league system right now, if they had drawn eligible names out of a hat for the last ten years.

So finageling a sandwich pick, in this case, is like shooting oneself in the foot.

Yankee fans are totally screwed.

The Kansas City Royals

Rhyme of the ancient Yankees: Money, money, everywhere - but not a cent to spend

Last night, Jon Lester went off the Yankee grid, hours after we lost David Robertson - in both cases, without ever firing off a shot.

Today, a popular view across the Yankiverse is that Hal Steinbrenner has been marshaling his bottle deposits, planning to grab a Max Scherzer or a James Shields, or somebody at least bigger than the two sorry teams signed for the 2014 Pinstripe Bowl: Penn State (6-6) and Boston College (7-5). Ouch.

Throughout the bidding processes for Lester and Robby, we were constantly told to keep our eyes on the mighty Yankees, who could strike suddenly and get their man. This, it turns out, was absolute crapola - a boldface lie - ejaculated by agents and click-happy websites.

This morning, in the continuing spirit of absolute crapola, let's imagine that the Evil Empire signs nobody else this winter, aside from an occasional Zelous and Yangervis. They walk away from the great Chase Headley chase and ignore Mad Max and Invisible Shields. Maybe they pen a Brendan McCarthy or Jason Grilli. Meh. And, of course, next July, our front office will be frantically gobbling up bad contracts like rolling a lint catcher over your ugliest Christmas sweater. Because, in the end, bad contracts are what they do best.

But, according to the wondrous Cot's Baseball Contracts website, here's where the Yankees stand in long range contracts. Take a moment, and peruse this, because it is the Yankees' version of the CIA Torture Report. Study it, and you will see for yourself how screwed we are:

The Yankee payroll currently stands at $180 million. But, as you can see, that's not counting the looming arbitration settlements for Kelley, Phelps, Pineda, Warren, Wilson, Betances and Didi Gregorius. Without doing anything more, our payroll will vault near or above $200 million. It won't be until 2018 when the team climbs out from under this Mount Everest of bad contracts. The question is, will we have merely replaced them with new ones?

(Obligatory note: A $250 million payroll is a pittance compared to the money being made by the Yankees. It's been estimated that Hal Steinbrenner could double that payroll and still break even. But he won't, because - in the end - this is a mere parlor game being played by friends, and if he spends too much, the other owners will not like him, and it wouldn't be fun. Hail Hydra.) 

Take one more look at that graphic. In 2018, the Yankees will be on the dime for Tanaka, Ellsbury, McCann, Gardner and Miller. They'll have picked up Betances, Pineda, Phelps, et al. But you can get the picture. In 2018, if we do something stupid, the Yankees could start building a long term powerhouse.

There is a scene in the Showtime series "Homeland," where Mandy Patinkin - playing the brilliant CIA analyst - tells a U.S. General something like this: "We have been in Afghanistan now for 14 years, without thinking about the long range. Instead of fighting a 14-year war, we have fought a one-year war, 14 times."

Listen: It's time for the Yankees to think in similar terms. Yes, we can load up and try to make the 2015 Wild Card game. And yes, if you snag a wild card, who knows what might happen? But if we are going to build a team like the one that won four rings between 1996 and 2000, we must prepare to sit out the next wave of eight-year deals. It starts this week, right?

Yankees release "torture report"

The Winter Meetings, 2014

The new annual Yankee refrain: "So long, Robby"

The Yankees will never bolt a plaque for David Robertson onto the hallowed walls of Monument Park. They will never retire his jersey number 30. The man who replaced Mariano will not go into Cooperstown as a lifelong Yankee. For a long time to come, there may not be such things.

Today, Robby is becoming a Chicago Whitesock. For some reason, I cannot rid my mind of the name Carlton Fisk.

Next time we see D-Rob, he might have a beard. It will be the ninth inning, and the Yankees will be down by a run. He'll walk Gardner, then give up a double to Ellsbury - men on 1st and 3rd, no outs. The manager will walk out. The infield will huddle. The manager will walk back. The crowd will roar, and the YES men will gurgle. Then Robby will fan Tex, A-Rod and Beltran on 10 pitches. "Houdini," they'll say. And we will know how it feels.

I blame Robertson's new home on Bud Selig's rule that requires teams to lose a high draft pick for signing free agents with qualifying offers from their base franchises. The players union must have nodded off during those negotiations. Last year, all of baseball shunned Stephen Drew and Kendrys Morales, because they were attached to draft picks. Now, I believe the Yankees truly wanted to keep Robertson... but they also coveted that juicy pick, which comes with saying, "So long..."

So now we reach the crossroads: What will the Yankees do with two picks? Will they chase one of the Big Three - Lester, Scherzer or Shields - and figure the ensuing lost pick is a wash? Will they chase lesser pitchers - Brendan McCarthy or Jason Grilli - and stockpile picks, playing a long range strategy?

I can't fault Cashman's logic. The Evil Empire has two advantages over the rest of baseball, and one is rapidly fading. The first is money, which other super-rich owners are starting to spend. The second is legacy - 27 World Championships, and all those plaques in Monument Park. You can't put a price tag on history.

But someday, there may be a break in the fossil record - a long stretch devoid of lifelong Yankees. Right now, there is one remaining from 2009: Brett Gardner. He's good - but not necessarily a plaque in center.

Oh well, we were running out of jersey numbers anyway. Still, I thought "30" had a chance.

To entice fans, 2015 Yankees will be eaten alive by a giant anaconda named A-Rod

The Yankees' incredible journey through the giant snake is expected to take three years. Throughout the digestion process, updates will air nightly on the YES Channel and the Yankee Radio Network, driven by Jeep. Regular highlights will include Suzyn's Clubhouse Report, which will be broadcast live from the snake's belly. Also, Steiner Collectibles will sell etchings of Yankee greats, as drawn by new shortstop Didi Gregorius, on dried skin from the leviathan. Sometime around 2017, in ceremonies stretching along the Canyon of Heroes, the team will emerge during the snake's final bowel movement and receive a key to the city from former mayor Rudy Giuliani. The snake will then be transported to Cooperstown.

Headley... possibly... barely... uncaringly...

Last night's hottest Chase Headley gossip hit me like the Breaking NFL Hotline News that the Jersey Jints had trounced the mighty Titans of Tennessee... keeping alive their dreams of a 6-10 season. I blinked my eyes and thought: Is anyone still following this?

The headzup from Headley claims that our hero "loved-loved-loved" his two months in NYC - (Hey, with all those $10 Rolexes sold on the streets, who wouldn't!) - and wants to return to the Disney World-worthy replica of the House that Ruth Built. Whenever a player says such a thing, I can't help but think: "Mr. Steinbrenner, it's Scott Brosius on line one." The guy is standing on the midway, like a dwarf outside a freak show, trying to bark up the price. Frankly, I think that's Headley's plan. And unless he comes down to the Yankees' offer - rather than talking them up to his - I say, fukkim.

Yes, it was nice last August to have an actual 3B at 3B. But Headley is on the decline - if not the free fall - of an astonishingly undistinguished and forgettable MLB career. He was once an all-star. Whoop-dee-doo. If he's trying to shake out a few extra dimes in his last meaningful contract, fine. Good luck on that. But next summer, if necessary, I would rather watch Martin Prado at third while the rookie Rob Refsnyder fails at 2B, because at least Ref's resulting .225 average won't be a fait accompli.

But wait... Another thought just got me a-thinkin':

What if it's true? 

What if Chase Headley REALLY DOES want to be a Yankee?

Wow. Sensory overload. What if there is a Santa, Bill Cosby is innocent, and Henry Kissinger is not an alien lizard-person overlord? Maybe there are still players who grew up wanting to play for the Yankees. Andrew Miller took less money to be a Yankee rather than an Astro - which, of course, is like choosing the Beatles over the Monkees... but money is money. And if Headley would take less - that is, to prove he wants to be in NY - well, maybe we'd have an actual Yankee, as well as an actual 3B.

My guess is that by Wednesday, Headley will be a happy Giant, sleeping well knowing he squeezed every last cent out of next season's .225 average. If so, good luck, San Francisco. I won't be weeping. He's not a replacement for the Panda. He's only a replacement for Yangervis Solarte.

A picture of how it used to be

Via Reddit. This is a shot reportedly taken in the last inning of the 1977 regular season. That's Reggie in right, waiting to be trampled.