At least Yankee fans can sit back and snicker about Aroldis

These nights - if you crave some wholesome, gruesome Halloween horror - there is always the zombie parade of ex-Yanks and shouldabeens in the postseason, leading their teams to glory. 

It's fun to imagine Hal and Cash sitting in their home entertainment theaters, stroking their Starr Insurance arm patches, and cursing the juju gods for their ever-shrinking reputations. We can watch Jordan Montgomery, Nathan Eovaldi and Bryce Harper succeed, and with each solid outing, each HR, each personal victory, they remind the world of how incompetently the '23 Yankees were run. 

The poster boy for last season's failure should not be Willie Calhoun. 

It deserves to be Prince Hal.  

But but but... one particular pitcher is managing to make the brass look rather polished.  

I'm referring to the Grin Reaper, the Human Waterfall, the Cuban Missile Crisis - El Chapo, himself- Mr. Aroldis Chapman - the man who fires bullets, figuratively and literally. 

Last night, in case you missed it - (what? you actually have a life?) - the Texas Rangers brought in El Chapsick to protect a two-run lead in the 8th. The previous night, he had nearly given up a critical two-run blast, sending his left-fielder leaping at the outfield wall. You'd think they'd have learned. Chappy has a - well - a history at Minute Maid Park. When he enters a game, balls are known to leave the field. 

Well, last night, he came through - for Hal and Cash, anyway. The second batter, Yordan Alvarez, sent a ball up to Elon's Starlink system, cutting the Rangers' lead to one and sending Aroldis to the seafood buffet.  

Look, it's no fun watching a proud ex-Yankee star become the subject of mockery and derision... unless that certain proud ex-Yankee star happened to quit on your team last October. 

Then - well, yeah, ya know what? - it is sorta fun! 

Out there on the mound, Chapman is a human gas can. No lead is safe. At any time, he's capable of going POOF. And he's theirs - not ours - he can never hurt us again. (Even if he pitches well, he's a walking embarrassment to Hal and Cash, so - yeah- we're off the hook.)

Small victories, I suppose. Bring him in, Texas! He's all yours! And he's working on that slider! Any day now, he'll perfect it, and be unhittable! 

Fun with numbers

 

So last night, the good folks at Fox Sports treated us to a few stats on the Houston Astros' recent run of successful cheating dynasty building.

It seems that the Astros have now:

—Made league championship series seven years in a row. (Only one club has a longer streak.)

—Made the playoffs seven years in a row. (Only three clubs have longer streaks.)

—Won four pennants in six seasons. (Accomplished by only nine clubs. But there is an intriguing catch.)

What team has a longer, championship series streak? I don't think any of you will be surprised to know that it's the Braves, 1991-1999. (Of course, this conveniently leaves out the 1994, strike-shortened season, when the Braves were six back of Montreal and looked like roadkill before the strike put the kibosh on the postseason.)

The longer playoff streaks? Again the Braves, with 14* (1991-2005); your New York Yankees, 13 (1995-2007); and the Dodgers, at 11 and counting. 

As to winning 4 pennants in 6 years...well, note how the answer was phrased: Nine clubs.

So, from what I've been able to figure, besides the Astros themselves, the other seven are:

—Chicago Cubs (1906-1910; 1906-1908, 1910)

—Philadelphia Athletics (1910-1914; 1910-1911, 1913-1914)

—New York Giants (1921-1924)

—St. Louis Cardinals (1942-1946; 1942-1944, 1946)

—Brooklyn Dodgers (1952-1956; 1952-1953, 1955-1956)

—Baltimore Orioles (1966-1971; 1966, 1969-1971)

—Atlanta Braves (1991-1996; 1991-1992, 1995-1996)

And then there are the Yankees. Who, strictly speaking, DID IT 31 TIMES!

Consider:

—1921-1926 (1921-1923, 1926)

—1922-1927 (1922-23, 1926-1927)

—1923-1928 (1923, 1926-1928)

—1936-1939

—1936-1941 (1936-1939, 1941)

—1937-1941 (1937-1939, 1941)

—1937-1942 (1937-1939, 1942)

—1938-1942 (1938-1939, 1941-1942)

—1938-1943 (1938-1939, 1941-1943)

—1939-1943 (1939, 1941-1943)

—1947-1951 (1947, 1949-1951)

—1947-1952 (1947, 1949-1952)

—1949-1953

—1951-1955 (1951-1953, 1955)

—1951-1956 (1951-1953, 1955-1956)

—1952-1956 (1952-1953, 1955-1956)

—1952-1957 (1952-1953, 1955-1957)

—1953-1957 (1953, 1955-1957)

—1953-1958 (1953, 1955-1958)

—1955-1958

—1956-1960 (1956-1958, 1960)

—1956-1961 (1956-1958, 1960-1961)

—1957-1961 (1957-1958, 1960-1961)

—1957-1962 (1957-1958, 1960-1962)

—1958-1962 (1958, 1960-1962)

—1958-1963 (1958, 1960-1963)

—1960-1964

—1976-1981 (1976-1978, 1981)

—1996-2000 (1996, 1998-2000)

—1998-2001

—1999-2003 (1999-2001, 2003)

But, you know...never since 2003. I wonder what that's about.

Every night, the MLB playoffs continue to torture Brian "Cooperstown" Cashman, and Yankee fans should be loving it

In a common, climactic, zombie flick ending, the villain's dead victims escape their cages and eat him alive. Evil dead karma. Freddie, Jason, Michael - they end up suffering for the rest of eternity, or at least until the next remake. Horror fans can be a tough crowd. They want their villains properly punished.

This month, I suspect Brian "Cooperstown" Cashman will avoid the nonstop rain of slashers, demons and monsters; they'll remind him too much of the MLB playoffs. 

Imagine the torture Cash felt last night, watching Jordan Montgomery throw 6.1 shutout innings against the team that swept us last October? Or watching Aroldis Chapman - the Human Waterfall - toss a scoreless frame? (Fun Fact: His gopher ball died at the left field wall and became a DP because Li'l Jose Altuve screwed up on the base paths.) Wherever he was, Cashman must have felt like Hans Gruber, plummeting from Nakatomi Plaza. 

This follows two weeks of watching Bryce Harper claim the distinction of baseball's greatest October slugger. He's the guy Cashman ran from, screaming, when Harper came to NYC, seeking the chance to fulfill his childhood dream of wearing pinstripes. Bad decision, ya think?

Tonight, Cash gets to watch Nathan Eovaldi, another former Yank, who has already cemented his reputation as a gamer. The Rangers signed him for four years at a fraction of what the Death Star will pay Carlos Rodon through 2028. But, hey, we do have those cool Starr Insurance uniform patches to help pay for it.

Every night, the Yankee fan base finds new reasons to rage over front office malfeasance, and the primal screams reach a crescendo with the reminder that Cash, Hal, Randy and Boonie - the whole criminal gang - will likely all return next season for more mirth and mayhem.  

Yeah, I wonder what Cash watched last night? The Giants, tanking against Buffalo? Nah, too many Yank vibes. "The Wonderful World of Disney 100th Anniversary Special" on ABC? Maybe. When in doubt, there's always Goofy. Or "Yellowstone," the cowboy soap opera starring Ray Kinsella from Field of Dreams. 

Whatever. As Yank fans, we've reached that numb point of nausea, where you embrace the humiliation simply because they must be watching it, too. Yes, Hal, Cash and the cast of Knots Landing - they must be feeling it, too. Of course, they won't suffer enough. They're rich, and they'll forever milk the fan base, and nothing will change that. 

Still, it must hurt to be a laughingstock, a punch line, and for now, that's our Yankee heritage. In Cashman's case, I get the feeling that this is it - this will be his final legacy - stuck in the crypt, and the zombies have escaped. Every night, for us, it's almost sorta cleansing. For them, though, game after game, night after night... it's gotta be hell. We can only hope.

The Florida Problem

No not that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that... I could do this all day. 

Mr. Duque brought up a number of interesting points this AM about Randy Levine's comments. Here's my two cents...  

Let's start with a little nit picking... Hey Mr. Levine!

"A lot more focus has to be on individual teams to do better and not just rely on revenue sharing. You can't have two Florida teams averaging 15,000 fans. You can't have it. You don't go into an NFL stadium or an NBA arena and see that."

Uh... Actually with the NBA you kinda do. You know, because arenas tend to sit 15-20K.

Also, if you played 17 baseball games a year they would sell out. 

But to his broader point... 

The two Florida baseball teams have no reason to exist and the Yankees shouldn't have to pay to keep them in business. On this he's not entirely wrong. 

Tampa Bay plays in a shithole stadium located on the wrong side of the bridge.  Plus, a large number of the baseball fans down there have other allegiances and there really is no reason to go. 

I kind of understand why Miami doesn't draw. You would think the demographics would provide a solid group of people who attend and maybe it does, but that's pretty much it. 

No one visiting Miami says, "Let's do the beach, check out the Art Deco scene, and Calle Ocho, and oh and we've GOT to check out a Marlins game. I've always wanted to go to Whatevertheycallit Stadium.

Conversely Yankee Stadium is a NY bucket list item, it's like Radio City Music Hall. Except the Rockettes' legs work. 

Side question... Do Rockettes pull hammies? Maybe the Yankees should hire their trainer. 

That said, I can see why he's pissed that the Yankees are subsidizing teams that have bad business models, especially since clearly they are better run and beat the Yankees using their money. 

Of course, as EL Duque points out, that doesn't have to be the case and is more about Yankee front office ineptitude than anything else. 

Nevertheless the basic premise still stands. The Yankees pay the Marlins and the Rays to beat them. Apparently they do this a lot. For example, they pay the Orioles to play Aaron Hicks and pay Giancarlo Stanton to DH. 

Here's the solution.

Do it like the old days where the Kansas City A's were pretty much a farm team for the much wealthier Yankees. 

The Yankees keep subsidizing the Rays and Marins but get players in return. Miami gets their 20M revenue share and we get Arraez. 

Fair is fair. 

It's just not fair: Randy Levine complains that the Rays and Marlins field better teams on less money

Generally, it's a sign of rot whenever the topic "Randy Levine" trends on Twitter, or X, or whatever it calls itself these days. This weekend, the Yankee President of Nothingness - (Fun Fact: Randy was once touted as a candidate for White House chief of staff under Donald Trump) - fumed over the success of the Miami Marlins and Tampa Rays, despite those franchises spending micro-pittances on their payrolls. 

It's sad that Levine would bully the poor Florida teams, who must also face sinkholes, red tide, pythons, gay people and venereal disease outbreaks in The Villages. But it's obvious why he choses those teams. 

Tampa annually owns us, despite a team payroll that would barely cover our outfield. And Miami, long ago, did us the ultimate dirt: They gave us Giancarlo Stanton for a handful of magic beans. 

This season, the Marlins averaged 14,000 spectators per game. The rock band Creed might have drawn more. Tampa averaged about 18,000. Nobody cared in April. Nobody still didn't in October. What galls Randy is that both franchises made money, thanks to luxury tax revenue sharing. 

Says Randy:

"A lot more focus has to be on individual teams to do better and not just rely on revenue sharing. You can't have two Florida teams averaging 15,000 fans. You can't have it. You don't go into an NFL stadium or an NBA arena and see that."

Nope. You can't have it. Nosireeebob. Not when the Yankees - and Mets, Giants, Jets, Knicks, Nets, Rangers, Devils, Islanders, etc - serve as the prime beacons of mismanagement in American sports. 

NYC has the greatest fanbases in the world, which means one thing: 

To make money, the ownerships do not need to put good teams into play. 

What should have galled Mr. Levine is that both Tampa and Miami put far superior products onto the field in 2023. 

You know, looking back, he could have made a great Trump sex slave. 

Creating a crapshoot.

 

So, for the third straight season—and the fifth straight, if we take out the Covid season—the team with the best, regular-season record in the National League did not even make it to the NLCS. 

Or, as some MLB announcer put it in a tell-tale description, "the first seed" didn't make it. As if major-league baseball is like any other pro sport, or maybe the NCAA tourney.

It hasn't been quite as bad in the Junior Circuit—but 3 AL, "no. 1 seeds" have also failed to make the ALCS over the past seven seasons now. In 2023, the teams with the top three records in the majors—and the only 100-win teams—were all eliminated before they even reached the league championship series.

This has been attributed to many things: the long layoff that the division winners get as a "reward." The shorter series that the teams play, earlier on—which, ironically, make it MORE likely the lesser team will win in baseball. 

Various ideas have been submitted to do something about this. I would favor adding two more teams, dividing the leagues into four divisions of four teams each, then having only the division winners in the playoffs. They would all play seven-game series, in each round.

Under this format, nobody could get to the playoffs without finishing first in something. 

But I doubt if MLB is looking for a "solution." The current system gives the likes of Brian Cashman a rationale to hide behind:  "Just make the playoffs. It's all a crapshoot."

More and more, he's right—though this still doesn't account for why Houston is going to its seventh straight ALCS (Hint: J.V.). But more importantly, the format allows MLB to sucker fans into thinking that their team can finish third in their division and still have a fair chance of taking the World Series. Everybody into the pennant race, gang!

It's lotto baseball, and don't forget, you can still win something getting three in a row or the powerball number.

To me, this is to distort one of the great joys of baseball, which is the long season. Baseball, everyday, for six months. Baseball that means something—at least for teams that have reached a certain level of excellence—and baseball that ends with a meaningful championship. Or wonderful, excruciating heartbreak.

Baseball without the long season meaning much is a long day's journey into Hohumville. For better and for worse, baseball isn't football or basketball, and it can't be those things. It shouldn't try. Those of us who actually follow and love the sport know that, frankly, even back in the Two "Playoff" Team era, the World Series was already something of a crapshoot. You knew the best team through six months of hard-fought play.

Nothing could take that away. 

What's worse, Crapshoot Playoffs reflect the way the game is played today. Batter by batter, pitch by pitch, baseball has become a giant crapshoot. Strikeout or home run, with each roll of the dice. All greater skill and subtlety is eliminated.

So it is with what we have in this pathetic wreckage of a playoffs today, where Arizona or Texas could easily be World Champs. 

C'mon, seven and eleven! Rooting for the numbers makes as much sense—and gives as much joy—as watching these champion frauds.

 

Top Ten ANGRY Homer Hollars we'll never get to hear from John Sterling

1. A BLAST FROM BRYCE! WHO THEY SAID WASN'T WORTH THE PRICE!

2. A LONG FLY FROM SHOHEI! NOT A YANKEE GUY. WHY? WHY? WHY?

3. IT'S JUNIOR VLAD! AT US, HE'S STILL MAD!

4. MOOKIE BETTS! NEVER BE OURS, BUT CALL THE METS!

5. FREDDIE FREEMAN! TAKE A KNEE, MAN!

6. HEY, RONALD ACUNA? LOOK HERE, CUZ I'LL MOON YA!

7. JUAN SOTO, WE'RE NOT IN KANSAS, TOTO!

8. A WHACK FROM MUCHADO, CANCEL OUR BRAVADO!

9. MATT OLSON? GIMME A MOLSON!

10. RAFAEL DEVERS! MORE BAD YANKEE ENDEAVORS!

Top ten reasons the Yankees didn't sign Bryce Harper in 2019

1. They already had Mike Tauchman.

2. He came on too aggressively; that stuff turns a girl off.

3. A lefty slugger in Yankee Stadium? That's absurd.

4. He looked like the type who would want to grow a beard.

5. Those claims that he'd been a Yankee fan all his life? Who believes that?

6. It was obvious that he couldn't handle the pressure.

7. Age 26? Way too young. They'd wait until he's 39.

8. The Yankees simply had no money. And did the fans bother to thank them for all that they were already spending?

9. I mean, the showers needed refinishing, and the old gasheap needed new tires. How was Hal expected to live on the meager money he was making off the Yankees?

10. It doesn't grow on trees, people.  

Glad we didn't get these mutts.

 

As this Yankees-less playoff season trundles along, let's not be so conscious of how well a virtual team-ful of ex-Yankees is doing that we neglect to note how well so many of those Yankees-who-never-were are faring (yet again).

Bryce Harper, the man who supposedly offered himself to the Yankees at a discount when he was a free agent before the 2019 season, has been, what's the technical term? One Bad Motherfucker of late, getting his Phillies within a game of the NLCS—where he won the 2022 series MVP.

The Yankees ignored his pleas, of course. And all Harper—a lefty hitter—has done since is won a regular-season MVP and a Silver Slugger, made an All-Star team, and hit 9 postseasons home runs (and counting). 

Can you picture that guy hitting behind Judge? Good riddance to bad rubbish!

And then there's Justin Verlander, back in the ALCS for the SEVENTH STRAIGHT time with his Houston Astros. He's won 10 games in the postseason since he went to Houston—including 2 in 2017, when he was the ALCS MVP for shutting us down (twice). 

Verlander's only won two (and nearly three) Cy Youngs since going to the Lone Star State.

But Brian Cashman had a better idea, of course: trade for Sonny Gray! Who he then dealt for Shed Long, Jr.! Shed Long, Sr. is an entire guest cottage! Remember your waitresses!

Clutch, big-game giants who are already Hall-of-Fame locks. And I won't even get into the various supporting characters we ALSO didn't sign or trade for when we had the chance, most notably Corey Seagar and J.T. Realmuto.

But I'm sure their analytics just didn't hold up. Hey, always remember, folks: trust the PROCESS. And when the process works like this, I say bring on the AI bots.

Speaking blaspheme: Top Ten Reasons Why the Yankees should - gasp - re-sign Luis Severino

1. Nathan Eovaldi.

2. Sonny Gray.

3. Jordan Montgomery.

4. Lance Lynn.

5. If they get emotional and bawl about team loyalty, family, commitment, etc - do some hugging, and shots of tequila - they might get him cheap.

6. He'll turn 30 next year. Thirty.

7. It's time to stop scapegoating players, as if they were to blame for everything that went wrong. Sevy returned too soon from an injury, he had nothing, he got pounded, and he got booed off the mound. He was trying to rescue a rotation in freefall. He should have suffered those outings in Scranton. He deserves a chance to clear his name.  

8. Even if Sevy fails, it'll still beat watching him go elsewhere - (gulp, Boston?) - and succeed. By a lot. 

9. Whomever they sign to replace him will bring a brand new tranche of personal baggage. They'll find someone who had disappointed in his previous incarnation - another  team's Sevy. 

10. The devil you know... 

Seriously, the wolfpack view across the Yankiverse is that "it's better for both sides" if Severino goes elsewhere. Sez who? Sez the brain trust who cast out Eovaldi, Gray and Jordan? 

Maybe it's time for the Yankees to show irrational loyalty to a player they know - especially if they're going to show crazy, stupid fealty to their managerial and front office cupcakes. 

Re-sign Sevy. And if he fails again, so what? At least we tried.

Hal Steinbrenner promises "changes."

 

Top Ten Reasons to Be Prideful, if you're a Yankee fan

1. Finished above .500 for 31st straight year! Unbelievable! 

2. Not only that, but they finished TWO (2) games above .500.  A game to spare! It wasn't even close!

3. Next up, we're looking to beat that 39-year above-.500 streak by the ancient Yankees. Yes, Mr. Boone, there is a reason to live!

4. Ex-Yanks Nathan Eovaldi, Jordan Montgomery and El Chapo leading Texas to the ALCS. A little bit of NYC on that team!

5. Gerrit Cole.

6. Bryce Harper thrown out to end Phillies game two. What a bum! How smart we were, not signing him! Waytago, front office!

7. AL East Yankee-haters Tampa, Toronto and Baltimore all eliminated. Haha. Take a seat, losers. Not so mouthy now, is ya? 

8. When he finally got called up to NYC, Estevan Florial only hit .230. See? The Yankee brass was right about him. Waytago, front office!

9. Franchise deftly managing to make big payroll the culprit in team demise. Thus, they can dump salaries, skip free agent auctions and bank more money. Waiting for the outside "audit." (Wink, wink.) Waytago, front office!

10. Humina humina humina... um, finished over .500... again! THE STREAK LIVES!  Take THAT, Kansas City!

Top Ten Reasons to be depressed, if you're a Yankee fan

Keeping the top 10 flow...

1. Aaron Judge and Gerrit Cole have had their peak seasons. We cannot expect more from them.

2. Giancarlo Stanton has now gone two straight years hitting below .211, with an on base percentage below .300. He'll be 34, and he can't run. His problems run much deeper than merely the batting coach.

3. The Yankees can spend $240 million to merely recreate last year's lineup. That's over the luxury tax threshold, and it wouldn't solve the holes in LF, CF and 3B.

4. It increasingly looks as though nobody in management will be held accountable for last year's collapse.

5. Hal Steinbrenner has figured out what we have long feared: That mediocre Yankee teams can still turn a profit. All they must do is contend through mid-September. With a 12-team playoff system, that's not hard. 

6. Because they own the principle media that covers them, the Yankee ownership escapes the scathing criticism that players regularly hear.  

7. The Mets and Redsocks are poised to spend big this winter. Both teams strategically tanked this season, seeking better draft picks. 

8. The farm system is so-so. (The Mets revived themselves by trading Verlander and Scherzer, and Boston's is considered top 5.) 

9. Our premier impact rookie, Jasson Dominguez, will be out until July. (And we still don't know if he's for real.

10. Carlos Rodon has lost his fastball. That's not a pitch you can tweak. 

And Taylor Swift has chosen football. She won't be attending Yankee games.

The real question of the 2023-24 off season: Will Hal Steinbrenner collude with Steve Cohen, and how will it play out?

Last winter, it was - how would you say it? - "curious" - how Mets owner Steve Cohen sidestepped the bidding war over Aaron Judge. Here was his chance to sign baseball's greatest slugger, to anchor the Mets batting order, to bolster the clubhouse, to drive a stake into the crosstown rival Yankees and to take by storm the megalopolis of New York. In other auctions, Cohen bestrode the planet without restraint. Yet in the one battle would have made the biggest impact, he clutched his fanny pack and pulled up lame.

Now, there were solid reasons for this. Clearly, collusion had nothing - absolutely nothing! - to do with it. In fact, if anyone here remotely smart mouths that Mr. Cohen and Sir Hal Steinbrenner struck some sort of secret deal, well, I'm sending Alphonso to slap you crisply across the face. Because them be fightin' words! And around here, we don't tolerate fightin' words. You must think you landed on one of those sites that sit around and let the Yankees be complained about. Well, you're wrong. 

Last winter, no matter how it may have looked, there was NO collusion - none, whatsoever - between the two Titanic titans of Gotham. Moreover, as was stated above, we won't even speculate what kind of "collusion" could transpire this winter, because it WON'T. Get it, Mr. Ronan Farrow Woodward-Bernstein? NO COLLUSION!

But but BUT...  knowing this is just for fun, and because it's been a long, hard October, let's play a parlor game in which we enact a mythical conversation between two fictional owners that we'll call "Mr. Steve" and "Mr. Hal." 

This is how the Yankees and Mets could save themselves a lot of money - WHICH THEY WON'T DO! - which, instead of going to rich players, could be funneled back into their franchises for the betterment of all.  

Hal: Hey, Mr. Steve, we haven't dipped into the Asian market for a few years now. Can we get the pitcher, Yamamingo, Yamamengis, Yama - oh, I can never remember his name, but you know him. The Japanese guy. Can we have him? 

Steve: Wait a minute. I thought you wanted Clay Bellinger's kid? That's what you said. You can't have both. If you get Bellinger, then I want Yamamoto. 

Hal: Then you don't get Ohtani, because that would be three Japanese stars, counting Senga. That's too many. 

Steve: Senga is not a star. But you're right, the Commissioner has his secret quota. So, I'd trade you Clay's kid for Ohtani...

Hal: Clay's kid and Yamamingo. And I'll let you have Juan Soto. That's right. You can trade for him and maybe even Machado. I figure you traded Scherzer and Verlander for prospects, so all you gotta do is package them up and send them to San Diego. We'll sit that one out. Everybody wins!

Steve: Hmm. You get Clay's kid and the Motoman. We get Ohtani, Soto and Machado. You know something? That just might work! Now, what about 3B?

Of course, this won't happen. Because collusion doesn't exist.

The Real Audit: Part Four

 

Let's call this Part Four of the real, IIHIIFIIC audit of your New York Yankees.

This time, we turn to Josh Allen, and his piece at our esteemed, sister publication, Pinstripes Nation. 

Mr. Allen backs El Duque's recent words with facts and figures on just how screwed the Yankees are, how unable they are to undertake due to how many dollars have already been committed to sunk costs in the contracts of Cantrun, Rodon, DJ, and Rizzo.  

https://pinstripesnation.com/contract-flaws-cripple-yankees-in-2023-2023-10-04/

Allen's piece—written back when the team's audit had not yet been exposed for the p.r. fraud it was—points out that the Yanks are likely to be hit by a whopping luxury tax for 2023, and how there's no relief in sight.

"Over the years, extending from the inception of CBT (Competitive Balance Tax) penalties in 2003 through the 2022 season, the Yankees have borne the burden of these penalties on a staggering 17 occasions, accumulating a grand total of $358 million in penalties, according to the Associated Press," writes Allen. "This era of unprecedented payroll spending has seen the Yankees secure two American League pennants (in 2003 and 2009), and one World Series championship (in 2009)."

OUCH!

You would think, after seeing his record laid out that baldly (no pun intended!), somebody would be embarrassed.

But then, you would think that, after seeing that record, somebody would no longer have a job.

Let's be honest: All Yankee trade talk is crapola.

 This baby popped up today, on whether Juan Soto could become a Yankee.

Look, I mean no disrespect to the writer, or the site, or the editor, or the headline maker, or to the readers and/or to Juan Fucking Soto himself. But right now, the Yankiverse is a simmering sea of steamy bullshit, and the cause for clicks has possibly and reportedly never been less worthwhile. 

Fun fact: Everybody knows the Yankees could drain their farm system for Soto, which might work, or simply become the newest Worst Cashman Trade Ever. We can speculate into Opening Day on how or why such a deal might happen. But right now, it's bullshit - desperate bullshit - put forth by canny writers, because there is nothing to say about the Yankees this month, aside from the fact that they truly suck.

So, look, fellow treadmill gerbels of the Yankiverse... I say, abandon the trade talk, jettison the Aaron Boone questions, and get back to the tried and true method of grabbing viewers: Displaying ladies in their underwear. Get out your Page 6 thesaurus: They are "toned," their legs are "stems," and they "spill" out of their blouses, and they'll function as a three-month long Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition to fill in the hole that used to be the Yankees in October. 

As for IT IS HIGH - being woke and drunk - I say we'll go for another useful click-catcher: Top Ten Lists.

TOP TEN REASONS FOR YANKEE TOP TEN LISTS

1. Most Yankee fans have ten fingers and ten toes. Thus, this list will not confuse them. (Fun Fact: Many boosters of Oswaldo Cabrera are known to have six fingers.)

2. Lists are short. They cannot run on endlessly, across the 40-man roster, because - hey - you only get 10.

3. The are well organized. Numbers beat doing lists alphabetically or via the Dewey Decimal System. 

4. They challenge the writer. Really now, how can we do the Top Ten Reasons to Trade for Soto? After, No. 1, he can hit, everything else is crapola. Thus, Mr. Norman Mailer, you gotta roll up your sleeves and do some work. 

5. It's fun to see a writer become desperate for filler. This often happens around No. 5. 

6. The lists, um, can be read out loud! And who doesn't like to read them out loud?

7. They include important information, such as what 1B TJ Rumfield - (I love this guy's name, he's the new Rummy!) - hit last season at Double A Somerset. He hit .219 with 17 HRs. Next year, the Rumster hits Scranton! See? A big No. 7.

8. Okay, they fill space quite well. If No. 7 wasn't strong, maybe No. 8 will be better!

9. Humina humina humina...

10. They fill a void. And this October, the Yankees sure didn't. Go Jordan Montgomery! Make them pay.

Apparently, the Yankee brain trust wants Boone to be tougher on the employees.

According to today's Internet, the Death Barge wants Aaron Boone to return as manager next season, but in a Dark Brandon sort of way. 

Reportedly, Hal and Cash want Boonie to instill more discipline into the hired hands. Be tougher. No talking. No gum-chewing. No cell phones in class. No eating or drinking near the deep end. And watch that facial hair, dammit! Apparently, some people seem to think their mustaches are more important than the rules. The number one rule will be:

Obey. All. Rules.

Speaking on behalf of the Yankiverse... 

We. Are. Screwed.

I mean it. Screwed. This franchise is brain dead. It just suffered the most embarrassing season since the 1990s, and its apparent reaction will be to post inspirational bumper stickers in the showers. I can imagine conversations on the mound, when the newly reprogrammed Boone walks out with his hook.

"Skip, if you give me a chance, I can get this guy."

"Clay, if 'ifs' and 'buts' were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas."

"Uh-huh? So..."

"It's a short walk from the penthouse to the outhouse."

Yeah, discipline. That's the ticket. Tell the hitters to start hitting. Maybe yell at them. Call them "sissies." That's what the outside audit will demand. 

The Yankees are like a 50-foot electric cord so knotted-up that it looks like mating orange snakes. It'll take hours to untangle, by moving the ends backwards through the knots. It will take the Yankees two years to untangle this wretched $250 million mess. And nobody is coming to the rescue - not The Martian, not Drew Thorpe, not Anthony Volpe, and certainly not a newly re-engineered Aaron Boone. 

All we can do is root for MLB  to experience a full-on disaster: A world series between the Diamondbacks and Twins, the ratings equivalent of a new Ace Bigalow movie. Maybe then, the Powers That Be, who have spent the last 30 years trying to undermine the Yankees, will somehow secretly cut us some slack. This franchise is good at making knots. It doesn't have a clue how to untangle them.

I have one thing to say....

 Eppler did the right thing. Why not Cashman?

As October baseball continues, the Yankees foster mockery and disdain

Check out today's headline from the Athletic. Can you find the dig?

Yep, not hard to miss: "Baseball's best rivalry?" 

Well, I'm onboard. Why not? T'wuz a time when the Yanks/Redsocks might have quarreled with such a claim. Not anymore. 

In fact, MLB's other "greatest" rivalries probably include Dodgers-Giants, Rangers-Astros, Cubs-Cardinals and Rays-Jays.  

Boston v NY? 

War of the tomato cans.  

The battle for 4th in the AL East. 

Less of a draw than the Cortica Jug Game between Ithaca College and SUNY Cortland. 

Two big market franchises run by shoe salesmen, who desperately pinch pennies as they piss away vast fortunes, along with the dwindling expectations of fans.

Then there's this.

Of course, you didn't need a headline to hear what everybody knows: 

In the bidding war for Ohtani, who once seemed destined for NYC, the Yankees won't even make a rubber ducky squeak. If "the Japanese Babe Ruth" comes to Gotham on a free agent tour, Hal Steinbrenner will don a fake mustache and disconnect the phone. The Bryce Harper treatment. 

We all know the bitter truth: If Ohtani has any interest in the East Coast, he'll probably end up with the Mets.  

And then, the cruelest headline yet...

Well, in the immortal words of Kevin McCarthy, I say, "Bring it on." Let the spit shower begin, because the Yankees - under Shallow Hal - have done the impossible: They have reincarnated his dad's "worst team money can buy" designation from the late 1980s. We are reliving the Second Era of Danny Tartabull and Sid Thrift.

So... a dead October. We missed the postseason - an expanded set of playoffs. We spent $250 million to just barely win more games than we lost. We're so tied up with bad contracts and misplaced hubris that we have almost no cards to play this winter. And don't expect changes at the top.

Used to be, they talked about Yankee "mystique and aura." Now, it's mockery and disdain. 

And let it rain. LET IT RAIN!

The Hammer of God has spoken: Judge does not belong in the two-hole

From commenter Above Average

From IT IS HIGH Commentator Hammer of God, who hereby ends the debate on Aaron Judge batting second...

I finally completed my bean counting for the #2 hitter strategy. How many times did batting your "best hitter" in the #2 slot get him one more at bat? Here are the results for the 2023 Yankees:

The #2 hitter got up as the last potential Yankee out of the game a total of 23 times. It happened twice in the same game on 9/10/2023, 9th inning and 11th inning. It was Judge 14 times; Rizzo 3 times; Stanton 3 times; Torres 2 times; and Cabrera 1 time (as a defensive replacement hitting for Stanton).

It happened 16 times when it "mattered", meaning the score was plus or minus 3 runs. But one of the 16 times, the #2 hitter had been relieved for a defensive replacement (7/15/2023 Cabrera for Stanton).

Out of the 23 total times, there were 9 walks and 14 outs. Yes, that's right, not once did the strategy result in a hit!!!

Out of the 16 times when it "mattered", there were 7 walks and 9 outs. 5 of these 7 walks were intentional walks.

So all of the things that we talked about were on exhibition. In big situations, the other team was not likely to pitch to our "best hitter". The intentional walk was a huge weapon. In late game crucial situations, the other team was likely to pitch its best relievers, which resulted in a big ZERO for us at the plate. It exemplified why it is more difficult to hit in clutch situations. It showed the importance of taking the lead earlier in the game.

There had been talk about the #2 hitter getting 50 more at bats over the course of the season. That didn't happen here in 2023. It was only 23. But for those 23 at bats, of which only 16 were "important", you reduced the chances of your best hitter coming up with men on base in the 1st inning over 162 games!!!

So how much did this strategy hurt them in the 1st inning? Well, I only bothered to count the home runs by the #2 hitter in the 1st inning. There were 13 home runs by Yankee #2 hitters in the 1st innings. 9 by Judge; 2 by Stanton; 2 by Torres.

Of Judge's 9 homers, 7 were solo. 1 by Stanton was solo. Both Torres homers were 2 run homers.

It only illustrates the stupidity of putting your biggest home run hitter in the #2 slot. 7 out of 9 homers by Judge were solo!!! I don't know how many 3 run homers Yankee hitters got this year during any part of the game, but it couldn't have been many. That's a lot of wasted power in 162 1st innings, turning potential 2 or 3 run homers into solo homers. And this is just counting the home runs, not the base hits.