Let's come to grips with some things the Yankees MUST NOT do

The franchise is tottering, our enemies are chuckling, and Brian Cashman is becoming an angry, dwarf eunuch who shouts NSFW truths at children and designated hitters. But - hey - let's not throw the Booney out with the bathwater. 

Here are some things the Yankees should NOT do, even if it feels good...

They must not... 

1. Release Giancarlo Stanton. We owe him $98 million. Of course, we wish he'd retire. He won't. He's the Babadook. Throw him away, he magically returns. So, don't bother. And what's the point of releasing him? If he has a comeback year, or a good month, then maybe we find a taker. Release him, and we get nothing. Sorry, folks, but it makes no sense. We're stuck with him, and vice-versa. 

They must not...

2. Trade Gleyber to the Redsocks. No, no, NO! Don't get me wrong: We can trade the guy. I'm not saying Gleyber must stay. But to Boston? And for Verdugo, the new Red Thunder? Hard no. Hard, hard no.

They must not...

3. Sign Kevin Kiermaier. Really? Why? A career .249 hitter with minimal power, entering age 34. We'd be better off keeping Harrison Bader. Is Estevan Florial that hopeless? Flo hit .284 with 28 HRs at Scranton. Does it mean nothing? Please, I beg you: Tell me we won't sign Kiermaier. 

They must not...

4. Trade The Martian. Yeah, he might end up sucking. Nobody knows. And here I go, hugging prospects again. So, sue me. At least Dominguez offers some hope. Considering he's out until July, we can't expect much from him in 2024. But his trade value will also be low. Keep him. Give us something to believe in. Even if it's not true.

They must not... 

5. Sit out another Asian free agent market. WTF? Masahiro Tanaka was great. Before him, it was Hiroki Kuroda. And it began with Godzilla. So, what pencil-necked office wonk decided to view all Asian players as Kei Igawa? Everywhere, good teams have at least one impact player from Japan or Korea. We have Kyle Higashioka (That's a joke; he's from Huntington Beach, CA.) I'd add Cuba to the list, as well. Get out the dollar-converter and sign somebody, ya fuckin' cheapskates.

Giancarlo, Non Si Puo Stoparlo!

 

From the Department of "Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse", comes a headline from USA Today:

Giancarlo Stanton's agent warns free agents about joining New York Yankees

 

As a sports agent, what do you do when your chronically injured, high priced client shits the bed for an entire season and his team complains about it?

One thing you might do is keep mum and count your blessings that the ink on that contract dried long ago.  You might take comfort in the knowledge that your client is set for life.  You might even mutter something about sticks and stones and leave it at that.

Another alternative, however, was one chosen by Joel Wolfe, Stanton's agent.  That would be where you poison the very water in which your client is drowning and make sure your client gets no other teammates who might come in and help lift his game.

This war of words started when Brian Cashman called out Stanton's fragility and miserable season in a few deft, stinging sentences:

“[Stanton]'s going to wind up getting hurt again more likely than not because it seems to be part of his game.  He’s injury-prone. We all have lived and known that, but he’s never not hit when he’s playing, and this year is the first time that that’s happened."

Wolfe took some serious umbrage at these words.  Wolfe said that Cashman's comments serve as...

"...a good reminder for all free agents considering signing in New York, both foreign and domestic, that to play for that team you've got to be made of Teflon, both mentally and physically"

In my worldview, Cashman would be within his rights to respond as follows:

Teflon?  Your client hit .191 last season, including 24 HRs and 60 RBIs in a whopping 101 games. He also set career lows in slugging and OPS.  Forget Teflon.  Your client is made of porcelain.

So there we have it.  We're saddled with a guy to whom we owe $98 million.    A guy whose agent doesn't want any more free agents to be signed who might help his client out of his funk.

With respect to premier free agent Juan Soto, Duque wrote this morning:

Bat [Soto] third, and Aaron Judge adds 20 HRs. We might even salvage Giancarlo.

And our favorite $98 Million salvage project doesn't see the fundamental correctness of Duque's observation.

Great.  Just great.

The terrifying reality of 2024: The Yankees must trust Brian Cashman to cut a deal for Juan Soto

Okay, parlor game: Imagine that IT IS HIGH invents a time machine. So, whadda we do...? 

Obviously, we set the Wayback to 2001 and stop the world series loss to Arizona. But we don't bother with Luis Gonzalez or Catsup Curt. The previous winter, we don't let Boston acquire Manny Ramirez. That's the fulcrum point. If Manny goes to Boston, over the next eight years, he'll hit 274 HRs, bat .312, and drive us nuts. He'll kill The Curse. He'll be baseball's best pure hitter, a bamboo dart in our asses. We gotta stop him. How? FuckifIknow. You built the fucking time machine, fer kricesakes; so, figure out how to get Manny. 

Which brings me to today's Epic Literary Point: 

I believe we are near the Second Coming of Manny Ramirez. His name is Juan Soto. The Padres can't stomach his $33 million salary, and he'll demand even more next winter. The Yankees need him. He'll be a one-year NYC rental, a chance to size-up Gotham, and for Gotham to size-him up back. 

Bottom line: We must acquire Soto, no matter how badly it hurts. He might be the baseball's best LH hitter. (Bryce Harper is another time machine issue, for another time machine.)

The great Mike Axisa of River Ave (subscription required) suggests the Death Barge could get Sojo for Michael King and three prospects, including Everson Pereira. Frankly, I dunno. I avoid trade speculations, which are always bogus. (Honestly, when MLB execs whine about critics, on the matter or trade speculation, they have a point.)

Whatever it takes, the Yanks must get Soto. He has all the trappings of the next Manny. He's not great in LF, he's sorta moody, and every at-bat is a three-act play. But the somabitch can hit. 

Bat him third, and Aaron Judge adds 20 HRs. We might even salvage Giancarlo (who, sadly, we must keep.)  

Make no mistake: Our worst holdover is not Stanton. It's Hal Steinbrenner and Brian Cashman, who face no accountability for the last two miserable years. 

Hey... did I mention that I am from the future? I know things: Life is not fair. The sparrow is immortal. Taylor Swift is an alien. And Soto must be a Yankee. It simply must happen. Traders gotta trade...

Holy cow! Our new hitting coach is an actual major league coach!

Will wonders never fucking cease?

 

Welcome to Chump City

 

Congratulations to the New Jersey/New York Gotham FC, our new, local, pro sports champion!

I have to admit that I have never seen a single Gotham game, but I am proud to report that the team won the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) championship in San Diego on Saturday.  

The Gotham—including star Midge Purce, right—were a feisty bunch, coming back from a last-place finish in the league in 2022, taking the final playoff spot this year, then winning a heart-stopping final (at least I am told), 2-1, over something called OL Reign. And that despite seeing their most famous player go down with an injury three minutes in, and their goalkeeper ejected in extra time.

According to Wiki, the Gotham have played in two professional women's leagues, not to mention three different names, four home fields, and six different kits, including one that looks like test patterns on your old TV. Good on 'em. They are plucky survivors, and worthy of our New York fandom (even if they actually play in Harrison, New Jersey.)

Close enough. We're looking for any champion we can get these days in the City of Champs Chumps. Just to follow up on El Duque's sad post and quantify it a little, here are our local heroes, and what will be the number of years—come 2024—that it has been since they brought home the bacon:

—3 years since New York City FC won the MLS Cup.

—12 years since the New York Football Giants won a Super Bowl.

—15 years since your New York Yankees won a World Series.

—21 years since the New Jersey Devils won a Stanley Cup.

—27 years since the New York Liberty won a WNBA championship (which is to say, never).

—28 years since the New York Red Bulls won an MLS Cup (which is to say, never).

—30 years since the New York Rangers won a Stanley Cup (and only 1 in 84 years).

—38 years since the New York Mets won a World Series.

—41 years since the New York Islanders won a Stanley Cup.

—47 years since the Brooklyn Nets won an NBA championship (which is to say never. Nets did win the last ABA championship, in 1976).

—51 years since the New York Knickerbockers won an NBA championship.

—55 years since the New York Jets won a Super Bowl.

Futility, thy name is New York. And it's only going to get worse.

  

Wow. New York sports is in an absolute shambles.

Okay, this is a Yank blog, and I strive to sniff the grindstone, even when the future is hopeless, like - well - now... 

But, seriously, who needs another rant about Juan Soto? Go away. Sometime soon, your laptop will ding, causing you to salivate, and you'll see that Soto is heading to NY, or Boston, or anywhere, and it won't matter. We will be left to contemplate the ever-pounding dread: That the Yankees haven't won a trade in three years - and they either pulled the trigger on a bomb, or let a generational slugger go elsewhere. Either way, we at IT IS HIGH will summon enough despair to bury the isle of Manhattan. Today, let's deal with the bigger picture:

New York City sports are irreparably jinxed and broken. 

Doesn't matter who you follow. They suck. They always will. You will die before they win anything. Your children will die. Your grandchildren. The Canyon of Heroes will fill with Sahara sands before anybody ever again rides a float through it. The super- volcano, the asteroid, the polar caps - they'll all go poof before we celebrate a championship. 

For the record, I'm also a Giants fan. Born that way. Grew up during Mantle/Maris and somehow assumed the Gints were the Yankees of the NFL. Back then, they had Vince Lombardi coaching the OL and Tom Landry running the defense. So, the next head coach? Of course, the team clipboard, Allie Sherman. The rest is history. 

The Giants are a franchise of extreme morbidity surrounding rare, one-off Super Bowls.  

Yesterday, they capped a miserable first nine games by crapping the bed against a former rival, the despicable Dallas Cowboys. In every way, and in ways I cannot describe, the Giants were humiliated. Honestly, it was almost comical.

The NFL needs a mercy rule, not for individual games, but for entire seasons. If so, the Giants could simply forfeit the last seven and go home. Remember that line out of Vietnam: Who wants to be the last person to die for a cause? Last night, watching the Giants, I wondered: Who wants to tear up a knee for this?

But they were just following protocols. Last night, the Jets lost miserably.  The Knicks are 5-4. The Rangers are 11-2, but fuck it, they're the Rangers. (Also, the Liberty lost in the WNBA finals when Breanna Stewart - the greatest player ever, and from Syracuse, by the way - shot 3-for-17. How does that happen?) 

To be a NY sports fan means to have the Tankathon site perpetually bookmarked. 

Why are NY sports so terrible? I have a theory: Gotham is simply too intense, with too many distractions - the media, the supermodels, the traffic, the stalkers, the drugs, etc. If you play in Kansas City, what else is there to do but practice? 

As of today, the Giants posses the second pick in next April's NFL draft. It's fun to speculate. But here's the reality, beaten into me over the years.

1. They will win some meaningless games and draft sixth or seventh. 

2. Whomever they pick, he will turn out to be two dwarfs, piggyback in a trenchcoat.

3. Worse teams - think New England and/or Chicago - will win conferences before the Giants do.

I think of it as the Rudy Curse of the Four Seasons. And there is no escape.

The NY Post leads the way on austerity: Yanks should double down on 2023! Maybe, this time, it'll work!

The 2023 Starr Insurance Yankees finished 19 games behind Baltimore. 

Last time we landed so far out, it was 1992: the year Bill Clinton was elected, Rodney King was beaten and Sam Kinison was buried. 

As our own Stang posted last night, the NY Post is suggesting a plan that should bring smiles to Prudent Hal Steinbrenner and Brian "Fuckin" Cashman: Don't try to spend your way back into contention. Go with what you've got. The fans want austerity. These free agents are simply too expensive for the Yankees.

The unions have gotten too big for their britches. It's time for someone - the Yankees, dammit! - to draw the line. No more big-ticket signings. No more $300 million payrolls. Let's get back to the days of boot-clicking and bootlicking. Some Japanese pitcher expects $200 million? Not on our Rolex watch, pally. Cody Bellinger? Juan Soto? Fuck dat. Give us austerity! Now! Altogether... 

                        AUSTERITY, NOW!

Sign Yamamoto, trade for Juan Soto?
FRANCHY CORDERO AND WILLIE CALHOUN!
Josh Hader, some free agent later?
FRANCHY CORDERO AND WILLIE CALHOUN!

Matt Chapman, more high-priced crap, man?
FRANCHY CORDERO AND WILLIE CALHOUN!
Shohei Ohtani, some bearded Afghani?
FRANCHY CORDERO AND WILLIE CALHOUN!

Lance Lynn, again and again?
FRANCHY CORDERO AND WILLIE CALHOUN!
Jorge Soler, another high-roller?
FRANCHY CORDERO AND WILLIE CALHOUN!

Let's not bother to spend to the moon!
FRANCHY CORDERO AND WILLIE CALHOUN!
They'll all perform the same under Boone.
Franchy Cordero and Willie Calhoun...  

Note: Added from Doug K in the comments section...

If they follow that plan find me a saloon
FRANCHY CORDERO AND WILLIE CALHOUN!
Cause I'll be up early and drinking by noon.
FRANCHY CORDERO AND WILLIE CALHOUN!
We will be 25 games back in June.
FRANCHY CORDERO AND WILLIE CALHOUN!
Not viewing YES broadcasts anytime soon.
FRANCHY CORDERO AND WILLIE CALHOUN!
They're as painful as watching Kyle MacLachlan in Dune.
FRANCHY CORDERO AND WILLIE CALHOUN!

Murdoch Post tells Hal what he wants to hear...

 

...As does noted Hal-booster Alphonso! 

Suggested Game Promotions for the 2024 Yankees

Brian Cashman Bobblehead Night: First 100 ex-Yankees in attendance will receive an authentic bobblehead reproduction of GM Brian Cashman, nodding in the direction of Hal Steinbrenner.

Bad Trade Day: Welcome back Jordan Montgomery, Sonny Gray, Joey Gallo, Harrison Bader and all your favorite ex-Yanks, as the team relives its worst recent deals. Featuring special guest Gleyber Torres? 

Brian Cashman Talking Key Ring Night: First 10,000 in attendance receive limited edition key ring, featuring some of the plucky GM's favorite sayings, such as "FUCK!" "BULLSHIT!" and "YOUR LAUNDRY IS READY, MR. S." 

Hal Steinbrenner Click-Clack Night: For disinterested owners everywhere! First 5,000 in attendance will receive a collectors' edition, Yankee engraved, 12" tall desk click-clack toy, providing countless hours of wasted diversion. Yanks lose? Who cares? Click-clack...

Brian Cashman Wash-His-Mouth-Out-With-Soap Night: Before the game, the beloved Yankee GM will rappel down from the right field upper deck, and then wash his mouth out at home plate with a bar of Irish Spring.  

Analytics Night: Yanks will be honored by the American Association of Nerds, who will bestow personal achievement awards in Exit Velo, BABIP, WAR and DWAR.  Featuring the rock band GWAR. 

I believe we're just scratching the surface, no? 

The Only Road ...

 The Yankees cannot give up what little remains of the dying, fallow farm for one player.

Soto, the Japanese pitcher, the other Japanese guy.? Each too expensive in every way.

And pursuing a single, superstar "band-aid" is simply a repeat of the failed strategy the Yankees have followed for twenty years. 

And it never changes anything. As for trades: 

- No one wants Stanton.  

- No one wants Gleyber much.  

- People might want Judge.

So we have to face the fact that the Yankees only path is the road to the number one draft pick. 

We have to play with the people we have and take the hit. 

Withdraw from the bidding for the big names.  

Just go with the old, fading guys and the kids. 

No need to change the manager because no one can do much with what we have.

Be honest with the fans and say;  "we are changing our approach."  

- No deals for anyone over the age of 23. 

- We play the cards we have.  

But we need a new GM by the time we earn the number one pick in the draft. 

"He crossed lines that have never been crossed before... A Yankee executive does not talk like that publicly, does not use expletives like that, does not have that kind of mouth when the camera’s rolling.... You cannot tell me that what Brian did yesterday is good for the Yankee brand.”

 

Michael Kay just fired upon Brian Cashman.

Punchless

In the last couple of weeks the IIHIIF...c brain trust has done an outstanding job of identifying the issues with both the team and the front office. Hoss’ three-parter should be taught in Sports School as a primer on how to destroy an iconic franchise. Today, El Duque showed us that every potential solution opens up new avenues to misery as the Yankees have painted themselves into a corner worthy of Laurel and Hardy or The Three Stooges. 

To make matters worse (long term for the sport) Aaron Judge is starting to be included in “baseball decisions” as MLB continues down the path of turning itself into the NBA.  Shot/pitch clocks? Check. Pointless season where almost everyone makes the playoffs? Check. Stupid uniform days that exist solely to sell merch? Check. Star players being consulted on what to do next? See above.

To be fair, there is one thing I do like about Aaron Judge’s new role as LeBron James… I think it’s driving Brian Cashman insane. I wrote earlier that he is Queeging or, if he isn’t, he’s one missing bag of balls away. 

He used to think he was the smartest guy in the room, mostly because he was the only guy in the room. Now he’s not.

All of the above said, there is one more crisis that the Yankee fans are facing that has not been addressed. They are punchless. No, not their offense. Well yes, that too but I’m talking about punchlines. With the exception of Stanton, all the villains are gone. There’s really no one left to go after.

Gary Sanchez? He of the joke:

Q: What’s the safest place to stand at Gary Sanchez’s birthday party?

A: Inside the pinata.

Gone.

Joey Gallo? Gone. El Chapo? Evaporated.

Even quirky players we kind of liked like Harrison Bader with his Arthur Murray dance moves in the outfield and questionable mouth guard antics… he's spitting the bit somewhere else.

Yeah, having two Oswaldos was worth a JFK reference but does anybody reading this dislike them?

DJ and Rizzo are past their prime but had solid careers. It’s not their fault that they are aging into the downside. 

Besides, that describes pretty much everyone here.

Donaldson? Done. Gleyber? Can anyone top Suzyn Waldman’s comment that she thinks that sometimes Gleyber thinks he’s invisible? I know I can’t.

Seriously, the Yankees are pretty much a likeable team. They are just bad.

I don’t want to make fun of journeymen or AAAA guys playing above their level, getting in their cup of coffee as they have fleeting moments of competence as they earn health care for life. 

Or pitchers who, after being traded for, get injured so quickly that we can barely remember their names, much less develop the deep seeded animosity and disappointment that serves as the fertile ground for humor.

Knock. Knock

Who’s there?

Lou Trivino

Lou Trivino who?

Exactly.

The team is down to two players worthy of ridicule, Stanton and Rodon. Stanton seems like a good enough guy. It’s not his fault that he has become absurdly slow on the base paths.

How slow is he?

Giancarlo Stanton is so slow that … I’m not going to dignify it with a joke. Because it’s sad.

And then there’s Rodon.  

Look, when we got him, he was the second best pitcher available. I’m pretty sure most of us were on board even if we did give up A LOT of pitching depth. So far, he’s been a huge bust.

How huge a bust is he? Yeah, go ahead, do the easy one. We all know who she is.

But the truth is he is another one who was hurt, and I can’t get fired up until June of next year because he still might end up being good. Bad haircut though.

Oh well, I guess we’ll always have Boone and Cashman. That’s not a joke. We will always have Boone and Cashman.

If you were Brian "Effing" Cashman, you'd be cursing, too. Should the Yankees consider "a rebuilding year?"

These days, one look at the famous Starr Insurance Yankees conjures the Ultimate Question:

What. The. Fuck.

How did we reach such a dark and dismal precipice? 

An aging roster. An anemic farm system. An exploding payroll. Free agents with unearthly price tags. A division on fire with talent. A franchise clogged with contracts and tied down by its own hubris. 

Listen: We're facing a Fall-of-Rome level debacle here. No single trade or acquisition can solve this dilemma, which has been built with bad decisions over the last three years. 

The Yankees don't need a LF. They need a time machine.

Seriously, what big moves can they make this winter? Here are five potential strategies, each looming with an incredible downside. 

1. Trade for Juan Soto. This means outbidding other teams with prospects, which, frankly, the Yankees just don't have. No question, Soto could be great. But he's a one-year rental with an impending price tag of $300-$400 million - just the kind of contract that paralyzes Mr. Frugality, Hal Steinbrenner. 

2. Sign the Japanese pitcher, Yashinobu Yamamoto. Again, this requires outbidding the planet - in this case, the Dodgers, Mets, Giants and maybe Phillies, who have captured Philly. If Hal lays out the money here, he likely sits out the rest of the auctions. 

3. Do something, anything, with Giancarlo Stanton. That requires tens of millions in movie money. It also means finding a team that wants him, in a city where he's willing to play. Forget about getting much in return. He'd be a write-off.  

4. Sign free agent Cody Bellinger. Of all outcomes, this seems most likely. But again, he could be Hal's only big money free agent, and will he matter? One other thing: The Yanks must wonder if last season with the Cubs was an anomaly. What if he's another Joey Gallo? 

5. Trade Gleyber Torres for whatever. Why Gleyber? Well, he's the one seemingly expendable player that somebody might want. He'll be a free agent next November, and his time is running out in NYC. By himself, he might bring a bullpen lug nut. In a package, who knows? But where does 2024 start coming into focus? 

Of course, there are other earthquakes - Shohei Otani - which our minds cannot fully imagine. But the mad genius of these Yankees is how they've painted themselves into a corner so outrageously that - dear God - the best solution might be to cover their ears, ignore the screams and do nothing. It's amazing, the straightjacket they have sewn for themselves over the last three seasons.

But here's the most frightening reality of all: 

This year, they finished 19 games behind Baltimore, and the O's are improving. 

Dare we suggest "rebuilding year?"

Breaking News! Official Unofficial IIHIIFII...c Audit Results—Expectations

 

Following up on the “Findings” and “Recommendations” sections of their completely unauthorized, unwanted, and unprofessional audit of the New York Yankees, the IIHIIFII…c consulting team released their “Expectations” of how the Yankees will respond to their analysis, and what that will mean for their future.

Asked for a comment, a spokesman for the Yankees told the media that the team’s front office was unavailable for comment, as it was out of town at the winter meetings, but added that if it were at home, it would tell the IIHIIFII…c team, to get bent.

The good news for Yankees fans in the report is that, in light of the Mets’ hiring David Stearns as general manager, any SeisMetsic Shift in fan allegiance will likely be delayed for a few more years.

Otherwise, the conclusions are grim. 

Expectations

Realistically, we do not expect the New York Yankees to take any of our recommendations, with one, possible exception: the Yankees will likely find themselves so depleted in the outfield by next spring, that they may be forced to consider finally giving Estevan Florial a genuine chance to play centerfield. Though more likely, they will simply continue to play pick-up outfielders from the margins of organized baseball.

We also expect that:

—The Yankees will continue to rapidly age their way out of any chance of serious contention, and plunge to the worst, sustained depths of their long and storied franchise.

—The Yankees will refuse to give up on starting players such as Giancarlo Stanton and D.J. LeMahieu, and attempt to “restart” and “get them going again.” But at, respectively, 34 and 35 years of age, neither player is likely to recover much of their old abilities or to avoid extended stays on the disabled list.

—The Yankees will also give first baseman Anthony Rizzo every opportunity to regain his old form. Rizzo’s decline has been less steep than that of Stanton’s or LeMahieu’s in recent years, but as he is also 34, it is unlikely that he can avoid injury or make a dramatic comeback.

—Normally, we would expect young players in the walk year of a contract, such as Gleyber Torres, to put up stellar numbers. But considering his general obliviousness, Torres may well fall short of such expectations.

—The Yankees will likely try to fill their gaping hole at third base with one or both of their young infielders, Oswald Peraza and Oswaldo Cabrera. But judging from their experiences last year, and the Yankees’ difficulties in cultivating young players, we expect both players to continue their swift decline.

—We do not expect the Yankees to take our recommendations to acquire outfielders Juan Soto or Cody Bellinger.

—We do not expect the Yankees to try to acquire Shohei Ohtani, or any of the other, leading outfield and DH prospects.

—We expect that the Yankees, counting on the return of Jasson “The Martian” Dominguez at some point in the future, will sign only marginal, transitional outfielders, such as Kevin Kiermaier or, at most, Lourdes Gurriel, Jr.. 

—Based on the experiences of Miguel Andujar, Dustin Fowler, and Clint Frazier in recent years, among many others, we do not expect The Martian to ever become a starting outfielder in the major leagues, after the devastating injury he sustained last season.

—We do not expect the Yankees to sign any new pitchers of note.

—Based on the experiences of Miguel Andujar, Dustin Fowler, and Clint Frazier in recent years, among many others, we do not expect The Martian to ever become a starting outfielder in the major leagues, after the devastating injury he sustained last season.

—We do not expect the Yankees to sign any new pitchers of note.

—We expect the Yankees’ starting rotation in 2024 to consist of Gerrit Cole, Carlos Rodon, Michael King, Nestor Cortes, Jhony Brito, and Clarke Schmidt. We expect this rotation to once again be riddled with injuries, and largely ineffectual.

—We expect that moving Michael King to the starting rotation will leave another major hole in the Yankees’ bullpen, and that none of the mounting relief problems will be addressed this season. 

—We do not expect the Yankees to make any major expenditures, for any reason.

—We do not expect the Yankees to fire more than a few, token personnel throughout their organization.

—We do not expect the Yankees to make more than a few, token hires of personnel in the front office, or for the coaching and training staffs.

—We do not expect either manager Aaron Boone or general manager Brian Cashman to be dismissed, or even criticized in any way.

—We do not expect the Yankees to take any measures to enhance the fan experience at Yankee Stadium.

—We do not expect any changes in making Yankees’ broadcasts easier to find.

—We do expect the Yankees to raise prices across the board, as they have already raised them for tickets.

—We do expect the Yankees to sell more and more advertising on the team’s once revered pinstripes, as well as on the playing field, and possibly on team caps.

—We do expect the Yankees to participate in the farcical, “City Connect” gear grub.

—We do expect the Yankees to continue to cooperate fully with the rest of the MLB cartel, no matter how counterproductive its requirements are to the health of the sport in general or the Yankees in particular.

—We do expect the overall popularity of baseball to continue to decline, in light of how it is presently played and promoted.

—We do not expect the Steinbrenner family to ever sell the team and, considering the family’s long history of running even inherited, heavily subsidized businesses into bankruptcy, we do expect the Yankees to run up unprecedented losses on the playing field and at the box office for at least the next decade.

—We do expect, in the light of these losses, that the Yankees will soon hire a large, furry mascot.

Trump gets nasty with Nestor, and Cashman gets nasty with fans

In case you missed it, Donald Trump last night welcomed Nestor Cortes to his Florida rally, and I gotta think it helps Agent Orange more than Nasty Nestor.

In this polarized political spectrum, I'm not sure its wise for any player to throw in with MAGA or Uncle Joe. Nestor will be a beloved Yank, as long as he can pitch into the 6th. But as he returns from a lost season, I'm not sure he needs the extra stress of wearing a red hat in a blue-hat fan base - midnight blue, that is.

For posterity, here's the clip.

Johnny Damon and Paul O'Neill both supported Trump, and so be it. My problem with Trump recruiting Yankees: He didn't poach Randy Levine, who was rumored to be a possible White House Chief of Staff for about 15 minutes, back when Rudy G was going to be U.S. Attorney General. 

Which brings us to Brian Cashman's meltdown Tuesday, which has already spawned a global avalanche of copy. For nearly an hour, the GM-for-Life pissed and moaned about Yank fans, his job, and the fact that nobody appreciates him. 

He sounded like a man who is tired of running the Yankees. 

I believe Cashman's outburst will haunt him for the rest of his career - even if he turns the Yankees around. When he eventually retires, they'll play the footage of him tossing F-bombs - this, while representing in an organization that bans facial hair.

Thus far, Cashman has been mostly known for good deeds - rappelling down a building in New Haven to launch Christmas, or sleeping on the streets to shine a light on the homeless. Now, he'll also be remembered for cursing out his critics. Bad juju.

But but BUT... Cash got one point right: Winning aint so easy anymore. The Yankees face a crosstown rival who will outspend them on any player, plus billionaire owners in smaller markets who view teams as extensions of their manhood. Ten years ago, the Yankees could win every auction. That window has closed.

I gotta think a double-secret probation clock is ticking on Cashman's time with the Yankees. This week's outburst didn't help.

Breaking News! Official IIHIIFII...c Audit Results, Part II—Recommendations

 

With rhetorical chaos swirling around the New York Yankees today, the Less-than-official Auditors of the team, IIHIIFII…c Business Consultants, released the second round of their completely unauthorized audit today. 

This second part is “Recommendations,” and reflects what the auditors—none of whom have held an actual baseball job in their lives, which puts them on the same level as the Yankees’ official auditors—would do if they ever got their grubby mitts on real power.

Recommendations:

In order to stave off imminent collapse and the onset of a SeisMetsic Shift Event in New York’s fan base, the New York Yankees will have to take immediate action, as well as embarking on the deep-rooted, long-term changes necessary to reverse the slide of this once-fabled sports franchise and exemplar of sustained excellence.

These changes will have to be thorough, dramatic, unyielding, and—at least in the short-term—expensive. In the long term, if properly executed, it is our informed opinion that they will prove to be beneficial and extremely profitable. Or at least, good for a laugh.

—We recommend that, in order to compete in 2024, the Yankees sign ace Japanese free agent, Yoshinobu Yamamoto.

—We recommend that the Yankees sign that diminutive Japanese relief pitcher somebody mentioned, whatshisname.

—We recommend that the Yankees re-sign old friend Jordan Montgomery.

—We recommend that the Yankees sign closer Josh Hader.

—We recommend that the Yankees sign outfielder (and Ninja warrior) Cody Bellinger.

—We recommend that the Yankees make a major effort to trade for outfielder Juan Soto, if he is on the market. 

—We recommend that the Yankees attempt to trade DH and millstone, Giancarlo Stanton, even though that will mean having to pay much of his immense salary. If he refuses a trade, we recommend that the Yankees play him in the field for every inning and every pitch of spring training, until he collapses.

—We recommend that the Yankees trade pitcher Carlos Rodon, even if that means having to pay much of the bloated pitcher’s bloated salary.

—We recommend that the Yankees trade their only real trade commodity of any value, second baseman Gleyber “What, Me Worry?” Torres.

—We recommend that, if they have not been able to obtain a better candidate for centerfield than Estevan Florial, that the Yankees give Florial a genuine shot to win the position in spring training.

—We recommend that the Yankees give catcher Austin Wells every chance to win the position in spring training—and that they give minor-league catcher Ben Rice every chance to win the back-up catching spot.

—We recommend that the Yankees trade professional weightlifter Ben Rortvedt immediately, before he hurts himself again.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire manager Aaron Boone, and replace him with Buck Showalter. If Showalter declines the position, we recommend that the Yankees replace Boone with Hensley Meulens.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire general manager Brian Cashman, and replace him with Kim Ng.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire their entire analytics department, be it large or small, and replace it with individuals who actually understand and know how to utilize analytics.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire their scouting and talent assessment personnel, and replace them with individuals who can actually recognize and sign young talent everywhere.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire their “pro-scouting department” personnel, and replace them with the individuals who obviously do a much better job of preparing the Yankees’ opponents. 

—We recommend that the Yankees fire their minor-league development personnel, and replace them with individuals who have proven able to actually develop minor leaguers into productive major-league starters.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire their instructional and training personnel, and replace them with individuals who will not actively injure or retard the development of young players.

—We recommend that the Yankees find these new personnel by assessing the front offices of the many teams that regularly outperform them in producing talented, healthy, athletic young ballplayers.

—We recommend that the Yankees refuse to accept any more advertising for the team’s uniforms, and buy out the current advertiser. We further recommend that the team refuse to take part in MLB’s blatant “City Connect” gear grab, and commit to keeping, untouched, the traditional Yankee uniforms of home pinstripes, and road grays.

—We recommend that the Yankees slash concession prices across the board at Yankee Stadium.

—We recommend that the Yankees slash ticket prices at the publicly subsidized Yankee Stadium.

—We recommend that Mr. Steinbrenner tear down the lower deck wall, and allow all fans free access to their entire ballpark.

—We recommend that the Yankees abolish luxury boxes and, until those boxes can be physically replaced, implement a lottery for fans to enter so they can win a box for a night.

—We recommend that the Yankees embark on an ambitious, multi-year improvement plan—at their own expense—to greatly expand, enhance, and place closer to the ballfield, seats of the botched Yankee Stadium III. Above all, we recommend removal of the monstrous, “black-box” restaurant in centerfield.

—We recommend that the Yankees embark on an ambitious, multi-year improvement plan—at their own expense—to greatly expand, enhance, and place closer to the ballfield, seats of the botched Yankee Stadium III. Above all, we recommend removal of the monstrous, “black-box” restaurant in centerfield.

—We recommend that the Yankees place all of their games on the YES Network, and fill much more of the network’s air time between games with broadcasts of great Yankee games, histories of the team, and biographies of great Yankee players and personnel. 

We also recommend that the team broadcast a much wider variety of great Yankee games, commission a much better, comprehensive history of the franchise, and provide much better player bios.

—We recommend that the Yankees stop trying to hold up New York City for more subsidies, and instead make meaningful contributions to the Borough of the Bronx.

—We recognize that almost none of these recommendations are likely to be accepted or acted upon by Hal Steinbrenner or the current Yankees front office. In light of this intransigence, we recommend that the Steinbrenner family sell the team immediately—provided that any such sale is not made to James Dolan.

We recommend that, optimally, the Steinbrenners sell the team to an investment group headed by Derek Jeter, who will take over full control of baseball operations. Failing that, the Yankees should be sold to the City of New York, and made into a publicly owned corporation along the lines of the Green Bay Packers in football.

Extreme as these measures may seem, they will, in the long run, guarantee much more popularity and much higher profits for the team, a much better working relationship between the club, the city, and the fans—and a lot more fun for everybody. 

Sinking Ship

From yesterday's press conference...

On rumors:

“First and foremost, is that true? Or is that somebody that’s just gotten in a bad moment, in a weak moment, with a phone call? … I know how this stuff works. Because I’ve been a part of situations — before we started flying high — where everybody starts turning on each other, and they eat each other like (their) young."

"Now it becomes a runaway train. It’s like, Whac-A-Mole, Whac-A-Mole, Whac-A-Mole: You can’t douse every single one."

- Brian Cashman

"Ahh, but the strawberries that's... that's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and with... geometric logic... that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox DID exist, and I'd have produced that key if they hadn't of pulled the Caine out of action. I, I, I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officers...

- Captain Queeg

The Bronx F-Bombers: Cashman cries "$%#@%"

Okay, shoot me. 

Go ahead, put me down. Make it fast. Because just when you thought it could not get worse... well... go ahead, fire away. 

Yesterday, the assembled brain trust of the Yankees - basically Hal Steinbrenner and Brian Cashman (the Yankee version of Doctor Dirty) - group-Zoomed with a Greek chorus of Gammonites to explain away 2023 and give hope for the future!

Basically, this is what they said:

1. The fans don't know shit. 

2. Why do you even fucking talk to them?

3. The critics are just assholes. 

4. We'd have made the playoffs if not for goddamm injuries.

5. We won more than we lost. Can't you shitheads be happy?

6. The Yankees are NOT too analytics-driven. Fuck that! And to prove it, we've hired an analytics firm to analyze the analytics. 

7. Did we mention that fans don't know nothing?

8. Running the Yankees is not easy. There's a lot of things to do.

9. Anyone can criticize. It takes guts to say something positive.

10. We haven't practiced the bunt enough.

Yep. Number 10 is my personal fave. That's what Hal offered up when the writers pressed him for examples of changes that must me made. He blamed the farm system for not practicing bunts, and he attributed it to Aaron Boone, rather than issue such a harsh verdict from his mountaintop.  

And, yeah, we saw banjo hitters swinging with Ruthian launch angles, driving balls to the warning track, while third basemen were practically in left field. The joke on the '23 Yankees was that, if they scored 10 runs, you wondered who hit the 10 solo shots? Anthony Volpe batted .209, but he hit 21 HRs. Was it worth it?

So, more bunts in '24. John Sterling will like that. The Bronx Bunters...

Now and then, you stare straight into the jaws of Hell, and see what's in store for all of us. That happened yesterday. We're one year into a long drought.

Shoot me.