Pop the corks: Number crunchers project Yankees to win 82 games - that's 1 over .500!

Baseball Prospectus just announced its 2014 PECOTA projections.  (Thanks, Nonny.)

Here are the projected win totals for the AL East:

Tampa Bay Rays   89
Boston Red Sox     88
Yankees                 82
Toronto Blue Jays  80
Baltimore Orioles  77

Yes, this is nothing but some mathematical smoke and mirrors. And the 2014 Yankee team will probably hinge on what Cashman receives in exchange for Brett Gardner, Austin Romine and/or Zolio Almonte, who represent extra spare tires numbers 5 through 7.

But if you consider that the Yankees spent $500 million this off-season - Ellsbury, McCann, Beltran and Tanaka - (while, of course, letting Robbie go) - it's astounding to see such an out-of-the-running projection. This is a franchise that needs to be rebooted. And what's especially sad is that the owners spent all of 2013 moving toward such a reboot - the $189 million payroll - then pitched it out the window, presumably after they looked at another set of statistical projections: The ones that showed future YES Network ratings.

The Yankees look like the U.S. government, trying to roll out a health care plan. They have so many different moving parts, so many dead contracts, so many old problems, you wonder if this ship can ever get turned around on the field. I don't know about these projections. But if, come September, the Yankees are hovering at .500, here's a projection: Cashman will say Armageddon outahere.

We're into Week 2, and the Yankiverse is already feeling Jeter Farewell Fatigue

Yesterday, Derek Jeter rendered unto the world his first final news conference. The questions were deferential - as they should be - and Jeter handled them with absolute grace and integrity, and he always has. You could almost hear Redsock fans gagging in the chowder, as the prospect of Jeter's year-long farewell tour grows like a tumor in their Pedroia-sized skulls. 

But I dunno if I can take it either.

Listen: This is not about Jeter. He seems to have the right perspective about his place in baseball and maybe the universe. But it's quite clear that the nation's sporting media never will. If every time Jeter speaks about life after baseball, the assembled Gammonites must weep into their keyboards, as they did yesterday, none of us will escape 2014 without a tick of Tourette's.

Again, the problem is not with Jeter. The problem is with the story, which is to say there is none. There is no plot, no character arc, no development. You simply have a player who has given his life to the Yankees, made a boatload of money, screwed a small city's population of supermodels, and still avoided scandals in the most scandalizing place in the world, who is trying to retire in the most graceful way possible, but it won't be easy, because we're going to re-live this non-story 1,000 times between now and October, and we just finished a similar one with Mariano, and dammit, I dunno if I can take it.

There are short stories, and there are novels, and there are screenplays and there are verses sung around campfires by the ghost of Harry Chapin - there are many ways to tell a tale - but every one requires a plot and a character, and the Jeter story - folks -  has neither. It's not his fault. He has kept his dignity for 20 years, and he is desperately trying to hold it for one more. We are sad to see him go, and we won't see another one like him in our lifetimes. We hope he finds the happiness in retirement that he gave us as a player. But, friends, that's all there is to say about Derek Jeter, and we're going to have to hear it repeated endlessly, while tears the size of paint balls are raining down from the press box.

It's going to be a long, brutal year. Odds are, the next time you hear that Derek Jeter is hitting .320 and fielding his SS position for the Yankees, you will have Alzheimer's.

I dunno if I can take this.

Last year, Mariano. This year, Jeter. Next year, what great Yankee will announce his impending retirement?

The possibilities are limitless.

A-Rod?

Ichiro?

C.C.?

Brian Roberts?

Michael Pineda?

Eduardo Nunez?

Or something unimaginable?

USA still in the hunt for the Olympics single game Wild Card playoff

Right now, we'd have to beat Germany in Germany.

And who would be our starting pitcher?

Note to Dan Brown: Here's your next book, "The DiMaggio Code," featuring the Yankee Robinson coin

 

Actually, it's the upcoming 10th anniversary of The DiMaggio Code.  But this coin opens new dimensions of mystery.

Who is, "The Great Comedian?"  

What is the "big show?" 

What is left of "the triad?"

Do the Yankees have a "cash man?" 

What ever happened to the Yankee Robinson? Any answers out there?  (Thanks, John)

John Sterling has it right: You just can't predict the Yankee front office

According to Joel the Postman, early this winter, the Yankee brain trust made an offer to ex-Boston SS Stephen Drew, to whom they are no longer returning calls.

If true, it makes perfect sense. In fact, it belongs in Webster's definition of Yankee 2014 front office strategy: To build an infield, you need at least two outfields.

Imagine this: Before they knew whether A-Rod and Robbie Cano would return, they courted Drew. But now, with neither player coming back, they're turning over the infield to Dopey Dildox and Filthy McNasty, and are no longer interested in Drew.

It's perfect, so clean, so... Steinbrennerian.

This winter, the Yankees have shelled out $500 million in contracts to design a toilet with three seats and no drain. They have a six-man OF and a two-man infield - that is, if a surgically repaired wrist and a 40-year-old ankle can hold up. If anybody in baseball thinks the Yankees can last 2014 without needing infield back-ups, they must be smoking the same animal laxatives that Seattle was, when it gave Joggie Cano a 10 year license to lollygag.

Again, let's get this straight: The Yankees, when they might not need Drew, made him an offer? Now, with dice rolls at every position, they'd rather comb the future scrap heap, because Alberto Gonzalez might be out there in a month? Yeesh.

OK, something's off, here. There has to be something we're missing  Maybe they were working a strategy, making Drew an offer so they could taunt him, you know, like Fred Armisen, "Hey, jes keeeeeeeding." Or were they furious that he didn't take their first offer, back when a season with the Yankees looked like a ticket to the bench, because A-Rod and Cano were in the mix?

Oh, well. Never mind. Who cares? The Yankees are a corporate id. When they get hungry, they eat whatever crosses their path. The p.r. apparatus can clean up the mess later. (We're actually reading stories predicting a big year for Michael Pineda.) Hey, Mr. Hal, how about another DH? You know what they say about baseball: Ninety percent of it is outfielding.

Who should Bill Nye debate next?

1. George Zimmerman
2. Ted Nugent
3. Noam Chomsky
4. Wishbone
5. Charlie Sheen's porn star wife
6. Bob Costas (when healthy)
7. A-Rod
8. Adam, the boyfriend on Girls
9. The Kardashian family (together)
10. State of Oklahoma

Robbie Cano begins life as Mariner running intense wind sprints

Mariners defend Robbie loafing

Seattle Mariners manager Lloyd McClendon today proved again why his name is synonymous with championship baseball, when he blew out some smoke and fire, defending his star 2B Robbie Cano against charges that he may have trotted to first once or twice while a Yankee.

In an explosive war of words, McClendon stridenly defended Cano and went nuclear on Yankee hitting coach Kevin Long, saying - (Wait: if you're under 18, you probably shouldn't read this) - "I didn't know that Kevin Long was the spokesman for the New York Yankees!"

Woah. Kitty touch fire, Kitty get burned! So much for that dispute. I doubt we'll hear from K-Long again. Nor will anybody raise any issue about anybody loafing out grounders in Seattle. Nobody's gonna step into that bear trap. It's a good way to get your foot chopped off.
 To settle this once and for all, let's hope McClendon asks Mr. Cano - very, very nicely - to lead the team in jogging drills. Or maybe one jogging drill. They can jog - or walk to first - then walk back, if they want. The return jog would be optional. Nobody would be expected to do it twice. Gotta save the legs. Like Robbie.

Scientific pie chart showing current concerns in Yankee spring camp

If orange is the new black, does that make Dean Anna the new Cody Ransom?

One of the most creative aspects of the annual Academy Awards debacle is the use of well-dressed nobodies to occupy the seats of presenters and winners, so the house always looks full to the cud-chewing TV audience.

This practice is also employed each spring by Yankee GM Brian Cashman, when welcoming his employees to Tampa. Now and then, Cash hires homeless people to hold various positions until an actual starter can be found. As an added bonus, the NYC media plays along, pretending the extras are critical cogs in the upcoming season.

The greatest examples of this were centerfielder Bubba Crosby (2005) and third-baseman Cody Ransom (2008), who came to Tampa with great hopes that Cashman had finally made that career discovery - the scrap heap signing of a great star, for next to nothing.

Now and then, such things do happen - but not to us. In 2012, the Baltimore Orioles picked up Chris Davis from Texas. The previous season, he hit 5 HRs. Last year, he chased Roger Maris. Every child in Toronto knows the story of Jose Batista, who rose from nothing to be the game's best slugger. And then there is the tale of David Ortiz, who was released - yes, released - by Minnesota in 2002. The Redsocks picked him off the scrap heap. (Supposedly, old George himself told the Yankee brass to sign him... but they didn't.)

In his career as Yank pooh bah, Cashman has never found a Davis, a Batista or an Ortiz - but not for lack of effort. He signed the likes of Travis Hafner, Vernon Wells, Andruw Jones and Juan Miranda. Cashman occasionally has found bullpen arms and spare part fielders, such as Jayson Nix. But usually, the Yankees sign players on the way down, at least three years from all-star status. Cash is still looking for that one player - the something for nothing - on whom he could hang his management career.

Which brings us - long-windedly - to Dean Anna.

Over the winter, Cashman traded a decent bullpen prospect to San Diego for Anna, a veteran minor league infielder who seemed to have a breakout season in the Pacific Coast League. Jeez, the guy led the league in hitting! Supposedly, Dean can play 2B or 3B, and he's slated to challenge Brian Roberts, (who seems to have the inside track.) If Anna can be a major league 2B - maybe hit .270 and field - it would be huge for the Yankees. What they haven't had in recent years is that player who comes to Gotham and blossoms - the David Wells type. We are overdue.

Alas, Dean the Dream may be just that - a dream. But right now, the Yankees' infielders aren't the only ones temporarily keeping seats warm. The Yankees need a player who arrives from nowhere. And Cashman needs one, too. Because if this team tanks - and everybody knows that's a real possibility - it's his seat that could be empty next spring. 

Ahh, spring training, where there is always news

Scientific pie chart showing topics of conversation in Syracuse, NY

He's all yours, Seattle! And a note from Yankee fans everywhere: Good luck in figuring out what makes Robbie run.

In today's Daily News, John Harper piles 400 words atop a question that has dogged Yankeekind for a decade: Why did an otherwise great player thumb his nose at tradition, teammates and the fan base by jogging out routine grounders? Yes, now that he's playing for Microsoft, the NYC media is finally wondering about Robbie Cano's hard drive.

To be sure, folks mentioned it in the past. But an iron rule of communications states that once the pig-smelting factory leaves town, it's time to write about those bloody heads that turn up in the catch-basins, and once a player leaves for greener pastures, it's fair game to mention that he never once flushed the clubhouse toilet. In this case, Cano - who everyone agrees made a crafty move in signing that ridiculous 10-year contract with Seattle - refused to hustle on grounders because he was "saving his legs," whatever that means. 

To me, this was why the Yankees are better off without him, even though his absence this season will produce the train wreck known as Cashmanageddon.

The Yankees had joggers in the past. Rickie Henderson dogged it to first. Mel Hall dogged it. In fact, when I ponder the prima donnas who strolled down the baseline with regularity, I generally harken back to the 14-year barf, the dark period of Yankee history, when players were defined by personal numbers rather than championships. I don't know what happened to the Yankees between 2000 and 2006, but I cannot believe the 1996 team would have let a rookie jog to first. Somebody - Paul O'Neil, Bernie Williams, Scott Brosius, Tino Martinez, et al - would have gotten into the kid's face and traumatized him so deeply that it never happened again. But when Cano arrived, nobody did it.

For the last five years, nobody took Cano to task. Today, Kevin Long mentions trying, but who's kidding here: In a public pissing match with Cano, Long wouldn't have lasted 10 minutes. Cano simply didn't intend to run hard. It probably only cost him one or two plays a season, but we'll never know, will we? If he ran hard, would it have forced a bad throw? Could it have caused the infielder to hurry his play? The fact is, the fielder sees him jogging and knows he can take his time.

Let's see what he does in Seattle. If Robbie jogs, he's basically saying that he'll never hustle, no matter what, that jogging is his signature move. Good luck, Mariners, in teaching your rookies to go all out. Something tells me Seattle is in for a 10-year barf.

And if Robbie now runs hard, well, we finally have an answer. The Yankees simply were not paying him enough to make hustling worth his effort. For $100 million, he said no. For $200 million, he runs. He's all yours, Seattle. Your 10th man should love this guy.

Tanaka Fails To Pass Conditioning Test

Okay, this is not an actual photo of our latest $165 million dollar man.

It is, however, representative of his views toward conditioning.  Apparently, yesterday, he was required to run some laps at Tampa stadium with the other pitchers and catchers who have thus far reported.

He looked like a first time marathoner hitting the wall early.  Until counseled by his countryman, 39 year old Kuroda, Tanaka thought you simply showed up in America and pitched.

Is this another case of muffed " due diligence" on the part of the Yankee brain trust?

How can this guy be a quality pitcher if his legs are like rubber by the top of the third?

Have they caught it in time?

This was a frightening and shocking report out of Tampa.

You go to war with the infield you have...

Having spent the last three months in a defensive, reactionary mode, the Yankees apparently have made a decision about future policy: Let's assume a defensive, reactionary mode.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the team with two outfields and no infield.

How, you might ask, how does a franchise do such a thing?

Well, it's complicated. And it requires a complete off-season of reactions to dominoes dropping elsewhere.

First, in October, they had to deal with the utter shame and felony-level debasement of watching Boston steamroll its way through the World Series. Remember how we were forced to root for teams like St. Louis and Tampa? Ugh. So we sat there, covered our heads and waited for the bomb barrage to end.

Then they had to come to terms with the reality of Robbie Cano demanding - and receiving - the moon. All year, they figured he wouldn't really leave. He was just joking. At a certain point, Brian Cashman must have realized he was gone, it wasn't a ruse, so they started making calls to Jacoby Ellsbury's agent.

Then they had to wait for the decision by A-Rod's hearing officer. As they waited, several third base options fell off the board.

Finally, it was the Tanaka sweepstakes, as he chose his future home.

If you look at the last three months, the only move that seems to have originated directly by the Yankees is the signing of Brian McCann: They wanted him, and they got him. Everything else was a reaction to something happening somewhere else.

So the next bomb will come in the inevitable form of a broken bone or tweaked elbow. When somebody falls, Cashman will charge up the metal detectors and head to the scrap heap. It will probably be infused with many new exciting names of former Astros and Indians, who could beat out the Vernon Wells and Brennan Bosches.

Listen: I understand that there has been an unnatural confluence of outside events affecting the Yankees this winter. I don't recall so many things affecting the team. But at a certain point, fans have the right to wonder how the franchise got into this mess, and whether the managers who directed the army into this ambush are capable of getting us out.

Shocker: Yanks apparently have chosen not to retire number 24

In a perfect world, the last game of the 2014 Yankee season is against Seattle. The Mariners are in fifth, eliminated from the race on August 1. Robbie Cano is batting .245 with 6 home runs - the result of an unexplained condition, described by team doctors as "extreme tenderness around the nipples."

OK, it's the ninth inning, tie game, and Robbie comes up with the bases loaded, and the Yankee crowd barely notices, because they've been chanting "Der-ek Jee-ter for the last hour. Robbie hits it to the secondbaseman - I can't tell you his name, because it's a perfect world, and the team has a steady stream of great players, up from the farm system - and he converts it into a 4-5-6-3 triple play, with Jeter making a miraculous "flip" to first, to beat Robbie, who jogged, wincing from the pain in his tortured man-boobs.

While Robbie walks back to the dugout, he eyes Jay-Z and Beyonce in the first row, and they look away, ashamed of themselves, disillusioned; she has gained 39 pounds and looks hideous, and he's lost all his hair - no, both have lost all their hair - (remember: perfect world) - and they're wearing Yankee swag and chanting "Der-ek Jee-ter." Robbie goes into the clubhouse to ice his tits and, in a moment of self-debasement, shaves his beard, which by now extends to his waist, drops the razor and chops off a nip. Ow, that's gotta hurt.

Then Jeter comes up, hits a grand slam, the Yankees win, confetti cannons fire all over the stadium, wars end around the world, global warming stops, and the hand of God reaches down from the clouds and says, "You all are my children, and I have neglected you for a millenium, because I was cleaning up a mess on Alpha Centari. (Take my advice and don't cross pollinate with prickery bushes.)" And God bestows upon humanity a great gift: A new kind of cigarette with twice the flavor and that, the more you smoke, the healthier you get, and it comes with coupons that be traded in for backyard furniture. Then God says, "But one of you shalt not joineth in this feast of smoking pleasure, for he hath displeased me."

And then the giant hand reaches into the dugout, grabs Robbie Cano in the way King Kong grabbed Fay Wray, and... bam, Robbie sprouts thorns, and it's off to Alpha Centari, but it'll never happen, because it's not a perfect world. I can tell you that.

Scott Sizemore is the new 24. It's not perfect. It's not even half-full. But a guy can still run hard. And the world is better than it was last year.

Arguably the Biggest Announcement of the Week

Ending a week jam-packed with revelations, Newsday eclipses them all:

And now... the two All-Time Coolest Yankees ever created by God or Bill Nye, the Science Guy

I recognize that this is subjective. I know that every Yankee fan has personal faves. One fan's Wally Pipp is another's Lenn Sakata. I see your pain. Don't cry for me, Constantino. But... y'know what...

It would uncool if I didn't just say, fukkit. Here they are, comrades, Number 2 and Number 1.

2.Derek Jeter

Where to start? As kid, idolized Dave Winfield; was nation's best high school player; hit legendary Jeffrey Maier-snatched "Angel in the Outfield" HR; named Subway Series MVP; made "The Flip," (voted 7th greatest play of all time); made "The Dive," (voted best play of 2004); made "The Speech" closing Yankee Stadium, (voted best moment of 2008); named "Mr. November" for HR against Arizona; named Yankee captain in 2003; subject of HBO documentary, Jeter 3K; dated Mariah Carey; Jessica Beil, Jessica Alba, Minka Kelly, Jordana Brewster, Hannah Davis, Scarlett Johansson - and those are just the ones we know about; has publishing imprint with Simon & Schuster; has own cologne, Driven; hawked for Nike, Gatorade, Fleet Bank, Ford, Visa, Discover, Gillette and XM; hosted Saturday Night Live, appeared on Seinfeld, in Anger Management, The Other Guys, digitally in several videogames, including Derek Jeter Pro Baseball 2008; has wax figure in Madam Tussauds wax museum; part of Bronx Bombers Broadway play; MLB's most recognizable player; unblemished reputation; ladies get gift baskets; asks for cell phones when entertaining guests; soon to be TV personality; if he doesn't blow it this year... he'll be No. 1.

And finally...

The Coolest Yankee of All-Time...
The Chairman of the Board...

1. Whitey Ford 

1 Born in Astoria, a few miles from Yankee Stadium; called "Whitey" due to hair; called "Slick" due to calmness under fire; called "The Chairman of the Board" due to command; called "Whiskey Sticks" by Casey Stengel for reasons unknown; pitched two consecutive one-hit games; won first nine games in majors; undisputed ace of '61 Yanks, greatest team ever; leads all Yank pitchers in wins (236); had no fastball, survived on guile and control; threw 243 innings without yielding one stolen base; started Game One in 8 World Series; served two years in Korean War; doctored ball to fan Willie Mays in 1961 All Star game, winning bet, so he Mickey's bar tab disappeared; an animated character on The Simpsons, cameo on Remington Steele; name used by rapper Everlast in album Whitey Ford Sings the Blues;  famous for keeping cool head in bombastic nights of drinking by Mickey, Billy Martin and others; never tainted by scandal; always had something up sleeve... the coolest Yankee of all.

Open letter to the Yankees: It is time to sign Stephen Drew

Dear Madam or Sirs,

I figured you've dragged your heels on Stephen Drew, not wanting to surrender a top draft pick to Boston, because the player could haunt us for the next 15 years as a testimonial to Yankee front office ineptitude. Better Drew signs with somebody else, you decided. That way, the franchise can't look worse than it already does.

Well, a couple things...

1. That ship sailed. The Yankee front office will be remembered for throwing money at the team's vast problems the way Bush-Cheney did at Iraq, after invading the country and bequeathing to the world a generational catastrophe.

2. Derek Jeter is leaving. (In case you haven't heard, congratulations on getting off the ventilator; it's 2014 and Shirley Temple not only grew up, but she died of old age.) The farewell year marketing has already begun. Last year, you sold Mariano Rivera's goodbyes like a new chicken sandwich at Wendy's. And then the Yankees failed him. They couldn't even supply a supporting cast capable of getting to the post-season. Will we do that twice?

3. If the Yankees sign Drew, the Redsocks will receive less in compensation. They'll receive a Yankee draft pick, and we have already lost our top picks to other signings. Boston might be draft in the second or third round, and the Yankees - well - we don't even have to show up on the first day of the draft.

4. We still have gaping holes in the infield, and they didn't shrink as a result of Jeter's announcement. There is no way to read Jeter, never was. But the fact that he views this year as the finale must be interpreted as a sign he also senses his limitations. If we sign Drew, he becomes insurance at three positions. He could easily become the team's most valuable player in 2014.

5. You can never have enough pissed off former Redsocks with something to prove. Boston dissed Drew this winter. He's not God's answer to an infield, but they simply chose the rookie, Xander Bogartes, over Drew. For all his talent, Bogartes still hasn't proven himself. I'm sure Drew would love to outhit and outplay the kid, and there would no better payback than doing it with the Yankees.

6. Suddenly, you're facing payroll limits? I can understand that Yankee money isn't infinite. But if we're midway through July with a broken infield, the call will go out to find somebody - and it will mean taking on a huge salary dump and giving up several prospects - a price far higher than a draft pick. This is as cheap as it's going to get, aside from gathering old bottles from the waiver wire. Last year, we learned what happens when you spend a season running a metal detector over the scrap heap.

7. Oh, screw this list. Sign Stephen Drew, dammit. In for a penny, in for a pound. Sign Stephen Drew, and you go from 85 wins to 90, and that's the Wild Card, bam, right there. With a little luck, you're two out on September 15, and we can sort everything out from there. Sign Stephen Drew, Yankees. The stakes have only gotten higher. Sign Stephen Drew.

Yankee crapola index raised to Defcon 4: Everybody is ready

The latest from the Crapola Mill. Clip and save. It'll be fun reading later.

"I feel ready to go."
- Manny Banuelos -

“My body is in perfect shape... I’m ready to go."
- Michael Pineda -

"I’m in the best shape I’ve been in in a while... I'm good to go."
- Austin Romine -

"I  really pushed myself... I've had good results."
- Scott Sizemore -

Takeaway point: Yanks are not ready.

Best anti-Derek Jeter lines from the Sons of Sam Horn forum

We went, so you don't have to.

Seriously, life is too short. Nevertheless, visiting the Redsock forums is like reading emails for the NSA. It offers keen insight into the Redsockian mind.

For whatever it's worth, about one in 10 actually admit that Jeter is a great player. The rest say what we in the Yankiverse cannot. The best of them:

I'm sure they'll give him a very nice sendoff, perhaps with some lovely parting gifts. Unfortunately they'll place them 2 feet to his left so he'll never be able to pick them up. 
- Smiling Joe Hesketh - 

He goes out the way he always wanted to - without A-Rod.
- Coolpapabellhorn -

How dare he steal Bud Selig's Departure Thunder!!
- mabrowndog -

Mr. Cashman, Scott Boras on line 2.
- plympton91 - 


He says wants to start a family. Young actresses of the world....START....YOUR.....UTERI.
- Smiling Joe Hesketh -

Can we buy him flying lessons for his retirement.
- doc -

Who will be the first team to give Jeter a "gift Basket"?- soxhop41 - 

Continued; The top all-time Coolest Yankees... Numbers 4 and 3

“Secrets...are the very root of cool.” - William Gibson, Spook Country.

Who are the all-time coolest Yankees? Going down to the wire:

No. 4. Babe Ruth: American icon; boozer, womanizer, brawler, binge-eater; over-indulger of everything sinful, who then compensated through work with sick children; inspired 1) "The House that Ruth Built," 2) Baby Ruth candy bar, 3) the Babe Ruth League, 4) the word "Ruthian," 5) more biographies than any other ballplayer in history; in 1930s had two network radio programs The Adventures of Babe Ruth and Here's Babe Ruth; appeared in several movies, silent and talkies, including Pride of the Yankees, in which he lost 40 pounds to play himself; joked with presidents and world leaders; during WWII, Japanese soldiers said to yell, "To hell with Babe Ruth!" to piss off Americans; voted greatest player ever; married twice;  "The Bambino," "The Sultan of Swat;" did and said whatever the hell he wanted; and whatever the hell he did or said automatically defined cool.

3. Joe DiMaggio: "The Yankee Clipper;" dad was fisherman from Italy, processed at Ellis Island, later put on U.S. government list as potential WWII enemy; set Pacific Coast League record by hitting in 61 consecutive games; pictured on cover of first SPORT Magazine; robbed of many HRs due to Yankee Stadium contours; Al Gionfriddo's famous catch would have been gone anywhere else; in 56 game hitting streak scored 56 runs and would have had 56 RBIs but for base-running error; spent 1943 in military and made Sergeant; married stunning Hollywood starlet Dorothy Arnold; dated Lee Meriwether, Marlene Dietrich, Gloria De Haven, Morgan Fairchild, a Miss America, and half female population of San Francisco; friend of Bob Hope and many stars; sold Mr. Coffee machines; smoked like chimney; NYC  West Side Highway named in his honor; face on 2011 U.S. Postage Stamp; mythic figure in Hemmingway's Old Man and the Sea; mentioned by Billy Joel in We Didn't Start the Fire; too many TV show references to list; married somebody named Marilyn Monroe for 274 days; loved her to the end; many - including Bob Hope - believed he was her last hope for salvation; or as Paul Simon put it: "Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you." That's effing cool.

Tomorrow: Number 2 and Number 1. The All-Time Coolest Ever Yankees.

Care to guess?

With tears and speeches, the Yankees will be seeking a bridge to the Cito Culver Era

Here we go again... "Ladies and gentlemen, we direct your attention to the Monument Park in center field..."

Historically, the Yankees haven't always blessed retiring icons with pennant-quality supporting casts. Mickey limped away in 1968, with Horace Clarke, Steve Whitaker and Andy Kosco setting the table. Elston and Babe both went out in Boston. Most maddening was the fate of Mariano: Last winter, the Steinbrothers donned poor-mouths, gutting the team with a payroll limit they later scrapped. All that pain - for nothing. It's like a fat lady who diets, loses two pounds, then starts binge-eating again. If they had signed Russell Martin, who knows... Mariano might have pitched for a ring...

Ahh, don't think such things... why torture yourself?

So now looms the finale for the last great Torre-era Yankee, and the front office has yet to identify one-half of the infield. Last year, the team received an incredible performance from Mariano, more than anyone had a right to expect, yet they couldn't even get him into the fake one-game playoff. And Jeter is staring into the same empty October fate. Even if he defies Father Time and plays competent SS, this team could finish fourth - or worse.

Oh well, there's always those three-Kleenex final speeches.

OK... so let's look beyond Jeter for a moment. For better or worse, the Yankees are about to enter The Cito Culver Era, a post-Jeet period marked by a stream of so-so shortstops, none of whom who ever touch our whoopie buttons as he did. I believe that one of these players will be Cito Culver. Yes, THE Cito Culver.

Cito is the blogosphere's go-to whipping mule for the Yankee farm system's failures, which are epic. Ever since he was chosen in the first round of the 2010 draft, he's been publicly pied by the so-called scouting experts, who wanted someone else. (In hindsight, they always wanted somebody who is now a star.) In some cases, it's almost as if they want Culver to fail, so they can rage about how right they were. I've seen condemnations for him being in his third year at Single A. Well, yeah, in a way - if you consider the Gulf Coast League, the Atlantic Coast League and the Florida State League all in Single A. But nobody else in baseball does. Culver has steadily progressed. But hey, it's fun to berate a guy named Cito Culver. It almost rhymes with Renal Failure.

Culver will play this year at Trenton. He will probably hit .230. But he will field his position. Next year, he could be at Scranton. He will probably hit .230. Culver could become the Yankee SS in 2016. He will probably hit .230. He may never be an all-star. He certainly will never be Derek Jeter. But, hey a .230 hitting SS is about 50 points higher than Brandon Ryan is going to do, and right now, that's our SS if Jeter pulls a hammy.

Before Jeter re-defined our view of the position, a light-hitting, good-fielding SS was par for the course. The Cito Culver Era - with or without Cito Culver - will probably be marked by batting averages between .230 and .270. But that's competency, not failure.

Meanwhile, we face another potentially awful farewell year. God save me. Two injuries to key players, and we're the Titanic. Considering our ages and brittle bones, it's hard to imagine the Yankees without a MASH unit set up in the bullpen. Recently, there has been a clarion cry for the team to sign Stephen Drew, as a stopgap. I think Jeter's announcement will add to those calls.

But rest assured, our owners have a strategy. Hal Steinbrenner has a number in mind. And we can feel assured in knowing he'll stick to it - for a while, anyway. He can be cheap now, then piss the store later. That's how the Yankees did it in the years after Mickey. Hey, in my book, you know what I called those years?

The Horace Clarke Era, of course.

Last Night, Keith Olbermann Delivered a Pretty Good Monologue About Jeter

"I want to start by saying I thank you. I know they say that when you dream, you eventually wake up. Well, for some reason, I have never had to wake up..."

On Facebook, Derek Jeter announces his retirement after 2014.

“I’ve experienced so many defining moments in my career: winning the World Series as a rookie shortstop, being named the Yankees captain, closing the old and opening the new Yankee Stadium. Through it all I’ve never stopped chasing the next one. I want to finally stop the chase and take in the world...

"There are many things I want to do in business and in philanthropic work, in addition to focusing more on my personal life and starting a family of my own. And I want the ability to move at my own pace, see the world and finally have a summer vacation.

“But before that, I want to soak in every moment of every day this year, so I can remember it for the rest of my life. And most importantly, I want to help the Yankees reach our goal of winning another championship.”

Go there, send him a message, the man probably needs a hug right now.

Top 15 all-time coolest Yankees (continued): Numbers 7 through 5

Remember this, from the Smithsonian's "American Cool" exhibition: What do we mean when we say someone is "cool"? Cool is a supreme compliment that evokes people who exude rebellious self-expression, charisma, edge, and mystery.

Wait a minute. Did they say mystery? Hmm... That vaults Kevin Maas into the top 100! But not quite here.

Continuing our quest...

7. Bernie Williams:  Only Yankee to be nominated for Grammy; classical guitarist, once covered Dust in the Wind;  entire career as Yankee; Caribbean champion  sprinter at age 15; while in minors, took pre-med courses in college; was nearly traded for Darren Lewis (SF), Lance Johnson (Cubs), and guy named Mike Drumright (DET); first to win batting title, Golden Glove and WS ring in same year; won huge contract negotiation with George; last ex-player introduced before final game at Yankee Stadium, his ovation lasted 102 seconds; collaborated with Bella Fleck, Bruce Springsteen and Ruben Blades; signed to Paul McCartney's label; forward for memoir written by Paul Simon. Cool.

6. Bucky Dent: Appeared in movie Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders  as love interest to Jane Seymour;  posed for Playgirl magazine in swimsuit; grew up with step-parents and told of biological mom at age 10; was 6th pick in 1970 draft; hit THE home run, beat Redsocks, won Series MVP, was given middle name in Boston; returned to Fenway in 2003 and sat atop Green Monster, where THE home run landed; charmed Boston fans with grace and humor; became huge eighties sex symbol via pinup poster; couldn't go to corner store for pack of cigarettes without getting laid.

5.Joe Pepitone:  Yankees' self-destructive ambassador to 1960s counter-culture; as teen, blew whole signing bonus partying en route to spring training; replaced both Moose Skowron and Ernie Banks at 1B; posed nude (all out) for Foxy Lady magazine; did four months at Rikers Island on drug conviction (coke and ludes); played in Japan, but hung out in discos so much that "Pepitone" became Japanese vernacular for "goofing off;" owned two toupees, including his "game piece;" at age 52, arrested for punching guy who called him "has been;" one DWI; three All-Star games; three Golden Gloves; three divorces; named in three Seinfeld episodes, two Curb Your Enthusiasms, plus a Sopranos, a Golden Girls, a West Wing, a Rescue Me and a Mystery Science Theater 3000; fictional character in three novels; his critically acclaimed memoir "Joe, You Coulda Made Us Proud," full of harsh truths; Wikipedia page calls him "something of a cultural icon;" we called him "Pepi." He was cool.

 Coming tomorrow, numbers 4 and 3.

Two hundred reporters attend Tanaka's news conference, and not one had the guts to throw his shoe at Hal Steinbrenner

The Yankee brass yesterday sported Defcon 5 erections over the fact that 200 reporters came to their debutante party to welcome Masahiro Tanaka to NYC.  So many people, so much excitement! It was like the Oscars! Celebrities! Lights, camera, action... buffet!

“We know what our fans expect,” Hal Steinbrenner said. “They expect us to field a championship-caliber team, every year, as best we can. I think we’ve got a very good team.”

“We went out to L.A. and met him and talked to him, to try and say, ‘This is where you need to be, you’re a great star, the biggest franchise, the biggest brand, the biggest city,’ ” Randy Levine said.

OK, don't get me wrong. All Yankee fans hope we just signed the end to the team's rampant malfeasance and incoherent strategies. But lost in the jubilation over Tanaka is the reality that the Yankees apparently decided not to be "the biggest brand, the biggest city" when Mr. Darivsh, Mr. Cespedes, Mr. Puig, Mr. Chapman and the others came to America in recent years. Nope, the Yankees didn't even bid on them. The owners wanted to lay low.

LISTEN: The signing of Tanaka was not a sign of the Yankees' pride and prestige.  It was a sign of desperation, a sign that some middle management weasel found in focus groups that the fanbase was so depressed about the direction of the franchise that the YES network in 2014 - which the Steinbrenners were about to peddle to Rupert Murdoch - would need nude mud-wrestlers to attract viewers after June 1. 

It still might. Right now, if this team were a plane, it would have six propellers and one wing. Signing Tanaka might look like a throwback to the good ol' days, when George always chased the best international talent on the market. But it's a Hail Mary pass for a team that might win 85 games - or collapse on the runway.

Last year, the Steinbrenners decided to call in sick and shrink their payroll to $189 million. It was a bad idea - a really bad idea.  But here's something that might even prove to be worse: They blew up the plan in mid-stream and sign thirtysomething players to long-term deals.

Listen: I'm glad Hal and Randy got their Gatsby moment yesterday. I'm glad Tanaka is with us, rather than against us. I'm glad the Steinbrenners have found their wallets. They can sell us this guy's potential. But if they're trying to sell us the notion that the franchise has turned itself around, it will take a lot more than 200 reporters in a cafeteria to get our attention. And if we're in fourth on July Fourth, it might not be just fireworks in the air. There might be penny-loafers.

Kitty down

Channel 3's weather cat is no more. Doppler was 18.

Last I checked, the news story had generated 152 comments, including condolences from weather cats around the world. Some testimonials...

"So sad. I would watch for him everynight. He was just a part of me daily and I missed him when he retired. He got as much attention as your on-air personalities. He lived the good life, for you guys kept him well andl well fed!! So sorry especially for Wayne...."

"I am so sorry to hear this! Those of us who live in Little Rock, AR know the importance of a News Cat, as well as the sadness when one passes. We had Larry for many years, and his passing was heartbreaking. We now have Joey, who is so very loved, just as I'm sure Doppler was. Prayers for peace during this time of sorrow and loss."

 "I met Doppler when I was working as a vet tech. He came in the treatment area walking on a leash and harness. He was absolutely sweet and such a good patient. RIP Doppler." 

Dead cat.

News From the Shadow of the Baseball Cathedral: BRONX BOMBSHELLS

The Yankees are proud to introduce Field MVP Club seats for 2014

Highlighting this new climate-controlled lounge, which will be located behind home plate on the Field Level, will be an upscale bar and food action stations with a variety of offerings. Complimentary snacks and nonalcoholic beverages will be available inside the lounge.

Field MVP Club seats and the accompanying benefits will only be available on a full-season basis and will feature lower pricing with further reduced pricing options available for full-season multiyear contracts.

Bronx laundry boss charged with throwing coffee into worker's eyes cops plea for menacing

Perlson flipped out in 2009 when the worker, Jose Luis Diaz, refused to take a bribe to stop organizing with a union, court papers in a related civil case said.

Thieves cut hole in floor above Bronx apartment to burglarize it

The crooks, including one who was obese, were caught on surveillance video leaving the building with large black plastic bags brimming with computer equipment, clothing and cash.

Forget Manhattans, drink The Bronx

Basically a martini with a dash of orange, [the Bronx] was rated 3rd in the World's Most Famous Cocktails in 1934, just one spot below the Manhattan.

In front of 20 million people, Bob Costas is transforming into a zombie

They say it's a case if pink eye.

Either that, or he has been - umm - commuting to Amsterdam, so to speak.

The all-time coolest Yankees continued: Numbers 10 through 8

From the Smithsonian's "American Cool" exhibition:

What do we mean when we say someone is "cool"? Cool is a supreme compliment that evokes people who exude rebellious self-expression, charisma, edge, and mystery.

OK, so if we're talking about the all-time coolest Yankees... self-expression, charisma, edge, mystery? Nah,  Len Boehmer doesn't quite cut it.

Continuing our voyage through the Top 15 All-Time Coolest Yankees...  (We'll vote later in the week.)

10. David Cone:  Survived tabloid self-pleasuring scandal; survived aneurysm; survived vendetta by George Steinbrenner after attempted comeback at Redsock and Met; led "Cone Head" fans;  threw perfect game on Yogi Day; only player to win 20 games for Mets and Yankees; an Everyman; a union leader; testified before U.S. Senate on behalf of Supreme Court nominee Sonya Sontomayor; returned as popular YES announcer; once said Ichiro Suzuki was "swinging a chopstick out there;" made coolest commercial ever, doing the El Duque.

9. Black Jack McDowell:  Went to Stanford; three-time all-star, won Cy Young; rail thin; career ended due to screw up by surgeon; sang and played guitar in two alternative rock bands; opened for Smithereens;  cut six albums; inspired The Baseball Project's song, "The Yankee Flipper," about giving finger to fans booing him; song suggests he was drunk with fellow musicians night before game; one of the last Yankees to be seen with a beard.

8. Bobby Murcer:  Though christened "next Micky,” never followed self-destructive road; lost two prime years - 1965-66 - in military; famous for his "delayed steal" after pitch; won over NY and SF;  fined for saying Bowie Kuhn didn't have "the guts" to reign in Gaylord Perry's spitball; to make amends, sent Perry a tub of lard; comforted Sen. Ted Kennedy's cancer-stricken son; promised a dying kid he would hit a HR that night, then hit two; the mom called it her son's happiest moment; star of iconic game after Munson's death; recorded two country singles; was guest VJ on MTV; appeared on Hee-Haw. Graceful, self-deprecating style in booth. Wrote preamble for re-issue of best baseball book ever, "O Holy Cow: The Selected Verse of Phil Rizzuto." Death mourned nationwide. Cool guy, flawless life.

USA in contention for one-game Olympic Wild Card playoff

 

Looks like we'd have to face Russia.

This is when you miss Lindsey Vonn. 

Floating zeppelin hotel was in shop for repairs, so Yankee third starter arrives on private 787

Masahiro Tanaka, whom Brian Cashman hopes will fill the gap days between Hiroki Kuroda's looming apocalypse and the next sightings of Chris Bootcheck, came to the Homeland yesterday with a blitz of showmanship worthy of that blonde dragon lady on Game of Thrones, the one Seth MacFarlane is/was schztupping. He rented a Boeing 797 Dreamliner.

Bravo, Professor Tanaka, bravo.

In one bold stroke, he's put himself up there with Reggie and A-Rod, in terms of ostentatious wealth, and that's not even counting the toy poodle, who probably had its own in-flight movie (Beethoven? Air Bud?) Yes, I'm a little concerned about the toy poodle; we all would prefer a Doberman, or maybe a cougar. (Then again, we don't want to go down the Mel Hall road again, eh?) Maybe, while he's in New York, Tanaka will buy a bridge - a real bridge!

Listen: The Yankees signed Tanaka because the incoming Murdochian regime at YES projected a ratings train wreck in 2014 - games coming in behind the nightly Ag Commodities Report and reruns of Ben Casey. This was as much about beating Dog the Bounty Hunter than John Lester. They signed him not to win us, the diehard Yankee fan, but the undecideds of NYC.

If Tanaka is good - Yu Darvish-level - he's our ace, no matter how hard Cashman tries to reduce expectations. If Tanaka tanks - Kei Igawa-level - well, at least we'll get a few back pages in April and May. Odds are he'll be somewhere in the middle. But a dab of craziness is usually a good sign. Right now, he's still 24 and 0. And he's our toy poodle.