Shocker: Yanks apparently have chosen not to retire number 24

In a perfect world, the last game of the 2014 Yankee season is against Seattle. The Mariners are in fifth, eliminated from the race on August 1. Robbie Cano is batting .245 with 6 home runs - the result of an unexplained condition, described by team doctors as "extreme tenderness around the nipples."

OK, it's the ninth inning, tie game, and Robbie comes up with the bases loaded, and the Yankee crowd barely notices, because they've been chanting "Der-ek Jee-ter for the last hour. Robbie hits it to the secondbaseman - I can't tell you his name, because it's a perfect world, and the team has a steady stream of great players, up from the farm system - and he converts it into a 4-5-6-3 triple play, with Jeter making a miraculous "flip" to first, to beat Robbie, who jogged, wincing from the pain in his tortured man-boobs.

While Robbie walks back to the dugout, he eyes Jay-Z and Beyonce in the first row, and they look away, ashamed of themselves, disillusioned; she has gained 39 pounds and looks hideous, and he's lost all his hair - no, both have lost all their hair - (remember: perfect world) - and they're wearing Yankee swag and chanting "Der-ek Jee-ter." Robbie goes into the clubhouse to ice his tits and, in a moment of self-debasement, shaves his beard, which by now extends to his waist, drops the razor and chops off a nip. Ow, that's gotta hurt.

Then Jeter comes up, hits a grand slam, the Yankees win, confetti cannons fire all over the stadium, wars end around the world, global warming stops, and the hand of God reaches down from the clouds and says, "You all are my children, and I have neglected you for a millenium, because I was cleaning up a mess on Alpha Centari. (Take my advice and don't cross pollinate with prickery bushes.)" And God bestows upon humanity a great gift: A new kind of cigarette with twice the flavor and that, the more you smoke, the healthier you get, and it comes with coupons that be traded in for backyard furniture. Then God says, "But one of you shalt not joineth in this feast of smoking pleasure, for he hath displeased me."

And then the giant hand reaches into the dugout, grabs Robbie Cano in the way King Kong grabbed Fay Wray, and... bam, Robbie sprouts thorns, and it's off to Alpha Centari, but it'll never happen, because it's not a perfect world. I can tell you that.

Scott Sizemore is the new 24. It's not perfect. It's not even half-full. But a guy can still run hard. And the world is better than it was last year.