ARod scouting Madonny Baseball's Neighborhood?

Hey, he could stop by to borrow a cup of sugar!

The NY Post probably has 10 reporters on this front. Here's what they've got:

Before Hurricane Cyndi hit port two weeks ago, Arod was flushing the johns on the possibility of moving to 15 Central Park West, just two blocks from Madonna's one-room, cockroach-infested, unfurnished flophouse, where she lives in a maze of garbage with her dead sister and 70 cats. (Pictured at right.)

Supposedly, he's looked at a four-bedroom duplex apartment, which is unofficially on the market for $90 million.

That's sad. In that town, $90 million won't get you hot-and-cold running water and a still warm pizza delivery. But at least he can practice that perfect swing -- which didn't get ruined by the Home Run Derby -- by hitting dead rat fungos off the roof.

Vai Sikahema does what ARod and Clemens want to do ...

Jose Canseco started his boxing career over the weekend.

Canseco took on Vai Sikahema, the former NFL kick returner. Sikahema gave away 7 inches in height and about 50 or so pounds to Canseco.

I'm not sure if Canseco realized that Vai had a strong background in amateur boxing. If not, rest assured that Jose is well aware of that fact now.

In what is sure to be one of our most popular links, click here to see Jose get his ass kicked.

FUN FACTS ABOUT AROD’S LADIES!

Arod's Wife Cyndi is a psychologist!

When Cyndi recently flew to see Lenny Kravitz in Paris, she left their two kids with the nanny!

Cyndi, who denies having an affair with Lenny, traveled with her personal trainer!

Boston stripper Candace Houlihan bedded Arod during the 2004 Championship Series, while his team was losing four straight!

Candace found out later, to her shock, that Cyndi was pregnant!

Jose Canseco’s ex-wife Jessica, a target of Arod’s affections, once dueled Debbie Clemens in a tit contest!

Arod’s friend Madonna gave up a big Pepsi endorsement so she could do important videos with black lace, stigmata and burning crosses!

In concert, Madonna sometimes simulates masturbation while being caressed by male dancers!

Madonna once wowed Puerto Ricans by rubbing their flag between her legs!

High school classmates in Cedar Rapids remember Joslyn Noel Morse as a popular girl!

Shortly after high school, Joslyn took up stripping!

That's how she met Arod!

Arod pal Alicia Marie has recently dated ex-Braves pitcher John Rocker, most remembered these days for his ugly racial slurs!

She’s black!

Yankee Sickening Defeat Number 44 Quiz

1. The Yanks couldn't hit AJ Burnett today even though...
a) He was pitching on three days rest.
b) Going into the game, his ERA was over 5.00.
c) He was calling out pitches before throwing them.
d) He threw with his left-hand.

2. Jorge Posada...
a) Hit into another double play.
b) Gave up two stolen bases, including one to Kevin Mench.
c) Left three runners on base.
d) Can really use a three-day rest.

3. The last four batters in the order -- Robby Cano, Melky Cabrera, Wilson Betemit and Brett Gardner...
a) Didn't get any hits.
b) Left four runners on base.
c) Contributed two strike outs and a double play grounder.
d) Has nobody hitting higher than .246.

4. Jason Giambi's home run...
a) Came with nobody on and one out in the ninth.
b) Didn't matter one stinking bit.
c) Might have mattered if hit in the sixth, when there were two men on.
d) Was his 13th (out of 19) hit with the bases empty.

Bad Day

Asylum

Got some chocolate-chip cookies here
Murcer.
So don't ask me any questions
For a batter or so.
All right?

Phil Rizzuto
June 17, 1992
New York at Boston
Roger Clemens pitching to Mel Hall
Sixth inning, two outs, bases empty
Red Sox lead 2-1

He was never what he was supposed to be. He was supposed to be the next Mickey. That's how it went. It was Ruth to Dimaggio to Mantle and then to Bobby Murcer. Everybody said it. Everybody could see it. And so whatever he did, it was never enough. Never. Because he was not what he was supposed to be.

Maybe we grew up after he was traded to San Francisco for Bobby Bonds. A friend of mine on the West Coast worked in the laundry that cleaned the Giants uniforms. He stole the jersey that said "MURCER" on the back. I'll never forget the day I saw that jersey. That was the day I realized what we had given up.

Murcer carried us through lean years. When he came back, near the end of his career, the Yanks were an entirely different organization. They'd once been a big dynasty machine, so efficient that it seemed certain that Mickey would be replaced by another Mickey. When Murcer came back to us -- bunting for hits, working walks and slapping singles -- we saw a player giving everything he had to an organization that had traded him. He was the guy who rallied us after Thurman Munson's death. He was the guy who drew the loudest cheers. We'd had Ruth, Dimaggio and Mantle.

None of them was a Bobby Murcer.

My favorite Murcer story is one he would tell about himself. He'd be playing left field at Fenway, and the fans would yell horrible things. Nonstop abuse. One guy was the absolute loudest, meanest and worst, yelling insults that made Murcer cringe. Of course, Murcer would agree with the guy now and then. And sure enough, Murcer ended up getting to know him. The guy invited him for dinner. They became great friends.

Can you imagine that?

He just smiled, nodded, laughed... and he won the guy over.

Same way with us.

Chocolate-chip cookies. I hope he's enjoying them tonight.

It is... sad.

Bobby Murcer 1946-2008

Lots of great memories from players and fans.

Here's one of the best.

Gardner Flashes in Yank's Thrashing

Brett Gardner, the Yank's 2008 rookie of the year candidate, gave up his body in the first inning last night ( HBP ) and stole second.  This was one of the best hits the Yankees registered all night, and gave the team their best scoring opportunity.

It set the stage for another great Yankee run , as they slide back toward the .500 threshold.  This week the Yankees powerful lineup ( see pretty much any Joe Girardi press conference ) scored more runs (9) than two other teams in the majors.

  In response to excellent, strategic and tactical coaching advise, Brett led the Yankees in first pitch outs last night.  This was particularly effective after Joba labored through a 31 pitch second inning.  Anxious to get this new starter back out on the hill without any cool-down, Brett grounded out to second on the very first offering.  6 Halliday  pitches later, Joba was back on the mound.

The cynics will say that Brett went 0-3 and did not get a ball out of the infield, but his on base percentage ( due to the HBP ) soared passed those of both Sidney Ponson and Kyle Farnsworth.

A review of Brett's body of major league work, thus far, suggest a new scouting report: 

 " Great speed, but does not hit for average.  OBP will linger in the mid- 200s.  Does not have outfield power.  A bit anxious at the plate.  Can steal second or third if you hit him."

Personally, I liked his first pitch bunt attempt which came as it became clear the Yanks were not in this game to score.  Unfortunately, it popped straight up and didn't require that Halliday move from his post pitch delivery position.  Had it dropped, however, it is quite clear that Brett would have only been thrown out by one or two steps.

Brett has not delivered a baseball beyond the infield dirt in his last 12 ABs.  There is something to be said for consistency.  Truth be told, how much better has the great A-Rod done?

There are many among IIH, IIF, IIc readership and owners who feel that Brett's .129 BA is not representative of his upside potential.

I do not find myself on this side of the aisle.  

Holy Twinstripes!

Do the Yankees have small-market envy?

Does Hank Steinbrenner have a father-figure crush on Carl Pohlad?

No and No?

Then how does one explain: LaTroy Hawkins? Sidney Ponson? Chad Moeller? and now Eric Milton?

And coaching in the minors: Butch Wynegar? Alvaro Espinosa? and Greg Colbrunn?

All of them, my friends, ex-Twins! And none of them ex-Twins knocking on the door of the Twins Hall of Fame, either.

(OK, maaaaaybe Wynegar)

In search of bats, Yanks Looking to Sign Everybody in World Except Barry Bonds

Supposedly, we're thinking about signing Richie Sexon, the tallest position player in MLB history. (The .218 version.)

Remember Dave Kingman, Jose Canseco, John Mayberry, Ron Kittle, et al.

Yeahp. That's where we're headed.

Older and slower.

Yesterday, we signed Eric Milton. It was our second time.

Last week, we signed Ben Broussard. Our second time.

Two weeks ago, we signed Sidney Ponson. Second time.

Older and slower.

We're looking at Victor Zambrano. We're pondering Freddy Garcia. If Ethel Merman were alive, we'd be working her out at the Tampa complex.

OK, let's be straight here: This is the old-fashioned beating of the bushes. Who knew Sidney Ponson would give us two good outings? And every Yank fan dreams of a vast feeder network of all-stars, to be slotted in at a moment's notice to replace a regular. Zambrano? Why not? Garcia? Of course.

Remember: Cleveland told us they would only accept Joba and Cano for CC Sabathia. Then then peddled him to Milwaukee for a prospect. That's how it's going to be for trades: One offer to the Yankees, one to everybody else.

But how old and how slow can we get?

This kid at Scranton, Daniel McCutchen, has thrown 2 shutouts in his last six starts. He's 25. He's from the University of Oklahoma. He's in his third year of pro ball. He's a horse.

If we plop Zambrano or Garcia into the rotation -- hell, there are people on acid who think Carl Pavano will come back -- does McCutchen ever get a shot? Do Ian Kennedy and Phil Hughes? JB Cox? Mark Melancon? The Mexican guy, Aceves?

And what about Brett Gardner? OK, he's not exactly lighting it up in the batters box, but look at him on the basepaths. He is an automatic 9th inning stolen base.

If we sign Richie Sexon -- well, -- do the math.

Older and slower.

Dinner at the Posadas

In this episode, Jorge gets an earful from the Mrs.

Yank AC-DC Mowing Them Down at Staten Island

Pat Vendite, the world's foremost righty-lefting pitching specialist, is doing something very strange at Single A Staten Island.

He is killing.

Last night, he pitched a one-two-three ninth inning, his sixth save.

This is what he has done thus far in 10 games: 10 2/3 innings... 11 strikeouts... 2 hits... 0 runs.

Nada.

We chalked him off as a novelty. Still not convinced. He's 23, sorta old for the league.

Pitching lefty, he's walked 6 guys -- and nobody's gotten a hit off him yet.

Pitching righty, no walks -- and they're batting .105.

Is he a sign of the apocalypse?

Duel of SuperGods: Number of Hits Since News Broke: Madonna 2, A-Rod 1

Forget the All-Star Home Run Derby.

At last, baseball and mass culture has give us the epic battle we've waited for:

Man v. Woman. Zeus v. Athena. Bill v. Hillary.

Arod v. Madonna.

Since the news broke that Arod's marriage is as dead as a passenger pigeon, the Yankee superstar has produced 1 hit (a single, against Tampa Bay.)

Madonna, on the other hand, currently has 2 hits, singles, on the national charts, (though one, sadly, is with Justin Timberlake.)

CURRENT SCORE SINCE NEWS BROKE:

HITS

Madonna 2
A-Rod 1

Horny Yank haters Vote Eva Longora to All-Star Team

Let's face it: Jason Giambi's mustache was never going to overpower 80 years of hatred for New York baseball.

Fortunately, Yank fans will have one great Jason moment next Tuesday.

It'll come when Jason Varitek's batting average flashes on the giant scoreboard. Currently, it is .220.

Yes, if Jason avoids ice cream and an 0-4, he'll enter the game hitting his weight: 210.



Small victories.

Baseball Lightning

Time has allowed me to process the story about Geremi Gonzales' tragic run in with atmospheric disturbances. After the stages of anger and denial comes the stage of tribute:

It won't be for his glove or savvy
Or the hits he would spray left and right.
What we'll remember 'bout Geremi Gonzales
Is the way he would light up the night.

Rookie Flashes Again for Yanks

BRETT GARDNER BREAKS .140 BA !!!!!

The Yankee broadcasters keep telling us "how much the Yankees like Brett Gardener's at bats."

Let's take a look:

1. Last night Brettt was victimized three times by the umpire tradition of
" squeezing " rookie batters for strikes ( "you've got to swing the bat, son." ).

2. It marked the 4th, 5th and 6th times the young speedster has gone down looking, in his 20 something plate appearances.

3. In his second at bat of the evening, after leading off with a "K, looking, " Brett nailed a 22 foot single.

4. One of his earlier singles ( see Boston game ) did reach the outfield grass, largely due to the added momentum provided by a ricochet off the Red Sox SS's glove.

5. His first major league single actually went over the second baseman's head, and rolled to a dead stop about 25 yards in front of the charging right fielder. This clever positioning ( similar to a defensive, blocking shot in the game of billiards) , caused the outfielder to stop his charge, bring his momentum to zero, twist his awkward frame, bend and pickup the ball in five separate motions, allowing a Yankee runner to score from second.

The good news is that Brett and Robbie Cano may finally be on the same tragectory. All Brett needs are three 4 for5 games in a row, and he'll be right up there pushing through the "Mendoza" line.

Don't forget, he was close to a .300 hitter at Dunder Miflen.

But why am I feeling the ghost of Hensley Muelens.

The Yankees get all the stars.

Yanks go all-out with Wednesday's giveaway

On a scouting mission* for IIH IIF IIc, I was in the Bronx for Wednesday's game - the highly-touted 'stache giveaway.

I have, in my possession, one of the infamous Giambi 'Staches.

Here's what they gave out. (Really, no joke)



Yanks really splurged on this one. Look at the high quality of the packaging:



I'm not sure who this "Yoo" guy is, but he must be one ugly sonuvabitch.

By the way, when introducing Tuesday's highlights on the Diamond Vision before the game, John Sterling was wearing one of those things. Frightening.


*- Scouting report to come later ...

Hats off to Hero Tiger!

Now and then, the real world intervenes on our fantasy world, and someone must "step to the plate" to remind us that -- hey, pally -- it's just a game.

Matt Joyce. Hero.

Suggested Signature Calls for Suzyn Waldman

John has, “IT IS HIGH, IT IS etc.,” and “THE YANKEES WIN, THUH-UH-etc!”

But Suzyn has not yet woven a signature call into her tapestry of professional broadcasting.

That’s trouble, if she plans to break that glass ceiling for female baseball announcers. She needs a famous call, something beyond the Benihanna Steak House.

We at IIH, IIF, IIc, (who love Suzyn, especially for her sense of humor) offer some possibilities:

SWINGS AND MISSES. AND I’M ONE, TWO, THREE STRIKES A LADY!

SOMEBODY GIMMIE A MYDOL! JASON GIAMBI JUST MADE ME CRAMP!

HOME RUN! I MUST BE PREGNANT, CAUSE MY BREAST MELKY IS FLOWING!

KYLE FARNSWORTH, DROP THE GOGGLES SO I CAN SEE WHAT I’M KISSIN!’

HOME RUN! A-ROD! A MADONNA RAMMA DING-DONG!

GONE! I FEEL JUST LIKE A WOMAN, BUT I’M SHOUTIN' LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!

HEY, IT'S PMS... A PERFECT MARIANO SAVE!

IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR… PUSH, BREATHE, PUSH, BREATHE… IT IS BORN.



BALLGAME OVER! I AM WALDMAN: HEAR ME ROAR… YANKEES WIN!

Tarzan Sterling Win Warble Sets New Record: 7.50 seconds! (Don't try this at home.)

Flypaper, Stories That Stick. Get it here Free!

Pope Benedict XVI Baseball Watch : Pontiff Denounces Cub Trade

Dateline; July 9th. The Vatican:

PONTIFF OFFENDED BY CHICAGO TRIBUNE HEADLINE THAT, " CUBS GOT HARDEN FROM ATHLETICS. "

Early today, Pope Benedict XVI expressed his personal outrage at learning that the distinguished Cubs organization was publically flounting a level of physical excitement from Athletics.

" Athletics have many virtues," saith the Papal press release, " but any level of erotic pleasure associated with, or derived from, such activities is against our teachings, and those of Solomon as well. "

The Pope has maintained for years that religious doctrine approves pre-procreative activities as the exclusive right of men and a women living in a marital homes, tents, condos, FEMA trailers or palaces. Furthermore, it has long been the Vatican's position that anything involving physical stimulation should be clandestine and secret.

" There is no Biblical justification or rationale whereby Hardens may come to anyone, or any team, simply from Athletics. And It is not appropriate for ballplayers at all.

It is tough enough as things are, to hit a fastball moving at 95 miles per hour. I would think any other type of distraction at such a decisive moment would be dangerous, not to mention distracting, illegal and immoral. "

Adding a final note of concern, the Papal message read,

" We have the Olympics about to begin in China, and I would hate to think that the thousands of stong, virile, well conditioned young athletes participating in this competition, on the world's greatest stage, in front of millions of viewers would, or could possibly......... " ( statement incomplete, as we lost our cell-phone connection ).

Editorial note: Due to an inherent weakness in our interpreter's ability to translate Latin , it is possible that some nuances may have been mis-stated in today's communication from Vatican Square.