Tonight, USA and Canada in hockey will recreate great Yankee/Blue Jay rivalry

It won't quite be as intense, but it will have the same outcome.
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After the game, we'll sign their players.
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Think Mike Eruzione could play left field?

Yankees Being Denied 2nd Amendment Rights

The jackbooted-thugs of Major League Baseball again are cracking down on fundamental American human rights and pushing us toward some far-off futuristic "1984."

Their latest Big Brother meathook extending deep into the cookie jar of our privacy is an affront to the dignity of the greatest team in pro ball: The World Champion New York Yankees are being told they CANNOT bring their sidearms and slingblades into their own clubhouse.

First, we saw The Man tell us schools are off-limits for Mr. Smith and Mr. Weston, the two greatest teachers that ever roamed a 5th grade lunch line. We put up a protest, but it was too late. Now the schools teach namby-pambyism, tuti-fruityism, lollypoppery, and nobody can even read!

Then they managed to keep us from bringing basic firepower to airports, as a deterent to terrorists. Now this: The World Champion New York Yankees are being told they cannot bring essential means of self-protection to the lockers where they groom themselves!

"For the first time, MLB has posted signs in clubhouses detailing the sport's "Weapon-Free Workplace" policy. Players and employees are prohibited from possessing "deadly weapons" - guns, explosives, daggers, metal knuckles, switchblade knives or knives with blades exceeding five inches - while performing any services for MLB.

The late Charlton Heston, pictured above at an National Rifle Association conference in 1972, would be turning over in heaven if he knew was going on.

Yankee outfielder Mel Hall, who made cold weaponry fashionable the Yankee clubhouse back in the 1970s, would turning over in his jail cell today at this news.

How can the Bombers feel safe, if Big Bud Brother is telling them to leave their guns at home?

FIGHT THE MAN. FIGHT THE BAN.

Letter to the Editor: Is the Babe Curse in Vancouver?

The Standard (St. Catharines, Ontario)
February 16, 2010

Dear Editor,

Do you remember the Bambino curse? In 1919, the Boston Red Sox traded their star player, George Herman "Babe" Ruth, to their nemesis the New York Yankees. Thus the legend of the Bambino Curse that the Red Sox would never win a World Series. The curse was lifted in 2004.

The Chicago Cubs last appeared in a World Series in 1945. That was the beginning of the Billy Goat curse. Legend says a Mr. Sianis, owner of a said Billy Goat Tavern, was asked to leave a World Series game at Wrigley Field due to his pet goat's odour bothering other fans. He left, but not before putting a curse on the Cubs: "Them Cubs, they aren't gonna win no more."
Newspapers have immortalized him and his goat since as the curse that stops the Cubs from going to the World Series.

Now Mother Nature is about to lay a curse on the VANOC, the British Columbia Supreme Court and the Olympic Committee. The curse? That snow won't accumulate for these Olympics.

The reason? Because women ski jumpers are not allowed to participate at these Olympics. Ski jumping is the only sport where men are represented but not women. Thus the curse begins.

When will the curse be removed? Only Mother Nature or David Suzuki might know.

Ron St. Louis

Welland

ARE WE UNDER ATTACK?

CAN YOU READ THIS MESSAGE?

SOME VIEWERS ATTEMPTING TO ACCESS THIS PAGE ARE RECEIVING A MESSAGE FROM GOOGLE THAT SAYS "REPORTED ATTACK PAGE."

Is Curt Schilling trying to shut us down?

Jesus Montero Tops Our List of Prospects

Eveybody's doing it. Why not us?

OUR BEST PROSPECTS FOR 2010

1. Jesus Montero
2. Attend community College
3. Work at Best Buy
4. Marsha in Accounting
5. Austin Romine
6. Sell computers to old people
7. Hold up McDonalds Drive-Thru's
8. Join U.S. Army
9. Create money-making blog!
10. Fight hoboes for wine at college frat parties.

Boxing in, Bah Mitzvah out, and history being rewritten

The Yankees have talked a rich guy out of commanding the Yankee Stadium Jumbotron on the day when promoters hope to bring pro boxing to the baseball theme park built to replace Yankee Stadium. The guy had originally reserved the place for a June 5 Bah Mitzvah, but he has graciously allowed the fights to go on.

Unfortunately, news reports about this are commonly printing an error:

NEW YORK — Boxing could be finally returning to Yankee Stadium, more than three decades after Muhammad Ali fought Ken Norton at the old ballpark in the Bronx.

Sorry folks, but that was another stadium, the old Yankee Stadium, that had the history. They're tearing it down. They are selling every fricking blade of grass from it.

The new one is also called Yankee Stadium -- until they sell naming rights someday.

Let's be clear about this: Nothing can return to this Yankee Stadium, aside from the Yankees. It is brand new. You want history? Buy some of the dirt that's still for sale.

Andrew Walkman is back from outer space

“I feel normal again,” Brackman said. “The mound doesn’t feel like I’m in outer space anymore. It feels like I can stay there and be comfortable, and it’s been a while since I could say that.”

Considering this guy's performance thus far, it's a wonder he's not a Knick.

But hey... you never know....

BREAKING: Hollywood Yankee-Hater Launches Big-Money Smear Campaign

Still reeling from the Yankees' 2009 World Championship, Boston Red Sox fan/Hollywood auteur Ben Affleck (seen at right in bed with a young boy on an episode of South Park) is said to be planning a possibly $100,000,000-plus smear campaign against the greatest franchise in sports history:

The Trade, a film that tells the true tale of 2 New York Yankees pitchers who caused a national scandal by swapping wives in the sexually-free 1970s, has finally hit the big leagues. Ben Affleck has become attached to direct and potentially star in the Warner Bros film.

MY BOTTOM LINE: Personal attacks have no place in baseball -- particularly when they emanate from Hollywood actors who sleep with young boys on South Park.

Warner Brothers Finally Going Ahead With Shocking Film About Yankees Sex Scandal [Deadline Hollywood]

[Thanks to commenter/tipster Anonymous]

Opus One takes down Governor Redsock-Lover of Connecticut

This from agent OpusOne:

So the trophy is coming to the CT State Capitol after all. But let's compare Gov. Jodi Rell's statements.

Jan 2008:
“I would like to thank the Boston Red Sox for rescheduling the trophy tour and for giving baseball fans in Connecticut, particularly Red Sox fans, the special opportunity see a piece of baseball history up close. Like I've said before, we are a state divided when it comes to our baseball allegiance but we all appreciate and are fans of this historic past time. On Friday, it will be Boston Red Sox Day in the State of the Connecticut -- the day this part of Red Sox Nation will join other fans across the state in celebrating the 2007 World Series championship,”

Feb 2010:
“For baseball fans of all stripes, counting down the days to spring training has always helped us get through the long, cold days of winter. Spring training is now right around the corner and having the World Series trophy in Connecticut this week will remind us all of warmer days and months ahead,” Governor Rell said. “It also will make for a great free family outing for those who have children out on school vacation this week.”

So you sure you don't want to mention any particular team's name this year, Jodi? Like maybe the team that WON THE DAMN THING?? Good Riddance, Jodi.

Fix this man's #&^%$ home entertainment center

Yankeetorial: I have seen the future of Jersey Shore and it's name is Nick Swisher

YES, the official Yankee news agency, has released a video starring Nick Swisher, in which the bases-on-ballsy rightfielder welcomes us into his kingly lair on a hillside overlooking Gomorah..
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It a West Coast version of Jersey Shore -- the punching bags, the video games, everything but Snooki's flubbery grapefruits bouncing on the breakfast nook.
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Note to YES: GIVE THIS MAN A REALITY SHOW... NOW.
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Sign him up. There is no doubt that Nick Swisher will someday be schztupping Heidi Montag, voting adversaries -- (Josh Beckett?) off an island, or "Dancing with the Stars."
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Sign him up. This guy is a revenue stream. This guy can be paying for Yankee rightfielders into his 40s.
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Let's be real: Nick probably has three years left in the majors. Maybe four. He probably peaked last year as a Yankee, hitting 20plus HR and winning the ring. If his bat slows -- inevitably, even Snooki will lose a few inches on those totems -- he can go kicking and screaming like David Wells, or he can stay in the limelight... as a Yankee Reality Star.

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Do it now. This is his real career.
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In his video, Nick shows us his $300 habit, making a Leggo Taj Mahal.
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It's time for YES to break out of its stodgy Yankeetorial programming mode.

SAY YES TO "NICK AT NIGHT."

Friday Eye Candy

From TimmyGUNZ's Flickr stream

Kitschers and Patchers report: Top 10 Yankee Patchers

Patch: A small piece of material affixed to another, larger piece to conceal, reinforce, or repair a worn area, hole, or tear.

Top 10 Yankee Patchers of 2009

1. Mariano Rivera -- stopped blood-loss from open wounds.

2. Brian Cashman -- picked up Jerry Hairston Jr.

3. Jerry Hairston Jr. -- 'nuff said.

4. Joe Girardi -- patched bullpen.

5. Francisco Cervelli -- when Jorge, Jose were hurt.

6. Sonia Sotomayor -- filled Yankee hole on Supreme Court.

7. AJ Burnett -- patched faces with cream pie.

8. Lady Gaga -- claims to fill every media interview with at least one Yankee reference.

9. Denzell Washington -- filled hole in CC Sabathia's memory about Yankee history.

10. Geico -- filled 15 minute calls with big savings on car insurance

Words from the Pariah

Javy Vazquez has shown the guts to appear in camp.

This is what MLB.com says of the man who gave us the defining moment of 2004:

(After that game, then-Yankees manager Joe Torre asked Vazquez to assess his season. Vazquez said he wished it had ended better.)

Oh? Yeah? Well, hey, come to think of it, we wish it ended better, too! It's good to know we're all on the same page here!

(But Torre insisted that the key -- the important thing -- was that he grew as a pitcher.
"And that's what I did," Vazquez said. "You've got to take it as a learning experience." )

Uh-huh. OK. Yeah. Listen: We'll root for Vazquez. But the Carl Pavano 24 Second Clock is running.

("It's just the aura of playing with the Yankees, man. It's the most important franchise in baseball, maybe in the world. To get to play for a team like that, it's a great feeling.")

OK. Maybe he understands how lucky he is to get a second chance. But it's a long, long road to redemption, folks, and it's going to have to run not only through Boston... but through Johnny Damon.

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And to tell you the truth, when this pitches against Johnny, I'm not sure for whom I will be rooting.

Kitschers and Patchers report: Top 10 Yankee Kitschers

"Kitsch: 1. something that appeals to popular or lowbrow taste and is often of poor quality;
2 : a tacky or lowbrow quality or condition."

Top 10 Yankee Kitschers of 2009

1. Nick Swisher -- did cameo sitcom, toured America as Yankee icon.
2. Randy Levine -- did talk shows, toured China as Yankee trophy.
3. Alex Rodriguez -- worked to become Tiger Woods.
4. John Sterling -- set new win-warble record.
5. Joba Chamberlain's impersonator -- did free-lunch tour of Jersey, claimed to score with 50 women.
6. Lady Gaga -- claims to work at least one Yankee analogy into all media interviews.
7. Brett Tomko -- painted team dental office portraits.
8. Martha Coakley -- called Curt Schilling a Yankee fan.
9. Kei Igawa -- lifetime achievement.
10. CC Sabathia -- appeared on Leno, drew blank on Yankee history.

Jacoby Ellsbury Wins Westminster Kennel Club Best in Show

Boston Redsocks heartthrob Jacoby Ellsbury added yet another trophy to his mantle Wednesday when he was named Best in Show at the the Westminster Kennel Club's annual battle of the breeds.

Ellsbury, who last year was induced into the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, was overdue for a new honor. Two weeks ago, he was snubbed by the American Motion Picture Academy in nominations for the Oscar -- after also failing to win a Grammy.

Trainer Peter Gammons said his beloved pet appeared to be delighted with the award.

"Tonight, he'll eat like Big Papi," the trainer said.

Obama, Cashman, tout stimulus packages as having saved economy, Yankees

WASHINGTON — President Obama and General Manager Cashman defended their year-old economic and baseball recovery packages on Wednesday, arguing that the package, the major achievements of their careers so far, created or saved as many as two million new jobs and 30 Yankee victories, spared the country and team a potentially disastrous depression

"One year later, it is largely thanks to the Sabathia/Burnett/Teixiera Act that a second Yankee World Championship is a possibility,” the president said.

Cashman added, “The team has gone from losing by 6 games to winning by 6!”

As Pitchers And Catchers Report, Let's Not Forget THE REASON FOR THE SEASON

17 days to John & Suzyn.

Ten Positives of the Off-Season

1. We didn't trade Jesus Montero, Joba Chamberlain or Phil Hughes.

2. Unless Hank spends it on cigs, we should have mucho dinero for a rainy day... around the trade deadline.

3. The trophy toured China. (If we hook 100 million Chinese on Yankee swag, we'll never have to cut salary again.)

4. Andy Pettitte coming back.

5. The Redsocks beat us to signing Mike Cameron.

6. Curtis Granderson is a great guy. And he might just be a great player.

7. Look, ma, no steroid scandal!

8. Milwaukee is building a statue of Bud Selig, so we won't have to.

9. Lady Gaga is a Yankee fan.

10. Jose Veras is gone.

Yankees prepare for unimaginable: A Duncanless spring training

No Eric.





No Shelley.





Not even Sandy.

(Holy shit. Check out those gams.)

(If Eric or Shelley had legs like that, they'd still have a future in New York.)