The Big Ray Machine is Fresh-Squeezing Grapefruit History

With 12 games left, Tampa’s Angry Rays are rampaging through the greatest March since the legendary KC Royals of '03 nabbed Grapefruit World Series rings behind the famed “4 Slingers of Citrus:” R DeHart, K Wilson, B Voyles and M. Asencio.

As everyone but the average Iraqi knows, the Rays last week replaced Boston as Yank arch-rivals after their career minor leaguer broke our 21-year-old catcher's wrist with a Michael Strahan, scoring a key insurance run in a “YES WE CAN!” victory that surely sent Jimmy Buffet reaching for his rhyming dictionary.

Days later, a Devil Yank slid high and hard into second, and Tampa DH Jonny Gomes -- who for reasons yet explained was in RF -- chugged in for a bum's rush. This prompted the late Commissioner Bud Selig to walk the earth again and -- drawing upon Mitchell Report muscle memory -- the corpse commissioner suspended two Yanks and fined two coaches.

Who cares? Tampa is enjoying the greatest exhibition season in post-millennial exhibition history. Their winning percentage now stands above the Michael Tucker-led Rollickin’ Royals of ’03, who finished 19 and 8 -- 3 games in front of the Cactus Cubs.

(That year, the Royals kept it going -- winning 83 games and finishing just 7 games out in the AL Central!)

Currently 13-3 and undefeated on the road, (thinking New York Giants?) Tampa has a 1 game lead over the always clueless Florida Marlins.

(Over in the Cactus Division, Oakland has a 2-game lead over Milwaukee.)

Clearly, Florida is sitting out the Presidential primaries because its rabid fan base is too consumed by Grapefruit dreams to care about declining land values.

Sadly, in the final days, the Bays and Marlins do not play for the Grapefruit World Series and brag rights on the Tamiami Trail.

Who drew up the March schedule? Howard Dean?