Jose Canseco: Speaking Truth to Hatred

Just in time for opening day, Ozzie Canseco’s twin brother, Jose, is cashing in his steroids fame for hosting the bash where his and Roger Clemens’ wife held a tit contest -- making him the biggest former celeb punch line since Zsa Zsa Gabor slapped the LA traffic cop.

In his new book: “Vindicated,” Jose says he hates, hates, absolutely hates Alex Rodriguez -- so deeply, so totally, so sincerely that he left A-Rod out of his first book, because, well, he hated him, hated him, hated him.

Godawmighty, he fukinay hates A-Rod!

“I hate your fucking guts,” Jose says, concluding a chapter devoted to hating A-Rod, with a direct statement to his imaginary reader, A-Rod -- a literary device borrowed from Ferris Buehler.

That’s hate. And it makes sense. After all, here’s a guy whose first book threw feces at every zookeeper in sight. Now, to his latest ghost writer, he blathers brand new, never-released allegations. It's like getting deleted scenes on Shrek 3. You thought you’d seen everything Jose could pump from his stomach, but he had some bile in reserve.

(Why the hatred? A-Rod coveted his wife, Jessica's future contest-winning boobs.)

It gets better. There’s a bizarre writing segment, like a dream sequence in an episode of “Friends,” where Jose – in a different font – includes excerpts of his “testimony” in a lie detector test. He claims to have introduced A-Rod to a steroids dealer. Apparently, the doofus thinks this excerpt proves he's telling the truth.

You know, in case someone – oh, I don’t know who – might doubt him.

This literary device dates back to Jack Abramoff.

OK… let’s try the Jose Canseco Literary Lie Detector:

Testing, one, two, three... OK, I have donned the shock collar, connected to the lie detector truth sequencer. If I tell a lie, I'll get a minor shock. Two plus two is threeAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Wow. That hurt.

OK. Ask a question. Fire away.

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH JOSE CANSECO?

Well, Jose Canseco is the only guy in the world that inspires you to defend A-Rod.

He gives evil twins a bad name. He’s a sociopathic schoolyard bully who, if he grew up in Iraq 40 years ago, would have roomed with Saddam.

He's the Orville Reddenbacker of innuendo. Because that’s his business these days. He sells the Jose Canseco line of name-brand bullshit.

"Vindication?" He should have titled it "Moby Dork." He’ll be remembered for his bullshit. And Jessica’s boobs. I hear they're all naturaAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.