Jose Canseco, Love Philosopher: Proprietor of the Hug Store

Jose Canseco, Love Philosopher: The true meaning of love

(... and hey, Deadspin: Jose was our self-help guru way before you jumped on the bandwagon)

Jose Canseco, Love Philosopher: How about a hug?

Jose Canseco, Love Philosopher: Words of wisdom ... and the cynical world responds

Jose Canseco, Love Philosopher: The continuing saga

Jose Canseco, Love Philosopher, Part II

Jose Canseco, Love Philosopher

Hey laaaaaadies ...

Jose's just looking for a 'holesome' midwest girl.

How sweet.

I think.

SCORPS GET NEW SKIP

Canseco to be player/manager

CANSECO NEWS ALERT: Jose Fails To Pass Jose's Twin Brother Off As Jose

Former slugger Jose Canseco skips boxing match, sends twin brother to Hard Rock event

Highlights:

Some 30 minutes before his bout against Billy Padden at the Passion nightclub at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino, it was discovered that the Canseco who was in South Florida ready to fight was not the same guy who hit 462 homeruns in the Major Leagues.

Damon Feldman, promoter of the celebrity boxing program, which also includes female boxing, had tell about 400 fans who had paid their tickets that there would not be a fight.

“We discovered the Canseco who showed up was Ozzie when he took off his shirt and didn’t have José’s tattoos on the biceps that appear in our advertising,” a Celebrity Boxing representative told El Nuevo Herald. The man said he did not want to be identified.

José Canseco did not respond to telephone calls.  

Also:

“We made him a transfer of $5,000 when we agreed on the fight,” the source said. “Hours before the fight Saturday, we issued a check for the remaining $5,000 in the name of José Canseco, and we delivered it to whom we thought was José Canseco. He declined it and asked that the check be made out to cash, which we did.

 Note to Jose: do not try this in Syracuse.

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me That Yankee World Champion JOSE CANSECO Appeared In Drag On Sunday's The Apprentice?

Read more >>

BREAKING NEWS: JOSE TO 'CUSE

Jose Canseco is coming to Syracuse - CNYcentral.com

The former American League MVP and controversial figure will sign autographs for fans on August 19th at the Chiefs' game against the Gwinnett Braves.

Everyone who reads this blog... everyone who writes this blog... I urge you to join me and World Champion Yankee Jose Canseco at Alliance Bank Stadium on 08.19.11! Let's even sit in the new, Yankee Stadiumesque Home Plate Club! Why the hell not? It's gonna be a huge day!

Mysterious "Max" revealed - and he says Canseco's a liar

According to Sports Illustrated, trainer Joseph Dion has come forward and claims to be "Max," the mysterious trainer/steroids dealer that Canseco (in his upcoming book) claims to have introduced A-Rod to.

One problem. Dion says Canseco's full of shit and a liar.

From an ESPN.com report: "That's really, really funny because I am the one person that hates steroids," Dion was quoted as saying. "I'm against it 100 percent. And, A-Rod, at the time that I trained him -- and this I swear to God -- was 100 percent against steroids. He was one of the hardest working guys, and most natural guy, that I've met in my life. He hated steroids. We talked about it."

Yeah, I know. Canseco's a liar? What a shocker.

And, clean or not, A-Rod still can't drive in a run in a clutch situation.

Shocking allegations to be made in Canseco's next book

The concluding chapter in his trilogy will offer some stunners...

1. Derek Jeter once remarked, "Fiddledee-dee! Why should I care about poor people!"
2. A-Rod’s computer password is "Jessica."
3. Curt Schilling keeps dirty paperback novels in his locker.
4. Roger Clemens wife owns a coat made from Dalmatian puppies.
5. Randy Johnson once asked him for directions to the street where his steroids dealer lives.
6. Gary Sheffield often asks guys what lottery number they intend to play – then he plays it himself!
7. Cal Ripken takes CDs from the local library, rips them and makes copies without paying.
8. Behind his back, Manny Ramirez calls David Ortiz "Big Fatty."
9. Once, at a pool party, Tom Glavine claimed the water was "perfect," when in fact, it was really cold.
10. Johnny Damon is a snitch. You can't trust him with a secret.

Jose Canseco: Speaking Truth to Hatred

Just in time for opening day, Ozzie Canseco’s twin brother, Jose, is cashing in his steroids fame for hosting the bash where his and Roger Clemens’ wife held a tit contest -- making him the biggest former celeb punch line since Zsa Zsa Gabor slapped the LA traffic cop.

In his new book: “Vindicated,” Jose says he hates, hates, absolutely hates Alex Rodriguez -- so deeply, so totally, so sincerely that he left A-Rod out of his first book, because, well, he hated him, hated him, hated him.

Godawmighty, he fukinay hates A-Rod!

“I hate your fucking guts,” Jose says, concluding a chapter devoted to hating A-Rod, with a direct statement to his imaginary reader, A-Rod -- a literary device borrowed from Ferris Buehler.

That’s hate. And it makes sense. After all, here’s a guy whose first book threw feces at every zookeeper in sight. Now, to his latest ghost writer, he blathers brand new, never-released allegations. It's like getting deleted scenes on Shrek 3. You thought you’d seen everything Jose could pump from his stomach, but he had some bile in reserve.

(Why the hatred? A-Rod coveted his wife, Jessica's future contest-winning boobs.)

It gets better. There’s a bizarre writing segment, like a dream sequence in an episode of “Friends,” where Jose – in a different font – includes excerpts of his “testimony” in a lie detector test. He claims to have introduced A-Rod to a steroids dealer. Apparently, the doofus thinks this excerpt proves he's telling the truth.

You know, in case someone – oh, I don’t know who – might doubt him.

This literary device dates back to Jack Abramoff.

OK… let’s try the Jose Canseco Literary Lie Detector:

Testing, one, two, three... OK, I have donned the shock collar, connected to the lie detector truth sequencer. If I tell a lie, I'll get a minor shock. Two plus two is threeAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Wow. That hurt.

OK. Ask a question. Fire away.

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH JOSE CANSECO?

Well, Jose Canseco is the only guy in the world that inspires you to defend A-Rod.

He gives evil twins a bad name. He’s a sociopathic schoolyard bully who, if he grew up in Iraq 40 years ago, would have roomed with Saddam.

He's the Orville Reddenbacker of innuendo. Because that’s his business these days. He sells the Jose Canseco line of name-brand bullshit.

"Vindication?" He should have titled it "Moby Dork." He’ll be remembered for his bullshit. And Jessica’s boobs. I hear they're all naturaAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.