CLOSING THE HOUSE THAT HOCKEY BUILT

Close Yankee Stadium with a hockey game! Of course! It’s brilliant. Thank you, Steven Hawkings.

It's so obvious! Batter’s box. Penalty box. Foul line. Blue line. Got that? It is high, it is far… GOAL! The Rangers win, thuuuuuuuh Rangers win!

WTF?

Our last stadium memory: Two French Canadians recreating A-Rod’s slap of Bronson Arroyo? That's like us watching Hef go out as a creepy, bathrobed Alzheimer-Viagra experiment. Did Cheney and Wolfowicz cook this up? Was Spitzer spewing ideas on Hooker Night?

Did anybody think a ballgame appropriate? Of course, not. It needs globality. It needs to pulsate. It needs vertical marketing.

Never fear: We at IT IS HIGH have a plan!

THE FINAL DAY OF YANKEE STADIUM: DEC 31, 2008

Noon. Celebrity Red Carpet. Throngs line up to oogle tight gowns, long legs, eye-popping cleavage from Hank, Hal, Cashman, Billy Crystal.

1-3 p.m. Stuffed Animal Hall of Yankees. Including “Moose Skowron," "Goose Gossage," "Billy Martin," "Mickey Mallard," Thurman Muskrat" and famed manager "Joe Turkey."

3 p.m. Magician David Blane. Dropping from airplane at 20,000 feet, without parachute or hang-glide gear, on home plate. Rickie Henderson to attempt snatch catch.

4 p.m. TV Evangelist Pat Robertson to break own all-time world human leg lift record.

5 p.m.: Dalai Lama speaks, tells fans they’ll come back as insects. Tells insects they’ll come back as fans. Not sure which represents upward mobility.

6 p.m.: Harlem Globetrotters. Instead of hapless Washington Generals, they play Knicks.

7 p.m. Disney’s High School Musical on Ice. (Special, for Redsock fans.)

8 p.m. Baby Boomer Nostalgia Yankee Concert Tribute to Princess Diana: Earth Wind & Yogi, Torre Amos, Dexy’s Midnight Reggies, Abba (featuring Joba), Wang Chung, the Red Hot Chili Davises, and special guest, the original cast of Jetermania!

Midnight: Dick Clark Rockin’ End of Era. Star of Bethlehem – sponsored by Budweiser – descends at stroke of midnight, with Dick himself doing the play-by-play. (Subtitled.)