Yankeexclusive: Transcript of Today's Farnsworth Suspension Hearing

Transcript of today’s appeal of Kyle Farnsworth’s three-day suspension for throwing at Mr. M. Ramirez in New York City on the night of April 17, 2008.

Place: Secret MLB Court, location undisclosed.

MLB COUNSEL: Please state your full name.

WITNESS: Kyle Lynn Farnsworth.

MLB: Lynn? (Chuckles.) That’s a girl’s name, isn’t it?

WITNESS: It’s bisexual.

MLB: You’re bisexual?

WITNESS: No. The name goes both ways.

MLB: (Chuckles.) Short for “Linda,” right?

WITNESS: Think of Lynn Swann.

MLB: Who’s she? (Chuckles.) OK, Kyle Lynn… Can I call you Kaylin? Caitlin?

DEFENSE LAWYER: I object! Your Honor, the counsel is badgering my client.

JUDGE: Overruled. Proceed, Counsel, I want to see where you’re going with this intriguing line of questioning.

MLB: Thank you, your Honor. Actually, it's simple:

I’m trying to establish that the defendant, Mr. Kyle Lynn Farnsworth, suffers from latent emotional insecurity, that he has a perilous self-image disorder, which keeps him from performing well, and that is the reason why he attempted to assault Mr. Manuel Ramirez with a baseball on the night of April 17, 2008.

Your Honor, this man, this sad man, deserves not only a three-day suspension but he -- or she -- also should be required to take Major League Baseball’s four-hour self-identity empowerment course, titled, “Hey, I’m Giuseppe Franco!”

WITNESS: I don’t have a hair-loss problem.

MLB: But you wear funny glasses.

WITNESS: I need them to see.

MLB: You hide behind them. You cringe from the world beneath them. OK, enough. Let’s get to it, Kyle Lynn. Why did you throw at Manuel Ramirez on the night in question?

WITNESS: My glasses were fogged. I couldn’t see.

MLB: You couldn’t see?

WITNESS: I thought he was Youkilis.

COUNSEL: You thought… but… this is... wait… you-

JUDGE: Youkilis? You thought it was Youkilis?

COUNSEL: Your Honor, this is-

JUDGE: You thought it was Youkilis. Why didn't you say so! Hitting Kevin Youkilis is a Yankee tradition, like retiring numbers and singing “New York, New York” after the game. Counsel, how dare you waste my time by bringing this charge against a young man who was merely trying to bean Kevin Youkilis. This man should not be prosecuted. This man should be praised. Case dismissed!