Yankeetorial: 2009... "Death by Books?"

To the Yankiverse...

The attack started with Joe's best-seller being flagged on every tabloid back page in captivity. Nobody emerged with his reputation intact. Not even Joe.

Now comes "The Rocket that Fell to Earth," a juicy book about juice that will enrapture Yank haters, capture Yank fans and plant in every player's cortex recognition of the Yankee 5th Amendment: Anything you say can and will be published against you.

You'll soon see replays of 2007, with cable TV hosts ranting about steroid abuse, then cutting away to ads for male enhancement products.

By May we'll have the Selena Roberts' 24-7 shock-and-awe campaign on Arod, the kind of reporting usually associated with Presidents and nutjob Supreme Court nominees. It won't stop there. Tell-all books sell, baseball fans read and nobody in sports is more loved and reviled than the Yankees.

It's coming, folks. Judgement Day. You won't see a blazing light in the sky or a 50-foot wave. But the winds are going to blow. It'll come in the form of a banner in Barnes & Noble, a smirk by Jim Rome, a gathering of reporters outside the team bus.

Brace yourselves, folks. It won't stop. We need to stay together. We need to stay focused. Move to the outskirts. Basically, all you need is food, water, a trailer, satellite dish and Lazy-Boy.

They're coming after us. We need a hero.

Cody Ransom, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. (Woo-woo-woo.)