Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Here you go, ladies and gentlemen, today's Win Warble ... sponsored by MLB Properties!!!!!
They must be laughing in the Kremlin today...
Not only did Rug Selig's suited predator drones take out the IT IS HIGH/Summer YouTube Beach Party, but now they're affecting Yankee team play itself. The Bombers -- demoralized by the Top Kill legal mechanisms that have now ended the WinWarble -- crumbled against Cleveland like a chunk of sidewalk chalk -- so Selig's used-car dealer/small market baseball owner fantasies can finally play out in the real world. Just like a reality TV show!
If MLB can destroy the Yankees -- through IIH, of course -- it will drive down the cost of free agency until Carl Crawford is earning less than a drive-thru automaton at Wendy's, and MLB will achieve NFL-like parity -- because let's face it, when it comes to paying the help, they're communists at heart.
ALSO: THANKS TO JOHN STERLING who gave us a shout-out yesterday in the 7th. He called our name. We'd play it for you, but for the MLB cone of silence.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I have been abused by strangers, and I want justice on your show.
The slimey, pennypinching copyright lawyers -- aw, hell, they're bastards, why call them anything else? -- the suited oily MLB bastards forced those free-speech jelly donuts at YouTube to censor my life's only valuable achievement, (beyond my invention of "the Talking Foreskin.): the WinWarble measurement index.
MLB HAS KILLED THE WINWARBLE MEASUREMENT INDEX.
Moreso, it has deleted discussions of John's favorite books, explanations about the impossibility of predicting baseball games and and the mash-ups, yes, Maury, the mash-ups -- even my Bruce Springsteen/John Sterling duet, which consisted of the final strains of "Born to Run" interspersed with John Sterling yelling "thuuuuuuh."
There must five seconds overall of Sterling's yell of Thuuuh.
Copyright infringement. YouTube apparently received a legal-BS letter on an MLB legal masthead, and the sissies caved in like a tent made of single-ply Kleenex. This is the future of free speech? Where's Rand Paul? Where's Saul Alinsky? Three seconds of "thuhhhh" -- why deny it, of course, it came from a Yankee broadcast -- is so sacred that -- in the context of parody, of satire, of humor -- MLB must exorcize it from the airwaves. WTF?
Maury, we're non-commericial. We're small. We do this for fun. Oh, hell, why bother continuing, Maury, here's the reality: MLB wasn't earning money from us, and it pays lawyers a lot of money... so...
Maury, we're counting on you. Bring us on your show.
Let thuuuuuuuuh people decide.
Friday, May 28, 2010
John Sterling can never be replaced (apparently), but now is the chance for this blog to find a new voice for all the Yankiverse, one to inspire the fans, motivate the players and carry on a great tradition. Send in your videos now!
1. Cruise municipal landfills for diseased rats to mate with.
10. Chase ambulances, because incapacitated victims might be wearing unlicensed MLB merchandise.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
The suits have finally discovered this site and, because there isn't a coin slot for them, there can be no more winwarbles, no more Sterling mash-ups, no more sounds. They have effectively killed every YouTube video we ever produced. Everything.
Oh well. Always knew this day would come.
Have to figure out something else to rile the waters and have fun. Any ideas?
Excuse me, but does this merry-go-round stop at Grand Central Station?
"At the end of five, nut'n, nut'n... honey."
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Yesterday's off-day/drinking day, scheduled to amplify our desperation, calls for updating the Yankee Seed Incubation Center, aka farm system. Not since that dude woke up in 28 Days Later to find the world dead and zombified has such an eye-opening visitation provoked stomach-clench terror. Jesus is being betrayed by his bat. Nobody is becoming a somebody. So we must eye the Yankee God of Dexterity, Pat Venditte, the famous switch pitcher, who may never see the candle light of Scranton's mines.
Yesterday, the AC-DC threw two innings in single A Tampa. No runs. No hits. One walk. One strikeout. His ERA is 2.31. This is his second season in Tampa. Last year, his ERA at Tampa was 2.21. Most prospects -- especially those from a dead and zombified system -- would get promoted. Not Venditte. He'll turn 25 next month. He's on track to reach NYC in 2027, moments ahead of the asteroid.
OK, truth: I have no clue whether Venditte can ever pitch in MLB. I am no scout. I must trust Yankee scouts. Apparently, they do not see Venditte as a super prospect. Otherwise, they would promote him. They must see a flaw. They must see something. I just see an ERA of 2.31.
But here's the fear: In their evaluations, are they comparing Venditte, the lefty, with all other lefties? -- and Venditte, the righty, with all the other righties? If so, he's toast. He must look hopeless. But... is that a fair appraisal? Nobody else on the planet throws professionally with both hands. You can't measure this guy with a radar gun. Way I seez it: There can be only one criteria for a guy like Pat Venditte: Results.
What more can he do in Tampa? Will he be cleaning the oil slick with both hands?
Monday, May 24, 2010
Washington _ In the wake of an ongoing disaster, the White House is asking why the New York Yankees have allowed their pitching staff to become BP.
"It's very distressing, their involvement with BP," Interior Secretary Ken Salazar said, adding that Yankee fans should not tolerate long-term ties. "We can't let BP continue the entire season."
Salazar did not say what remedy the government would offer, although Sen. Jim Bunning is said to be "stretching his pitch count" into the mid-twenties.
Then Mariano coughed.
Ever since, kaboom.
Conventional Wisdom says don't panic, it's May, we're in the hunt, we'll turn this around... etc.
Fuk that shit. Panic. Until Mariano is lights out again -- and the 900-pound Magilla in the room is Mariano's age -- we will flap and flounder.
Practically every slump in recent years has followed a Mariano failure. (Hell, 2002-2008 was a reaction to his blowing the 2001 Series.) Considering his 9th against the Mets Friday, no lead is safe. Nothing.
We might as well leave those runners in scoring position. The loss won't hurt so badly.
Soon, Granderson will return, Teixiera will hit, and Jeter will stop swinging at balls in the dirt. Won't matter. Until Mariano is lights out, we are screwed.
And if he does not return -- one day, the ship will sail and never come back to port -- well, this will be the year we channel Toronto.
So... panic. It doesn't matter. It's May -- that is, unless it's December.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Instead of TV critic, let's replace the words "Locke" and "Lost" with ... Joba!
Three whiffs, each a backbreaker. All we can do is play through. Juan Miranda is not an option. Jesus Montero is not an option. Whatever we have down in the mines, it's not an option.
Death is an option. But it's only May. Death in May is much too early.
What we need is a home and away series with Kansas City, sandwiching a tour of the National League Central. Hello, schedulemakers? Book a flight to KC!
JOHN: "THE YANKEES DON'T DESERVE TO WIN."
SUZYN: "SOME PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LINEUP ARE GETTING PAID A LOT OF MONEY, AND THEY'RE NOT DOING THE JOB."
JOHN: "THEY'RE SIMPLY NOT HITTING WITH RUNNERS IN SCORING POSITION. IT'S AMAZING."
SUZYN: "THE BOTTOM OF THE BATTING ORDER CANNOT CARRY THIS TEAM."
JOHN: "IT'S AMAZING."
Saturday, May 22, 2010
A few obvious remarks:
Allright you bastards, it's time for some old-fashioned, smart-ass, scientific blogging.
Is Kevin Russo the new Mariano?
Hoomph?, you ask Has el duque lost his Reeses Pieces, sitting at home and watching video of that underwater spill? No.
Kevin Russo finished 10th in the IL last year in hitting. He was one of the three guys in the top 10 under age 25. He stole 13 bases. He hit .326. And he had no position. He played everywhere. If Tim McCarver were writing this blog, he'd say Kevin did everything but sell tickets. Mwah-mwah-mwah. (Insert gunshot here.)
If Russo was in the Kansas City Royal Jellies, he'd have played half the season in the majors, probably starting in the infield. Hell, he'd be on their match covers. Do they have team match covers?
Ramiro Pena can field. Russo can hit.
OK -- in this 3D era (DH, that is: Thames, Jorge, Swish, the former Nick Johnson), these two guys are our bench.
And here is the evolution of our universal adaptors... Jerry Hairston replaced Wilson Betemit, who replaced Miguel Cairo, who replaced Enrique Sojo, who replaced Clay Bellinger, who replaced the ultiliy infielder who began this long Yankee run: Mariano Duncan.
Before Mariano Duncan, we were an entire team of utility players. (See Velardi, Randy.)
So the question is... can we win with 3 DHs and two all-purpose socket wrenches? And do we have a replacement for Mariano?
Friday, May 21, 2010
David Eckstein got hit by another pitch last night, bringing his career total to 139. That moves him into a tie for 26th place on the all time list with Chuck Knoblauch, but Eckstein has reached that total in 2 fewer seasons than Knoblauch. Dodgers rookie Carlos Monasterios delivered number 139, and he’s the first pitcher who’s more than 11 years younger than Eckstein to plunk him. Prior to this month, Eckstein hadn’t been hit by anyone more than 9 years younger than him, but his last 3 plunks have come from pitchers at least 9 years his junior.
John Sterling created a home run call for Juan Miranda ("JUAN GONE!")!
Curts Granderson updated his blog!
Boxing is returning to Yankee Stadium!
This New York YankeesTM 2009 World Series® Championship Carousel can be yours for five easy payments of $39.99!
1. One of these days, Brett Gardner will return to earth. He's good, solid -- but he's not a .330 hitter.
2. It's rare for Mariano blow two catastrophic saves in a row. And Joba has become predictably erratic.
3. Mark Teixiera seems genuinely spooked by defensive overshifts. Also, when a all-fields slugger suddenly becomes a dead-pull hitter, something's wrong. Last night, he just kept trying to drill the ball through the right side, and it's never going to work.
4. Every month, a new story flares between Arod and that Canadian doctor being probed for body-boosters. It's insane to think that, after his 2009 public confession, Arod would have dared use enhancers again. Is he channeling Tiger Woods?
5. Jorge out a month. Can Cervelli handle an everyday grind? He won't hit .400. What if he gets nicked? For two years now, we've been constantly told how our farm system is loaded at catcher. Chad Moeller? And then who?
6. Jeter looks old. He's not hitting. He'll break out, of course, but this could be an off-year. Let's face it: At his age, are they called "off-years?"
7. In his spring fling, Granderson showed little ability to hit lefties. Cashman's Nick Johnson acquisition is now a certifiable Cat-5 fiasco. We still don't know what we have in Granderson. But the lefty thing is distressing.
8. Tampa is real. Tampa is a team of hungry, seasoned, cocky players in their primes. They could win the division by 10 games. We may be battling for the Wild Card, while having to face Tampa, Boston and Toronto 16 times each. That, folks, is how Seattle makes the post-season.
9. Aside from Austin Romine, who won't contribute this year, none of our high ceiling prospects is breaking out. Jesus hasn't had a prayer at Scranton. Andrew Brackman looks a total bust. Slade Heathcott didn't make it to Charleston. Bradley Suttle is on track to reach the majors by age 29.
10. Big names will go on the block a month from now. Cashman will feel pressure to snag somebody. How much more can our depleted system lose?
Thursday, May 20, 2010
We are the Cadillac, the Anchor Steam Beer, the Pamela Anderson model breast implants, of modern pro athletic franchises. Our interlocking "NY" sets the standard for all overpriced logoed crapola, says Forbes, via the official Yankee government news agency, Yes:
The Yankees swapped spots with Manchester United, which fell to second on the list, just ahead of Real Madrid. In fact, five of the top seven franchises on Forbes' list were European soccer teams. The only other baseball teams to crack the top 10 were the Yankees' chief rivals: The Red Sox placed eighth, followed immediately by the Mets.
Hoist the flag high, Yankiverse. Our rightfielder may be Ramiro Pena. But that logo on his forehead is Orville Redenbacher.
4. In 2004, Chad became the first Milwaukee Brewer EVER to hit for the cycle at home!
5. In August of 2007, the Reds traded Chad to the Dodgers for "cash considerations!"
6. In 2008, the Yankees obtained Chad, released him, re-obtained him, dropped him, and then brought him back again!
7. Chad's last name is a homimym!
8. Chad's hominidal namesake -- the molar -- is considered the most complicated tooth in mammals. Adult mammals have 12 molars in groups of three in the back of the mouth. They are used for grinding food!
9. Human molars are known as the "maxillary first molars," "maxillary second molars," and "maxillary third molars." Considering that his is Chad's second year with the Yankees, he could be nicknamed "the maxillary second Moeller!"
10. Archbishop Moeller High School in Cinncinati has one of the nation's strongest athletic programs! Thus, John Sterling's signature home run call for Chad could be: "The Archbishop sure touched that ball!"
WELCOME HOME, CHAD!
From our 2008 flashback.... Because those who cannot remember history... are Met fans.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
He's hurt! That's what Team Terry claimed last night! Injury! Tweak! Pain! Where was Joe West! Where was Joe Buck! Where was Joe Lieberman! Oh, I'm hurt! Take me out! I just pulled something! My medulla oblongatta! Bring in a replacement! Rules? Don't tell me about rules! Can't you see the pain in my eyes? Get me a stretcher! Where's the ambulance! Where's the Commissioner! Where's the justice! THEY PULLED THE TARP OFF THE BULLPEN MOUND TWO PITCHES BEFORE HE CAME OUT! HOW PHONY CAN YOU BE! THEY HAD TO BE LAUGHING IN THE DUGOUT! HOW GULLIBLE CAN AN UMPIRING CREW BE? DO THE RULES MEAN NOTHING? NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE! NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE! MOCKERY OF THE GAME! HAVE THEY NO SHAME? THIS MUST NOT PASS! NAY UNTO ALL YEE WHO WOULD SUBMIT TO THIS INJUSTICE, FOR I SAY THERE SHALL BE A BETTER WAY UNTO THE TRUTH OF BASEBALL, AND WE SHALL NEVER SUBMIT TO DECEIT AS A FORM OF SPORTSMANSHIP, AND WE SHALL NEVER SUBMIT TO THIS MOCKERY OF THE GAME! DO YOU HEAR ME, WORLD? MOCKERY OF THE GAME!
This aint over. That's all I'm sayin.
This. Aint. Over.
Screw Keanu. We need Michael Rennie. It's time to speak the words:
"Klaatu barada nikto!"
"Fire in the hole!"
"Houston, we have a problem!"
"Call up Bobby Meachem!"
"This call to the bullpen is sponsored by Transatlantic and BP. Let's destroy something... togethahhhhh!"
Two old, wretched teams, both gushing fluid from gaping holes in their buttocks. In the end, we won the meltdown contest. Sure, we can blame the injuries, or we can blame the wind, or we can blame the absurdly incompetent fielding of Marcus Thames -- (how does a fringe player let his fielding deteriorate so badly; every pop fly is a story by Neil Gaiman!) -- but we have been put on alert:
No lead is safe.
"Klaatu barada nikto!"
Our bullpen cannot hold back the oil. The Hot Club Time Machine's been set to 2006, and we're reliving Tanyon and Proctor. This is our dirty little secret: Mariano is human. Jeet is old. Jorge is brittle. Andy is - well - God won't save him forever. "Klaatu barada nikto!"
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Last night, Javy walked in, struck out Youkilis, and we won the game.
OK, everybody, Alternative Universe time:
It's Oct. 20, 2004, game seven, top of the second. Kevin Brown -- the Yankee Clown -- gave up 2 in the first, and he's loaded the bases with one out. Here comes Javy -- pitching to You-Know-Who: Johnny Damon (nowadays replaced by "Marcus Thames;" now there's an interesting switch from last night, eh?)
Instead of giving up the Damon grand slam, Vazquez offers last night's strike out. (OK, in a cosmic trade situation, that means last night he gave up a 3-run homer to Youk.)
At this point, everything progresses, just as it did...
Mark Bellhorn, walks, forcing in a run. Manny pops out. Score 3-0.
In the fourth, Vazquez gives up a 2-run HR, then is yanked. We're down 5-1.
Final score: 7-3. We lose.
Conclusion: Javy... you're not off the hook yet.