Saved again! Humankind finds new antidote to world problems: Brinksmanship!

In recent weeks, the NFL and Congress have proven to the world that humanity never needs to act early on its problems. Wait until the last second - the very last second - and you'll cut a better deal. Hey, it's humankind's schztick, our signature way of handing Armageddon.

And there's no better test market to practice brinksmanship on than Earth. After all, we are only doing this for our grandchildren, right? So let's push the plunger and watch Mother Nature blink.

Melting polar ice caps. If we cave early, she'll think she owns us. Hell with that. When Florida is underwater, then we'll negotiate. Until then, burn the coal and head for higher ground, people. Just watch out for the snakes.

Ocean life. Those goddam whales want to run America. Screw those fatcat, flute-sirened blowhards. Let them compromise, not us. After a few months of swimming in plastic grocery bags, they'll be willing to cut a better deal. And let's throw overboard the Indian Ocean and call it payback for 9/11. Save the whales? Hell no. Save our deficits.

Nuclear waste. Every few thousand years, our problem gets cut in half. We can out-wait it. No need to rush.

Global warming. We don't need scientists. We've got the esteemed world climatologist Glenn Beck. Maybe we'll think about negotiating when Phoenix is under a yard of dust, and New York City is hosting Super Bowls.

Drinking water.What's with all this crap about hydrofracking?  Last we looked, the grocery store had a whole stack of Aquafina cases, and the price was damn reasonable. If we wait, and just keep blowing up the underground, the earth will cave, and we'll come out on top!