Thursday, September 15, 2011

Jammed thumb or broken heart: Was "Bad Teacher" Diaz bad juju for Arod?

According to the Internet, Arod and Cameron "Vanilla Sky" Diaz have become, as the kids on MTV say, "unplugged." Actually, I thought this happened months ago. She's like Roy Orbison: You thought he's dead, then hear he just died. And now she's hanging with Sarkozy?

Arod's best seasons came while married to the shrink. Ever since he started hiking the Appalachian Trail of strip clubs, nookie gyms and Satanic Hollywood beastmaster covens, he's suffered more scowls than Tom Coughlin. Let's go to the videotape, er, screenshot:


2004-07 (Outlined in Red box): Family man. A-Dad. Obviously, the horror of historic 2004 playoffs meltdown to Redsocks caused the marriage to collapse and sent him searching for love in all the wrong places. Nevertheless, statistically solid years.

2008 (Purple): Madonna. Dropped 19 HRs and 53 RBIs. This was always doomed. Let's face it: This could have been worse. I expected to find Arod hanging from a shower nozzle on some 0-15 road trip. This was his greatest threat.

2009 (Orange): Kate Hudson. Decent year, king of the playoffs. He seemed to find harmony. Was it the fear of being beaten by Kurt Russell?

2010 (Not sure): Breakup with Kate, sifting through resumes, finally settling on Cameron.

2011 (Green): Diaz. Multiple injuries. On-off relationship has taken toll. He will end the season with less than 20 HRs.

The hope: Somewhere out there is the woman who can lift Arod through October. We've made no secret of whom it is. He must defrock the "Fever Pitch" lady from that Jimmy Fallon abomination, and once for all, end the national and personal nightmare that began in 2004.

Her.

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