Veteran IIHIIFIIc readers know by now that whenever someone mixes the pungent smell of urine with the eighth-grade flirtations of John and Suzyn - well - I need to go sit my babymaker in a bucket of salted ice water. Yowzer. Saturday's sex video in Yankee Stadium certainly beats posted nippletalia from that middle school floozy who played Harry Potter's wet dreams in the movies, and let's be kind here: It totally tops anything the French plan for those royal Harry and Kate Bush photos during their fancy secret peekaboo getaway. Dammit, this is Bob Gamere-level epic. This is Iron Horse, Donny Baseball, Clipper, Scooter, Melky and Moose. This is the House that Ruth Thrilled.
Listen: This is how super generations of Yankee fans get made. It's like in the scary movie, when you finally learn why Jason is Jason. (Turns out, he was conceived during a devil-possessed Sidney Ponson start.) So when news broke Sunday about new park's first sex video - it's roughly three innings of humping in a left-field men's room, framed by the concrete majesty of Rudy Giuliani's field of dreams, and punctuated by the witty comments you'd expect from the William F. Buckleys and Norman Mailers who are nearby peeing - well - I had to feel better about our chances against the jolly old Tampa Bee Stings.
We at IIHIIFIIc have advanced many scientific theories of how Yankee games are won not by the players, but through the Rizzutonic emmissions generated by fans who perform certain acts during each contest. For the most part, this "juju" has been PG-rated, (Parental Guidance advised, due to adult language and expressions of violent themes - usually from Alphonso.) But others have now raised juju to a higher - and certainly more potent - level.
Make no mistake: If the Yankees win the 2012 world championship, this mystery couple belongs in Cooperstown, or at least Oneonta. Mr. and Ms. CC already deserve a bronze hologram in the Yankee Fan Hall of Fame - up there with the Libyan guy who plugged Gaddafi, the one who gave back Jeet's 3,000 hit, and the hero who set the tacks on Ed Whitson's driveway.
These days, it's rare to find a man and woman willing to hump the extra mile to win a ballgame. Three innings! That's a Freddy Garcia complete game! Considering how Yankee hitters choke with runners on base, it's nice to know that at least someone in Rudy's money pit knows how to score from third.
Bravo! o ye pioneers of porno juju! From now on, whenever John says "safe and secure," I may have to get out a bag of frozen peas.