Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Yankeetorial: After last night's debacle, the Yankees need another juju-creating sex tape

I think it was Eugene V. Debs who said, "Desperate Yankee losses cry out for desperate Yankee measures," and last night's brain-gouging Yankee defeat by the Host Twinkies - in another era - would have sent 10 Bobby Meachems to Columbus lashed onto the back of an open-air flatbed.  When you waste a) a great outing by Phil Hughes, b) a home run by Andruw Jones and c) a clutch September at bat by Nick Swisher... well, you have done permanent psychic damage to your fan base. And that's how the Yankiverse feels this morning: Hungover, bruised and abused.

WTF happened? Just days ago, we stood gorged and erect, skipping to work, humming Broadway show tunes, and tinkering in our basements with electrified Lionel train locomotives that rammed happily through model mountain tunnels. Hakuna Mutata! Don't Cry for Me, Argentina!  Oooooh-kahoma where the wind comes rushing down the playyyyyyyn....  Dammit, we were on a roll, a 7-game roll, which came on the heels - or I should say - knees of the first-ever Yankee Stadium sex video, conceived in a left field bleachers rest room and disseminated, like all modern discourse, on the World Wide Warp. And who knows, 20 years from now, the child conceived in that tape would become the greatest all-time Yankee, the ultimate dividend!

My friends, we were high on juju - the bath salts of Yankee fandom.

Keep in mind, that this web site staged three International Juju Interventions this year. The first was a rousing success: The team eventually went 20-6.  The second halved the first: We went 10-6.  The third was a disaster. We won one game. You can go to the pickle jar once too often. 

We cannot stage another Intervention, not until the playoffs. But let the clarion call be sounded to Yankee fans everywhere:

It's time for another sex tape!

Take to the streets! Take to the rest rooms! Take to the subways and bus stations!

Now is the time to tape one for the team!

Now, yes, OK, I know... this is asking a lot. For starters, it takes two to tango. You can't do it yourself - well - maybe you could, but let's not.  But this is a worthy cause. I know for a fact that Alphonso and Mustang have been girding their loins for years, imagining themselves in a Yankee Stadium sex tape. Until now, I advised them against it: They might bring ill repute upon this site... and cost the Yankees a valuable ballgame!

But now, in the aftermath of the left field juju boink bounce, it's time to unleash the Hounds of Hughesville, the Kims and Kanyes of Yankeetown.  Folks, we need a couple heroes. They won't come from the bullpen. They won't come from the heart of the order. They won't come from the dugout. They're going to have to come from the Yankiverse.

Eight games left. Who's in?


The Writing on the Wall said...

The problem is obvious. The Yanks are in Minnesota, home of the "wide stance," a bathroom-stall tacic that clearly interferes with the good juju of the Yankee Stadium humpa-humpa. The fact that the Yankees managed to win a game here with so much evil in the air is amazing.

el duque said...


I once devoted a poem to it.

When pooping next to Larry Craig
Beware his outstretched, hairy leg.
You’d best assume a new position,
When he taps on your stall partition.

When pleading next to Larry Craig,
Ignore the outcome he might beg.
He might assume a new position,
And call your court an inquisition.

When running next to Larry Craig,
Forgive him if he lays an egg.
When he assumes a new position,
It’s just the GOP tradition.

Alphonso said...

I'm going to do it at a Sparks game in LA, thinking about a Sparks player who is a devoted Yankee fan.