Yesterday, as their Yankees were defeating the Royals of Kansas City, John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman took listeners on a journey to the untruths of Tinsel Town, with a spontaneous review of the movie "Moneyball."
Because the movie came out after 1957, John refuses to watch it. But Suzyn was far from impressed. It's a good thing the Captain returned, or the mere memory would have put a blight upon an otherwise fine afternoon.
Spoiler alert: In the movie, Carlos Pena gets traded.
Friday, July 12, 2013
"Bored to death:" Suzyn Waldman pans Moneyball
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5 comments:
Suzyn, you faithless tramp! I thought we had something special, something lasting. But, I end up on the DL and you start raving about Jonah Hill. Again. You swore to me it was over with Jonah. You've been seeing him again, haven't you? He's been smearing cocoa butter on you and caressing your firm body with his monstrous loofah. How could you, you, you HARLOT!
Moneyball is the "Citizen Kane" of small-market baseball business movies that discuss Carlos Pena trades.
I told the producers and the director over and over how they could have improved this movie. Like the scene in Fenway. I suggested that the John Henry charater should suddenly freeze into a chrysalis while he's talking to Brad Pitt. Then the John Henry chrysalis splits open and a giant bug (3 eyes, claws, etc) emerges. The monster insect then eats Brad Pitt with one gulp, descends into Fenway and makes a huge ant hill around second base. I had other really good ideas, too, like including gratuitous adolescent sex scenes in the Oakland Athletics dugout. But I'm an actor, and directors don't know how to take constructive criticism. But that's water under the bridge. I'm getting ready to star in a remake of "Nightmare on Elm Street". How do you start a chainsaw? Is there a button or do I just pull this cord? Do you have Suzyn Waldman's phone number?
How are they playing tonight? It's raining here. Really raining. This is bizarre.
It's like watching YES through a hazy scrim. Wtf?
If Judy Garland had played first, The Master would have cared...he'd have watched; he'd have hoped; he'd have stayed up early thinking things like, "Garland hits it to the far land! Oh Judy, you cutie! Follow the third-base path home! she's off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of runs! And the Yankees take the lead, two to one!"
Somewhere, John is watching a movie and thinking of a homer call for Clara Bow. Or George Jessel. Or somebody dead.
Good thing "Moneyball" sucks; its suckiness affords so many other things to think about.
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