Yankeetorial: One run per game: Let's call them the Bronx Unibombers

A device by official scorers erases the meaningless stolen base in the meaningless final inning of a blowout. It's called "Defensive Indifference," when the runner jogs to second, untouched. I think the Yankees lead the league in DI's, because they're always behind and seriously indifferent.

I propose a new definition: Offensive Indifference. Thus, when a career bum like Jeremy Guthrie throws seven innings of one-run ball, it will not lower his ERA, because it was done against the '13 Yankees, the sorriest collection of hitters since 1969.

Last night, I turned on the game 15 minutes late and was horrified - mortified! - to find the team down 2-0. It was like a two-goal lead in soccer. Two f---g runs? Why bother watching? This team can't score three runs, unless it's a wind-blown shoot-out, a hurricane maybe, in which our pitching staff will likely give up ten.

This is what the end of time looks like. This is a Yankee team so filled with castoffs that I don't bother to learn full names of newcomers. That new infielder, Cruz? I don't care to know his first name. I'm not even going to look up the spelling for the firstbaseman we signed yesterday, whom we played and then embarrassed by pinch-hitting for him. As best as I can see, it was just a trick to get another guy to shave. He'll be gone by the weekend. We're like those thugs who chase down Amish gentlemen and cut off their beards. He'll be gone by the weekend. Why get close?

With the 2013 Yankees, the only stabilizing factor is the ownership, which makes me want to cry. Hal and Hank must be adored by other owners, considering all they have done to destroy the Yankee brand. It's as if Ohio State football decided to shrink its program to improve the rivalry with Northwestern. Our quest for the $189 million payroll remains paramount, and - who knows? - maybe MLB will reward us by creating another round of Wild Card playoffs? As it is, you can be a few games over .500 and still be in the race by September.

Soon, Cashman will trade for some new, burnt-out version of Vernon Wells and Travis Hafner, the pop-up twins who - as likeable as they are personally - are the most wretched 4th and 5th hitters in the game. Lately, Wells has scratched out a few singles; you'd think it was the second coming of Yasel Puig. Hafner kills rallies like a gallon of Round-Up poured a rose. Last night, we had the tying runs on base in the eighth with our 4th and 5th batters coming to the plate, and hope drained from the park like water swirling down a toilet.

Hafner hit a DP ball. He should have been called out. The YES-Mo cameras showed the ump blew the call. That allowed Wells to drive a ball into the ground. Had there not been two outs, he would have netted the DP.

This is the worst Yankee batting order I can remember. You have to go back to 1969 to find such a collection.

What's amazing is that we're still in the race. But Boston is disappearing from view, and everything else is an illusion created by the second Wild Card. We are fighting for the chance to play a one-game series in another city, with our "ace" being the 180-pound CC Sabathia, Cy Young on SlimFast. Good luck, folks. One run per game. The Bronx Unibombers. Excuse me, I need to wretch.