Cano returns, Mariners tank, Yankees heal, Rays roll on... meaninglessly

Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to Seattle: May they always play against us! (Until mid-September, when they actually play against us.)

Right now, the Sub-Mariners stand as our great Farmers Insurance policy against an armageddon-outahere meltdown. (They know a tank or two, cuz they seen a tank or two.) Over the last seven days, Seattle's version of the Baby Bombers - Seager, Zunino, Gordon and Maybin - have produced seven hits, altogether. That's 7 for 75. Do the math. They're in Greg Bird-with-sore-foot territory. While the Yankees were sagging like a botched boob job, the Mariners - celebrating the return of Joggie Cano, Seattle's power link to Beyonce - have face-planted to the point of actually glimpsing Tampa Bay in the rear view mirror. The Rays have won five straight and pulled within five games of Seattle, in the quest to become the AL's second top also-ran - the also, also ran. 

If this were a perfect narrative, I'd now report that Joggie - my personal voodoo doll for life - has shat porcupines since returning from MLB drug suspension and gonadal tweakery. Not so. In the last week, Jogginson has gone 8-27 (.296) with a home run and four RBIs. You know... somewhere out there is a Yankiverse where he did the right thing, stayed in New York, and is now living happily ever after. That world is so far gone that it no longer can be contemplated with computer models. Robbie is 35, transitioning to 1B, with five years left on a leviathan contract of $24 M per season. He'll play to age 40. We didn't dodge a bullet. We dodged a mortar. 

But Adam Lind didn't, when he jumped ship in June, ditching the Yankees to sign with the Redsocks. At 34, and chasing a major league slot, Lind surely saw more opportunity in Boston than with the Empire, which had the emerging Mr. Bird returning to claim his future plaque in Monument Park. What a miscalculation. These days, Bird is on the critical list, getting razzed by Tyler Austin's dad, and Lind is buried in Pawtucket, disillusioned and hitting .216 with 8 homers. 

I can't help but think that if Lind had stayed in Moosic (his home town), he'd now be with the mother ship - or sure for a September callup - and there would have been no need to trade Chasen Shreve and Giovanni Gallegos for the irrelevant Luke Voit. It probably wouldn't have mattered. But once again, when the juju gods dictate our fate, you gotta give them credit: They have a sense of humor. Just wish the joke isn't always on us.