Yankees replace bench coach. Wow.

News from the Death Star: 

Carlos Mendoza will replace Josh Bard as Yankee bench coach.

Wow. I mean, wow. Words, I mean, they are not... wow.

This is bigger than big, huger than huge. The universe has tweaked a gonad. No more Josh Bard? It's hard to imagine. A new bench coach. So... instead of hearing, "WAYTAGO, GLEYBER!" it'll be, "SWINNNNNGAH, BATTACH!" Instead of, "UMP, YOU SUCK!" we'll hear, "STICK IT IN HIS EAR, AROLDIS!"

A new bench coach. Wow.

Okay, I'd like to issue an IT IS HIGH challenge unto the Yankiverse: 

What. Does. A. Bench. Coach. Do?

I'll give $5.00 - yep, five crisp U.S. dollars - to anyone who can tell me WTF a bench coach does. What does he do, aside from slap hineys and ask questions such as, "Hey, Gio, think ya can play today?" 

A new bench coach. Wow. Long overdue. In the playoffs, our bench-coaching fell apart. From the git-go, Houston out-bench-coached us. There's no reason why the Yankees shouldn't have the best bench coaching money can buy. You know what they say, you never have enough bench-coaching.

So, let me get this straight. A pitching coach coaches pitchers, right? A hitting coach coaches hitters. So, the bench coach coaches the bench? If so, what are the metrics for deciding success? The number of splinters plucked from the butt cheeks of the Next Men Up? 

Wait a minute. I've been missing the point. The bench coach directs the defense. "YO, EVERYBODY, REMEMBER THERE'S TWO OUTS!" Or, "WATCH OUT FOR THE STEAL!" The bench coach is the consigliere, the analytical brain, the human supercomputer, the psychological wizard, who knows exactly what buttons to push, and who always has the manager's ear. "Psst, Boonie, what if we throw a pitch out?" Or, "OOH-OOH! JUMPIN' JEHOVASAT! LET'S LAY DOWN A BUNT!"

The bench coach. Does he count pitches? Does he carefully click his clicker on on each throw, resisting the urge to click the clicker until each pitch has been thrown? Does he take pride on never missing a pitch? 

Boonie: "What's the pitch count?"

Bench Coach: "He's up to 64, sir. The next will be 65." 

The bench coach. Does he do laundry? Does he razz the umps? Does he remember birthdays? Can he fix cellphones? Does he yell, "COME ON, THREE RUNS TO TIE, FOUR TO WIN!"

The bench coach. We have a new one. This is exciting. Wow.

Final note. Yesterday, Brian Cashman said: 

“Of course we're going to talk to Strasburg. We'll talk to Cole. We'll talk to the higher-end guys, clearly, and have conversations there. We'll also talk about some surprise guys, I'm sure. … It's going to take two to tango, so we'll see where it takes takes us. It's hard to predict. But of course, anybody would have an interest in players like that.”

I hereby refuse to take part in Yankee disinformation campaigns. I will not carry their water. The Yankees have absolutely no intention of signing Cole or Strasburg, or anybody in their price range. We all know this. Hal is too cheap, and he can blame Jacoby Ellsbury. So I request that we not buy into this campaign of deceit. What we have is a new bench coach.