Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Yankees replace bench coach. Wow.

News from the Death Star: 

Carlos Mendoza will replace Josh Bard as Yankee bench coach.

Wow. I mean, wow. Words, I mean, they are not... wow.

This is bigger than big, huger than huge. The universe has tweaked a gonad. No more Josh Bard? It's hard to imagine. A new bench coach. So... instead of hearing, "WAYTAGO, GLEYBER!" it'll be, "SWINNNNNGAH, BATTACH!" Instead of, "UMP, YOU SUCK!" we'll hear, "STICK IT IN HIS EAR, AROLDIS!"

A new bench coach. Wow.

Okay, I'd like to issue an IT IS HIGH challenge unto the Yankiverse: 

What. Does. A. Bench. Coach. Do?

I'll give $5.00 - yep, five crisp U.S. dollars - to anyone who can tell me WTF a bench coach does. What does he do, aside from slap hineys and ask questions such as, "Hey, Gio, think ya can play today?" 

A new bench coach. Wow. Long overdue. In the playoffs, our bench-coaching fell apart. From the git-go, Houston out-bench-coached us. There's no reason why the Yankees shouldn't have the best bench coaching money can buy. You know what they say, you never have enough bench-coaching.

So, let me get this straight. A pitching coach coaches pitchers, right? A hitting coach coaches hitters. So, the bench coach coaches the bench? If so, what are the metrics for deciding success? The number of splinters plucked from the butt cheeks of the Next Men Up? 

Wait a minute. I've been missing the point. The bench coach directs the defense. "YO, EVERYBODY, REMEMBER THERE'S TWO OUTS!" Or, "WATCH OUT FOR THE STEAL!" The bench coach is the consigliere, the analytical brain, the human supercomputer, the psychological wizard, who knows exactly what buttons to push, and who always has the manager's ear. "Psst, Boonie, what if we throw a pitch out?" Or, "OOH-OOH! JUMPIN' JEHOVASAT! LET'S LAY DOWN A BUNT!"

The bench coach. Does he count pitches? Does he carefully click his clicker on on each throw, resisting the urge to click the clicker until each pitch has been thrown? Does he take pride on never missing a pitch? 

Boonie: "What's the pitch count?"

Bench Coach: "He's up to 64, sir. The next will be 65." 


The bench coach. Does he do laundry? Does he razz the umps? Does he remember birthdays? Can he fix cellphones? Does he yell, "COME ON, THREE RUNS TO TIE, FOUR TO WIN!"

The bench coach. We have a new one. This is exciting. Wow.

Final note. Yesterday, Brian Cashman said: 

“Of course we're going to talk to Strasburg. We'll talk to Cole. We'll talk to the higher-end guys, clearly, and have conversations there. We'll also talk about some surprise guys, I'm sure. … It's going to take two to tango, so we'll see where it takes takes us. It's hard to predict. But of course, anybody would have an interest in players like that.”

I hereby refuse to take part in Yankee disinformation campaigns. I will not carry their water. The Yankees have absolutely no intention of signing Cole or Strasburg, or anybody in their price range. We all know this. Hal is too cheap, and he can blame Jacoby Ellsbury. So I request that we not buy into this campaign of deceit. What we have is a new bench coach. 

20 comments:

13bit said...

Yes...BUT...Zim was the secret sauce behind the last dynasty. Just saying...

JM said...

They should change the title of bench coach to assistant manager. That would at least describe what he's doing...or should be doing. Which doesn't matter if the manager doesn't listen to him.

Why does it have to be a guy? Why not somebody like, I don't know, Suzyn? Wouldn't she make a great second in command? And it gets her so much closer to the locker room. Like, in it.

Wait, does this make the bench the new Mendoza line? I'm confused.

Meanwhile, Hal's daddy issues guarantee another cheapskate winter. "I'll show him!" said little Hal...and one day...

13bit said...

Exactly, JM, exactly: "I'll show him." Those 40 year old vows are the only thing that matter in the end, aren't they?

I think the bench coach should be the living repository of baseball wisdom, they guy who sits there and whispers the un-whisperable in the ear of a guy like Torre when the latter is catatonic, enjoying the smell of his own farts while the infield is infested with flying bugs. The bench coach should be someone who played baseball before every last asshole was a millionaire, someone old enough to demand that the locker room guys keep an extra doughnut pillow around - JUST IN CASE his ancient wife forgot to pack his in the old leather satchel.

Our new one is probably going to exist mainly to relay stats and moves to Boone, who had one good at-bat in his entire life.

Anonymous said...

Bench coaches serve a number of functions:

In the case of the Yankee dynasty Torre was the manager of the clubhouse but Zim was the field general.

In the case of an earlier dynasty (Billy Martin) the bench coach was a drinking buddy

The bench coach is a different set of eyes. Sometimes the only eyes like when Fox Sports interviews the manager DURING a game. Because fans DEMAND that kind of behind the scenes stuff. Like when Boone says, "yeah CC is pitching well" or that Judge has been swinging well and it was only a matter of time until he hit one out." Riveting!

The bench coach used to say things like, "Catfish looks a little tired out there should I warm some one up?"

This new one will say," Mashiro has thrown 13 splitters to right handed batters today, according to Next Gen Stats provided by AWS he should throw a change up. Should I signal to Sanchez?"

Do I get the $5? I would like to buy a crossandwhich.

Doug K.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Yeah, 13bit, I remember hearing that all the time: Don Zimmer, an idiot in Boston, had somehow turned into a wise old sage while serving as bench coach in New York.

I didn't question the logic. I bought into it, too, thinking that's just the way things go for your New York Yankees. Like the old, baseball folk tradition that supposedly mediocre guys from elsewhere got much better when they put on the pinstripes.

Then I read how Joe Torre was about to put in Ramiro Mendoza for the 8th inning of Game 7 in Phoenix, in 2001. And why not? Mendoza had had a very good season, was usually lights out in October for us, and in 2 2/3 innings pitching against the Snakes he had allowed all of one lousy single.

It would be the way it had gone all Series. The middle relievers brought it to The Great One, whose stats were still very good but dropped dramatically when he was forced to pitch two or more innings.

But Zim stopped him.

Sim the reborn genius told Joe, "No, no go with your best!"

Because, of course, a pitcher going twice as long as he usually does, at the end of a long, exhausting season and a long, exhausting postseason is just as good as if he goes one inning.

Of course.

After that I stopped believing in Zim the Genius. And base coaches in general.

Anonymous said...

Hoss,

Maybe you are right but...

If Zimmer wasn't the bench coach it would have been St. Joe Torre thrown to the ground by Pedro. A man who was fighting cancer should not be fighting Pedro! Zimmer is a hero.

My understanding is that he fought another Pedro as well when leading the charge up San Juan Hill as TR's bench coach.

As an aside, NextGen Stats provided by AWS says that there are only three jokes in this missive (33% snark) lowering my JPM (Jokes Per Missive) to 7.2 for the off season.

However, because of the short length of the reply my JPS (Jokes Per Sentence)is now up to an astounding 86.3%.

Doug K.

ranger_lp said...

From Bryan Hoch:

#Yankees coaching changes...

In: Matt Blake (pitching), Tanner Swanson (catching/quality control)

Out: Josh Bard (bench), Jason Brown (catching), L Rothschild (pitching)

Staying: M Harkey (bullpen), C Mendoza (bench), P Nevin (3B), Marcus Thames (hitting), Reggie Willits (1B)

Unknown said...

Fully Operational Dollar Store

Anonymous said...

I CHUCKLED THIS MORNING...

WATCHING ESPN, IT SCROLLED BY ON THE LOWER SCREEN....

....BRIAN CASHMAN IS "INTERESTED IN GERRIT COLE AND STEPHEN STRASBURG, AND PLANS TO TALK TO BOTH OF THEM."

HILARIOUS.

TALKING IS FREE!

JimmyEatsHotDogs said...

Bench Coach....... Hey Boonie you want your coffee black or sugar and cream?

Bench Coach ...... Where is your luggage? We got a West Coast flight tonight!

Boonie ..... It's all good.... hey is Stanton warmed up to PH?

Bench Coach .... Hell if I know last I saw of him he was leaving weight room combing his mullet.

Alphonso said...

It takes a village.

ranger_lp said...

Is one of those surprise guys Ellsbury? Are they going to extend Ells?

Anonymous said...

My question to all of you is...

Is there a reasonable trade that you think Brain Cashman should make this off season that will really help?

Reasonable, as in doable, no Jacoby for Walker Buehler type stuff (Unless the Dodgers want to do that. I'm totally good with it. They should do that!)

Seriously. Anybody have any good ideas? You know someone in the Yankee front office reads this blog. Let's help them out.

Doug K.

Ceeja said...

Looks like second tier free agents is the best we can hope for. I've seen a lot of odorizzi and hope they sign him. Very solid, smart pitcher.

Ceeja said...

Looks like second tier free agents is the best we can hope for. I've seen a lot of odorizzi and hope they sign him. Very solid, smart pitcher.

TheWinWarblist said...

Hey look at this! Turns out the Astros are a big bunch of cheaters. Who would've guessed?

https://www.espn.com/mlb/story/_/id/28066522/ex-astros-pitcher-mike-fiers-team-stole-signs-camera

ranger_lp said...

Hey Winnie....a cheater never wins and a winner never cheats...

13bit said...

He may have been an idiot in Boston, but the drinking fountain water in Yankee Stadium did its magic. I actually think it's like the Beatles - chemistry, sum greater than the parts, etc. Zim was at the top of his game on that team. Torre is the one I stopped believing in.

HoraceClarke66 said...

I did like Zim, and I loved his charge on Pedro. That thing with the helmet in the dugout after Knoblauch's foul ball hit him was hilarious.

ALL-CAPS, can't he be interested in Cole and Strasburg as people? Maybe he just wants to be friends, he doesn't have to go all the way and sign them!

Carl J. Weitz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.