Sunday, September 27, 2020

Virtual Baseball: TIED!!! Yanks Ruin Pitching Rotation for Playoffs, Throw Cole Train at Rays! Win on Suicide Squeeze! Commissioner to Investigate.

 From the lost computer of HoraceClarke66...

Blatantly defying GM virtual Brain Cashman today, Yankees manager Ma Boone went ahead and threw Gerrit Cole against Tampa Bay—and Cole responded like an ace, pitching a five-hit shutout for his astonishing fifth complete game of the season, while striking out 12.

 

The Rays responded with their own ace, Blake “Romantic” Snell, who pitched five shutout innings of his own. But hoping to maintain the integrity of their rotation for the playoffs, the Elasmobranchii pulled Snell for their usual, depthless array of interchangeable relief pitchers.

 

They also shut down the Yanks with ease until the ninth inning, when TB reliever Aaron Loupgarou walked Aaron Hicks. Loupgarou was replaced by the Krillsuckers’ closer, Nick Anderson, but Hicks managed to steal second and advance to third on a grounder by Luke Voit. 

 

The very next batter, D.J. LeMahieu, despite leading the American League in batting, promptly stunned the ground and Sabremetricians everywhere by laying a perfect, suicide squeeze bunt between the pitcher’s mound and first base, as Hicks stormed home.

 

“Why, it was as if they planned it out beforehand!  With-with signals and everything!” fumed an astonished Commissioner Rob ManfredvonRichtofen. “This sort of madness has to stop.”

 

“How is this happening???” Cashman was heard to wail in the owner’s box, as he banged his Eagler Protection Helmet repeatedly against a wall. “Careful statistical analysis inveighs against it!”

 

The win left New York and Tampa Bay tied, with just one game remaining in the 2020 regular season. And strangely enough, both teams seem to want it.

 

“One day more,” Ma Boone commented after the contest today. “Another day, another destiny, this never-ending fight with Tampa Bay. This team that seems to never die will surely come again and try.”

 

Meanwhile, longtime Yankees creature Lonn Trost denied that the seats within the team’s Legends Luxury Moat were even more empty than usual for today’s game.

 

“Actually, that was a record turnout, and I think these aerial photos will confirm that,” Trost said. “Also, there is no truth to the rumor that pangolin has been removed from the Legends Club menu. It is still available to our luxury box patrons, along with a free side drink of hydroxychloroquine, or one Tide pod, whatever the customer prefers.”

 

11 comments:

Matt P said...

This was supposed to be the height of their opportunity. Cole the missing piece. Instead, the bullpen is on a downturn, and we can’t even complain about over usage. Like most years, Judge has lost all his power due to injury. And also, when Judge is not on the IL, Clint disappears as well. Our starters are questionable and now we need all 5 due to scheduling. That plays right into our weakness compared to other playoff clubs. And when we inevitably lose...our team will now be on a downturn. The future that was to be carried by a new core of Gary, Judge and Sevy will never reach the potential we once thought. And Gleyber, he was supposed to be a rising star and he has been a disaster, especially in the field. If they don’t pull this year out of their ass, I fear the road gets harder and harder.

Matt P. said...

Whoops, posted this on the wrong thread.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

“As a kid, they didn’t factor into anything, the White Sox, from 1919 a long way, and then in the 1950’s it broke...”. -John Sterling, 101 years old, remembers baseball.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

He also mixed up Jazz Chisholm as Chaz Jizzholm... that was several innings ago.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Whatever the name, he smoked the Yankees in every aspect of the game today. A .145 hitter, in a game the Yanks needed to win. Oh, this bodes well.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Cheer up Horace, we won’t be losing the quick two to Tampa this week that we all expected.

Matt P. said...

When Sanchez pinch hit the other night, is he the first pinch hitter EVER hitting .140 after 50 games to hit for someone batting .250? Where are the analytics on that one Brian Cashman?

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Lol that’s a great stat. Sweeney Murti mentioned that Sanchez holds the record for lowest batting average ever with ten or more home runs.

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