This baby popped up today, on whether Juan Soto could become a Yankee.
Look, I mean no disrespect to the writer, or the site, or the editor, or the headline maker, or to the readers and/or to Juan Fucking Soto himself. But right now, the Yankiverse is a simmering sea of steamy bullshit, and the cause for clicks has possibly and reportedly never been less worthwhile.
So, look, fellow treadmill gerbels of the Yankiverse... I say, abandon the trade talk, jettison the Aaron Boone questions, and get back to the tried and true method of grabbing viewers: Displaying ladies in their underwear. Get out your Page 6 thesaurus: They are "toned," their legs are "stems," and they "spill" out of their blouses, and they'll function as a three-month long Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition to fill in the hole that used to be the Yankees in October.
As for IT IS HIGH - being woke and drunk - I say we'll go for another useful click-catcher: Top Ten Lists.
TOP TEN REASONS FOR YANKEE TOP TEN LISTS
1. Most Yankee fans have ten fingers and ten toes. Thus, this list will not confuse them. (Fun Fact: Many boosters of Oswaldo Cabrera are known to have six fingers.)
2. Lists are short. They cannot run on endlessly, across the 40-man roster, because - hey - you only get 10.
3. The are well organized. Numbers beat doing lists alphabetically or via the Dewey Decimal System.
4. They challenge the writer. Really now, how can we do the Top Ten Reasons to Trade for Soto? After, No. 1, he can hit, everything else is crapola. Thus, Mr. Norman Mailer, you gotta roll up your sleeves and do some work.
5. It's fun to see a writer become desperate for filler. This often happens around No. 5.
6. The lists, um, can be read out loud! And who doesn't like to read them out loud?
7. They include important information, such as what 1B TJ Rumfield - (I love this guy's name, he's the new Rummy!) - hit last season at Double A Somerset. He hit .219 with 17 HRs. Next year, the Rumster hits Scranton! See? A big No. 7.
8. Okay, they fill space quite well. If No. 7 wasn't strong, maybe No. 8 will be better!
9. Humina humina humina...
10. They fill a void. And this October, the Yankees sure didn't. Go Jordan Montgomery! Make them pay.
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12 comments:
The next Hal/Ca$hman project will be to
“Deprogram” Yankee fans into thinking winning isn’t everything
Hilarious--another Rummy! Is he an "known unknown" or an "unknown unknown"?
Great stuff, Duque. Ah, me, what will the Yankees do???
I can think all the way back to the days when we weren't signing Bryce Harper or Manny Machado because we were waiting for the great class of shortstops to hit the free-agent market.
Good times!
The new Yankee way, Piss on your leg and tell you it's raining. I understand The Yankees thinking is "One Lefty Bat and The Team Is On Their Way To The World Series." Hal saves money and The Yankees have lots of giveaways. The Genius brings in more bums like Jake Bauers and tell them to swing up.
Can we trade Cashmon to the Red Socks for a duck-boat tour ticket and a vintage Jeter sucks Arod's Randy Johnson T-shirt?
Just treat all these Yankee trade rumors as clickbait...that's all it is...
Duque: "get back to the tried and true method of grabbing viewers: Displaying ladies in their underwear."
YEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love that idea!
Good idea even without the underwear.
I hear Soto will be a free agent after next year. So the Yankees have to decide whether it's better to try to get to him now or after he turns free agent.
If all it takes to get him is Spencer Jones and the best Yankee pitching prospect, I think it's better to get it done now, as long as Soto is amenable to signing an extension with the Yankees. Because if you wait, someone else will get him and then, most probably, end up signing him to an extension. Then we're never going to get him. If we get Soto, then we might be competitive next year.
Whether we get Soto or not, I'd also go after the Japanese star Yamamoto. Getting Yamamoto would open up some flexibility with the starting rotation. We could trade Clarke Schmidt, for example, or even Nestor Cortes.
Alternatively, if the Yankees really think that they have something special in Spencer Jones, then they can forget about going after Juan Soto. This would be the full tank version of 2024, as far as the offense. Just wait for the kids to develop. The problem with this is that The Martian won't be back until August or September, at the earliest. The only lefty bat with any real potential would be Austin Wells. Who knows when Spencer Jones would be ready to come up. Would it be July 2024?
Keefe would be proud.
Soto will be the new ARod. A couple of spectacular years, followed PED scandals, suspensions and a few more years of watching a crippled old man, paid a phenomenal wage and disappearing for long stretches to deal with the long-term side effects of too many PED treatments, while he becomes a black hole and a disciplinary problem in the clubhouse.
No thanks. And until Cashman is gone, I can't support any roster changes. He can't read a medical report (critical, when it comes to Soto). Can't judge talent. Gets fleeced while he makes bad trades to chase a meaningless headline or to save his phony baloney job.
And when they get here, they can't stand the NYC heat, poison the clubhouse, disappear forever onto the IL list, get terrible guidance from trainers and coaches. All of this is followed by Cashman and Hal crying poverty, while most of the New Yorkers who PAID for their stadium can't afford to attend a game.
No thanks. Fire Cashman and everyone else who owes their job to that clown and get some baseball professionals in there. THEN, let's talk trades.
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