Batting second, playing RF, will be Aaron Judge.
The internet will stop. Social media will explode. Disbelievers will say it's A.I. slop - (or A.L. slop, considering the state of the league) - and that Judge belongs in a minor league rehab assignment. The gushingly hopeful among us will note that playing the Rockies - 33 games below .500 - amounts to a minor league rehab.
Judge's presence will tweak the Yankee order, like a burst of high-octane gasoline. He'll be sandwiched between lefty hitters - Ben Rice, Cody Bellinger and Luis Garcia Jr. Heliot Ramos will take a seat. And someone - probably Jasson Dominguez - will board a bus to Scranton.
Around 7:05 p.m. the stadium's notorious Bleacher Creatures will launch their roll call. They will scream with a doomsday fury, creating a stadium-wide cascade of noise. Immediately, Judge will doff his cap, hoping to quell the explosion. It won't matter. They'll keep chanting his name, anyway.
Around 7:15 p.m., in the bottom of the first, Judge will come to bat. Everyone in the stadium will already be standing. The sound will be heard across NYC.
He will probably make an out. It's not easy to return after three months. But the crowd will understand. What matters is that he will be back.
If the Yankees have any chance of catching Tampa, they must sweep this series against Colorado. There is no alternative, no Plan B. And Tuesday's game won't hinge on Judge. He'll likely play five innings and then be replaced by Ramos. It's a long, long drop.
But but BUT... if Judge catches up to a fastball, if he connects, if he launches a high drive to the seats... Yankee Stadium will levitate 20 feet into the night sky above Gotham, signaling hope for humanity and an end to war.
If he homers, floods will recede, wildfires will end, the super el Nino will cool, and the price of gasoline will drop by a dollar. Angels will appear in the White House reflecting pool, the juju gods will hoist their glasses to drink, and somewhere, Gloria Steinem will be dancing with Mitch McConnell. Our long national nightmare will be over.
We will have survived.
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22 comments:
Wonderful, wonderful. . . .
We woke up in Cusco Peru today. More than two miles high. I was there was more air to breathe.
Fuck HAL.
Here in the newly Nazified fatherland, baseball is not allowed because it is a foreign influence diluting our pure German culture. This is why we will begin to deport immigrants, especially Americans from the world's worst cesspool of immigration, New York. Baseball teams from New York are banned along with their degenerate fans.
We will secretly be watching the return of Judge, the genetically freakish American, on an illegal video feed from the dark web.
Heil Boone!
Ah, it'll be nice to see the Big Fella back. And it won't mean a damn thing.
19 games is too late in the season to start again for a guy who is undoubtedly still hurt. And in any case, we will find some way to screw it up.
Four solo home runs, Cole? No, don't listen, don't adjust anything at all that you're doing. And another game-winner for the great Luis Campusano...
...Can we call this latest Yankees choke "the swallows returning to Campusano"?
Sorry. But really! Campusano, who looks like Bill Dickey, Yogi Berra, and Elston Howard put together compared to anyone the Yanks have had catching for a long, long time, also threw out another key baserunner, leaving the Yanks 0-4 in steal attempts in this series...
...That stat alone reveals the sheer inanity of the Yankees' approach to the game. They believe in the Three True Outcomes like it's Holy Writ. They won't bunt, don't ask them, they won't move runners up, they won't do anything but wait for the long ball.
Except...they will run relentlessly into needless outs against a catcher with a superior arm and a team they haven't seen all season. Makes a lot of sense...
...This sort of nonsense turned what coulda/shoulda/woulda been an inspiring, 5-1 road trip into a 3-3 embarrassment.
Let's face it, the division is done. And...the Red Sox are not, just 2 1/2 back—still only 3 1/2 even if you count the tiebreaker.
Not that it much matters. This perverse Yankees team actually plays much better on the road than it does at home.
This Yankees team, like so many Yankees teams of the past 10 years, will find a way to lose, no matter where they are.
The sad part is that it will be blamed on The Big Guy. Judge could hit a grand slam in every game, and we'll still hear that "he never won a ring."
Aaron Judge isn't the solution—just as he never was the problem.
Amen, Hoss! "Judge isn't the solution--just as he never was the problem." Yes, this is what I've felt too, during Judge's entire career.
Why do these bozos try to steal against a struggling pitcher who is on the ropes? Why do they take foolish chances and give away outs that they can ill afford? When a pitcher can't get anyone out, all you do is wait for him to implode, not run into outs. Epic stupidity.
If they were picking a series MVP, Friar catcher Campusano would be the chosen one, eh? Four guys thrown out stealing in four attempts, home runs, big hits. What a tour de force for this guy. The Yankees will sign him as a free agent when he's 38 years old and can't cut it anymore.
Hey, this series against the Friars showed exactly why I still think there's a pretty good chance the Yankees will fall on their faces and miss the playoffs. This clown show masquerading as a major league ball club is going to be hard pressed to win half their games, going 9-10.
That was an eminently winnable game yesterday. After Cole gave up back to back to back home runs, and which were belly to belly to belly to the first three batters of the game, you knew the Bronx Bastards were done for. Done for, in the first inning! Wow, what a playoff team! The old tyme Yankee Championship teams that won four, five straight championships must be turnin' over in their graves.
I wanna see Cole pitch a reverse immaculate inning. What's that, you say? It's when Cole throws 9 pitches in the 1st inning, giving up 9 home runs. Impossible, you say? Hey, let me tell you something. With Cole and these Yankees, no negative record is impossible. These buffoons, led by fucking Aaron Boone, have it in them to achieve astonishing, insurmountable feats of idiocy and futility.
And this is why I think they'll lose at least two of three to the lowly Rockies. Yes, there's even a chance that they could get swept. The Rockies are no pushover. They've been playing better and better as the season goes along. They'll give our Bronx Bastards all they can handle, and then some.
A few wind sprints and you'll feel as good as new. 👍🌞
I certainly don’t see the return of Judge being some sort of epic turning point. It’s more likely that he 2-20.
No game on Labor Day. Disgraceful.
Rockies have a big time offense. I mean big time. These guys will score runs in bunches. They obviously have a severe weakness with their pitching, but ain't nuthin' wrong with their offense.
Our pitching, on the other hand, is highly overrated. Yes, at times, the pitching here can look exceptional. But when push comes to shove, they turn in a crap fest like they just did in Friar Cathedral. You can look for a lot more games like the last one a-comin' our way.
and maybe worse!
Yes, it's incredible. Major holiday, no baseball. The new fucking MLB. And this is what they'll be fighting over tooth and nail over the winter. Like Hoss says, let it all blow up and burn down. Who gives a crap about a shitshow like this?
Suzyn gets her birthday off.
If they had any brains at all, they'd DFA Heliot Ramos and keed JD. JD is the guy they need to develop. Not likely, however.
Yes yes yes yes yes.
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