10 Questions on the minds of Yankee fans

1.   When do the NY Giants report for preseason?

2.   What’s all this about NBC moving “Community” to Friday night?

3.   Kim and Kanye: How long will it last?

4.   Is there any good summer reading out there?

5.   Are suicide notes supposed to have anecdotal leads?

6.   Did the Mayans happen to be Yankee fans?

7.   How can I get me some of that flesh-eating bacteria?

8.   How does Miley Cyrus stay (snort) so thin?

9.   WHO! Who wrote the book of love?

10.  Think we can beat those Redsocks?

Worst team since 1992?

Let us return now to those thrilling days of yesteryear...

For the first time since 1992, the Yankees and Redsocks sit at the bottom of the AL East this late in May. That year, we finished fourth. It's not hard to imagine us in a 20-year-cycle.

We have an injury-compromised Mattingly (Alex) and a slow-swinging Danny Tartabull (Tex).  If somebody can rouse pet cougars and bring guns to the clubhouse, we'll have a Mel Hall. (Looking at you, Jayson Nix; you've already done enough!)

At least in 1992, we were relatively young.

Fourth and old. Fourth and tired. Fourth and long. Bring on the punting team.

El Pavo Returns

Tonight Miguel Cairo, ex-Yankee fave and known Red, will return to Yankee Stadium, see that it's gone and, with luck, be directed to the copy down the street.

The Bronx Bombers, you'll remember, boast a .615 winning percentage in games El Pavo played in pinstripes (source).

I will bet you a hundred dollars that Suzyn collars Miggy for her pre-game interview tonight.

We are a fourth place team

Thelma and Cash

Throughout the entire hell-spawned disco era, there was only ONE decent song, and its singer has passed away

I freaking hated disco. Hated it, hated it, hated it - every stinking Bee Gee/Travolta-puss-infected moment. It was the worst, stupidest, most politically and morally spineless musical period in our nation's history. For merely hatching it, America deserved to be blown up. That's how much I hated disco. Actually, no - I hated disco more than words can convey.I hated what it did to us - its effect on manhood, womanhood, romance, rock'n'roll, the Rolling Stones, Rod Stewart, capitalism and shoes. I freaking hated disco shoes.

But there was one disco song - just one that I liked. It conveyed a universal story: You're in a bar, the bouncers are circling, and you have one last crack at giving the night a chance to save your soul. In my world, they played Stairway or Freebird. But during disco, they played her.

So I'm saying what I never thought I'd say:

Rest in Peace, Disco Queen.

Today In The Yawkey Zoo

Gonzo's guarantee

Gonzo guarantees home run tonight. It would be his 13th since last year's All-Star break.

Bobby V: Balks 'like an epidemic'; Dice-K 'isn't all that close'

Remy: 'Buchholz has been painful to watch'

Schilling bleeds taxpayer cash

Two Yankee relievers walk into a bar...

Both will miss six to eight weeks.

Yankeetorial: How bad is it? The top 10 true horrors of the human Yankee condition

1. The Jamesian pencilnecks who calculated last winter that Hiroki Kuroda would get jackhammered in small AL parks might have gotten one right. Last night, he threw superballs. A fly ball pitcher in Toronto, Boston, Tampa, Baltimore? O Lord, what hath we done?

2. Mark Teixeira's coughing jags - according to Lohud - are getting scary. The guy's lungs must look like burnt-out flashcubes. He barely recognized Tex's voice in the post-game. The guy breathes like Darth Vader. Something's wrong here. This isn't a cold.

3. Eduardo Nunez made two more errors yesterday at Triple A, wherever the hell that poor, godforsaken homeless Scrantonesque team is playing. Likewise, Francisco Cervelli seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. The Traveling Wilkes Barres must be the most depressing situation in baseball. We're sending players there to improve, and it's like dropping them into North Korea. It's pure punishment.

4. Last night we went 1-8 with runners in scoring position. Compared to recent outings, that was a good game. We're constantly tipping our caps to the opposing pitcher, pretending we just faced the next Roy Halladay. John and Suzyn aren't even buying it.

5. Speaking of The Master, we've reached at the trench where in the early innings, if the opposition scores two runs, John says the game might be over. Last night, he just went into his Yankees-behind-by-10-runs-and-why-should-I-care misery derisive laugh. It hurts to hear a man utterly without hope.

6. We just squandered the best month of Jeter's career, and we're barely a nose above .500. Do the math. Jeet cannot hit like that the rest of the way. What happens when he slumps? Is anyone going to step up?

7. Our hitters aren't reacting to the overshifts. When we win, it's because we hit four homeruns off some pug. The more we flail against those skewed defenses, the more we'll see them, and the more they will get inside our heads. This is a looming disaster.

8. Our bullpen, which carried us through April, is now that of the Minnesota Twins. Want to know who's our 7th inning man for this weekend? Scan the waiver wires.

9. Boston and Tampa are hanging with us (or in Tampa's case, ahead of us) despite lineups decimated with injury. Next month, the Redsocks likely will get back Jacoby Ellsbury, Carl Crawford and Dice K. The Rays will return Evan Longoria. We might get back Brett Gardner, but with our aging lineup, odds are we'll be even more depleted than now.

10. Our small market owner heirs show no willingness to spend. Nobody talks about signing Roy Oswalt or taking on extra salary. Yeah, this can be a good thing - the 1980s were chock full of useless baggage. Still, it would be nice to at least think Hal and Hank are fuming. But blowout year could just make it easier for them to reduce payroll - and isn't that the prime objective?

I know what you're thinking: I'm over-reacting. Every May, it seems we go through a dark stretch.

But that doesn't mean this year we will pull out. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Here's to our Yankee outposts, the farthest planets of the empire driven by Jeep

They carry The Word. They bring The Master's thoughts to the bootless and unhorsed heathens in far-flung corners of the globe - like Massachusetts.

Hell, any two-bit, Saturday night-bingo AM station can  broadcast Little Debbie/Yankee games in the rustbucket Northeast, where literate, game-worthy fans appreciate the distinctions between Jim and Shane Spencer. But these missionaries operate in the farthest points of the Empire, the forts in enemy country, the edge outposts where outfielders are cheap, and no fan can be trusted when a trade turns bad.

If we can hold these FOBs, we can raise more money for players, or for the owners' second homes. If we can keep these netherlands flying the NY flag, there is hope.

We salute you, o valiant Yankeenauts of the outer realm. You are the pioneer planters of pinstripe seed.

Be safe. And secure.

And keep your families safe and secure.

The list:

KBAD in Las Vegas.

KIVA in Albuequerque.

WHBO in Easton, PA.

WBRK in Pittsfield, MA.

WWBA in Tampa.

Yankee batters making big impression in Toronto

Yankees now seeking to build storied Bridge to Cody Eppley

Cody Eppley. Wow. What memories. I can remember the day we signed him, as if it was last week.

Cody Eppley. You see it unraveling. We start with Freddy G (sort of like Kenny G, except he walks more batters), who pitches the first threes, more or less. By the fourth, we’re a grand slam away from being in the game. Then it’s David Phelps – Phelpsy – for two. By then, hopefully, Cano has hit three HRs, leaving us to draft the opposition like a racehorse in the stretch. Soon, it's Cody Eppley Time.

Cody Eppley. Suzyn loves him. She can’t understand how Texas could have waived him. He’s young, he’s big, he’s athletic, he throws hard, he has a live arm, he shows command, he brings the cheese, he has the heat, Texas must be the greatest team in history, which explains why they tossed Cody Eppley into the bottlecap drawer. Of course, he was THE last guy released — they cried, they raged against the fates, they wriggled, knowing they’d made a huge Jesus-for-Pineda mistake — and they would never release him if they know what he is now: Cody Effing Eppley.

Cody Eppley. He gets us to Corey, who gets us to Clay, who gets us to Boone, who gets us to (Your Name Here), who gets us to Rafael Soriano, which is sort of like getting us to Utica from Binghamton, by way of Cortland.

Cody Eppcuse me. I have the hiccups: CODYEPPLEY! Sorry about that. I don't know what's gotten into CODYEPPLEYme. Goodness. I shouldn’t have eaten that plate of win-CODYEPPLEYngs. There. I feel better. I have posted my CodyCODYEPPLEYEppley post.

Yankeetorial: I can relate to the sleeping jurors in the Roger Clemens trial

The judge in the Rocket Clemens artificial juju trial yesterday dismissed a second juror because the freaking geezer was snoring like a smokeless ashtray during testimony. Must be tough: Sitting in judgment on a hall of famer - reporters everywhere, cameras outside, a packed court - and the bozo swirls off into the land of Nod? Where do they get ‘em? Eagles concerts?

But frankly - I can relate. Yankee bats are putting me to sleep. Right now, after Jeet and Grandway, it's a straight downhill ski slope to Jayson Nix, who last night wasn’t even batting ninth. We can marvel about the manhood of the pitchers who dominate us, but it might just be that the Arod and Tex we are seeing are, in fact, permanent presences in our dank order. One may be done, and the other can’t adjust to a shift. Alex has become Aurelio, and Tex has become Tony Clark.

Next up, Toronto – the other Baltimore. Yes, it’s early, and – true, we don’t claim to be scouts, but all those out there who say the O’s and BJs will crumble simply because they always do have no more analysis than a rally monkey. The trial has begun, folks, and if you think this is heading toward a happy outcome, you might be asleep and dreaming.

Ten reasons why survey ranks John & Suzyn the worst MLB announcing team

1. Everyone knows homer announcers are OK for all teams -- except the Yankees. (Who are driven by Jeep...)


2. The Marlin crew, with only 15 listeners, could not generate enough critics to rate lower. (And 15 minutes can save you 15 percent on car insurance...)


3. You can’t predict surveys. (But here's one thing you can predict: If a Yankee hits for a cycle, someone will win a chance to win a brand new Lexus from Lexus of Englewood...)

4. Anybody who plays, roots or works for Yankees is automatically hated. (Unless, that is, they’ve visited the Hebrew Home at Riverside. I've been there. It's like a college campus...)

5. Suzyn’s Clubhouse Report not same since Leyritz left. (Hey, the fifth reason reminds us that it's time for the Daily News Fifth...)


6. Since opening of new bandbox stadium, too many calls to the bullpen. (And this call is sponsored by Geiko...)


7. Thuuuuuh extended vocalizations. (Featuring energy supplied by the Indian Point Nuclear Power Plant...)


8. Jealousy. (That last reason came in at 90 miles per hour, measured by TimeWarner high-speed Road Runner...)


9. Advertising. (Hey, this is the ninth reason, which is time for a Little Debbie Snack Cake...)


10. John and Suzyn don't take enough chances. They've just become too safe and secure. Wait a minute. That's a great line! Somebody ought to craft an ad around it!

John & Suzyn Ranked Dead Last By Ignorant Mob

Shame on the lip-moving "readers" of something called "Fan Graphs Dot Com," who placed the Voice of the Yankees and his Yankee Comañera dead last in an unscientific "poll" ranking radio booths first to worst. We'll let the character assassins tell it themselves:

At the beginning of March, we released the results of our television broadcaster rankings — itself the product of reader crowdsourcing

"Mobsourcing" is more like it.

that had started in late November. Since then, FanGraphs has asked readers to rate the radio broadcast teams (on a scale of 1-5 for charisma, analysis, and then overall) for all 30 major-league clubs — with the intention, ultimately, of determining which broadcasts might best reflect the sorts of inquiry and analysis performed here at the site.

Don't bother. We have the answer. From the look of things, the news broadcasts in North Korea "best reflect the sorts of inquiry and analysis performed" at "Fan Graphs Dot Com."

[Thanks for the heads up, commenter rjm73.]

Continuing with our Superhero collections (but with a slight difference): IF THE REDSOCKS WERE THE SPICE GIRLS

Scary

Sporty

Ginger

Baby

The one who married the soccer star

Are the Yankees facing germ warfare?

Every time Mark Teixeira coughs, does a Taliban angel receive his wings?

What the hell happened to Clay Rappata, aside from having to go through life with the name "Clay Rappata?"

Who next on the Yankees will begin to experience the concrete-clogged nostrils and phlegm-filled throats that signify clear acts of war by our enemies?

Must we wait until Nick Swisher is half-consumed by flesh-eating bacteria before we wake up and smell the anthrax?

It's time the chain-smoking Steinbrothers to get off their thrones: Our team of coughers and hackers is under germ attack.

The owners can't see it past the blue smoke of their two-carton-a-day habit. But last night, Clay Rappata was helped into the clubhouse, gasping for air due to a "viral infection." This came as a raspy cough, which has ravaged Mark Teixeira's insides like a snort of rubber cement, continues to torment the star firstbaseman.

These internal welts won't be salved by cherry red Ludens lozinges or rubbing kinky mentholatum jelly on someone's bare chest - (although the jel can offer unique satisfaction, in a pinch.) Some enemy agent has sought to to silence Teixeira's bat by giving voice to his lungs, and he sounds like Satchmo. Where the hell is Gene Monahan when we need him?

Good grief, is there a doctor in New York City? Do we have to start shaking beads? Let's get on this. It's mid-May. Excuse me while I wretch. Hawwwwwwwwwwwk, pttuii.

Champion Larry Yogi Berra Sparks Yankees!

World's Finest Comics, July-August 1952

Shocker: Jeter's sister stuns Siena crowd by urging grads to "give back;' meanwhile, Jeet himself is "giving back" to Kevin Millwood

While his sister was hurling verbal boiled chestnuts at the Class of 2012 at Siena College, Derek Jeter was hitting into a bases-loaded double-play, allowing the Seattle Mariners to win a game at Yankee Stadium.

What kind of message is that?

According to the Daily Gazette (yes, they still call newspapers things like that) of Schenectady (at least in Schenectady, they do) the biggest name at Sunday's Siena showdown was the Yankee cap'n, who received an honorary doctor of humane letters degree, which is sort of like having your number retired, except that nobody cares. 

Jeet couldn't attend the shindig because he was busy grounding into a doubleplay with the bases loaded, performing the humanitarian act of allowing Kevin Millwood to last one more month in the majors.

His sister, Sharlee Jeter accepted the degree for him and "offered a challenge to the new graduates:"

"Work hard to fulfill your dreams and most importantly I challenge you to give back to your communities and to always act as role models because someone will always be watching you out there in the world."

Badaboom. Next came a video on Jeter's career and humanitarian work, followed by a videotaped message from the cap'n.

"I'm proud to be recognized as a son of Siena, which is such an amazing institution that promotes the values that are most important to me.

.

There you have it. By mid-afternoon, the game was over. Next year, maybe they'll give a bachelors to Mark Teixeira. He might need it in his next career.

Reality Check: JP Morgan actually made worse trade than the Yankees

Now and then, we plan to offer an IT IS HIGH REALITY CHECK, extending our minds beyond the dizzifying pseudo-chaos of celebrating Yankee victories (birth) and mourning Yankee defeats (death, or worse).

Here is our first grim observation of the Unvarnished Truth.

1. Three JP Morgan bigwigs are retiring to their naked manservants and Nantucket compounds because of hell-botched trades. (Were they dealing with Seattle?) The evil bank lost two billion dollars, which makes Cashman's Jesus-for-Venus de Milo deal look like Peter Minuit bartering with the Manhattan Indians. REALITY: Bad deals are part of baseball. Bad deals are part of life. The only person who never gets a bad deal is George Clooney. (What is it with that guy? If we were dealing on behalf of the Manhattans, the Dutch would have ended up with Rikers Island, and the Indians would have a casino on Manhattan.) We can rail about Cashman all night, but we have nobody else to run this team.

2. If the season ended today, we would face Tampa in a one-game playoff, in Tampa. Baltimore would be the AL East pennant winner. Mark Teixeira would be a defensive replacement, and the Redsocks would be looking forward to the 4th (or 5th) pick in the 2013 draft.

3. The Killer Bees (of the Traveling Wilkes Barres) are throwing beebees. Last night, Manny Baneulos threw six solid innings. The other night, Dellin Betances threw eight - perhaps the best outing of his pro career. If they continue, both are headed to NY by September. The reality: Their innings will be limited. But help may be on the way.

What drives The Master to Madness?