What happens in a private Yankee workout for Yoan Moncata?

It begins when Randy Levine yells, "Drop and give me ten, rook!"

To see what the kid has for endurance, Hal Steinbrenner dons his Kinky Boots and challenges Yoan to keep up during a tap rendition of "42nd Street." Then brother Hank tests the youngster's lungs by having him smoke two packs of Camels, after which he must sing a duet with Sister Joan, "You Don't Bring Me Flowers."

Then Brian Cashman takes over. In a virtual reality exercise designed to test the youngster's mental acumen, Moncata must make 10 team roster moves in eight minutes, culminating with a rotation that includes Wally Whitehurst and Sidney Ponson - all while avoiding a stalker.

Throughout this, Special Assistant to the General Manager Tino Martinez will be yelling harsh crudities and mean girl remarks, to see how Moncata handles verbal attacks. Then comes the roughest part yet: He must endure 30 minutes of infield chatter from Special Assistant to the General Manager Stump Merrill, followed by another 30 on "the life and times of Reggie Jackson," as recalled and interpreted by Special Assistant to the General Manager Reggie Jackson.

If Moncata is still standing, he goes binge drinking with Billy Madden and - somewhere over the Tappan Zee Bridge - presumably will leap to his death.

Waiting down below, Old George will nurse him back to health with oats and hay, and he will then be signed - either to join the Yankees or run in the Preakness.

Holy cow, it's a PIX Playback!

Forget Murdoch. The team next season will return to the broadcast frequency of Mel, Phil, Red and Jerry... of "White?!" "Seaver?!" and "Murcer!?" Howdayalikethat!!"

Rupert Murdoch didn't want to invest in the 2015 Yankees

Red Barber was there,
long before he met Colonel Bob.

Yankee "over-the-air" TV games  next season will move from Channel 9 - "My 9" - back to WPIX, the long-ago station of Bill White and Phil Rizzuto.

Apparently, Rupert Murdoch's station didn't want to pay extra money to Rupert Murdoch's YES network to broadcast Yankee games this season.

Murdoch - as majority owner of YES - is, essentially, a partner of Hal Steinbrenner. But he didn't want to invest in the current team.

Could he know something?

Should Yankee fans be excited over the team's new frugality?

Across the Yankiverse this week, reaction to the Nationals' signing of Max Scherzer has generally reminded me of - well - Kansas City fans. Many bloggers and die hards are openly expressing relief that the Yankees didn't sign the best pitcher on the 2015 market - and the one guy who would have made a difference next year - because he would have cost too much.

I too wasn't sure what to make of signing Scherzer. But the 2015 Yankees, as currently defined, look stunningly mediocre, and the best stud starter available would have vaulted us to the top of the heap.

But for now, let's not think about the team. Let's give the front office credit for doing something that, in American business, is absolutely brilliant.

Somehow, the richest team in U.S. pro sports, with the biggest market in U.S. pro sports, with the wealthiest broadcast revenue engine in U.S. pro sports - a franchise that it's been estimated could finance a $400 million payroll and still make gobs of money - managed to get its own fan base to buy into the notion that - thank God! - the Steinbrenners are saving money.

I recognize that teams can spend money smartly - and stupidly. Many fans believe it would be stupid to give Max Scherzer seven years at age 30. I accept that. The Nationals - and the teams they narrowly outbid - don't agree.

But since when are Yankee fans supposed to fret over team finances?

Capitalism doesn't always give us much. In fact, it screws most of us. But at least in the fantasy world of baseball, the Yankees always allowed us to be millionaires - the richest fan on the block. Hideki Irabu wanted to play in America? Of course, the Yankees would get him! El Duque was coming from Cuba? Of course, the Yankees would get him! Jason Giambi? We didn't need a DH, but we got him anyway. Yes, we were hated. Who cared? We offered the greatest stage, the greatest fan base, the greatest legacy... and of course, unlimited money. The Yankees are not supposed to care about money. And neither are their fans.

Now, we're supposed to be relieved that we avoided a big name free agent?

It's one thing for the Yankee front office to think like Kansas City. Should Yankee fans think like Royals fans?

I understand that Robbie Cano last year left home because Seattle gave him a ridiculous deal. But he left home! There was a time when a star like Robbie would be a Yankee for life. Obviously, that changed.

There is only one person currently destined to be a Yankee for life.

Hal Steinbrenner.

And yes, I want us to be smart, but I'll be damned if I'm going to cheer a billionaire because he saved a few thin dimes.

If the Yankees do not sign Yoan Moncata... you heard it here first... 

Jihad!

Rupert Murdoch's cheapskates at Channel 9 are refusing to pay Rupert Murdoch's gougers on YES

At last, we know what Rupert Murdoch does to pass the time, while flushing his glass bowels with the power washer: He holds cock fights amoung his top executives and watches them bleed out, "Hunger Games" style.

The latest reason to whip on Rupert - (ha, as if we need a reason?) - is the current squabble between YES Network and Channel 9 - or "My Nine," as it calls itself - (and which Murdoch, the owner, can rightfully call it.) Games on "My Nine" represent one of the rare "freebies" offered by the Yankees - the people who still old stadium dirt for $69.95 - to non-rich fans.

But Murdoch's rooster honks at My (His) Nine are balking at the high broadcast fees for Yankee games, which are set by Murdoch's clucking honks at YES.

In a perfect world, this would be written about by Murdoch's inky honks at the NY Post, after being debated by Murdoch's blubbery honks in NYS government. (Wait! Maybe we can get on Rupert's payroll and start honking: Hail Hydra!)

(UPDATE: I DO HAVE TO GIVE MURDOCH'S HONKS AT THE POST CREDIT FOR THIS:

RETURNING TO PREVIOUS POST)

Unfortunately, our perfect symmetry is shattered by Bob Raissman at the Daily News:

The contract with Ch. 9, the Yankees’ current over-the-air partner, has expired. According to MLB sources, Ch. 9 suits, who likely lost money on their last Yankees TV deal, don’t want to pay the rights fee that YES, which owns rights to all Yankees games, is asking for. What makes this highly unusual is both YES and Ch. 9 are owned by Fox. “The notion when things — like a negotiation — are in the ‘family’, it should make the process a lot easier,” the MLB mole said. “That’s not always the case.”

So... recapping here... YES is looking for another TV outlet, maybe even a non-Murdoch-owned entity - (if they exist) - to pay more for "free" Yankee games. Something tells me that Fox Sports, or something else owned by Murdoch, might be interested in bidding up the price. There's nothing like bidding more for "free" games on TV!

Listen: We all know what's going to happen:

1. Murdoch will make more money.

2. Fewer Yankee games will air on so-called "free" TV.

3. More pressure will be exerted on the Yankees to win this year, rather than build for the future.

4. The surving Murdoch honk - i.e. the meanest bastard in the bunch - will rise within Fox's Supreme Legion of Evil, where members regularly transfuse the blood of Rasputin, Al Capone and Merv Griffin. Isn't this how Roger Ailes made it?

Yankees sign veteran ballplayers "Healthy" and "Ready."

We have finally gone through the wormhole into the next universe: Baseball's glamour team is the Washington Nationals

Washington... 
Last in war, last in peace,
And first in the NL East!

It will be fun this year, watching the ups and downs of America's team, the Nationals - aka the "Beltway Bombers," who play in "The House That Bush Built." The story lines are spectacular: The wunderkind, Bryce Harper... the once-a-generation arm, Stephen Strasburg... Zimmermann and Zimmerman, Jordan and Ryan... the aging vet, Jayson Werth... and now the game's top hired gun, Max Scherzer, who signed with them today. Their stocked farm system pushed Syracuse into the Triple A playoffs last year. And they have money to burn: Their payroll still remains about $50 million less than the former America's team... I forget the name.

Of course, the former team still has some interesting former story lines:

Can CC Sabathia regain his former prominence? Will Carlos Beltran be his former self?
Can Mark Teixeira return to his former form? Will Alex Rodriguez be the former star he formerly was? Can Brian McCann reform into his former form? Can Stephen Drew... ah, enough... you get the picture. A former team of former stars, formerly followed by their former fans.

Yesterday's team, built to win it all in 2009.

Well, at least today's news brings one bright spot: The former Yankees weren't lying when they said they wouldn't sign Scherzer. Many former Yankees fans assumed they had to be telling falsehoods: They couldn't imagine last year's main lineup being recycled. It's bad enough to watch Hangover II. But who has a taste for Transcendence II?

Oh well, at least we have something to watch in 2015. America's team. It should be interesting.

Four ways to speed up the game of baseball that don't require an obnoxious clock

Community pride: The 24-second clock was invented in Syracuse.

Baseball, bowling and golf are the last great sports not ruled by the clock, so - naturally - the owners will use one this year in the minors. They want to end the four-hour game, presumably so the cheap bastards don't have pay the help extra hours.

Well, here are four ways to speed up the game, without a clock.

1. Cut one 30-second commercial out of every half-inning change. Yep, chop it one ad for W.B. Mason, or that guy who eats the ice cream and gets brain freeze. Baseball now sticks ads on everything that moves - this, on the premium YES network, which we pay to watch. Dear God, the radio broadcasts of John and Suzyn have become horrible, non-stop commercials - on a service many of us pay to receive online. HOW MANY REVENUE STREAMS DO THEY NEED? Cut the length of half-innings. That's 9 minutes, right there.

2. Stop singing "America the Beautiful" every seventh inning - and following it with yet another round of commercials. Yeah, we get it that the owners are great patriots and the players love nothing more than the U.S. flag - especially the ones from Japan, Korea and a certain Latin American nation we still will never visit, if Marco Rubio becomes president. If the owners love America so much, honor it  by paying full shares of taxes, rather than stuffing both hands into the public till when they need a stadium. Spare us the looming football half-time show that was once the seventh-inning stretch. That's four minutes - and it seems like 10.

3. Cut the number of warm-ups that a relief pitcher gets to throw. (Unless of an injury replacement, of course.) They should already have warmed up in the bullpen. Don't let pitching changes become endless commercial breaks. Forcing pitchers to be ready would force managers to plan ahead, and maybe they won't change pitchers five times in an inning during April. How to turn an exciting game rancid? Have the manager switch pitchers three times in three batters. It becomes a 20-minute inning, in which nothing happened.

4. Force managers to demand video replays within 15 seconds of the call. Right now, they walk out slowly, talk to their player, frog around and wipe their butts, until some team-hired nerd in a booth checks the replay and flashes the signal. Then they issue the challenge, and then the umps waddle inside to take 10 minutes to study the video. Streamline the process. If a manager wants to challenge a call, he must do it immediately. Either that, or just check every call. The current system is a tedious joke. It's threatening to become a home-field advantage.  Fix it.

After a day of squalls, Syracuse clips nearly 2 inches off of Buffalo's lead in Golden Snow

Frank Zappa understood the secret of golden snow: You don't eat it.

In upstate New York, we fight for it - in the annual Golden Snowball competition, to see which city records the largest winter accumulation.

Thursday and Friday, the upstate dynastic Syracuse added 2.3 inches - while the current leader, Buffalo - only put up 0.4.

The Buffs still have a comfortable lead. But the Salt Potatoes are coming, folks, and there is plenty of snowball yet to play.

http://goldensnowball.com/

Don't look now, but Boston has completely retooled

Sometimes, it doesn't seem fair.

You look at the Yankee farm system, where top prospects go to Trenton and vanish like 1980s kids on milk cartons, and you wonder what's wrong? Last spring, we finally unveiled a legitimate impact rookie - Dellin Betances - and he was 28. (Shane Greene, who arrived later, and we subsequently traded, was 25.) Meanwhile, the Redsock machine pumps out 21-year-olds.

Of course, Boston last year - as a team - crapped the bed. By August, they were running a liquidation sale and eyeing 2015. This week, Buster Olney of ESPN rates them as the best starting lineup in the AL East - if not MLB. (The Yankees rank 10th.)

Yeah, it's just a January crapola rating, done to get clicks. But blogs of the Yankiverse go gobble-gobble-gobble about our Slade Heathcotts and Mason Williamses while acting oblivious to what the other systems are producing. Next season, Boston will not only add the Tubby Twins, Hanley Ramirez and Pablo Sandoval, but Mookie Betts, (age 22), Xander Bogartes (22), Blake Swihart (22 - a catcher and their best prospect, according to Baseball America) and the guy we should fear the most, OF Rusney Castillo (27, from Cuba.)

Last summer, the Yankees could have signed Castillo, but we were waddling in our diapers, chasing the final one-game wild card slot. We spent millions on Martin Prado - a fine player (who also cost us a solid prospect, Pete O'Brien), Now, we've flipped Prado for Nathan Eovaldi, who might be a RH tonic, or might be a headcase. But if Castillo becomes a star in Boston, we will counter with the Antiques Roadshow of Carlos Beltran and ex-Mighty Met Chris Young - he of the .211 batting club. Good luck with that, everybody. Meanwhile, Heathcott and Williams will be somewhere in Trenton. Look for them on your next quart of 2 percent.

Hal Steinbrenner likes to say the Yankees compete for a championship every year, and we will never retool, the way Boston shamefully did last season. OK, fine. But Hal damn well better be prepared to spend more money than Boston - or anybody else, for that matter - otherwise, it's just a stupid policy.

And when you look at the people atop the organizations, well, it just doesn't seem fair...

A-Rod intends to play 3B? HOW DARE HE!

Alex Rodriguez seldom fares well with Mr. Anonymous Source. They don't get along. And whisperings from Miami yesterday from our unnamed little birdie say A-Rod intends to ruin everything - everything - this spring by showing up in shape and playing third. Hasn't he read the news? The Yankees signed the new Twin Plums of Gotham - Chase Headley and Stephen Drew - yet A-Rod still expects to get his minutes? What gall!

Says Mr. Unnamed: 

“Alex’s mind is that job’s not Headley’s, it’s Alex’s to lose. That’s what he thinks. Alex is going into training camp thinking that he is the starting third baseman, that if there’s a competition, Headley’s got to win it from him.”

Well, well, well... somebody is going to have to learn his place. The Murdoch/Lupica/Madden Penalty Box is in need of a warm body, and we all know the candidate. But here's a question for the day:

What if, say, in spring training... A-Rod is better than Headley? 

Keep in mind, we're not talking about out-racing Seabiscuit. To beat Headley, you need to field the position and hit .240, with about 20 HR.

And let's face it: Alex might look good in Tampa, but he probably can't sustain that level through an entire season. He is one of the great athletes of his generation, but he's also 40... and we just saw what 40 did to Jeter. (As we'll see to Beltran, Sabathia, and the rest of our assembled Senior Citizen Kazoo Band.)

But if A-Rod can play third, we start the season with two veteran 3B, two experienced SS (Gregorius and Drew), and nobody with experience at 2B. (Refsnyder and Pirela, the rookies, might be ready, and Drew will be learning the job.) At first, it's old Teixeira, backed up by A-Rod, Headley, and the AARP.

A solid defensive infield, with nobody who hit a lick last year.

Maybe they'll have bounce back seasons. Maybe the rookies will soar. But there is only one real intangible here: A-Rod.

Of course, the real self-delusion is not A-Rod's. The craziest notion is  that the Yankee starting rotation can last into June without a scrapheap infusion of Sidney Ponsons and Wally Whithursts. We have improved the bullpen - I think. (No closer, yet.) The outfield is passable, if everybody stays healthy.

The faces have changed, but basically it's the same team as last year - with A-Rod instead of Jeter. With loud booing... instead of cheers.

Winter isn't over. There are pitchers yet to sign, tweaks yet to make. But it's strange: The best news we've heard is that A-Rod seems in shape, and yet that news is treated like a stick in the eye. Five weeks until pitchers show, folks. Another depressing pre-season looms.

Where have you gone Yoan Mocata, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

The Oscars should adopt a 16-movie playoff system

Let's hope the recent success of college football's new four-team tournament shakes up Hollywood's old fogy, creamed corn philosophy, when it comes to crowning a national movie champion.

It's time to disband with the old "Here are the nominees" claptrap, and pit the contenders against each other - in honest bare-knuckled scrapes - with each round of losers going home, and the winners ascending to the Super Sunday Night showdown.

A 16-movie tournament would settle things, once and for all. Nobody in "Boyhood" would be throwing their martinis against the wall in the post-Oscar party, if they know they lost fair and square to "Birdman."

The tourney should include the SAGs, Golden Globes and the People's Choice Awards, and maybe even People Magazine can host the first-round battles, which would pit the top seeds against the 16th ranked underdog. Imagine the excitement if Megan Fox shocks Meryl Streep in the first round. Only in Hollywood! What a story!

The format would run for four weeks, as the field is boiled down to two movies, two actors, two supporting actors, etc. Each year, one "Cinderella" movie will emerge, captivating the nation and rallying its fan base. Who knows? And the winner of the best picture goes to... "Guardians of the Galaxy!"

On the matter of Max Scherzer, Hal Steinbrenner not only invokes Yogi, but Jerry Garcia

About 40 years ago, an enterprising journalist asked Jerry Garcia why so many contradictory quotes existed among members of the Grateful Dead, when it came to explaining the meanings of certain songs. The Zen master replied that early on, the group decided that anybody should say anything in press interviews, true or not, and they wouldn't care. It just didn't matter. And to this day, the band is revered for its integrity.

(OK, I know what you're thinking: I've finally disclosed the inspiration behind this blog. Yes: I'm the dooh-dah man.) 

Well, yesterday, in the blinding heat of the Arizona sun, the Yankees finally adopted the Deadhead philosophy of public utterances.

Hal Steinbrenner told reporters the Yankees remain in the hunt - sort of - for Max Scherzer or James Shields. He quoted the greatest Yankee quote-box in history, Yogi Berra, saying the bidding is "not over, until it's over." This remarkable statement comes just days since the last round of front office denials regarding Scherzer & Shields, a pair that sounds suspiciously like pundits on the PBS News Hour.

All winter, the Evil Empire has reached into its khakis and pulled out the pockets, poor-mouthing, as it ladled out money for Chase Headley and Stephen Drew. (It signed Headley to punish A-Rod; it signed Drew out of its fear of rookies.) Now, Hal cracks the door slightly ajar on Scherzer, like a debutante pledged to Eric, but still flirting with Joey. It's fun to get phone calls.

Well, we've been here before. In fact, we've been here for the last three winters. The Yankee dynasty is dead, and we're only midway through Elizabeth Kubler Ross's five stages of grief: Denial (2013, when they collapsed with Mo), Anger (2014, the A-Rod bloodbath), Bargaining (now.) Still to come are Depression (2015) and finally Acceptance (next winter, and long-term rebuilding.) Scherzer would vault the Yankees into contention this season - and sentence us to another cold stretch of winters, around 2018.

Here's hoping we jump to Acceptance: Spend the money - but only on players who are ascending. Don't pay for their great years in Detroit or Tampa.

One of these days, bidding will start on the 19-year-old Cuban prospect Yoan Moncata. If the Yankees fail to get him, Hal's words will look especially hollow. Because even if the Dead didn't care about interviews, their lyrics still stand tall. And your cards aint worth nuthin, if you don't lay em down.

Yankee fans are experiencing the nuclear winter of Brian Cashman, and still waiting for the bomb to hit

I cannot remember a Yankee winter like this, when the team has been so intricately fine-tuned by a general manager. There were the bombshell deals - the Rickie Henderson trade(s), and for Tino, and for Paul O'Neill - but this has been a series of micro-tweaks, each difficult to analyze. Shawn Kelley to San Diego for Johnny Barbato? WTF? After mourning the loss of Kelley's horse head mask, how do you rate that deal? I sure donno.

But after all the roster adjustments, three big bombs are still to go off. How close they land to New York will determine how this winter is remembered.

The first is Max Scherzer. As we all know, Cashman's insistence that the Yankees won't bid on Scherzer is as adamant as GOP support for the XL pipeline. Let's take him on his word. Still, somebody will sign Scherzer, and if it happens to be Baltimore, Boston or even Toronto... paragraphs will get sticky among the Gammonites. (This would also affect us if the Mets signed him, but I don't think that's likely.)

If O's signed Scherzer,  one could imagine Boston - still reeling from the loss of Jon Lester - opening her purse for James "Big Game" Shields - Bomb Number 2. Again, the Yankees keep saying "not interested." But would they let the AL East improve so dramatically without a counter move? And why haven't these guys signed yet? Somebody must think the market remains volatile. Some big spender - the Dodgers, Redsocks, Giants, somebody - must still be breathing heavy on the phone line.

Finally, there is Bomb Number 3: Yoan Moncata, and here is where everything gets crazy. Because it might be a dud. Moncata is the 19-year-old Cuban infielder, who gets better with every speculative blogger post on the Internet. By now, he's evolved into a combination of Joe Morgan and Ozzie Smith. Realistically, we haven't a clue if he'll be any good, and by the time the bidding ends, he certainly won't be a bargain. But if a rival signs Scherzer or Shields, they presumably would drop out of the market for Moncata... so his price would fall. Right? Aw, who knows?  

For the last month, we have watched Brian Cashman play mind games with A-Rod and fine-tune the Yankee engine. Yesterday, he bought a 28-year-old Dellin Betances clone named Chris Martin from Colorado. (Immediately, the Scranton Railriders started sewing his 6'8" jersey.) But considering Cashman's penchant for turnovers, Martin could be replaced next week by another Johnny Barbato - and everybody will be saying, 'Hm-mm.'

This is Cashman's winter. But the big booms are yet to be heard. And they will determine whether Cashman's winter wins the Golden Snowball.

Yankees get the guy from Coldplay, the one who broke Gwyneth's heart

The Yankees today secured 28-year-old RH reliever Chris Martin from Colorado in exchange for "Cash considerations." Apparently, Brian Cashman will send them flowers on their birthdays.

This is the biggest news since the Yankees signed Gonzales Germen from the Mets and thus had to cut ties to Preston Claiborne.

To add Martin, they had to drop German.

Oh, well, it's not like they went out and resigned Jeff Francis.

Today's money line comes from the Scranton Times-Tribune:

[B]oth of those guys have a chance to start the season with the RailRiders, assuming Germen clears waivers.

Buffalo keeps plowing ahead in Golden Snowball

Yesterday, the Blowin' Bisons widened their lead over Syracuse from 12 to 13.7 inches.  There's plenty of winter left to play, but the Salties need to respond. And what's with plucky Binghamton still keeping pace?

http://goldensnowball.com/

Super Saturday and Super Sunday: It's time for the Grand Unification of Football - college and pro.

I grew up following the joyous sport of college football. I was thrilled at how a young and earnest coach, Joe Paterno, built Penn State into a program that could beat the likes of Syracuse and Army. But around the eighties, I jumped ship and never looked back. I decided college football: a) Is basically all about institutional cheating, b) Has no educational value whatsoever, c) Exploits its players horribly and d) Didn't care enough about its fans to hold an honest championship.

This year, they eliminated (d). Four decades of profitable hypocrisy still separate Division I football from resolving (a), (b) and (c) - though paying the players would be an incredible moral breakthrough. In fact, one can imagine the other issues shrinking dramatically - even disappearing - if colleges simply accept what everybody knows: The players in the super programs are pros, not college students. So pay them up front, instead of under the table.

Last night, America got to watch a game it would have been denied, if the sportswriters or computers set the agenda.

Let's face it: Under the old, two-team playoff system, Florida State would have played Alabama. Nobody would have argued against undefeated FSU playing in the game. And after hand-wringing, Alabama - via the SEC's exalted status - would have gotten the second slot. Last night, the two best teams played.

Now, it's time for college football to rise to a new tier of popularity - and honesty.  

Pay the players, and then launch an 8-game playoff. Better yet, merge the crappy bowl system, and create a a 16-game tournament. Boil it down to two, and hold the championship not on Monday night, when the East Coast can't even watch, but on the day before the Super Bowl... yes... Super Saturday.

For 80 years, college football has served as the NFL's minor league system. This is repugnant. The NFL owners never deserved such a free system of player development. It time for college football to be honest with itself and to stand alone.

It's time for a Grand Unification of Football.

Imagine it: Super Saturday and Super Sunday. It will happen eventually, maybe in the next millennium. But it will happen. (And Tom Coughlin will still be coaching the Giants.)

Syracuse nibbles at Buffalo's golden lead

Sunday, we closed a full inch on them. Bisons' lead now stands at a perfect foot.  

http://goldensnowball.com/

How did Steiner Collectibles miss this?

(Via Reddit) This is being sold on Craigslist.

Says the seller:

Derek was giving and generous and I've charished this basket for more than a decade. After I removed all the luxury items it's been used to hold towels and fresh rolls of toilet paper. This item is sold as is where is. I don't have a c.o.a. but can describe every inch of Derek as a way of proof if needed.

Basically, I think the $1,950 gets you the description. 

Strategies to be used by Pentland and Cockrell - (not to be called "Pen and Cock") - the Yankees new "two-coach" system for hitters

The Yankees yesterday ended their long search for Kevin Long's replacement by signing two - yes, two - hitting coaches: the team of Jeff Pentland and Alan Cockrell - which are NOT to be called "Pen and Cock." Think of them as Jeff and Alan. Or Coach One and Coach Two. The Coaching Platoon.

Two coaches, you ask? What's the point? Well, there are several advantages.

1. Situational Coaches.

During crucial moments in the game, Girardi will go to Cockrell, using a completely different coaching methodology. This will upset the opposing pitcher, who expected a Pentland-taught batter. The opposing manager will go to the bullpen, not wanting his pitcher to face the Cockrell-coached swinger. Then Girardi will make the reverse switch! End result: They have burned a pitcher, and the Yankees will have the advantage!

2. Duo Injectable Coaching. 

The first coach stretches the batter's swing, tugging bad habits from their normal zone. The second coach comes along and instantly chops them off, resulting in a cleaner, smoother stroke, which girl fans dig.

The Yanks might add a third coach for September, when a man really needs to swing.

3. Good coach, bad coach.

Pentland will scream, "A-Rod, you're a loser, a cheap punk loser! You'll never make the Hall, you'll never make Monument Park, you let Cameron Diaz feed you popcorn, and you swung at a pitch outside the strike zone! YOU MAKE ME SICK!" He'll leave, and then Cockrell will enter, with a bag of Cherry Twizzlers and a lap-dancer. "Alex, Alex, Alex," he'll say. "Let's go over that last pitch..."

4. Doublecoach twins.

Double your coaching, double your runs. You'll find the two coaches better than one!

5. Duo scapegoats.

It's part of the Boss' legacy. In a storm, you always need baggage to throw overboard.