Look away, children, it's Scarface!

Ohhh, the hideous, awful SCARRRRRRRRRRRRFACE.

In the January edition of Vanity Fair, Tina Fey and her husband talk about something the "30 Rock" actress has not discussed in the past: the scar on her left cheek.

Wow. Coulda fooled me. That's what make-up does, I guess.

Fortunately, though, through the miracle of the internet, you can access close-ups. Here's what we've missed.

Oh, well, I was getting tired of this guy, anyway.

Yanks Hit the Wall with Abreu

Good guy. Great smile. Plays balls off the wall.

Fine hitter. Great plate discipline. Plays balls off the wall.

Solid citizen. Hits for average. Plays balls off the wall.

How many times last year did opposing outfielders kill our rallies, catching balls that Abreu would have turned on and played off the wall?

It's over. Rather than offer arbitration, and risk the chance that he accepts, we're basically cutting ties with Abreu.

We're showing caution.

We learned from a master.

Redsock Fans to Rot in Hell for Eternity

Insert joke here...

ROCKLAND, Mass. (AP) — Lifelong Red Sox fans can now take their love of the team to the next level — eternity. A Massachusetts funeral home recently took delivery of the first Red Sox casket, which features the team logo on the exterior as well as the inside.

The casket is manufactured by Eternal Image of Michigan, which has a licensing agreement with Major League Baseball.

Madonna, A-Rod and Me ( I )

As most of you know, I won a considerable amount of money this season in Vegas, by playing the short-side of the Phil Hughes/ Ian Kennedy experiment.

Unfortunately, I recently saw General Motors as a bargain stock and invested most of my " short-side"proceeds in the company that defines America.

Today, I cashed out my GM holdings in the panic, took $823.45 in cash, and headed to Mexico City for some R & R.

As luck would have it, I was on the same Greyhound Mexicana Superliner as Madonna and Mr. Rodriguez. We got to singing and talking about the Yankees, the upstarts at IIH,IIF,IIc, the impending depression ( Madge hopes to star in a remake of the 1932 movie ), and the future of Judaica.

We went to a favorite taco stand of mine in Mexico City where A-Rod and Madonna remarked that they really couldn't be seen together. I gave A-Rod my porkpie hat , some old 3-D glasses I had in my pocket, and my ticket to Madonna's sold out " Sticky and Sweet " gig.

I drank "cervesa" and chewed on tequila worms at a local bistro while A-Rod went to see Madonna perform. Unfortunately, I didn't tell A-Rod my ticket was for the following evening so I'm not sure how it all worked out.

But, if he can't hit in the playoffs, why should I know for which night I have tickets to a concert?

Two days later, I spotted A-Rod at a local neighborhood clinic, ( hitting and fielding for him, a different clinic for me ) where he talked to the wide-eyed kids about staying off the streets and ditching their pieces anytime they plan to go to a club on 48th street just off Lexington Avenue in NYC.

I think it is more than a Kabbalahanic coincidence that three great Yankee fans all arived in Mexico, to party, at the same time. Two are wealthy beyond belief, and I'm still paying for those private Jets the car company CEO's fly around in.

Maybe there is something to this Kabbalah Club? Would they take me as a member?

And yes, A-Rod returned the hat. I would fumigate it, but why bother?

See you all in Tampa.

Rick The Quick!

This guy needs to be in the HOF — fast!

He's on the ballot, so sportswriters, do your stuff!

Tim Spry, a friend, gone too soon

Last year, readers of this blog might recall a series of exhortations to a guy named Tim Spry, urging him to fight.

Well, he did fight. Tim battled pancreatic cancer for 15 months and outlived every prognosis. Yesterday, he died.

He was a tree guru, a photographer, a loyal IIH reader, an old college buddy, a guy whose entrance was always proceeded by his laughter. He was a father. He was a friend. And he was a passionate Redsock fan.

I visited him a month ago in Pennsylvania. The fight was over, and he knew it. Doctors had put him on a morphine drip, so when the pain crested, he could push a button and get a jolt of drugs that were far stronger than morphine. The jolts sometimes confused him. You could see it on his face. But he would focus, and he would rally, and his laughter would resound.

Tim had made peace with death. But he vowed to never make peace with Manny Ramirez. Some of our best final conversations were about the Yankees and Redsocks. Imagine that.

Folks, this is how we deal with pain:

We rig up a button, and we press it when necessary. Sometimes, friends press it for us. Maybe that's how we forget our troubles when the world seems to pinch.

Anybody who knew Tim Spry will never forget him.

Note to Tim, as promised: If you get this blog in heaven -- (Actually, I hate to say it, but if you're getting this blog, you're not in heaven...) -- I hereby take back everything I said about Pedroia. (But not Schilling. I can't do Schilling.) I was just pushing your button. Thanks for pushing mine.

Yanks Score Sec'oState in Obama Cabinet

The national agenda for 2009:

1) Cancel visas for all Japanese pro athletes.
2) TARP bailout funds for CC Sabathia.
3) Predator drones targeted for head of Kevin Youkilis.

A belated 'happy birthday' to Mariano!

Yep, Saturday was Mariano Rivera's birthday.

We've counted on him to be the best for years ... and we're counting on him to lead us for years to come!

And he's now (let me check this here) ... yep, 39 as of Saturday.

So a big HAPPY BIR ... hey, wait a minute.

He's 39?

Oh, shit.

Day 16: Waiting for C.C.

CASH: I'm starting to think he's not coming.
GIRARDI: I'm starting to ponder the essential question of what is time?

CASH: We can't wait forever.

GIRARDI: What else would we do?

CASH: Shop.

GIRARDI: For what?

CASH: For bargains.

GIRARDI: Was this a bargain?
CASH: This is a big ticket.

GIRARDI: A loss leader.

CASH: Shopping is death.

(They ponder the bleak, black, empty horizon, which signifies the future of humankind.)

GIRARDI: Twenty-six trampling days left 'til Christmas.

CASH: At Wal-Mort.

GIRARDI: Permanent layaway.

CASH: Cash and bury.

GIRARDI: Easy checkout.

CASH: They've slashed everything.

GIRARDI: Shop 'til they drop.

CASH: Holiday crush.
GIRARDI: Dead tag sale.

CASH: Everything must go.

GIRARDI: There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's death.

CASH: Reach out and crush someone.

GIRARDI: Mob behavior. So easy a caveman can do it.

(They silently ponder the unrelenting horror of humanity.)

CASH: In a pinch, Swisher can play centerfield.

GIRARDI: Good to know.

CASH: I hate myself.

GIRARDI: Maybe he'll call today.

Cashman Strategy Revealed

To my left is the fetching young Phil Hughes, whom I may trade for a star player with a proven track record. I will know which player to keep and which to deal by the powers of my keen intellect.

I can see that you think ill of Hughes because of his injuries and poor winter pitching.

Unfortunately, because you are so obvious, I know you're bluffing. You actually want Hughes so badly that you're putting on a show, acting as if you don't want him.

Except that you knew I'd see through your bluff, and therefore you would not try such a tactic, and you really don't want Hughes, and I should therefore dump him.

Except, of course, you knew I'd see through your false fake bluff, as well as your secondary bluff, so therefore, I can tell that you're not bluffing, that you do want Hughes, so I should keep him.

But this is exactly what you would want me to think, and I can see it right through you, and therefore I will trade this lovely young prospect...

And steal your star centerfielder, aging, strike-out prone, low average, overpriced Mike Cameron! Hahahahahahaha, you've been completely outwitted!

Day 14: Waiting for C.C.

CASH: I'm leaving. I can't wait any longer.

GIRARDI: We can't leave.

CASH: He's not coming.

GIRARDI: You don't know that.

CASH: I've almost forgotten what we were waiting for.

GIRARDI: You know who.

CASH: (Sadly) Sometimes, I'm not sure. I'm tired of waiting.

GIRARDI: (Angrily). For Melky? We've all waited for Melky.

CASH: And Hughes.

GIRARDI: Hughes! Ugh. I'd forgotten Hughes.

CASH: And Kennedy.

GIRARDI: Kennedy... Kennedy...

CASH:(Sadly) Forever, we'll wait for Kennedy.

GIRARDI: What is forever?

CASH: Colter Bean.

(They stand silently, depressed, pondering essence of non-existence.)

GIRARDI: What do you think he's doing?

CASH: I don't know.

GIRARDI: He could be picking up the phone.

CASH: He could be eating.

GIRARDI: He could be dialing as we speak.

CASH: He could be eating a cub scout troop.

(They stand silently, bowed, pondering the fundamental emptiness of despair.)

GIRARDI: (Sighs) Swisher at first...

CASH: He can also play center!

George W. Bush Makes Excuses

As his presidency limps toward the finish line, there are still pressing matters for W to address, including “easing the transition” (giving White House tours, deleting emails), building his legacy (leaving unwell-enough alone), and availing himself of one of the most awesome perks of his office or the Pope’s (the ability to forgive and absolve completely and irrevocably).

Yes, one of the few superpowers remaining to a lame duck is the power to grant clemency. As with most things, W trails his predecessors. Clinton let 456 miscreants off the hook. Reagan pardoned 406. This week, Bush played catch-up by issuing clemency and pardons for 16 humans and two turkeys.



What's George W. Bush’s idea of a pardonable crime?



Actually, there are a few:



Devin Timothy Kruse – AWOL



Jackie Ray Clayborn, Roger Paul Ingram – illegal drugs charges

Joseph Daniel Gavin – disorderly conduct while under the influence of alcohol

Lewis Libby – obstruction of justice



Pumpkin and Pecan – a real turkey

Poetry Corner: Thanks, God, for the 2008 Yanks

On this sacred thank-you day,
There are some thoughts I'd like to say.
With gratitude for all the news
We've not yet traded Philip Hughes.

To you, dear God, I stand in awe
Of how you twisted Chien-Ming's paw,
And Ian Kennedy's head of clay,
And how Sir Sidney came our way.

And Jorge, sidelined, in a stroller,
So we could get to know Chad Moeller,
And first base, we were solid there,
With Jason's golden underwear.

Thanks for Arod and Madonna,
(Next, please send stronger marijuana.)
And thank you, God, for Hank and Hal.
(We need that dope for our morale.)

Thanks for Yanks who gave their all:
Abreu! inching toward that wall.
Cano! they say he's now all-muscle.
(And will we ever see him hustle?)

Yes, thank you, God, this thankful day,
For Swishers who will come our way.
And next year, thanks to George's dough,
Our new top starter, Derek Lowe.

Some Good News, for a Change

After several days of false starts, new recycling gear aboard the international space station designed to reclaim drinking water from urine turned in an impressive performance on Tuesday.

Day 12. Waiting for CC

GIRARDI: Still no word.
CASH: (despairingly). You're sure he got it?

GIRARDI: He must have got it.
CASH: But you don't know he got it.
GIRARDI: He said he would call.

CASH: But he hasn't called.

GIRARDI: He said to wait. (They look at the tree.) What should we do?
CASH: We can talk about Swisher.

GIRARDI: I don't want to talk about Swisher.
CASH: He's a good player.

GIRARDI: I don't want to talk about Swisher.

CASH: He's a good player.

GIRARDI: I don't want to talk about Swisher.

CASH: (Responding to a sound.) Did you hear that?

GIRARDI: I heard nothing.

CASH: I thought it was a cell phone.

GIRARDI: I heard nothing.

CASH: (Takes out cell phone, shakes it, puts it back.) Perhaps tomorrow.

GIRARDI: Yes, tomorrow.

CASH: He should call soon.
GIRARDI: Any minute now.

CASH: You know, a lot of teams wanted Swisher...

Suffer...

...like my brother-in-law and I suffered last night as we watched all seventy-something minutes of Headin' Home, the 1920 Babe Ruth starrer/biopic, embedded below. Scoll down, press play and:

• SEE! Babe in the reform school nice little house he grew up in with his loving Mom and adorable pigtailed kid sister NEITHER OF WHOM EVER EXISTED!
• SEE! Babe carve a baseball bat from the lucky tree HE NEVER HAD!
• SEE! Babe enjoy a clear-headed sobriety THAT WAS NEVER POSSIBLE!
• SEE! "Jokes" that were professionally written AT LEAST TEN YEARS BEFORE HUMOR BECAME FUNNY!
• SEE! Babe hit a home run! (Sorry! I should have tagged that with a SPOILER ALERT!)
  

Headin' Home @ IMDB :

Ironically, Headin' Home was partially financed by gambler Abe Attell, a gambler who had helped Arnold Rothstein fix the 1919 World Series...

Headin' Home @ Wikipedia:

Filming of the movie occurred during the baseball season of 1920. with Ruth driving across the Hudson River to Haverstraw, New York, for filming in the mornings, then back across the river to play his games in the afternoons.

Headin' Home @ Amazon:

0 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

a great movie about a great man, April 13, 1999

By A Customer

Sample Joke: "Herman wuz a good watch dog when he was awake - HE SLEPT MOST OF THE TIME."

Har!

Also, a title card refers to the ballpark as "The national burial ground for grandmothers." WHAT THE EFF? Oh. I think I get it.

So. Cough. Roll 'em:

It All Ends Tonight

It all ends tonight.

Add 'The Shield' to the list of my favorite shows that are no more.

Hopefully, creator Shawn Ryan doesn't cop out and cut to black with old-ass Journey playing, a la David Chase.

I'm going 3-1 that Vic Mackey ends up dead as disco...

Long Live Dutch Boy!

I'll be at Bex's house in Lincolnville, Maine tonight for the 90-minute finale. C'mon over, y'all !

Recruitment, redsocks style

Crib-snatching; a new low, even for Boston.



Easy to break a longstanding gentleman's agreement when you're not a gentleman, apparently.

A Picture Says a Thousand Words

Killing time here while waiting for the Yankees to sign CC, Tex, Burnett, Sheets, and Manny.

A glance through ye olde photo album sounds fun, no?

Here we go:

After losing out in the AL MVP race to Dusty Pedroia, Yoooouk decides he needs to win over some new voters for next year's cause.

A photo surfaced recently in the AP showing in detail the birth of newly crowned AL MVP Dusty McShorty pants.

Desperate for a ticket, this 'Mother-of-the-Year' finalist does what she has to for a scalper on always classy Yawkey Way. Surprisingly, Theo Epstein's sister (pictured above) gets an all-access pass.

Betcha didn't know Hideki Matsui went to Medical School in Japan. Here, he helps rescue Scooter the Squirrel from the depths of Julio Lugo's ass.

Longtime Lohud Yankees Blog Commentor 'bru' gets a little too close for comfort during a game last summer.

Scooter thinks Cashman should grow some sackage and make offers to CC, Tex, Manny, AJ, Lowe and trade for Peavy.

Since the assault in Central Park last summer, Scooter is now packing heat if and when more Red Sox squirrels show up in town.

World Series MVP Cole Hamels studies the 'scouting reports' with Brett Myers. Dude, what are they, 18 years old? Christ, only in Philly. You know Myers is thinking "I can't wait to beat ta'd'ass after this boring game. Boom, outta here."

Sonofabitch !

Derek Jeter shows us how he really feels about the 'Yellow Tooth Gammonite Emperor'.

Gammonite Jr: 'Right back at ya, bitches!'

This is a 'future photo' of the GM who wakes with a hangover after the first night of the Winter Meetings and Jason Giambi signed for three years and $25M. Paging JP Riccardi....

A picture sayeth a thousandth wordth. Remember, it was our crafty GM, $-man, who said he was ready to go into 2006 with Bubba Crosby in CF. Low and behold, he signs the Cave Man. Reminds me of this winter, with the 'idea' being that this:

is our new first baseman...

At least this is who will be sitting in the 'Friends and Family' Section: His Wife !

Here's to you, Wading Bird

WB's inspiration.

Saves me from going with Colmes leaving Hannity.

November 25, 2008: The Day We Found Hope

"He’s bored. He’s basically a Kabbalah school dropout."

Hot Stove Farm Report: Part 1

The turkey's thawing, the pumpkin pie is cooking and family is about to gather for a day of giving thanks for such a bountiful harvest of prospects in the Yankee farm system.

Let's take a look.

Hey, isn't that guy in the lower left corner outfielder Austin Jackson of the Trenton Thunder? Of course it is! He's a keeper after striking out only 113 times in 131 games last season!



And, say, that looks like catcher Jesus Montero in the upper right corner of the photo below! Well Jesus H. Montero, it's him! The slugging catcher belted 17 dingers for the Charleston RiverDogs in the South Atlantic League last summer. Look out!




What do we have here? Why it's the starting five for the Scranton-Wilkes Barre Yankees! From left it's J.B Cox, Kei Igawa, Eric Milton, Mark Melancon, and Sergio Mitre! That's a fivesome, for sure!

You're probably all wondering, "Who's that handsome chap in the middle?" of the photo below. Why it's red hot pitching prospect Dellin Betances! Say hey, Dellin!


Hold on! Could it be? It is! There's Phil Hughes (lower left, front row!)! Phil's going to mow 'em down this year, you can bet on it!

Let's wrap up this edition of the Hot Stove Farm Report with a visit with lefty fireballer Phil Coke (front and center)! Expect big things from the Coke Man this summer. Big things!

That's all for now! Pass the biscuits and save me a drumstick!

When Time Ceased...

Hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhaha.

Letter to the Editor

Tulsa World
November 23, 2008

The big picture

Every day I see banks closing or being bought out, companies filing for bankruptcy, thousands of people losing jobs, people losing homes to foreclosure. I see people who worked hard all their lives to earn enough money to have a decent retired life. I see the New York Yankees offering a pitcher $140 million to throw a baseball a few innings a week. Somehow the big picture looks like it was painted by Salvador Dali.

Bill Payne

Broken Arrow

Time Machine: November 4, 2005

Torii Hunter To The Yankees
By Tim Dierkes [November 4, 2005 at 11:04pm CST]

The Yankees' need for a center fielder is well known. The latest rumor making the rounds is that GM Brian Cashman will make a play to acquire Torii Hunter from the Twins.
Although his glovework hasn't been anything special since 2001, the Yankees are after Hunter mainly to solidify their outfield defense. The 30 year-old Hunter never really developed plate discipline, but he'd still be worth a couple of wins compared to the current shell of Bernie Williams.

Hunter is under contract for 2006 at $10.75MM, and the Twins would love to get that money off the books to pursue a slugger. His 2007 club option for $12MM could be picked up by the Yanks if Hunter can remain a four win player in '06. With his defense slipping, Hunter may try to reinvent himself as a patient slugger like Moises Alou did in 1997.

The Yankees won't give up Robinson Cano to acquire Hunter, and Eric Duncan is out of the question. Instead, the Twins might take Andy Phillips and try him at third base. A promising young starter like Matt DeSalvo (3.02 ERA at Double A Trenton in 2005) would also be necessary. The Twins' bounty may be less than impressive as they're eager to shed Hunter's salary.

Jesus....

I don't know what from that highlighted section of the final paragraph hurts the most:

That Cashman could have gotten Torri Hunter BACK THEN for Matt DeSalvo and Andy Phillips.

Or...

That Eric Duncan was considered 'out of the question.'

Does Duncan have picks of Cashman in precarious positions?