Is Romine Going To Start Tonight?

Hopefully, Duque will be watching on a wall mounted TV whilst he entertains folks at the Library tonight.

But I thought Romine would have been given a shot yesterday.

Meanwhile, of our 10 top prospects not currently at the stadium:

1. Mason Williams has a hangover.
2.  Banuelos is doing nothing.
3. Sanchez is slipping, a bit.  His BA that is.
4.  Tyler Austin remains a solid .250 player.
5.  Ooga dooga ( that second baseman with the weird name ) is falling.
6.  Montgomery ( once an 11th round pick ) is lights out at Scranton in relief.
7.  Heathcott, who has all the tools, uses none of them on the field.


I can't remember the other guys.  But there are no exciting stories to relate, and there is no reason for optimism.

Remember that guy Santos that Seattle threw us in the Pineda robbery?  He is sucking in Charleston.

So, is Romine in the line-up?

What a delight it is to host those jolly good fellows from Toronto!

Every now and then, your favorite aunt visits, reminding you of why life is worth living.  She brightens your day, rekindles joyous memories, and the family is sad to see her leave.

O, Toronto!  Dear Aunt B.J.!  May she always play against us!

What a fun weekend! As John calls him, "our old friend" Melky got a hit game one - nearly beat us. Brett Lowrie, the future superstar, continues to develop. He got a hit - almost beat us. And C.Y. Dickey, returning to N.Y. - almost beat us. Four good games. Not one blowout! That's competition!

Best part? The gifts she brought: Vernon Wells and Lyle Overbay. After the first three games, who expected Sunday to be most enjoyable? Yet Lyle hit it a mile - and Mariano held the line.

We are 15-9, still drafting the legendary '13 Miracle Redsocks, who carry the congealed hopes of the nation on their shoulders. Toronto starts a three-game set with Boston, then later goes to Tampa. It's nice to have Aunt B.J. be a little surly when she leaves. She might not be so enjoyable this week. 

Traditionally, May is a cruel Yankee month. It could be the month when some of our stars straggle back. Grandy - along with his Ks - means less ABs for Vernon Wells, who has been wonderful. Tex means Overbay walks the plank. Later, Jeet's return will give Nunez time to start thinking about each throw, and God knows what kind of A-bomb Arod will inflict upon this clubhouse.

Last year, during a hell patch, we picked Dewayne Wise off the scrap heap, and he played his heart out. He stole bases, hit HRs and played impeccable OF. Then we cut him. He went to Chicago and beat us a few games.  I wish we had Aunt B.J.'s number on speed-dial, so she could come when we need her. But visits this this don't happen that often. Next time, we might get her evil twin. But, ahhhh, what a weekend.

Potential headlines resulting from the arrival of Vidal Nuno

Nuno is Numero Uno.

Vidal Sass-Owns the Redsox

Nuno is Bueno

Blue Jays Gore Vidal

Aceves II? Ladies and gentlemen, the Vidal Nuno Era is about to begin

Across the Yankiverse, the anguished cries have long resounded: "Give us a new Alfredo! Give us a new Edwar! Give us a new Aaron." (As in, "Aceves, Ramirez and Small, oh my!")

Yesterday, the Retrieval Empire promoted from its Amish Country coalyard the soft-tossing mystery man, Vidal "Sassoon As Possible" Nuno. Now what?

Before we discuss the usual whosies, whatsies, whensies and wheresies... (mah! such jocularity, such wit, on a Sunday, too!) let's go directly to the How... as in... "This is not my beautiful wife, this is not my beautiful house... how did we get here?"

Well, in the Year of the Scrapheap, how do you think we got here? We signed him... from a hobo jungle... as he was attempting to board a circus train. We did it last summer. Somebody must have seen something. Because ever since Mr. Nuno showed up from Nowhereville, he has thrown zeros onto scoreboards. So... what do we have?

1. The Alfredo Scenario: He's an MLB long-and-short reliever, the real deal. He'll be around for four or five years. We should not - (talking to you, Cashman) - let him just walk out the door. He represents the kind of found-talent lugnut that helps teams win rings.

2. The Aaron Scenario: He's got the better part of a season in him. He could be our fifth starter, and we might not miss Ivan Nova one iota. (Hmmm, that's almost a poem.) No long term Yankee, but we still smile when thinking of Smallball.

3. The Edwar Scenario: For two weeks, Edwar Ramirez looked like the 2nd Coming of Mariano. Then, well, kaboom. There actually are a lot of commonalities between Edwar and Vidal - most notably their weirdly cool first names. 

4. The Colter Scenario: Mr. Bean was a legend in Triple A, after we picked him up from the scrap heap. Soft-tosser, too. All I remember were home runs flying out, and games going with it. I believe Colter set back the chances of every soft-tossing pitcher in the minor leagues.

So here we are, folks. This is one of the truly enjoyable parts of being a psychotic Yankee fan: A story emerges out of nowhere, an International Man of Mystery pops up (actually, Nuno is a California guy), and we're about to inscribe into the fossil record. This is like a Disney movie in 1975. Maybe we just opened a can of Flubber gas, and the Yankiverse will be forever changed. If not, well, Simba, the circle of life must keep turning. How's that Montgomery kid pitching in Scranton? Hakuna mutata!

Who Has Worse Luck?

Francisco Cervelli.

Calling Dr. Andrews....

I already know the results of Ivan Nova's MRI.  Not because my apartment is across the street from the Hospital For Special Surgery in NYC, but because I know the look in Nova's eyes.



                                                                             

Here is what happens next:

1.  MRI shows some kind of strain but no apparent structural damage.

2. It is determined that Nova should be shut down for 3-4 weeks.

3.  Soft tossing begins after that and, a week later, he tries to throw from a mound.

4.  All goes well and he is sent to Scranton to build arm strength.

5.  He feels a tweek in his second Scranton outing, in the 5th inning, and is pulled for precautionary reasons.

6.  His next bullpen session goes well and he is called back to the stadium.

7.  He gets rocked early and is pulled by the fourth inning, down 6 runs.

8.  A second MRI confirms a tear and he is scheduled for Tommy John surgery.

9.  Dr. Andrews informs us that the surgery was successful.

10.  2013 and 2014 are lost for Ivan.

11.  Chin Ming Wing replaces him as our fifth starter.

"Hey, Romine, take off the gear, you're coming out, we just got a call, something happened..."

"TIME, UMP, time out!

"Austin! Yeah, Romie! Lose the mask. You're done for the night. We just got some news... how do I put this... Cashman just called. Frankie Cervelli broke his hand. They need you. They're calling your name.

"Ump, we're replacing Romine. Nope, as of now.  Nope, you're not finishing the inning. You're done. They want you at the stadium by eleven a.m. Get home, get your stuff, and get packed, they're expecting you. I'm betting Joe starts you tomorrow...

"Hey, Romie, one last thing. Gonna miss you. Up to you now. I always knew you'd get a shot. You gotta take it. You gotta kill it. You're not coming back, understand? Do us right. This is it. I don't want to see you back here.

"ALL RIGHT, GUYS, THAT'S ENOUGH! NOT SO HARD! This guy gets hurt celebrating in the dugout, they'll put my head on a stick!  Take his picture, everybody, he's gone! Aint coming back!

"All right, who can catch? You caught in high school? So be it. As of now, your nickname is Gus Molina..."

The Yankees, first in age and near last in stolen bases, wait beneath the ground, listening for signs of their rescuers

Today, I used Hal 3000 for some fancy-dan number crapola, to see if the stats square with my sense that we're sitting in a coal shaft with a coughing canary. We're tapping on the wall, listening for a response, hoping to be rescued by Grandyman, Tex, Arod, Jeet, Chien-Ming Wang, a peachfuzz or two from Trenton and - of course - the light at the end of the tunnel, Michael "not Jesus" Pineda. Tap tap. Nothing. Tap tap. Polly want a bullet?

We win and look awesome, lose and look awful. With Toronto losing Reyes and watching Mark Buerle morph into Kevin Millwood, the AL power has shifted to Boston - which we know is an emotion-charged mirage. The only question is how good Tampa's young pitchers will be and what the Rays will be like when that stud OF from the KC trade arrives. But here are some stats to ponder. In rankings of AL teams, the Yankees are:

First in ages of both hitters (31.9) and pitchers (32.4).  No surprise. When the regulars return, it will only worsen. Until we get help from the minors - probably in 2015 - we just grow older and more feeble.  This, of course, is the looming Yankee apocalypse.

Thirteenth in stolen bases. WTF? Gardner looks like he's dragging an invisible colostomy bag. Ichiro stole No. 1 last night. Nuney can't steal first. I thought we would be blazing the paths. (By the way, we are fourth in caught stealing.) This will change soon.

First in home runs. Hooray? Oh crap? I dunno. Another season of Jack Custs and Richie Sextons? We should start considering the possibility that all this HR crap is due to the new Yankee Stadium, a bandbox, akin to Coors Field and the Homerdome. (At last! A reason that explains why we drafted Dante Bichette Jr.!) We won last night with HRs. We won't win in October with them.

Thirteenth in walks. Unforgivable. We are supposed to be grinders. Ichiro, of course, refuses to walk, but let's not obsess on him - at least until June. Here is where we really miss Nick Swisher. But hey - the Steinbrothers saved money. All you Yankee austerity fans, crack the bubbly.

Fifth in runs. Vernon Wells. Where would we be without him?

Seventh in ERA. Not bad. Middle of the pack. And that's where we are - two above .500. Tap tap. Shhh. Hear anything? Tap tap. Are they coming?

Is the Yankee rotation simply too old?

Pictured (L to R): Sabathia, Nova, Pettitte, Kuroda, Hughes.

A Few Comments About Our Number Two Prospect

I saw the Mason Williams story come across the wires while I was having a manhattan ( actually, I always have at least three ) and ranting about why the Yankees cannot score, and how long I will have to starve myself until our next run crosses the plate.

So I did a little reflecting:

1.  There is a reason we refer to Mason Williams as our " number two " prospect.  This DUI act
 is " number two" all the way.  I would have felt better if he had actually been successful driving his car up the steps into "Mary Catherine The Redeemer" church.

2.  I like drinking as well as the next guy ( actually, more ), but I never drink and drive.  I either stay where I am or, if my driver is nearby with the Escalade SUV, I'll let her take me home.

3.  Mason Williams was once considered, " a five tool " prospect.  Let's take a closer look:

A.  One of his tools ( his brain ) is apparently an anvil.  So he is now a four tool prospect.

B.  At 129 pounds, while fully drenched in his uniform, carrying a bat, glove and ball, and wearing spikes, Mason has no power.  He hasn't hit a home run since high school.  So I give him 3 tools, at best.

C.  Although, at .271 in "A" ball at Tampa, one wonders if he can he really hit?  One 0-4 day and I'll bet he is hitting .235.

D.  He maybe can throw and run.  This kid is a dumb, two tool player.

Quick, let's draw up a $100 million contract.

Luckily, the Yankees cleared me to have food again.

Don't tell Alphonso about this

"Clues of impairment?" DWB?

Dellin Bettances

I can tell you this:

1.  Dellin will walk a man an inning in his next outing, or

2.  He will be serving middle of the plate offerings that will get rocked.

3.  If he gets back to the bigs ( let's say during the September call-up, when the Yanks are officially eliminated ), he will still suck.

4.  His body cannot be controlled.  It is like asking a giraffe to pitch.

I will also say;

Read more >>

In The 7th Inning Last Night....

I vowed that I would not eat again until the Yankees score a run.

We have such a miserably inept batting order that it may cost me more than a few pounds.

 What is the longest shut-out streak by any major league team?

I am sick of watching Yankee batters with averages below .200.  In San Francisco's case, below .100.

How do people get paid multiple hundreds of thousands of dollars, and sometimes millions, to do this?

Read more >>

Yankeetorial: By refusing to take walks, Ichiro isn't doing us or himself any favors

First, a caveat: It's wayyyyy too soon to count out Ichiro Suzuki. Last year, he proved Seattle wrong; those people getting stoned at the Space Needle have to admit he had gas left in the tank. Maybe he'll do the same to his critics this year, as well.

But let's hope it happens soon - as in, right now. If he doesn't spring to life, we've got problems. Because when the Grandyman finally can, he's going to take an outfield position from someone - that is, unless we see another injury - and it would be Ichiro going to the bench, and I don't think he'll like it.

Ichiro's on-base percentage currently stands at .266. In other words, if a guy is batting just .270 - he's ahead of Ichiro already - not counting the walks. It's the lowest on-base percentage among Yankee starters - (assuming we can agree that Jason Nix is not a starter) - and his four walks thus far amount to half of what the feared slugger Francisco Cervelli has attained. The red hot Eduardo Nunez - batting .174 - has an OBP of .273.

The other day, Ichiro came up with two outs, the bases loaded and a pitcher who had walked the last two batters. On the first pitch, he bounced a grounder to second. OK, that's baseball, nobody's perfect... and like I say, you can't count the guy out.

But I find nothing more frustrating than Ichiro sitting on a 3-1, 3-0, or 2-0 count. He never works a walk. He appears to have as much bat control as anybody in the game...  but he never grinds for a walk. And face it: An on-base percentage of .266 is horrible.

Which leads me to one final lament: In the face of all our cost-cutting, we signed him for two years. The official line seems to be that we signed him because of the marketing possibilities  with Japan, the action figures, the placemats and coffee mugs, etc.  WTF? We're the Yankees. We're not supposed to be thinking of nickels and dimes. Two years? While we're trying to cut payroll?

It's hard to see Ichiro holding up for two years - especially if he can't adjust his game and start working the counts now - when his playing time is on the line.

Big Papi's Bomb: The Poem

Though Boston can be dark and gritty,
In one man’s eyes, she’s always pretty.
He should lead some p.r. committee.

Big Papi loves that fuckin’ city.

He’s always showing style and grace,

Puts smiles upon each cherub’s face,

And pessimism? There's not a trace.
Big Papi loves that fuckin’ place.

Though sometimes, evil runs amok,

And Boston's team seems out of luck,
One voice shall rise above the muck.

‘Cause Papi gives a fuckin’ fuck!

Now they want to take away our right to vote A-Rod onto the All-Star team

First, they knock A-Rod out of the equation. Soon, they're knocking at your door. Yep. All that crap they told us about democracy? Forget it. Major League Baseball is saying to America, "You want to vote A-Rod onto your all-star team? Move to Cuba."

MLB is refusing to put Alex Rodriguez on the All-Star ballot. You know why? Because it fears he would win.

OK, I know what you're thinking: Duque, you have finally gone a quarter shy of a nickel. A-Rod can't play in the all-star game because he's out until the all-star break. Nobody would vote for him. And if they did, he couldn't play.

1. Right now, the plan is for A-Rod to join the Yankees sometime after the all-star break. Last time I looked, the all-star break starts the day before the All-Star game. Technically, he could be back.

2. Doesn't the world want an interesting all-star game? This could be A-Rod's first at bat - against, say, old Cranky Greinke of the Dodgers, who could also be throwing his first pitch. Wouldn't that be neat?

3. The Yankees could approach is as part of A-Rod's live game rehabilitation assignemt.

4. Who are we going to elect? Will Middlebrook?

Some folks say totalitarianism begins when they take the guns. No, sir, it does not. It begins when they take your thirdbaseman.

Mental note

Remind me not to celebrate so fast next time authorities arrest an Elvis impersonator.

Mental note

Next time I hack the AP Twitter feed, remind me to sell off my Solyndra stock 15 minutes earlier... rather than later. 

Did reverse juju save Dellin Betances' career last night?

Yesterday, the tortured Voice of Reverse Juju - Alphonso - called out the Yankee farm system, contending that the only reason it has a top 10 list of prospects is that is has 10 players. The words stung like rubbing alcohol after a botched Gillette MACH 3 Turbo Razor shave. No one who read it could ever again drive through Scranton or Trenton without shuddering with despair.

To the untrained eye, this savage tonguelashing would appear to be a textbook example of web-based alcoholism. In fact, it was one of the greatest displays of Reverse Juju in recent times. "Reverse Juju" is the use of negativity to inspire your team to win. The classic example is to say, as most everyone did last night, "Ichiro never gets a hit," moments before he drove in the winning runs.

Yesterday, Alphonso ripped the farm system brutally and seemingly permanently, training his guns on an eternal prospect of Brackmanistic proportions, the now 25-year-old pitcher Dellin Betances. Yes, just typing that ridiculous-sounding name shrivels my manhood to the size of a baby carrot. Since the time of Jesus, Yankee fans have been awaiting the coming of Betances, one of the original - try not to laugh - "Killer Bees."

Betances is one of those prospects who looks far better coming off the bus than coming into the game. He stands 6'8", a living testament to all the goliaths who shut down the Yankees without a peep - while we end up serving the luke warm likes of Colter Bean and Todd Erdos.

Last night, Betances - who Triple A hitters this spring have been greeting like Jerry Cooney in the lobby of the Mohawk Sun - went seven innings, gave up one run, three hits, struck out seven and walked only one batter. One.

Obviously, one game doesn't salvage a prospect. But Betances needed that game. The Yankee farm system needed that game. If - and it's a Big If, granted - Betances could figure out how to engineer that ectomorphic frame into a pitching motion, we might actually get something from our farm system this year. I'm talking about an impact player, not a middle innings bullpen lugnut or a 28 year old scrapheaper Cuban.

I just hope - nay, I pray it - that by discussing this, I haven't destroyed the Reverse Negativity Hypodermic of Juju Juice that Alphonso surgically injected into the farm system. But desperate times call for desperate measures. It's Dealin' Betances!

John's WinWarble: 6.39 seconds (respectable, but not noteworthy)

At this point in the season, the last thing you want is your starter blowing out his woofers on an attempted 7-second WinWarble.

Yes, Mariano won it. Yes, it was a big win. But listen to John hold the line and keep it within a tight 6.50.  He's like Tiger Woods with the final put to win the Master's: He's excited, he's happy, yet he's not about to jeopardize the season by doing something stupid. 

A 6.39 is serviceable, and it's why John remains the preeminent innings-eater in broadcasting.

For you techno-buffs, here is a labled 2-D graphic audio footprint, directly from the sonic footprint registry. Notice the even flow and steady level maintenance. The lack of deterioration on his delivery is phenomenal. He keeps everything within parameters.

We cannot reasonably expect this Yankee team to win without its heart and soul

Get well, Mr. Pinstripes

Yankee Futures Mostly Down

There is an organization that gives a weekly assessment of the Yankee's top ten prospects.

I did have a major argument with that source, not about their postings, but about the issue of whether the Yankees actually have ten prospects, much less a top ten.
In any case, they convinced me that as long as the Yankees have more than ten active players cumulative, in their minor league system, the top ten handle still applies.

Even my final arguments that players over 30 shouldn't be considered prospects, and nor should players who have gone the wrong way ( i.e from AAA to AA to A, etc ) be considered prospects, were rejected.

  So here are a few highlights, nonetheless:

1. Our top prospect, Gar Sanchez, is putting up powerful numbers, playing in Tampa ( forgot that the minors went that low, didn't you?)  By the way, that catcher ( whose name I am blanking on ) who couldn't beat out Cervelli or Stewart in spring training, is no longer a top ten prospect.

2. Mason Williams, our 137 pound ( with spikes on ) number two prospect, is a solid .275 singles hitter, also in Tampa.  Remember that name;  Tampa.  It is as far away from the majors as the moon is from Syracuse.

3.  Ranked number 3 is Tyler Austin, an outfielder who is rated as " good at everything," but not great at anything. Currently, a .250 hitter in Tampa.

4.  Slade Heatcott is a solid number 4 rated prospect, due to his .191 batting average and his feistiness.  He has , so far, had more injuries than Terrell Thomas.  And he is not as young as he was last year, or the year before.  He may have a future in professional wrestling.

5.  My favorite is our number 5 ranked prospect;  Manny Banuelos.  Just call him Mr. Hospital of 2013 and beyond.  The nurses love him, and he loves the jello.

When I think of Manny, my mind drifts to our other "killer B," Dellin Betances, who is now sporting a 13.50 ERA in Scranton.  Headed for Tampa, I say, and I don't mean the Rays.  This is another 6'8"
guy ( along with Andy Brackman ) who chose the wrong sport.

6.  Which brings me to another area of argument I had with the prospect rating service;  why are two of the top ten ( maybe three if you include Heathcott ) of the Yankee's best prospects rated at all, while living in hospitals?  Ty Hensley, our top draft pick (and a RHP,) is recovering " just great" from his recent hip surgery.  Note how well A-Rod is recovering from same.  I wonder if this guy can play third?

7.  Angelo Gumbs a second baseman, is our 7th rated top prospect. And while being on the 7 day disabled list doesn't exactly qualify him as another hospital player, his .088 BA tells me he might not make their softball teams.

8.  Mark Montgomery RHP.  This is the only player in the Yankees minor league system who might actually help the team, but the Yankees prefer to let him languish in hell until he becomes so discouraged he asks ( no, begs ) to be traded anywhere.  Prediction:  we lose him in a deal at the trade deadline, bringing in another portly 35+ player who no longer has a glove.

9.  In 9th position, and reminding us all how Yankee scouting and drafting is worse than blindly throwing darts at a page of names, is Dante Bichette, Jr.  Focus on the Jr.  His dad was decent, but the son is putrid.  Dante sports a less than intimidating .171 average, but leads all Yankee prospects with 21 K's.  And he doesn't pitch.

10.  Zollo Almonte.  Highly rated, I assume, because of his unique first name, Zollo's stock has recently been on an upswing because his BA has risen to .275.  He has no power, of course.

Is Brian Cashman still defending the richness and depth of the minor league system he has built?  Or is he drinking bourbon and making travel plans?

A philosophical question each of us must address regarding the looming Yankee apocalypse

Which sign along the road to Stump, Maryland, represents a deeper, more Stygian future Yankee darkness? Think carefully:

1. Ben Francisco batting second.

2. Ben Francisco playing as DH.

Listen: I have no personal axe to grind with Ben Francisco. He's probably a lovely man. But when the Retrieval Empire  added him, I foresaw his role as a defensive OF, a demon on the paths and a late-inning PH for a Nix, a Stewart or the other Francisco, as in Cervelli. On opening day, I was astonished and - yes, a bit frightened - to see Ben listed as our DH. I thought, "No, I'm dreaming this. I'll wake up and find Ron Hassey and Chili Davis have returned, because we always have at least four 35-year-old milk trucks sitting in the dugout, waiting to swing the donut-bat."

Well, I was wrong.

OK, I don't want to sit here and just gripe, gripe, gripe about Ben Francisco. That's what Redsock fans do. (Can we start ridiculing Redsock fans again?) But if I were an opposing manager, I would study last night's Yankee lineup and tell my starter, "Yu, forget about throwing right-handed: Tonight, you're a lefty!" 

Yes, it's early. And yes, it's complicated. We have Grandyman and the Text Message returning. We have Jeet and Arod coming back - maybe. There are roster spots and options, contracts and waiver wires to consider - all the things we pig-headed bloggarts never understand. But Ben Francisco, DH? Come on!

Somewhere out there, Ronnier Mustellier - the only newcomer to rouse my flaccid hopes in spring training - is still icing his meaty, black-and-blue thighs. The guy heals more slowly than the Pope - not the one in office, but the one feeding the pigeons. What happened to Musty? One day, he's on the verge of coming north. Next, he's "bruised." Bruised? (Actually, he's supposed to join Scranton next week.) Jeet plays whole seasons bruised. Must be a hell of a bruise. Because Ben Franciso is our DH.

Oh, and if you're scoring at home: The answer to the above philosophical question is not one or two. It's the one I couldn't bring myself to include. All of the above. Because that's what we saw last night.

The name of the spokeswoman for Robinson Cano's nonprofit foundation may have turned up in the notes from the Biogenesis company that may have been providing performance enhancing drugs to major leaguers

Well, you can't ignore that kind of evidence. You get the tar, I'll get the feathers...

ESPN - now doing more investigative work on Yankee players than the entire U.S. media did on the reasons for invading Iraq - says this newest issue surrounds the international lady of mystery known as Sonia Cruz. She has worked for Robinson Cano's foundation and has also been a Biogenesis client. Hmm.

She claims it was for a $300 weight loss program. Does she think we're daft? That's exactly what she'd say if she were lying!

Here's how it must have gone down: Cruz - as public spokesperson for Cano's operation - certainly would be the last person to generate attention. Thus, she put on a quick 50 pounds, then went to Biogenesis for the "weight loss" program. (Wink, Wink). She paid $300 for top of the line Angry Bull AndroGel Testosterone Number 99, which she swallowed in a plastic balloon, muled to the Yankee dugout, pooped onto the shower floor, where it was retrieved and safely injected into Robbie's buttocks by A-Rod. A perfect crime. The lady did it.

Cano has denied knowing clinic founder Tony Bosch or having ever used performance-enhancing drugs. But as his best friend, Melky Cabrera, his mentor, Alex Rodriguez, and now his spokeswoman have all been connected to clinic documents, MLB wants to know whether any relationship between Cano and the clinic exists.

(Insert sigh here.)

I know, I know... it's sorta journalism the way it should be done, the Woodward and Bernstein way, and it's nice that ESPN - or somebody - is following the ol' money trail... but it's pro sports, folks, pro sports. It's not war, politics, taxes, death or poisoned rivers. Good grief, folks, it's a business predicated on organizations and individuals constantly trying to find and maintain physical advantages for a bunch of mercenary warriors. Nobody wants steroids, or deer antler spray, or anything. But listen: This is a forever war, my friends. It never ends. It never gets won. It just goes on and on - and eats away at the sport, just as recruiting violations endlessly tear the heart from the NCAA.

One other thing: It's always targeted on the high profile players and teams. It's always taking down the stars, the hall of famers, the heroes from yesterday. It's a forever losing war, my friends. Because if you win it, you destroy the legacy of baseball past. (As we have done with Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, et al - who were not by any level the only people abusing drugs.) So Robbie's next? Done. He'll hear it in every stadium. He'll get asked in every city. Nothing like a reference to the Yankees puts a smile on a web editor. That's traffic, baby, traffic. In simple terms: Chasin' clicks with Jason Nix.

I wish I had the answer. But it seems to me that MLB tests pee and blood on a regular basis. When a guy tests positive, he gets suspended. These "investigations" based on a notepad found in a clinic are loops off into a tangent. The feds want no part of them, so MLB is launching its own little hunt. And the longer the hunters hunt, the more pressure they face to bag a name. A big name. So here we are... Robbie Cano, doncha know?

First Five Picks in Our NFL Mock Draft

1. Kansas City Chiefs: "You have something on your chin... no, the third one down."

2. Jacksonville Jaguars: "Come again when you can't stay so long."

3. Oakland Raiders: "I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission."

4. Philadelphia Eagles: "You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, 'Concentrate.'"

5. Detroit Lions: "A million sperm and you were the quickest?"

By bunting, Travis Hafner yesterday broke the sacred Yankee Sluggers Code of Homerabbi

In the ninth inning of yesterday's bullpen-fueled heart attack, new Yankee Travis Hafner spat upon a grand tradition that extends to the final whiffs of the Giambino Curse: Facing an overwhelming defensive shift - six fielders jammed onto the right side - instead of taking his normal cuts, the honorable strikeout for a Yankee slugger, Hafner laid down a bunt.

Naturally, he was thrown out at first base, and the game ended. And it's his fault we lost.  What was he thinking?

The true Yankee way - as evidenced by last season - is to deal with excessive overshifts by ripping at the ball harder, so you either drive the ball all the way to Schenectady or strike out. Why do anything else? You'll simply hit the ball to a fielder.

Obviously, Hafner hasn't been with the team long enough to understand the Yankee Code. Yesterday, we were four runs down with two outs in the ninth. This was the perfect time for a two run HR - (some call these Arod homers) - because it would cut the final deficit in half. But Hafner, in his deranged thinking, saw the entire left side of the infield wide open and somehow reasoned that a single was as good as a HR. (He obviously doesn't understand winter contract negotiations either.) So he laid one down.

I just hope other Yankees did not see this. I'd hate to think Hafner planted some notion in sluggers heads that they should adjust their ways or think about game situations -  rather than go up and take their full-scale, moonshot, luxury yacht cuts. We've had a good April thus far, mostly because these scrap heap vets seem to want to win rather than hit their 40. Let's hope nobody saw it. (And damn, it's a shame Haf didn't make it; wasn't Lyle Overbay on deck?) 

Do you believe in miracles? Yesh.

This just in: We have no bullpen

It twinged Saturday when we couldn't hold it for Kuroda. Now this... Logan never got an out, and Phelps is turning into the long man who doesn't last very long.

Danger, Will Robinson (Cano), Danger....

Mental note

Write this down:

Next time I run off the rails, shoot me.

But don't call me "Dzhokhar."

(This is not the post that generated the ensuing comments.)

The beauty of journeymen is that they have a lot of vendetta lists

Sometime this season, Nick Swisher will beat us. We know this. It always happens: The ex-Yankee has a big day against us. The tradition extends back far before Reggie, the Angel, clubbed his HR, prompting the Yankee Stadium crowd to chant "Steinbrenner sucks." Probably, Wally Pipp beat in a some game. John simply calls them, "our old friend," whether it's Benny Ayala or Bobby Abreu. You can't predict baseball - (?) - but John knows what's going to happen.

Well, this year, all that time spent picking through the slag pile has turned up something we overlooked in the past: Vengeance.

Look at Vernon Wells in Toronto, where some of the fans hate him. (Keep in mind, they hate him because of his big contract; they're taking the side of the billionaire owner, which gave him that contract. That's a small market mentality, which Yankee fans must always fight; in fact, all fans should reject it.) Personally, I can't wait to see what Vernon has in store for the Angels, who traded him for a handful of magic beans.

Youkilis has unfinished business with the Redsocks and White Sox. But the real prize winner in terms the Bruce Willis-style vendetta sweepstakes could bes Lyle Overbay. Look at all the teams he's played for (as shown on his Baseball Reference page.) For those of you scoring at home, it's: Blue Jays, Brewers, Diamondbacks, Pirates and Braves. Good grief, if all Lyle does is hit well against former team, he could be an all-star.

And let's not forget Ben Francisco: Indians, Phillies, Astros, Blue Jays and Rays.

Of course, we fear the wheels are destined to fall off this team - (too much age, not enough young blood; Cashman is not trying to build a rope bridge to July... but to 2015.) Nevertheless, we can exact revenge on former lovers! Eat this, Toronto! (And let's walk Melky today whenever he comes to bat.)

Breaking News: John predicts baseball

From Anonymous:

You need a home on this blog for comments not related to your posts... Because I bring breaking news.

11th inning, John S stated if th Yankees get the lead, Mariano is up. He then says Ichiro is going to bunt, and that someone might throw the ball away. Seconds later, Ichiro bunts, some Blue Jay throws the ball away, Yanks get the lead, and Mariano gets up.

All of this made me realize, you cannot predict baseball. That means YOU. John is taunting us, because he predicts baseball all the time, and has to keep reminding us that YOU (aka, us) cannot.

Should the Redsocks game have been canceled?

OK, I get it. The bastards had killed innocent people and were a threat to kill more, so the public safety system needed to send an all-out message: Authority will stop at nothing, spend whatever it takes, do whatever it takes to catch and kill you dirty stinking terrorists.

So 630,000 people were told to stay home, lock their doors and watch the TV manhunt - which, by the way, was sponsored by Lifestyle Lifts and AndroGel 1.62. (Just as the YouTube and Hulu clips of the crossfire were quickly accompanied by ads.)

A question - and I ask it humbly: After you shut down the city's 21st largest city - canceling not only baseball and hockey games, but pressing down the boot on every personal event in the human scale - to hunt down one guy - one 19-year-old guy -  have you not just put a gleam in the eye of every disillusioned youth or alienated loner out there? One guy shuts down an entire city?

Should Authority be allowed to cancel daily life, as we know it?

Remember the Beltway sniper attacks of 2002? Those two killed 10 over 23 days. For all the public outrage and fear, Authority didn't cancel daily life.

OK, I hate to bring this up - but Thursday night, they had the assholes pinned down - no way short of a Tarantino movie for anyone to escape. Somehow the kid turns into a mix of Ryan Gossling and Claude Raines, punches through the front line and rides off into the dawn. Let's accept that shit happens in the chaos of gunfire and the cloak of night, and let's be thankful no bystanders died in that incredible crossfire, which sounded like the London millennium fireworks display... but I wonder... did him getting away cause somebody to go a wee bit overboard?

Yesterday - the people of Boston, ordered to stay home and watch TV - witnessed the most overwhelming display of armed and armored Authority in our nation's history. The police declared martial law and stopped commerce, traffic - daily life - in an entire U.S. city. To catch one guy. 

Thank God they got him. Thank God it's over. (Fingers crossed.) And if you disagree with me, fine. I don't claim to have the answers. But none of the TV news personalities  I watched yesterday asked any of these questions. They just marveled at the cop presence like debutantes cooing over the muscles of their bodyguards.

I just hope we rethink this business of calling the game and canceling life whenever something bad happens. Because evil didn't end yesterday.

Consider this statement:

It's not just the day after yesterday. It's also the day before tomorrow.

Now, does that line give you fear... or hope? If you think fear, my friends, something has gone terribly wrong.

Hub fans bid kid adieu

Manhunt over. Yankees win. Thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh... YANKEES WIN!

(Idea by MANX)

And how did they lure Michael Dukakis out of retirement?

Yanks finally offer comfort to beleagured city of Boston

We Had Plenty Of Chances To Win

We had runners in scoring position at least twice during the extra innings horror show last night.
A clutch hit gives us a clutch win.  Instead, we just wasted a good night's sleep.

Let's be honest here, our bullpen is not deep and reliable

-   We can't use MO every day.
-   Robertson is usually a one inning guy
-   Joba did well with horrid defense around him ( for the major leagues )
-   Phellps is best when we are down 6-1 in the second, and comes in to give us 4 innings
-   Logan rarely gets out the batter he is called upon to get out, then surprises by setting down all the        
    right handed hitters ( if he stays in the game )

There is at least one guy in our bullpen I never heard of, but I'm guessing he is not a Yankee farm product.  And he probably sucks.

I guess our goal should be to stay within 4 games of first by the all star game, though I can't figure out why it will matter.

Anyone think the Yankees will publicly mention the idea of Derek playing third instead of shortstop?  I say not as long as the A-Rod issue still looms.  If he is jailed or limps off into the night of wealth and excess ( he, too, may be unable to play effectively any longer ), then maybe.  I'm not sure Derek will be able to play third, either.

Nunny could easily have had two errors last night ( Overbay saved one ).  And he was one of the culprits with the winning run on base.  Although he spanked a hard line drive, and it is hard to direct those things.

Why am I bothering?

Yankeetorial: Another comeback to nowhere

Why the Diamondbacks? Why the twelfth? Or a better question... why can't we win after miracle comebacks?

Last night, it was Brosius and Tino all over again. One out in the ninth, Arizona closer on the mound, when Francisco Cervelli - back from a year of exile on the NYS Thruway - hits a game-tying home run. When a guy who might hit 10 HRs all season ties the game in the ninth with a dinger, dammit, you're not supposed to lose in extra innings. You're supposed to win. The juju gods just gave you the door prize. You're not supposed to lose it on the ride home.

Of course, we saw it happen last fall against Detroit. Raul hits his miracle shot, tying game one. In the moments after that slam, I would have bet my esophagus that we would win the game and the series. Same way I felt a year earlier, when we came back to stomp the Texas Rangers in game one - our fast-exit series.

What can you say about a loss like last night? Hooray for us, we came back? I'll give Joe credit: Nobody can say his Yankees ever quit. But we fall into serious 10th inning funks, and it's almost as if we expect to lose. Last night, Heath Bell's ERA was pushing infinity, yet the reliever shut us down. And David Phelps - God bless him - seems a much different pitcher in the late innings than in the early ones.

Today, we stand in the AL in team stolen bases. How can this be? We have a lineup with Brett Gardner, Ichiro Suzuki and Eduardo Nunez - each a 30 SB guy - and we're last. We have a glaring bullpen problem. How can this be? We have Mariano, Robertson, Joba, et al - we dropped David Aardsma at the end of spring training.

I know what this looks like: Typical Yankee fan calling the glass half-empty, when there is so much to be happy about. Vernon Wells may have two months in him, before he implodes to .230. Travis Hafner might last into June, before something pops. Andy - well - maybe he won't lie on the couch again all season, but there are still those Lazy-Boy recliners.

How could we lose that game last night? Dammit, how could we lose?

Were we fools to think Jeter could come back so soon?

Remember that collapsed deal in mid-2010, when we almost traded Jesus Montero to Seattle for Cliff Lee? It died because a promising Yankee 2B prospect  named David Adams had broken his ankle - not sprained it, as originally believed, and the Mariners pulled out. (Also, I think their fan base rebelled against the deal when it was made public; they didn't want to help the hated Yankees, so the organization got frozen-feet; I can't prove this, of course, but I believe it.)

Well, it took Adams the better part of 18 months to return to form, and he is now just 25. (He's playing 3B for Scranton, by the way, and hitting about .350 in the tiny sample.) He's no longer on the 40-man protected roster.

Two years ago, a promising Yankee kid named Ravel Santana slid into 2B in the Gulf Coast League and broke an ankle. He still isn't the same. Maybe never will be.

Oh well, prospects come and go. Every team in baseball has a Top 20 list touted by slobbery blogger who have never once watched them play.

But why did we think Jeter, pushing 39, could come back in six months?

Well, the answer is easy: He's Derek Effing Jeter. He's been magic all his career. The flip, the dive, Mr. November, Mariah Carey. He's as close as we'll ever get to Minka Kelly. He owns the entire west coast of Florida. He remains one of the two active Yankee Gods, the other being Mariano. If God says six months, dammit, we agree... six months.

But now, it looks more like ten. And if Jeter pulls that off, he'll still be outdoing athletes who were 15 years younger, while playing a position that 38-year-olds do not play. Yankee fans like to say, you don't bet against Jeter. They're right: He's great, he's wonderful, blah-blah-blah.

Listen: There's only one thing you don't bet against... Time. And it's not on our side. We're hoping this team of retreads can hold the line until the stars return - pretending that time is on our side.  Never think that. It's not.

Why I Cannot Vote

I cannot vote in today's poll until someone explains to me what the hell Neil Diamond's singing of "Sweet Caroline" has to do with Boston or the Red Socks.

I would rather a poll where we select the most appropriate libation with which to toast Boston and , thereby, show our compassion for their anguish.

Personally, I am for the manhattan.

John Sterling blows a 7.10 second WinWarble, then later jokes, "Put a straightjacket on that guy."

The being has become sentient. The computer is self-aware. The entity knows....

Last night, the super FAX line nearly exploded atop the IIHIIFIIc AstroTurf Needle overlooking Onondaga Lake. Astonished listeners from across the Yankiverse were reacting to The Master's suggestion that his WinWarbles have gone - as the Brits of 1972 would say - a bit Benny Hill.

It happened as John was reviewing the night's Warble - a 7.11 second Sterl Hurl, his longest of the young season. John was recapping the game and buying time for preparation of Suzyn's Clubhouse Report. At that point, John could not help but admire his elaborate tonguesmithery.

By the way, a 7.10 WinWarble shows that - like C.C. Sabathia, who pitched eight innings last night without his 94-mph fastball - a wily veteran can still cut well-ripened cheese.


Also, the Yankees are 7-1 since this web site mentioned the prospect of launching an International Juju Intervention.  This is not a boast. It is simply a notation of fact. For those of you who cannot deal with the hard reality of fact, I suggest you take up novels or TV watching. Seven and one, baby, seven and one.

Which is the number John hit last night on his Warble: 7.1. A coinck-a-dink? Believe whatever you wish. Seven and one, baby, seven and one.

Dan Shaughnessy Has Some Words of Discouragement For Boston

The man who coined "The Curse of the Bambino" wants you to know the terrorists won:

More end to more innocence. One of our best days is forever tainted. The 117-year-old Boston Marathon will never be the same. The journey from Hopkinton to Boylston Street is now a 26.2-mile stretch of yellow police tape. Do not cross.

* * *

And there goes another piece of our freedom, another sacred and oh-so-local institution.

* * *

We won’t be able to walk into Trinity Church or the Boston Public Library without thinking about the day the bombs went off. We won’t be able to step into the Lenox Hotel — where Red Auerbach lived when he coached the Celtics — without thinking about spectators being maimed. We will forever remember the day nobody could call anybody on a cellphone in Copley Square.

* * *

So Marathon Day 2013 goes down as the day my neighbor’s son sat in my family room wearing jeans with a hole near the left knee from a bomb that went off while he stood near the finish line. 

A dark day. A day that took away more fun, more innocence, more freedom.

Read the whole thing here.

(Well, THAT didn't last long:) Other ways the Yankees can pay tribute to Boston during games

1.  In third inning, fans pass hat to cover Curt Schilling tax debt.

2. Ted Williams Frozen Head Snow-Cones!

3. Peter Dinklage plays 2B to honor Dustin Pedroia.

4. Danny Cater/Sparky Lyle trade formally revoked.

5. Remaining years on Arod contract transferred to Redsocks, free and clear.

6. Beckett and Lackey lead seventh inning beer toast, followed by free Popeye's Fried Chicken!

7. In pre-game ceremony, Bucky Dent middle name formally changed to "F---g."

8.  To honor disgraced former Fenway clubhouse manager/sexual predator Donald Fitzpatrick, Yanks play Neil Diamond song, "Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon."

9.  Youkilis beaned four times.

10. Bobby Valentine Day.

(Sorry if this offends. Our hearts are with Boston. But if we don't do this, that rat bastard wins. And THAT aint gonna happen.) 

"I wonder if The Master will refrain from A-Bombs, Pronk's Bomber, and a Nuke from Youk in light of what happened yesterday."

The above comment, courtesy of MANX.

Tune into WCBS at 6:30 for the Pregame Show

When bad things happen to your enemy

Yesterday, I was teeing-up a post about Jackie Bradley Jr., the Redsock rookie sensation, now batting .097, when the news hit. I was going to call him "Jackie Yastremski Jr." and it would be pure pleasure, as always, jabbing the needle into those Redsock fans. 

Then, of course, everything changed - even inside our fake reality of psychotic fandom. Nothing will be funny for a while. The boogieman got us again, as he always does.  He pops up in Oklahoma City or Phoenix, Newtown or New York - he hurts us and laughs, 'You're it," and then - bang - he's gone. Sometimes we catch him and slap him into chains, but later, when you see him in court - like that Holmes character in Aurora or the basket case who shot Gabby Giffords - you realize the lights are out and the boogieman got away. He's off somewhere else. And yesterday he came to Boston.

When terrible things happen, a whole city goes through Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's five stages of grieving. It will be many years - maybe more than I have left - before Boston reaches that final state of acceptance. There will be the tears, the silences, the flowery shrines, the iconic photographs, the trials, the books, the movies, the anniversaries and the national vows to never let it happen again - when of course, that's impossible. The boogieman is always out there. Always was. Always will be.

I recall an old comic book - who knows, maybe Mustang wrote it - where everything looks bleak for Batman, and suddenly the Joker pops up to save him. He says, "You're my arch-enemy, and nobody else is going to get you." That's sort of how I think Yankee fans feel about Boston today. Those Pedroia fans, dammit, they're ours. How dare the boogieman attack them.

That was our job. Today, it's not the same. It won't be for a long long time.

To avoid future couch injuries, Andy Pettitte needs to rethink his living room

Andy Pettitte is out until Friday.  He hurt his back getting off the couch.

Listen: I don't know goulash about pitching. I've never played in the majors, and I have no answers when it comes to sparing elbows from the curse of Tommy John. But dammit, I do know couches. And if you don't know what you're doing when you climb onto one of those pillowy death traps, well, Mr. Sciatica, you might as well bungee jump from an airplane. Those things will end your career faster than you can say Donny Baseball.

You get onto a couch after drinking, and - boom - it's morning. After he's pitched seven innings, giving Andy a couch would be like handing heroin to a child.

So what was Andy doing on the couch?

We all know the answer: the devil box.

Yes, he was camped and boneless, eating chips, probably not using a secondary pillow, and watching some zombie show, with his back tightening as the shambling dead advanced. I just hope he didn't throw out his lumbago while reaching for the clicker, because I've done that, and if it's a clicker-related injury, don't expect Andy back until June.

When you look at the money the Yankees pay Andy Petttitte, you'd think he could afford positional pillows and a manservant who can change channels. Andy needs to invest in a new ergonomic living room with velcro-wrist straighteners and positional pillows. If necessary, the Yankees should consider placing him in a sensory deprivation tank between starts. We cannot win in the field if we don't first find victory in the living room.

Yanks besting hex of 1965

Even though Kuroda probably should not have finished the game this early in the season, he propelled us to a great win.

Thanks to the pole hitting Brett Gardner, and a sac fly by Jason ( the hammer ) Nix, the Yankees put 3 runs on the board and that was all we needed.

Mariano was not happy with Nix's error of a routine grounder in the ninth ( when will you be back, Mr. Nunez, we need your glove?), but Kuroda overcame that to keep MO rested.

So this team of vagabonds and cast-offs is now running even with our benchmark team of 1965, which after the first 11, had a record of 6-5.

If you want to look ahead, they then went 6-6, followed by 6-7, which was their high water mark until August 20, when they rallied to be 2 games over .500.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Whose pitching again?

Should Joe let a 38-year-old pitcher throw nine innings... in April?

This is scary. Almost exactly three years ago, CC Sabathia took a no-hitter against the Rays into the eighth, when Kelly Stoppach singled.  Joe Girardi quickly waddled from the latrine, gave CC the hook (we were leading 8-0) and later proclaimed CC would never have thrown a no-no, because Joe was going to take him out in the ninth. That day, CC threw 111 pitches.

Frankly, I wondered if Joe would have really taken out CC.  It's easy to say what you would have done, if only...

But last night, where was Joe's overriding concern for the health of Hiroki Kuroda? He let Kuroda go nine. The talking point is that Kuroda's count was low: 113 pitches. Still, Kuroda is 38 - (Sabathia in 2010 was 29) - and I don't care how grizzled a veteran he is, this will be a long, lonnnnnng season.

Listen: I don't want to go Rand Paul on this. Kuroda had a great night on ESPN. You could say Joe was paying tribute a great veteran - or that he was watching the MTV Movie Awards and forgot - and we must go with it.

But Andy Pettitte recently hurt his back while getting up from the frickin couch. (And he was pulled last week in the 7th after 97 pitches.) And Phil Hughes on Saturday told reporters he doesn't recall ever being pounded the way he was hit by Baltimore. Ivan Nova still believes his signature four-inning jaunt is a quality start, and Dellin Betances - the former Killer B - is legally changing his last name to Brackman. (Yesterday, he didn't last an inning in Scranton, and it wasn't because he was walking batters, either. They just lit him up.) 

As fun as it was to watch Kuroda mop up last night, I was cringing. Joe was playing with fire. What if a grounder up the middle caught the pitching hand? What if tweaked a gonad fielding a bunt? Yes, I know you can't fear injuries: That's how you get injured. But eight innings is a modern day shutout, and if we lost Kuroda because he was pitching the ninth...

Frankly, I hope the Yankees have servants to help their pitchers get up from couches.