Monday, December 19, 2011
10 TRUE Fun Facts About Yankee Auction Purchase Hiroyuki Nakajama
2. Hiroyuki smacked his first major league hit off right-hander Satoru Kanemura!
3. In 2004, Hiroyuki earned his pay: He played every inning of every game!
4. Shortstop Hiroyuki led the league in errors three straight years!
5. In 2008, Hiroyuki hit .331, losing the batting title to the always-tough outfielder Rick Short!
6. As a Seibu Lion, Hiroyuki wore uniform No. 3, succeeding the great SS and New York Met, Kazuo Matsui!
7. In 2008, Hiroyuki bore down and won a Gold Glove award!
8. Hiroyuki is known to hold the bat high over his head, like a Kendo fighter!
9. In the 2009 World Baseball Classic, Hiroyuki hit .364, leading the Japanese team, and driving in seven runs!
10. The Yankees won the rights to sign Hiroyuki with a bid of $2 million!
What made Kim Jong ill?
What made Kim Jong ill?
Where had Nathan lain?
What gives you faith, Hill?
Where’s the john, McCain?
.
When is Barney frank?
Whom did Albert gore?
Who made Hillary swank?
Who drew Barrymore?
.
Who paid the bill, O’Reilly?
What made Orlando bloom?
Why was Tavis smiley?
Where’s the Brit, Hume?
.
What made Russell crow?
What was Peyton manning?
Why did you rob Lowe?
Who was Dakota fanning?
.
What gave Nancy grace?
What did Ethan hawk?
Who did Chevy chase?
How’s the kid, Rock?
.
Where was Christopher walkin’?
What was Kevin bakin’?
What cracks were Macauly caukin’?
Why was Clay achin’?
.
Can’t we all just Cher?
Who gave Steve jobs?
Where’s the gym, Leher?
Where’s the loo, Dobbs?
.
Let’s stretch Howie long!
Let’s make Diana crawl!
Quick, let’s lance Armstrong!
And then we’ll rush Limbaugh!
.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Letter to the Editor: We thrive on your bile
The New York Post
December 11, 2011 Sunday
December 11, 2011 Sunday
Dear Editor:
Memo to Bobby Valentine: Nobody cares that you hate the Yankees, especially the Yankees themselves and their fans. As a matter of fact, we thrive on it. We've been hated for decades by people better than you and it hasn't exactly thwarted our success. Here's hoping you hate us even more come October.
JIM POLLIO
Brooklyn
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Let it be noted that on the day the Toronto Blue Jays outbidded all of baseball to win the rights to sign Yu Darvish, the celebrated New York Yankees resigned Gus Molina
Just sayin.'
Am I The Only One Paying Attention?
The word is out and has been out for some time.
The Yankee's have decided that they are a back-up shortstop away from repeating last year's performance.
They intend to stand pat. They have enough talent.
The team, as currently composed, reflects a great combination of superstars nearing 40
(and at least one critical player already watching that milestone recede in the rear-view mirror), a couple of slow footed underachievers, and a ragtag group of pitchers ranging from reliably great to "WTF."
So Yu can go north, Melancon can haunt us for our past idiocy and bad luck, the Big Unit II can pitch near the Ohio river, and we can argue about whether Phil Hughes and Joba are better suited for starting, garbage time, set-up, or pinch running.
Personally, I think they are both done and will amount to nothing as Yankees.
If the Yanks are right with their current strategy, we can again just miss getting out of the first round. That's like looking forward to the Giants being 8-8 again.
Outgunned... by the Toronto Yu Jays?
The franchise that dumped Roy Halladay, AJ Burnett, Aaron Hill, Orlando Hudson, Vernon Wells, Eric Hinske, Alex Delgado, Chris Carpenter - didn't they own Celine Dion as a rookie? - outspent us for Yu Darvish.
It may be Christmastime, but it sure sounds like Easter.
Because all I hear is... cheeps.
Apparently, we went to the Yu Darvish auction only in spirit
So continues a winter that represents one of the great fiscal indiginities of modern Yankee times. In fact, the words I am about to type feel like the acid-blood in those Alien movies: They might burn directly through your computer and ruin the Internet, but here goes:
This winter, we were outbidded by the Marlins, and now, perhaps the Blue Jays.
What the...? The Blue Jays? you say. Who are they? According to Wikipedia, they play in Toronto and are members of the AL East. Did you know that they once had Doc Halladay and AJ Burnett? As soon as the contracts came due, they said "So long," which is Canadian for "So long." (Hey, Toronto fans, do you love watching Jose Bautista? Better take his picture!) According to the Secret Order of Gammonites, the Blue Jays submitted either the highest bid for Darvish, or at least a number higher than ours.
OK, I know what you're thinking: Cash will sit back and let the Marlins have Jose "Take me out so I can win the batting title" Reyes and the Blue Jays have Darvish, while we land next year's Freddy Garcia and Bartolo Colon. Great. If it works.
After Darvish, here's what the free agent landscape looks like: Prince Fielder (nope), Hirodi Kuroda (probably stays out west) and the two Cuban outfield sensations, Cespades - (have no place for him) - and the 19-year-old (ready in 2015.) The pitchers we want - Gio Gonzalez and John Danks - will have to come in a trade.
Remember Jeff "The Wrong Weaver" Weaver?
Remember Javier "Go ahead, Johnny Damon, try to hit this fastball!" Vazquez?
When we trade for that 25-28 year-old pitcher who is "just about to blossom into a star," we bundle up our farm system and deal it for a guy who has thrown 200 innings each of the last two years, and whose arm might be "just about to blossom into an MRI."
One deal like that... It is how the Yankees enter a dark void.
Well, I guess it doesn't matter now. Darvish seems to be gone. We came up a zero too light. We better put that zero on the offer to Kuroda. Otherwise, kiss Jesus goodbye.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Boston Research Team: Yankees are overpaid
Maybe the esteemed research team can do an empirical analysis comparing the consumption of fried chicken by players during ballgames to the measured decibel levels of bleats from their fans.
Ten Quatloos for the Newcomer? Have the Yankees turned chinzy?
Is it true? Who knows? But I'm starting to speculate that the Steinbrothers have decided they do not want to be their dad - a decision with many good and bad ramifications.
I'm all for it, if it means we won't trade any more young Mark Melancons for those aging Ingrid Bergmans, because we always seem to have enough of them already, thank you. But it frightens me to think the Yankees - the mighty, high-spending team that values winning more that life itself - suddenly are collecting bottle deposits to fix that shower that drips. We are charging fans $500 a seat. That money needs to win games, fix drug tests and payoff local politicians - not to finance new boats for the Steinboys.
Listen: In 2009, the Yankees led the nation - briefly albeit - out of recesssion. We spent the house for CC Sabathia, Mark Teixiera and AJ Burnett. And it worked. We won the World Series. America seemed to rebound. But ever since, the Little Steins have pinched their nickels with the tenacity of scorpions squeezing the heads off red ants. Moreover, some trogdolytes in the Yankiverse now seem bent on judging players by the money they're paid - a dangerous, Kansas City-like mentality. Yesterday, I read some fool who wanted to compare AJ Burnett to Ed Whitson, as the worst free agent signing in our history. Folks, that is absolutely insane. We are starting to resemble the Christine O'Donnell wing of the Tea Party. Has Lyndon Larouche resurfaced to run Yankee blogs?
Sorry. Off topic there. But mark these words: The Redsocks will not stand pat. By spring, they will be vastly improved, and as much as we want to laugh at them now, they missed by an inch last year. They get to make deals that we cannot. Most GMs in baseball will only trade with the Yankees if it's a slam dunk. And those trade ideas blathered by the AJ-Burnett-is-Ed Whitson voices? You know... Nick Swisher and so-and-so for King Felix? They're from that other realm - Planet Speculation.
Yu Darvish would come to us with no cost, aside from money. Last time I looked, we have a shitload. Steinboys, you're charging $500 for a seat. You owe us more than Bartolo Colon and clam dip.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The Redsocks get Mark Melancon for a plate of fried chicken
Fess up. You never thought the 2010 midsummer Lance Bergman deal - with its three-pronged horror of a) Bergman sucking as a Yankee; b) Mark Melancon excelling as an Astro and c) Bergman then returning to form as a 2011 Cardinal -- could possibly worsen.
Well, it did today.
Boston traded Jed "Leadfeet" Lowrie and an inflatable car mannequin for Mark Melancon, their future closer and hopefully the lifetime symbol of the last late-summer trade the Yankees ever make for an aging bumbledorf.
But let's face reality: There was nothing Brian Cashman could have done to prevent today's trade other than go back two years in time and strangle Bergman with his bare hands. Had we made Houston an offer for Melancon, we all know what the Astros would have demanded: Jesus Montero, Dellin Betances, Manny Bannelos and an everyday starter, either Brett Gardner or Nick Swisher. Plus cash. And maybe the Cashman family puppy.
Way I see it, Eduardo Nunez and David Phelps would be far more than what Houston received, and to make that deal, I would swim Onondaga Lake, the biggest cesspool since New Orleans drained. But hey, that's why Houston has become the MLB powerhouse that it is. Can't wait to play them in the American League. Buy your tickets now.
This is a bad day. A very bad day. Now, watch Boston sign Jimmy Rollins, peddle Marco Scutero for a middling starter, find themselves a rightfielder and dammit, they're back in business. They're like a rattlesnake in the road. It might look dead. But don't turn your back.
The dream of Andrew Brackman, the Big Unit II, has ended
I don't like this, because it suggests the Yankees have become penny-pinching, Dickensonian grubs - when we're supposed to be the one team in American professional sports that would give Satan a no-trade clause, if it ensured a pennant. But here we are, sitting by our coal fire, counting our dubloons and cackling over the nickel bottle deposits we just took from the bottom of Bob Cratchit's couch.
A few weeks ago, we measured the gills of former first round pick Andrew Brackman and then pitched him back into Lake Selig. A few writers winked and said we were simply lowering his price. Yesterday, the Wee Willie Winkies proved wrong, because the 6'10" Brackman signed with Cinncinati - the club that once scored Josh Hamilton from the scrap heap, after another team soured on that former first-round dream.
Brackman was a bust. Couldn't throw strikes. I admit it. But he was our bust. He looked like a giant squid encased in ethyl alcohol, and if he ever calibrated those tentacles, he might be lights-out unhittable. Something tells me he will do just that - maybe around age 30. Won't matter. We let him go. To save money, I guess.
In my life, the Yankees always embodied the one earthly pleasure where I never had to sweat about money - where I was rich, where I never worried about a player contract, and come Christmas, there would always be a new star waiting under my tree. Now, we're pinching pennies.
I don't like this.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
New York Football Giant victories explained
This... from my friend Jack:
All Giant wins are random. They occur for no particular reason and in no particular order.
The first review of my book came out yesterday
Yesterday, Publishers Weekly weighed in.
Juju, an “anecdotal science rooted in the theory that every living being has a cosmic purpose...,” can be applied to all sports, but Seely’s expertise is baseball. The Syracuse Post-Standard journalist’s affections are for the New York Yankees; he even accepts credit for being the reason “so many people hate the Yankees.” Seely, who was ironically spawned by a father with an “all-consuming hatred” of his son’s team, weaves his life as a Yankees fan with instructions on how to apply the rules in a fast-paced, hilarious fashion—at times touching, but never dull. Included are historical tidbits that only a true fan would know or care about. This rollicking exposition unveils a rabid fan who claims to have a “Jekyll/Hyde” complex with respect to the Yankees. There is no Jekyll or Hyde—there is only Seely, a true fan. (Apr.)
Life of Jeet (Continued): “He basically gave her the same gift twice because he’d forgotten hooking up with her the first time!”
Jeet's memory aint what it used to be.
Like all of us, el Capitan these days tends to forget names and faces of the supermodels and aerobics instructors he routinely sires. Hell, we've all known the feeling. They're like ground balls during infield practice: You scoop them up, hold them a second and then fire hard to first. At least Jeet maintains the good grace of having his driver pick them up at the front door, where a special courtesy gift basket of official Jeet memorabilia - hopefully spiced with fine Hickory Farms meats and cheeses - awaits.
Today, the value of one of those unopened Jeter gift baskets has increased by 500 percent.
Open Letter to Brian Cashman: Buy, don't trade
I've waited 50 years for the New York Yankees to build a solid farm system and actually harvest it... instead of treating our young players like Pogs in a swap meet.
Today, we're on the verge of growing our own. So let's do it. Let's hold our cards and see what the hell happens.
Last week, news trickled from the Winter Meetings in Dallas that White Sox GM Kenny Williams tried to deal us pitcher John Danks in exchange for Jesus Montero, Manny Bannelos and Dellin Betances.
All I want in life is 10 feet of open space between myself and the next GM who insults us with such an offer.
Had I been there, as Williams flapped the flipper on his pig fat mouf, the nearest wall would have grown a tunnel. I call my left fist "Jeet" and my right fist "Mo." And nobody talks trashy deals without receiving a noodlegram from my forehead, "Claudell."
Hell, let Chicago trade Danks to Boston for a pocket comb and the lice that still clings to it. Next year, he's a free agent. Next year, if we want him, we'll buy him.
Then there's Oakland's Gio Gonzalez, who is Dellin Betances in two years. Why trade the 2013 Gio Gonzalez for the 2011 Dellin Betances? If GM Billy "Moneyballs" Beane wants to hang a Yankee scalp next to his Oscar, the hell with him. He can do Brad Pitt's laundry for a year, but he still won't catch a glimpse of Angelina Jolie - and he won't get Jesus Montero.
No trading youth, OK? No trades with nobody. Let's play the kids and see what happens. I've waited 50 years for a farm system. We have one. Let's use it. Let's grow our own.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sign the Petition and Change the World: The great Sep. 28, 2011, loss to Tampa Bay must become a Yankees Classic
For once in our miserable lives, let's stand up and fight for something we believe in: Self-pleasurement, through the mastery of YES Yankees Classics!
SIGN THE PETITION. ALERT YOUR FRIENDS. TELL THE MEDIA. OCCUPY YES NETWORK TIME AND SPACE.
The walk-off 8-7 loss to Tampa Bay in 12 innings - eliminating the Boston Redsocks from the playoffs - provided the greatest single moment of the entire 2011 New York Yankee season. This golden event needs to be relived again and again and again.
Due to the YES Network's understandable policy of rebroadcasting only Yankee victories in its Yankee Classics series, true Pinstriped fans are being denied the opportunity to enjoy and honor this magnificent defeat in the privacy of their own homes.
We, the Yankee Classics Appreciation Consortium - a non-profit, all volunteer organization that seeks only world peace and maximum self-pleasurement through the use of Yankee Classics - hereby ask that the owners of YES present the game of Sept. 28, 2011, on Yankee Classics, even though the Yankees suffered a defeat at the hands of the Rays.
Furthermore, we ask that a second audio option be presented, allowing the true Yankee fan base to hear the golden voices of John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman call the action, mitigating the otherwise overwelming despair of re-experiencing a Yankee loss. Only through the prism of their truth, wisdom and streaming advertisements for New York Life - keeping your family safe and secured - can the implications of the defeat be not only understood... but savored.
AIR THE GAME ON YANKEE CLASSICS, YES MASTERS OF REPLAY REALITY!
WE, THE UNDERSIGNED, ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE IT!
AND WE CRAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO RELIVE THE ECSTACY OF THAT GRAND YANKEE DEFEAT.
Sign here. And here. And... here.!
Nick Swisher, who fanned on October, named November Yankee Employee of the Month
Not the month for which you want to be honored, necessarily. But congratulations, anyway. And no reason to fear the IT IS HIGH curse. This time, it already came.
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