Help, Yankiverse, help! What's John's homer call for Brennan Boesch?

It's off Boesch, by gosh!

A summer squash... from Boesch!

Brennan, you're no lemon!

All along the Boeschtower, said the joker to the bee, there's too confusion, I can't get no relief!

Well...?

The Gammonites smell 1965, but – and you read it here first – 1965 CANNOT happen again

(NOTE made later: OK, I blew some numbers in this; should blog drunk, but I was preparing to see the Yankees in Bradenton. Comments section takes me to task, but I stand by the point anyway: The new system will mask the collapse that's already underway.)

Today, between updates on the Elisabeth Hasselbeck situation on "The View," both the Gray Lady and Murdoch Mush opine that the Retrieval Empire ™ is about to slide back in time, to the dark era known as 1965, when the great war wagon of Mickey, Roger and Elston lost its wheels and went into repose... Roger Repoz, that is. And clearly, when you study the '13 Yankee roster, you see players mulling the Early Bird at Denny’s, or broken in bone, if not spirit. When Brennan Boesch is the hope, you’re the Walking Dead, whether you know it or not.

But to everybody who thinks the Yanks will goosh like a water balloon and miss the next 11 years - nope, can’t happen. It’s not that we won’t be mismanaged –  or mis-owned - by heirs who count pennies while nickels flee the exits. It’s the Selig Parity Safety Net, the new reality of NFL Baseball.  

In 1965, the Yankees collapsed under Johnny Keane and finished second in the AL. Today, that would have generated a playoff birth. Who knows? They might have won. Nobody would even remember a failure.  

In 1966 and 1967, they finished fifth out of 10. Again, in the modern AL, fifth-place gets a one-game wild card. Collapse? What collapse? And in 1968, they came in third. Good grief, they’ve done worse than that in recent years, while the streak of post-season appearances has been maintained.

In 1969, they fell below .500. Realistically, that’s the only year they were absolutely destined to finish in Urinetown. That was our 2008. In 1970, they won 93 games. They didn’t make the playoffs, only because baseball hadn’t yet become the NBA.

So let’s ponder a few thumbtacks of unconventional wisdom:  The Yankees collapse is already underway. We haven’t been the dominant team in baseball for years. The Red Sox were for awhile  in the 2000s, and now it’s the Giants. It soon will be the Dodgers and Angels (or maybe not; I’m not buying into their ascension, just yet.) Our collapse has been masked by the expanded playoff structure. And though this year certainly looms like doomsday, we’ll still be in the chase through August, because everybody is. Nobody get eliminated in June and July. (Well, maybe San Diego, but that's it.) That is parity, folks. Everybody spends the same, everybody wins the same, and nobody gets eliminated. There is no New York Yankees... just 26 Kansas City Royals.

It’s not 1965, folks. Oh, no. It’s something much-much worse.

Hey, I’m going to see the Pirates play the Yankees today in spring training!

I’ll deliver a full account tonite or tomorrow.

 

I’m just hoping Casey doesn’t bring in Ralph Terry to pitch the ninth.

Eat your heart out, Alphonso.

Giambi for Yankee manager

Great piece on the Giambino, sober now for three years... and perhaps the next Joe?


“I tell people, I’ve lived lifetimes already.”

Would Lebron tell Robbie, "Don't betray your original team?"

Super Yankee fan Lebron James met with Robbie Cano recently.

Was Robbie asking for pointers on how to break a city's heart?

Pick of the litter: The Retrieval Empire (TM) signs Brennan Boesch sweepstakes

This is a tale of our castaways...

OK, by now you know the Bone Collector has signed 6'4",  235-pound OF Brennan Boesch, replacing 10 of the Grandyman's lost home runs and more than half his annual strikeouts. That means we could have a LF platoon of Boesch and Ben Francisco, who - by the way - are statistical astral twins, according to the number crunchers at Baseball Reference.

Well, beggars can't be choosers. On the plus side, we get a guy who isn't 35, looks good coming off the bus and something to prove. John Sterling man-loves him, by the way. Boesch has always killed the Yankees, so at least he's off the streets. He hits with runners on base - that's weird, eh? And it's another sign the brain trust recognizes the darkness looming in April and May, and maybe the season.

On the minus side, well, it's just another scrap heap acquisition, another nickel and dime expenditure, as we seek to pretend that we didn't sign any stud outfielders over the winter.  We never even returned calls to Josh Hamilton or Torii Hunter, or a slew of other hitters who were not that expensive; they just wanted two or three year deals, and the Yankees don't give two and three year deals anymore.

In the dead zone of the 1980s, whenever Old George tried to save money, it always seemed to backfire; he ended spending more to replace the players he cut, and the new guys - the Shirleys and Kemps - often sucked. As we troll spring training camps, gathering castoffs like a whale sucking up plankton, the meter keeps rising. In the end, will we spend less money... or more? And how good will we be?

The guiding symbol for the Yankees is no longer the interlocking NY. The players should wear "189" on their caps. That's the $189 million salary cap, which right now looms as rigidly as anything the NFL or NBA has implemented. What's amazing is how smoothly it came down - without cannon fire from the player's union. The commissioner de-clawed the big-spending Yankees, and now, our big acquisition is a .240 castoff who couldn't beat out Andy Dirks.

Well, who knows? Maybe he'll hit .270.  Maybe we'll look back on 2013 as the start of the Boesch/Francisco era in LF. I can hear Tony Bennett singing now... "I left my heart with Boesch Francisco..."

After all these years,Bobby Abreu has finally hit the wall

The Yankees scouted him in winter ball and decided no.

He's 39.

Remember our poem about him?

The impending trade of Joba says less about Chamberlain than the sorry state of what the Yankees have to offer

Supposedly, Ryan's Rangers and the Yankees have launched an elaborate mating dance that could lead to the trade of Joba Chamberlain - the most beloved and debated Yankee in the George A.D. era. We can't say if this is good, because in any trade, it all depends on what you get.

Both the Axisans and the Gammonites tend to look at Brian Cashman's trade record through the prism of what's happened lately. So be it. Lately, I see a Buffalo Bills first-round draft pick streak of deals, including the AJ Burnett giveaway and the Iraq War of Yankee trades - Jesus Montero for Venus de Milo - which I think will haunt me for the rest of my life. (Yeah, I'm old.)  But Cash also traded a handful of magic beans for Ichiro, so - hey - you never know.

We can also try to assess Joba, the player, rather than Joba the Yankee hope and man-child. It's not easy, because in his first incarnation, Joba he seemed the re-embodiment of Babe Ruth, or at least David Wells. His dad sat in the wheelchair, his mom sat in jail, and I remember him shutting down Boston in Fenway for eight innings and thinking, for sure, this was the next great Yankee pitcher. Didn't we all? Then - well - either we screwed him, or he screwed himself. Take your pick. It's led to this: The Yankees don't seem to like him - which is sad, because Yankee fans do. He remains perhaps the most human player on this team. Right or wrong, he's the Yankee we'd expect to pull over and help change the tire. If he's soon pitching for the Rangers - (damn, does it have to be the Rangers?) - God, that's going to hurt.

But, hey, baseball isn't lineups. It's spreadsheets. And the real story, for my money, is that the Yankee brass is slowly revealing to the world how screwed the 2013 team looks to be. They have nobody to play 1B or 3B, depending on Youkilis, who is always one tweak from the DL. We could have a scrap heap lineup through May  30, and by then, it may not matter if ARod is returning. So why would we trade Joba? Well, folks...  he may be the only thing anybody wants.

We could package our big four position prospects - Heathcott, Williams, Sanchez and Austin. And be afraid, folks, be very afraid, because we might yet do it. Trouble is, they won't get much, because none of them will be ready this year - and maybe next year, either. After that, who can we trade? Gardner? He's our leftfielder. Romine? No way. Adam Warren fell off the bean truck. David Robertson is critical. Nunez has self-destructed. Yeesh.... we have one trading chip right now, one, and his name is Joba. Isn't that sad? Isn't that awful?

Last week, in an interview with Mark Feinsand, Hal "Austerity" Steinbrenner  defended the Jesus Montero trade, saying Michael Pineta will be a great pitcher, and  he'd do it again.  This came just as reports surfaced about "The World According to Dick Cheney," a documentary where the Beastmaster defends the invasion of Iraq, the search for WMD and waterboarding in almost exactly the same terms. OK, sit back down: I'm not equating a bad baseball deal to a historical botch that costs 200,000 lives - though as Bukowski said, money is piss and the sparrow is immortal... still, it's amazing to see what people can deny when it's in their interests to do so. Joba... pitching for the Rangers? God, it's gonna hurt.

Youkattabeshitnme: It's time to take nominations for John Sterling's HR call for Youkilis

An advisory poll will be forthcoming, 

in the hope of helping The Master.

The nominations, thus far.

That one is Kevin-sent!

It had to be Youk!

It's a nuke... from Youk!

A Greek kiss from Youkilis!

Youkilis, take a look at this!

A bazooka from Youka!

Youktacular!

Youk, you're no mook!

Youk can't keep a good man down!

Youkilis that one goodbye.

Well?

What TV reality show defines the Yankees this spring?

a) American Pickers
b) Antiques Road Show

c) Storage Wars

d) Pawn Stars

e) Chopped

f)  Auction Hunters

g) Hoarders

h) Extreme Makeover

i) Doomsday Preppers

j) Kourtney and Kim Take New York

l) Cupcake Wars

m) I didn't know I was Pregnant

High-rolling Yankees - a/k/a "the Retrieval Empire" - expected to bid BIG in Brennan Boesch sweepstakes

Yesterday, crowds cheered when smoke appeared over the Seattle Space Needle - (it's legal there) - signaling that free-swinging Tigers outfielder Brennan Boesch had entered the MLB free agent market. Immediately, the Yankiverse began rubbing its hands together with anticipation, and - yes - in case you are wondering, I am attempting to speak bitter, unvarnished mega-truth through the endangered, 1990s art form known as sarcasm.

From insider indications today, the big-spending Yankees plan to go the distance in this Boesch bidding war, not to be phased by the fresh-squeezed price tag of the slugging ex-Detroiter, who hit .315 last year. No, wait, my mistake: That was his on-base percentage, slightly lower than Ichiroville. Boesch actually batted .240, which puts him about eight points above Grandytown. And his strikeouts could make us forget that Grandy is even gone. (Oops, sorry, I'm losing my sarcasm.)

Yes, the team is considering spending $1.9 million to bring Boesch to Gotham, possibly paring him with scrap heap gold Ben Francisco, making left field the Yankee Pasture of Millionaires.

It's a good thing we held back on all those high-priced free agents last winter - the Toriis and the Joshes - cutting costs, knowing that stars like Boesch could be had for a pittance.  "Dimes on the dollar!" Our new Yankee slogan! Who's next? Every day brings a new future Yankee star. (Whew, I got back my sarcasm mojo.)

Argentina wins World Pope Classic

Mike Francesa Announces Da New Pope

Black smoke from Girardian Chapel signals that Yankees still haven't found a leftfielder

TAMPA _ Day 20 of the pinstripe papal conclave dawned under stormy skies Wednesday as Yankee leaders gathered inside the famous Steinbrenner Boatworks/Inheritance Tax Money Laundering complex to select the team's leftfielder in a fresh round of tryouts.

The lack of consensus on Tuesday was revealed by a plume of black smoke billowed from the head of the team's general manager. The  smoke was believed to represent the charred remains of Scott Proctor's glove and jersey, which had been archived by Yankee bullpen catchers from Opus Torre, a secret knighthood of the Evil Empire. 

 On Tuesday, the Yankees welcomed a new scrap heap player as candidate for the left field vacancy. Ben Francisco arrived at the crematorium, and was immediately hailed as a leading alternative, based on the fact that he might hit .240, hasn't been charged with steroid abuse and - most importantly - will not cost a lot of money.

The black smoke is likely to continue for at least two more weeks, as the Yankees await the powers in baseball - the Cardinals, Giants, Dodgers, in fact every team except the Padres - to make their final cuts. The Yankees hope to then swoop in and sign the magical leftfielder who might hit as much as .250 and - most importantly - cost next to nothing.

When that special moment occurs, white smoke will billow over Tampa. It will come from the burning of Alex Rodriguez's contract, in effigy. Across the world, Yankee fans await that golden moment.

Required Reading: Mt. Vecsey explodes

Where are the Yankees I used to hate?

Have we been overlooking Thomas Neal?

In mid-January, while the Yankees were feigning sleep on on nearly every MLB free agent in captivity, they signed Thomas Neal off the slag pile. He had been dropped by Cleveland, which seemed to say everything we needed to know.

But lately, considering the absence of hope in our AAA outfield - most recently defined by the signing of Ben Francisco - Neal is looking like a guy who might start in left field on opening day. In a battle of no-names, his is by far the most boring. No "Melky," no "Zolio," no "Adonis," no nothing. (His twitter feed is TDaddy, so there must be something there.) Here's his minor league career.

Last year, Neal was traded by San Francisco - the best-run organization in baseball - to Cleveland (fill in your own description) for the ageless Orlando Cabrera. He came up for nine games and hit .217.  Projected over an entire season, that would amount to an average of .217.

So here's the deal. The guy can play all three OF positions. He's 25 - younger than Melky Mesa (26) and not much older than Zolio Almonte (23). (Zolio, it should be noted, hit 21 HRs last year at AA. He also stole more bases than Neal.)

This spring, Zolio is hitting .211. That includes a HR on the first game. He has struck out four times.

Melky is hitting .222. He has 2 HR and 7 strikeouts. He is known to strike out wayyyy to often.

Neal is hitting .333. He has a HR. He has struck out three times. He's behind Juan Rivera and Ronnier Mustellier in average - but neither plays well on defense. Who knows? Thomas Neal could be the Russ Canzler of this 2013 Yankee team!

Brian Cashman's Top 10 Yankees options for first base

1. Derrick Lee
2. Chipper Jones
3. Tino Martinez
4. Jorge Posada
5. Kevin Maas
6. Chris Chambliss
7. Don Mattingly (if we can trade a few prospects to the Dodgers to get him, of course)
8. John Olerud
9. Richie Sexson
10. Cecil Fielder

Chipper Jones? Derrick Lee? The pain killers must be putting Brian Cashman into a new astral plane

Yesterday, the often-rancorous Yankiverse came together in one rare, unified consensus:

Whatever pain-killers Brian Crashman is taking - Dude, I gotta get me some.

What happened was this: The Yankees acknowledged the looming disaster that is otherwise known as Opening Day 2013 in a manner that a general manager who is undergoing middle-age life crisis while taking prescription hallucinogenics. Cashman asked Yankee beat reporters to contact Chipper Jones, 41, to see if the guy would like to come out of retirement and board the Flying Dutchman, known as the 2013 Yankees.

Well, talk is cheap, and these days, so are the Yankees. The Chipper moment cost us nothing, sold a few newspapers - (Cashman actually told reporters he should get points for being creative; I swear I'm not making that up) - and obscured for a few hours the depressing thought of the first season's first 10 weeks, a period when the Yankees play the entire AL East - and from which they might not recover.

What does it say when the most exciting players in spring training are Ronnier Mustellier and David Phelps, neither of whom may even get a shot in this looming 10 weeks crucible?

Mustellier - the Cuban mystery man (simply stated: If he's that good, how did we sign him for $50,000?) - could hit .400 this spring and still be ticketed for Scranton, because 1) he has no position, and 2) he still has options. Number 2 is the working policy here. The frugal Yankees always keep players without options and option players who have them. Thus, they'll hold onto Ben Francisco - he of the .230 ceiling - and send Mustellier back to No Man's Land, because it's their option. 

Phelps - the career overachiever (simply stated: They never gave him the time of day until all the other prospects were gone.) - has been one of the best pitchers in camp - along with Jose Ramirez, whom the Yankees farmed out yesterday. Trouble is, he's the fifth starter, as in "won't pitch during the first three weeks of the season." A rain out or two, and he might not start a game until May 20. By then, who knows if he'll be sharp, or if it will matter?

But hey, give them credit for creativity. Chipper Jones? Nobody saw that coming. Get me some of that stuff Cashman is taking. We're going to need it.

Open letter to Mr. Brian Cashman: Don't pull the ripcord just yet

Dear Madam or Sir,

Jeepers Jeters! It's gotten late, and it's not even early. We've already lost three hitters (Arod, Grandy, Tex) a starter (Hughes), and two bullpen lugnuts (Logan, Rappata). And the china dolls (Gardner, Youk, Joba, Hafner) are awaiting Tweak One. We're talking about pulling Derrick Lee out of retirement. We're penciling Ronnier Mustellier at 3B. (Which he couldn't do for Scranton.) Lately, we've heard a drunk-dial chorus calling for the Yankees to trade prospects for a new geezer.


The line goes this way: Two years ago, we could have gotten a vintage 1983 Roy Smalley sedan for Andrew Brackman. Now, he wouldn't bring us a pepperoni pizza. Thus, we should trade Mason Williams and Slade Heathcott now, before they fracture their skulls on a wall, and they won't be zeros in the ledger. Chase Chase Headley in San Diego. He can play 3B. All we need do is empty the Trenton roster.

You began your career watching George Steinbrenner push Yankee teams into the shredder. Between 1983 and 1992, we peddled our future for slob after slob. We spent outlandish sums on the Kemps and Tartabulls, the Shirleys and Whitsons, and we watched the McGriffs, McGees, Drabeks and Leiters play for the opposition - just as last fall we watched Austin Jackson kick our Evil Empire butts.

Soon, you will feel enormous pressure to cure the looming Yankee disaster. The Steinbrothers have sold half of the YES Network to Rupert Murdoch. He and team of creditors will not appreciate crappy TV ratings in June. Then there is that frightening algae bloom of empty seats last October, a doomsday scenario. Was it an anomaly? Or a glimpse of what is to come? People stopped coming last fall. If the Yankees stink, will they still pay such high prices?

Either way, sir, if we start trading our youth, we will hit another 10 or 15 year swoon. Bank on it. Baseball requires a chemistry of youth and maturity. Our problem last year was not experience. It was the lack of an impact player from our farm.

Please, please, please... do not trade the kids. Remember: No team ever helps the Yankees in a deal. They always demand more. So hang up the phone. It will hurt when Melky Mesa is hitting .230 and fanning twice a game. But nobody will give us anything for him in a trade. (He's not young.) And if we peddle the few prospects we have, how much more will we get from the veteran who replaces Melky? Will he hit .250? Hold the line. It will be a long season, the toughest in your career. Hold the line. Trade no prospects. Hold the line. This is your legacy. Hold the line.

To sell tickets, how far can the Evil Empire ride nostalgia?

In recent springs, the Yankees have played various cards to sell tickets.

2008: Farewell to Yankee Stadium.

2009: See the new Yankee Stadium.

2010; Greet the returning World Champions.

2011: See the golden years of Mariano Rivera, Jorge Posada and Andy Pettitte.

2012: See the last year of Mariano and the return of Andy Pettitte.

This year: See the end of Mariano, probably Pettitte, possibly Arod and Jeter.

We have become a 90s nostalgia show. Call us Better than Ezra, but Less than Jake. And over the last three years, we have not produced a hit - a star from our system.

(OK, Skip this paragraph if you're sick of reading it: We've had spare parts: Eduardo Nunez. David Phelps. Ivan Nova. Brett Gardner. Francisco Cervelli. David Robertson. But nothing resembling a future all-star. Worse, we traded Austin Jackson, Ian Kennedy and Tyler Clippard - the three most successful players from our system. And we can watch what Jesus Montero does in Seattle this year with a sick feeling in our guts.)

So we enter 2013 with yet another farewell campaign: See Mariano before he leaves. Of course, for fans to see him, the Yankees need to be ahead in the 9th. That could be a problem.

Right now, in left field we have Juan Rivera - who statistically was worse than a replacement player last year in Los Angeles - and Dan Johnson, a definition of mediocrity at first base - taking up space until the return of  Grandy and Teixeira - two .240 hitters, thanks to their inability to adjust to defensive overshifts. We have Youk at third, who has missed more than 40 games in each of the last three seasons. We have Ichiro in right, who the Mariners had seen enough of last year. Travis Hafner? Ahh, yes, wasn't he something in 2005?

To see Mariano pitch, expect to buy several tickets.