Jeepers Jeters! It's gotten late, and it's not even early. We've already lost three hitters (Arod, Grandy, Tex) a starter (Hughes), and two bullpen lugnuts (Logan, Rappata). And the china dolls (Gardner, Youk, Joba, Hafner) are awaiting Tweak One. We're talking about pulling Derrick Lee out of retirement. We're penciling Ronnier Mustellier at 3B. (Which he couldn't do for Scranton.) Lately, we've heard a drunk-dial chorus calling for the Yankees to trade prospects for a new geezer.
The line goes this way: Two years ago, we could have gotten a vintage 1983 Roy Smalley sedan for Andrew Brackman. Now, he wouldn't bring us a pepperoni pizza. Thus, we should trade Mason Williams and Slade Heathcott now, before they fracture their skulls on a wall, and they won't be zeros in the ledger. Chase Chase Headley in San Diego. He can play 3B. All we need do is empty the Trenton roster.
You began your career watching George Steinbrenner push Yankee teams into the shredder. Between 1983 and 1992, we peddled our future for slob after slob. We spent outlandish sums on the Kemps and Tartabulls, the Shirleys and Whitsons, and we watched the McGriffs, McGees, Drabeks and Leiters play for the opposition - just as last fall we watched Austin Jackson kick our Evil Empire butts.
Soon, you will feel enormous pressure to cure the looming Yankee disaster. The Steinbrothers have sold half of the YES Network to Rupert Murdoch. He and team of creditors will not appreciate crappy TV ratings in June. Then there is that frightening algae bloom of empty seats last October, a doomsday scenario. Was it an anomaly? Or a glimpse of what is to come? People stopped coming last fall. If the Yankees stink, will they still pay such high prices?
Either way, sir, if we start trading our youth, we will hit another 10 or 15 year swoon. Bank on it. Baseball requires a chemistry of youth and maturity. Our problem last year was not experience. It was the lack of an impact player from our farm.
Please, please, please... do not trade the kids. Remember: No team ever helps the Yankees in a deal. They always demand more. So hang up the phone. It will hurt when Melky Mesa is hitting .230 and fanning twice a game. But nobody will give us anything for him in a trade. (He's not young.) And if we peddle the few prospects we have, how much more will we get from the veteran who replaces Melky? Will he hit .250? Hold the line. It will be a long season, the toughest in your career. Hold the line. Trade no prospects. Hold the line. This is your legacy. Hold the line.