Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Yanks prove Mitt Romney was right: Corps are peeps, and they’ve now gotten an order of protection against ex-lover StubHub

The Yankees yesterday took out a restraining order to prevent StubHub from putting an office near Yankee Stadium, forcing fans who use the secondary market (aka scalping ) site to walk further to get their ticketed printed out. This is the latest tactic in the Yankees war on their fan base, the goal being to eliminate all backers by 2014, allowing the team to reach its goal of Zero payroll.

The order was signed by a judge after studying photographs of the Yankees facial bruises, which the team claims happened last fall, after StubHub pushed Yankees into a doorknob.
In one gripping moment, Yankees broke into tears while describing how StubHub and been seen with other teams, including the Giants and Jets.  The lawyer asked Yankees to explain the black eye, with pictures from last fall’s confrontration.

“Yankees, I want you to tell the court what you saw last October,” the lawyer continued.

 “Well, we were arguing, StubHub and me. We were getting ready for the big series against Detroit. It was a home series. I was so excited. We had talked about it for months. We bought special lime for the field. I was going to be a special time.”
“Yes, and then what happened?”

“Well, I looked out at the stands, and nobody was there. Nobody came. I couldn’t believe it. StubHub had done something. I don’t know what. I confronted him. I said, ‘StubHub, what’s going on? Why have you done this?’ He wouldn’t say a thing. He just… he just… I’d heard others tell me about him.”


“Objection sustained. Look, Yankees, just keep telling what happened.”
“WE LOST. WE LOST IN THREE, FOUR, I DON’T KNOW, I CAN’T REMEMBER HOW MANY GAMES IT WAS. It was terrible. We just lost and lost and lost. And then… StubHub, he didn’t care. He was selling Knick tickets. He was with Yahoo and Google and Yum, and they was laughing. HE WAS LAUGHING AT ME. HE WAS SAYING HOW HE AND GOOGLE WERE AN ITEM, HOW THEY WERE GOING TO SELL MY TICKETS FOR NOTHING, THEY WERE GOING TO GIVE THEM AWAY. And then… I ran at him and… this.”

“Your honor, may the record stipulate that everyone in this courtroom just collectively sighed at the pain and suffering of my client, who pointed to the bruises on the Yankees face.”

“So be it.”

“Your honor. It’s clear to everyone in this court that the witness has sustained major injuries, as a result of StubHub’s impertinent acts. I ask that you grant this order of protection now, forcing all fans of StubHub to stay away from Yankees games, so that Yankees can feel safe on the playing field.”

“StubHub, do you have anything to say about this?”

“Only that I still love her, your Honor. I’ll always love her. I guess it doesn’t matter.  She’s chosen TicketMaster. But that doesn’t change how I feel.”

1 comment:

Charlie "Wild Thing" Sheen said...

How about a 2013 season remake of the motion picture "Major League", where the owner sabotages the team by recruiting misfits and has-beens so that the team will swoon in the standings, lose its fan base and then be ripe for a move to another city? Lot of casting possibilities for a 2013 Yankees version of the film.