Spring Training Confidential: What the media doesn’t want you to know about yesterday’s Yankee game in Bradenton

No lie: I was there. And forget the MSM. The MSM is for babies. They’d have you think the Yanks are dead, just because they are old. Hell, a lot of people are old. Like your mom and dad. Are you picking them to keel over, too? What kind of a person are you?

Unvarnished truths from yesterday:

1.     Travel teams don’t include the tribal elders. Thus, no Jeet, no Andy, no Mo. That left Youkilis as master of ceremonies and delight to all. I swear I’m not making this up. The crowd cheered him in warmups. He clowned with the mascot. He is a playful, efforvescent wood nymph, a mirthmaker full of Yankee tomfoolery. Every little thing he does was magic. He’s not the Boston Youk. He’s the New Youk, the one who loves, not hates. He loves us all. How could the MSM have gotten it so wrong? He’s Regis Philyouk. I feel bad about crushing him between finger and thumb.

2.     When Ivan Nova pitches, the Yankees’ OF should be Paul Blair, Ross Moschito and Mr. Fantastic. All spring, I read how Ivan is throwing with command, how last year was a fluke, etc. Listen: The Pirates thought they were at a driving range. Second time around in the order, they had the guy measured like a wedding suit. If Melky Mesa hadn’t made a disputed catch in CF – more on that later – I gotta think old Ivy wouldn’t have made it to the fourth. Can’t conclude much from one game. But the new Nova? Yeah. Right.

3. The Melkman II! He hit a home run with one hand. It went out like a cannon shot. He stole second base, ran so fast he could have checked Voicemail on the way. He got a break from the umps. He caught a ball, then dropped it. Looked to me a muff. They gave it to him. Then - what a gun. He fired from deep right center to first base, trying to double off the runner. The kind of throw Ruben Rivera made when he blew out his arm. I’m thinking the Melkman can deliver for a month, maybe two, before the league figures him out, and he becomes Odibbe McDowell. In life, he'll hit .230 and strike out twice a day. For a month, he might be our savior. A month. He is now my choice.

4.     Edwardo Nunez will drive us all nuts. He singled, stole second; he dropped a perfect bunt, came around and scored. The guy is fast. But he threw two balls in the dirt from SS. If he is in the field, we need a gold glove at first, and it looks like ours might miss 2013.  

5.     Thomas Neal is a big Jabronski, and fast. Not a standout day. But he’s big and fast. That’s all.

6.     None of the scrubeenies made any impression. But in the final inning, Joe brought in one of the magic beans we got in the AJ Burnett heist. Cajoines is his name, something like that. He pinch ran for Melky, after the Melk was beaned on his butt, a spank so loud we could hear the meat slap in deep left field. So there was Cajoines, whatever, reminding us of the last thing we did with Pittsburgh since... WAIT A MINUTE, THERE WAS ONE OTHER THING...

7.     No sign of the Mazeroski punk. I was looking for him. Somebody said he’s dead. If so, he’s lucky. I brought a necktie. Next year.

8.     The mascots get away with everything.