Thursday, March 28, 2013
Posted by el duque at 7:44 AM
Today, the baseball world was stunned to hear that Tim McCarver, at only 71, plans to hang up his vocal chords at year's end. Clearly, the man has another 20 years of anti-Yankee bile-spewing left inside his spiteful, tortured spleen.
We've written much about McCarver's lustful, death-to-all-Yankees diatribes, which rise up from the man's soul on an inning-by-inning basis, prompting him to rant like Randall McMurphy in group therapy, going Harry Truman on the Yankees, screaming like a Mafia widow who has thrown herself onto a coffin being lowered into the earth. McCarver's hatred for the Yankees burns hotter than a billion suns, if they were filled with jalapeno peppers and tiger balm. At age 71, with sex and hearing long gone from his life, McCarver clearly has lived the last 20 years with only one overriding goal: To utterly destroy and inflict psychological pain on the New York Yankees and their innocent and well-meaning fans. His impending retirement should bring about a day of mass celebrations across the Yankiverse. We should hold a parade down the Canyon of Heroes, honoring all living astronauts, Beatles and ex-Presidents. But we won't. Because we don't carry grudges. Forgive and forget: That's our motto.
THAT SAID... if Fox Sports intends to have maintain shred of respect within the baseball world, the announcer chosen to replace McCarver must be of the highest caliber known to broadcasting. He must be driven by Jeep, he must be safe and secure, and he must have visited the Hebrew Home at Riverside, which is like a college campus. He must be able to verbally explore the vagaries of life, baseball and celebrity memoirs, and he must be able to predict the unpredictability of each. In short, this superhuman expert of elocution must be capable of extending a WinWarble into the 7.00-second range, if necessary, and be able to explain how a baseball game is different from other sports, because no matter what happens today, tomorrow will have new pitchers. Has McCarver ever ONCE mentioned that?
One man should be considered to replace Tim McCarver in the booth of Fox Sports.
We all know who that man is.