Thursday, March 28, 2013

Yankeetorial: Tim McCarver is retiring, and only one man should be considered for his replacement


Today, the baseball world was stunned to hear that Tim McCarver, at only 71, plans to hang up his vocal chords at year's end. Clearly, the man has another 20 years of anti-Yankee bile-spewing left inside his spiteful, tortured spleen.

We've written much about McCarver's lustful, death-to-all-Yankees diatribes, which rise up from the man's soul on an inning-by-inning basis, prompting him to rant like Randall McMurphy in group therapy, going Harry Truman on the Yankees, screaming like a Mafia widow who has thrown herself onto a coffin being lowered into the earth. McCarver's hatred for the Yankees burns hotter than a billion suns, if they were filled with jalapeno peppers and tiger balm. At age 71, with sex and hearing long gone from his life, McCarver clearly has lived the last 20 years with only one overriding goal:  To utterly destroy and inflict psychological pain on the New York Yankees and their innocent and well-meaning fans. His impending retirement should bring about a day of mass celebrations across the Yankiverse. We should hold a parade down the Canyon of Heroes, honoring all living astronauts, Beatles and ex-Presidents. But we won't. Because we don't carry grudges. Forgive and forget: That's our motto.

THAT SAID...  if Fox Sports intends to have maintain shred of respect within the baseball world, the announcer chosen to replace McCarver must be of the highest caliber known to broadcasting. He must be driven by Jeep, he must be safe and secure, and he must have visited the Hebrew Home at Riverside, which is like a college campus. He must be able to verbally explore the vagaries of life, baseball and celebrity memoirs, and he must be able to predict the unpredictability of each. In short, this superhuman expert of elocution must be capable of extending a WinWarble into the 7.00-second range, if necessary, and be able to explain how a baseball game is different from other sports, because no matter what happens today, tomorrow will have new pitchers. Has McCarver ever ONCE mentioned that?

One man should be considered to replace Tim McCarver in the booth of Fox Sports.

We all know who that man is. 

9 comments:

John M said...

The Great One at Fox? An intriguing idea, with only one flaw in the scenario:

Joe 'Don't I Sound Cool as Fuck' Buck.

It is time Fox cleaned house (not the show about the wiseass doctor, that's already been scrubbed from the schedule). Furthermore, it is time that the gender bias that continues unabated in the Fox broadcast booth comes, finally, to an end.

Boot Buck. Replace him with the one woman who can hold her own (in a nice way, I mean) with the greats. Keep the Yankee radio network broadcast team intact.

I'm looking at you, Suzy Q.

el duque said...

I thought about the Wald Man but didn't want to say it.

This kind of stuff needs to bubble up from the grassroots.

Drew said...

Yeah...That's all we need, ANOTHER boot-licker for the Yankee empire. There are more than enough of those on ESPN and the like. If left to Ken Rosenthal every year would feature the RED SOX and YANKEES in the World Series. Yes I know that couldn't happen, but it is Rosenthal's wet dream!! Case in point, Go watch anything from the 2011 WS when Cardinals won. He looked like somebody shot his dog. I'm not even a Cardinals fan but his bias was no less than McCarver's venom towards the Yanks. His name excapes me, John Miller I think from ESPN Sunday night games would be the the logical choice. He doesn't come with an axe to grind

Mustang said...

"Boot-licker for the Yankee empire." That's going on my business card, Drew!

NEW YORK YANKEES MAJOR LEAGIE BASEBALL ORGANIZATION, LLC said...

We have trademarked "Bootlicker of the Yankee Empire" and possess a full and comprehensive copyright on the name,concept, and the activity itself.

Drew said...

...and just in case you are wondering, NO I am NOT a Red Sux fan!!! Just wanted to be clear. Yankees are actually my favorite AL team.

John M said...

I was going to try and be clever, but Drew has me licked. Or at least my boots.

Johnny Damon said...

I believe you, Drew. I won a ring for the Red Sox, and I hate 'em! Hell, MY favorite team is the Yankees. Wade Boggs agrees. Yep, many Red Sox players (I won't name names but one of 'em is Dustin Pedroia), secretly root for the Yankees and cry themselves to sleep at night because they can't hang out with Jeter.

Ken Rosenthal said...

After you lick my boots, SPANK ME, McCarver!