Secret Transcript of Knobby Testimony Before Congress

CONGRESSIONAL STAFF: Please state your name.

WITNESS: Edward C. Knoblach.

STAFF: Alias “Knobby,” am I right?

WITNESS: Yes.

STAFF: You're the one who couldn’t throw to first base, right?

WITNESS: (Brief conference with lawyer) I won a Gold Glove in 1997.

STAFF: Answer the question! Were you known for errant throws to first base, or were you not?

DEFENSE LAWYER: I object, Mr. Chairman. This is not relevant to the matters that my client came here today to discuss.

CHAIRMAN: (Bangs gavel): I don’t know where you’re going with these questions, sir, but they had better be relevant.

STAFF: They will be, sir. I have asked Mr. Knoblauch a question. Could he throw to first base?

WITNESS: I had the yips.

STAFF: The “yips.” Was this also called “Steve Sax Disease?”

WITNESS: Yes.

STAFF: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to show Exhibit A, a photograph of a Mrs. Olbermann, the mother of a respected television celebrity. Mr. Knoblauch, have you have ever seen this woman?

WITNESS: Yes.

STAFF: Was she, by chance, lying on the floor of a stadium box seat, screaming in pain, holding her face?

WITNESS: (Sobbing) Yes… yes…

STAFF: Because you were “high” on performance enhancing drugs?

WITNESS: (Sobbing) No… it was… the yips…

STAFF: You took injections in the butt, and in a steroidal rage, you threw at Mrs. Olbermann, the mother of a respected television personality!

WITNESS: (Sobbing) No…

LAWYER: I object! The prosecutor is putting words in my client’s mouth.

CHAIRMAN: Order in the chambers. Order in the chambers!

STAFF: HE HIT MRS. OLBERMANN IN THE FACE! THE MOTHER OF A CHERISHED TELEVISION PERSONALITY SUFFERED, BECAUSE OF THIS MAN!

WITNESS: No.. yes…NO… I hit Mrs. Olbermann with the ball. Yes. I admit it. I hit Mrs. Olbermann with the ball.

STAFF: No further questions, Mr. Chairman.