TRANSCRIPT OF CLEMENS SECRET TESTIMONY BEFORE CONGRESS

CONGRESSIONAL STAFF: Please state your name.

WITNESS: William R. Clemens.

STAFF: Thank you for coming. Please have a seat.

WITNESS: That’s OK.

STAFF: Really. No need to stand. Have a seat.

WITNESS: Actually, I prefer to stand.

STAFF: This is going to last a while. Please, get comfortable.

WITNESS LAWYER: Mr. Chairman, I object. My client did not come here to be badgered. He prefers to stand, and we on the Clemens Defense Team stand behind his Constitutional rights to stand.

CHAIRMAN: Mr. Clemens, do you prefer to stand?

WITNESS: I do.

STAFF: Sir, this is highly irregular. Nobody has ever testified before this body from a bolt upright position.

WITNESS: I prefer to stand. I can see more.

CHAIRMAN: If the witness prefers to stand, he can stand. Proceed.

STAFF: This is... I never... Very well. Mr. Clemens, ARE YOU NOW OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HIGH ON PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS?

WITNESS: Not now. Never.

STAFF: WHAT DID YOU SHOOT, AND WHEN DID YOU SHOOT IT?

WITNESS: Nothing. Never.

STAFF: Sit down and say that. I dare you.

WITNESS COUNSEL: I OBJECT!

STAFF: Sit down and say that. I demand it.

WITNESS: (After consultation with counsel) I hereby invoke my 22nd Amendment rights and decline to sit on the grounds that it might uncoagulate me.

STAFF: Sit down, sir.

WITNESS: I hereby invoke my 22nd Amendment rights and decline to sit on the grounds that it might uncoagulate me.

STAFF: OK, Mr. Clemens. Fine. You’ve won this round, damn you! No further questions.