Igawa, Traber, named finalists for Dr. Graeme J. Lloyd Bullpen Chair of LH Studies

Past recipients include Professor Michael Meyers and Dr. Gabriel A. White.

Hell with that. This is serious.

Yesterday, "Mr. Perfect" Kei Igawa and former future Hall-of-Famer Billy Traber rendered hope unto Yankeekind that we may someday actually keep Big Papi in the ballpark once a game.

Hard to imagine, eh? We haven’t had a scary bullpen lefty since Graeme "the bossie Aussie" Lloyd was hopping our rabbit-proof fence to face the Trot Nixons of Redsockdom.

God knows, we’re suffered.

Tuesday, Kei the Sly twirled two perfect innings against the Toronto Blue Jays of Syracuse, semi-exorcising Saturday’s Pearl Harbor-in-reverse bombing by that famed Murderer’s Row known as the University of South Florida.

Also, in one Inning to Remember, Traber struck out the three lefty tomato cans that stepped to the plate. What the hell. I think it was a 1B named Hoo, a 2B named Watt, and a 3B, I. Dunno.

Let’s be clear:

This is not Ford v. Koufax.

This is prunes v. X-Lax.

This is sciatica v. restless leg syndrome.

Either way, we don’t sleep.

We spent $26 million to get naked with Igawa, then bedded him down for the price of five Florida Marlins. Lately, Cashman has invoked the "Jose Contreras Defense," which is to say, "Oh, pooh, it’s just money." In other words, nobody wants him. But he’s 28. And two perfect innings is two perfect innings.

Traber? Baseball America once drooled. The Mets traded him for Roberto Alomar. He’s 29, three years past TJ surgery, and we’re his third team since the elbow frayed. His contract probably holds a walk-away clause around April 1. If he shows anything, he probably won’t report to Dunder-Mifflinburg, Pa. Somebody else will call.

There's also Sean Henn.

Also, an asteroid could hit earth, ending civilization.

So who’s our best chance against Papi?

Same as it ever was.

High cholesterol. Heart palpitations.