FBI Says Anthrax Suicide Doc Also Killed Chandra Levy, JonBenet Ramsey, Tupac

WASHINGTON _ Citing an unprecedented window of public closure, U.S. Justice Department officials today tied now-dead 62-year-old Army scientist Bruce Ivins to the murders of Chandra Levy, JonBenet Ramsey, Tupac Shakur and victims of the infamous Zodiak Killer of the 1960s.

"Fuck it, we're going for broke here," FBI Director Robert Mueller told reporters, after adding to Ivins' deathlist the Green River Killer and Notorious B.I.G. "An opportunity like this only comes along once in a lifetime. As far as we're concerned, he did them, and if he wants to sue, let him sue."

Meanwhile, the Bush administration announced that Ivins was involved with the President's wrongful claim in the 2003 State of the Union Address that Saddam Hussein obtained yellowcake uranium from Niger. That error, heretofore unexplained, helped spawn the Iraq War.

Shortly after Mueller's news conference, former New York State Attorney General Elliot Spitzer announced that Ivens -- a master of disguise --somehow managed to impersonate Spitzer during several trips to the Washington Emperors Club earlier this year. Often, Ivens had sex with a prostitute, and then managed to pin the blame on Spitzer.

Also, the New York Yankees today released detailed emails and memos showing that Ivens -- and not the general management -- signed free agent pitcher Carl Pavano in 2005.

"The man's record stands for itself," General Manager Brian Cashman. "I speak for many people when I say that we are truly glad he is gone."