Ten reasons why we are the worst best team in the AL East ever

1. Phil Hughes, a complete waste of space. What's he doing now? Crosswords?

2. A wipeout of our free agent relievers. Pedro Feliciano and Rafael Soriano might as well be Carl Pavano. No more last names ending with "ano."

3. As a catcher, Jorge can't squat. As a DH, he can't hit squat.

4. A-Rod still nursing his hip, and MLB still investigating him. They'll never stop. He'll be 90, in a walker, and they'll appoint Youkilis to oversee a probe into his creamed corn.

5. Robbie Cano doesn't know. What happened? He reverted to the undisciplined Robbie Cano of 2008. Is Melky visiting?

6. All we do is hit homeruns. Guy gets on base - he dies there. Gardner can't steal. Nobody can bunt. If it gets any worse, John Sterling will change his mind: You can predict baseball.

7. Jeet hits the ball into the ground. Wait a minute: Is he still around? I thought he died. Didn't they run him out of town?

8. Mariano has blown several saves. He's not the Mariano of 1999. He's not the Mariano of 2003. He's not the Marinao of 2009. And we still don't have a replacement.

9. Despite all the time he spends sticking out his tongue, Swisher isn't hitting a lick.

10. The 1927 Superteam Redsock Express is only beginning to pull out of the station. Has there ever been a team of 25 future Hall of Famers? I hate to think of what will happen when Ruth & Gehrig come to town.